Connection with another woman - I'm stuck

[Loselose]

I know that I'm going to get some abuse on here, and I completely get why because I know what I've done is terrible and I know it was selfish. However, I'm really interested in hearing from people who have been in similar situations and might be able to offer some advice without judgment.

So, here are the facts: I've been with my wife for 13 years (we met when I was 19), and been married for the last 5. We have a 4 yo child. A few months ago I met another woman (who is single). We had an instant connection that wasn't just about physical attraction. It's something that I've not felt before with anyone, including my wife. It was a mutual "love at first sight" type feeling (and no I don't believe in that but it's the only way I can describe it). I got hugely swept up in it all. We didn't sleep together but saw each other a few times and did kiss, hug, etc. It was a partly physical affair, but much more of an emotional affair.

I got so swept up by it all that I considered separating from my wife, and I told her about what I had done. This was of course awful for her, but she has said she is prepared to forgive me and for us to work on our marriage. I know that this is the right thing to do and I cut off all contact with the other woman.

The problem is that "knowing it's the right thing" doesn't change my emotions and feelings. It's now been 10 weeks since I last had contact with the other woman, and I still really miss her. I also struggle to properly invest the energy into my marriage that I know it needs. I felt a passion and connection with OW that I didn't know existed... and whilst I completely get that this lust/chemistry will wear off, the bigger question for me is why I never felt this with my wife - even at the start. And I also question what me being open/prepared to develop these feelings for someone else says about my marriage. My wife deserves someone who loves and respects her enough not to do what I did. And I also want to be with someone I love enough for this to not even cross my mind.

To give a bit more background, I had been having doubts about certain elements of our marriage for a while, but kept pushing them to the back of my mind. We haven't had a very good sexual relationship for a long time (probably the entire marriage), and over time I think we just grew apart emotionally too. I know that I did anyway. We became parents and housemates but not much more. I felt bored and unfulfilled in my marriage and instead of properly addressing it I stupidly pushed it away and just invested my energies into other things to distract myself (friends, work, hobbies). Having kids doesn't help of course and changes the dynamic of a relationship. I don't think we dealt well with it, in hindsight. I had been lacking emotional and physical connection for a long time and stupidly just let it drift without addressing it. I'm not excusing my behaviour at all... just providing a bit of backdrop. I also really do wonder whether I've changed in the past 13 years, and whether what I want now from a relationship is different to when I was in my early 20s. Have we just grown apart? I care for her deeply but I just don't know if I love her anymore - certainly not in the way I should do.

My wife still loves me, and she didn't feel the same level of disconnection that I did. Communication between us is better now than ever as we're really talking about our problems. I'm also in individual therapy.

I guess the question is... what are my chances of getting the marriage back to one we're both happy with? Will these feelings for this other woman go away eventually? Or once you've experienced what else is out there (and it was so strong) does that continue to pray on your mind? I don't want to stay in a marriage that is broken, taking away both of our opportunities to find something better.. but I also don't want to hastily throw something away, particularly given that we have a child.

I suggest you try marriage counselling and be honest with your wife about your feelings....but in a insensitive way.

Or maybe before marriage counselling...try individual counselling and explore things.

Sorry OP but I would end the marriage. Being terribly unhappy is not what you want for your life is it? Your child needs to see both parents happy even if they're apart. You also don't want her to grow up thinking this is what a healthy relationship looks like.
Yes what you did was shit obviously and yes your wife deserves better but you also deserve to be happy. You can't force yourself to have feelings which aren't there.
Continue with the therapy and stay single a good while. Date but don't get into anything serious.
Good luck with everything. And good luck with this thread!

Your whole post smacks of wanting to leave your marriage. So I suggest leaving your marriage and allowing your wife to find someone that truly loves her.

Sounds like you've not been happy for a long time and from what you say, I wouldn't be surprised if there were other OW in the future that continue to make you question your marriage.

Maybe a trial separation from your wife might be what you both need? That way you can determine for yourself whether actually want to get your marriage on track and care enough for her to give it a proper go rather than a half-hearted one.

Thanks for your messages, and for not sending tirades of abuse (I'm sure I'll get some of that in a bit). To try and add a bit of balance, there are a lot of good elements to the marriage.... she's a great mother, she's a beautiful woman, we make a good team raising our son and building a home, she's kind and nice, and she does love me. I've had plenty of people tell me that I should feel lucky to have what I have, and I do feel lucky in many ways. I just wish I could feel deep love for her too, as the relationship feels too one-sided and you're right shortcake76, if I don't sort things out who's to say this won't happen again. I don't want to be a person who has serial affairs. Heck, I didn't want to be a person who had an affair full stop. I can't really believe I'm in the situation I'm in. Never ever thought I was that type of person... I'm certainly on a journey of self-discovery at the moment.

Yes, it's all about the journey of self discovery isn't it

Do you think you will find a sacred rainbow at the end of your dick ?

AnyFucker - ha. thanks. Not sure I really want to engage with you on here having seen a few other comments of yours elsewhere... but I think it's actually pretty healthy to try question yourself and motivations for doing things. Otherwise you just repeat your mistakes. Yes - I know I've made a mistake. I'm not proud or looking for validation.

If you're missing the spark and you never had it really, you cant really get it back. Sadly. But. I left my marriage because of the sex side...met my exdp who fulfilled all that, but it wore off, of course... now I'm happily married but still wonder if I was greedy leaving my first marriage,everything was great apart from the sex and unfortunately that drive to feel sexual again causes havoc. I think the grass is greener but not sustainable most of the time. Put everything you have into your marriage,at least then you can say you really tried.

You're not in love with your wife, she deserves someone who is. You can still be a good team raising your child. You have been a bit of a coward about it, you knew you didn't passionately love your wife from the beginning and should never have married her. It still might not work out with ow, it's a fantasy not day to day reality. Stop being a coward, your wife doesn't deserve it.

Tbh, you don't really want to hear anything other than platitudes, hence your response to AF. If you met someone and they made you realise what you felt for your wife wasn't enough you could have dealt with it then. Instead you embarked on an affair...sex or no sex.

You want to leave your marriage. So I would do so.

Do you know what struck me most about your post? None of the 'distractions' worthy of investing your time in included your child. Nothing at all about how you care for your child, worries about the possible impact of a separation on your child- just how put out you are about the inconvenience of parenting impacting on your relationship with your wife.

Did you feel put out that your wife was doing the parenting instead of dancing attendance to your wants and needs?

Strange how the hard yards of marriage and parenting suddenly become too much to bear when there's the promise of no-strings sex on tap, isn't it?

Oh, and you are the type of person who has an affair. And once you've left for wife for OW and the thrill wears off- perhaps she too will become a parent- you'll continue to be the type of person who has an affair.

I take from your post that you have already made your mind up and just want confirmation from MN to say that leaving is the right thing to do.

Grass is always greener isn't !

Leave your wife, allow her to find someone that genuinely loves her and when you realise what you've given up hopefully she will have the sense not to take you back

If you don't love your wife, let her find someone who will treat her right.

I genuinely am not looking for validation to leave. I've spent the past 2.5 months trying to work on my marriage and I'm struggling. I'm really after a bit of advise from people who have maybe come through something similar. Did it work out in the end? Or did you end up leaving in the end?

If it did work, any tips?

No wonder you don't want to engage with me. I see through your bullshit.

You come to a female dominated website where women are going through all kinds of crap for some cockstroking. Transparent.

As someone wh took back a cheater I am begging you to please leave your wife. At the moment she is wasting her energy and her life trying to make things right, while also tearing herself apart internally at the knowledge of what you were doing when she was home alone looking after your child. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to take someone who has betrayed you? I'd hazard a guess not.

If you had even the slightest sense of regret or guilt you'd be falling over yourself to make it right, not dreaming misty eyed over the 'perfect' OW.

As things stand your marriage has no chance, as your wife will move out of the panicky trying to cling on to you phase fairly soon and things will go down hill from then on.

Please don't waste your wife's life any further, it isn't kind. Do the decent thing. Leave.

All that said though....

You won't have the guts to leave until she or OW issues you with an ultimatum. I can guarantee it. Cheaters are cowards.

OP, if you are in "individual therapy", haven't you been able to answer all these questions yourself in your sessions?

1. Therapy will make you unstuck. This is your self-justification strategy.

1. MN will give you other people's experience and advice in the sense of what they would do/want to happen to them. This is your de-risking strategy.

1. You know the answer already. Free your wife and stop getting her to live a fake life with you pretending you love her, whilst your head and heart are not where she deserves them to be.

I'm surprised by all the posts here telling you to leave. I personally think you're just going through a stage where you are now questioning everything and don't know what to do.

I have been with dh for 9 years and never even looked at anyone else. Yet the last couple of weeks I have had a crush on someone - which is so unlike me! Although its only a crush and nothing has happened, it's really made me question everything.

I think when you have children everything changes so much. Unless you make an effort to have date nights, regularly catch up etc. you can start to lose that spark. Have you regularly made an effort? Do you go on date nights?

I think the reason you didn't have the same feelings with your wife is because life was different then. Life was probably relatively carefree.

Now when life has a lot more responsibility (money wise, child etc) meeting someone you connect with can feel so much stronger and make you feel alive again.

I think you need to reconnect with your wife again. Forget the other woman. If she can get with a married man with a child then she really isn't that special.

By the way your wife sounds fab and probably won't be single for too long. Hopefully she'll meet a decent man.

I have to agree with ANY. You are trying to absolve yourself of the blame, with pathetic reasons, and make out you are not a bad person as you have tried to make it work. Total crap! You did not bother until someone else came on the scene and nor would you have. Do your wife a favour, own up and sod off.

I do have some sympathy as I know people aren't always perfect and can make mistakes. The trouble is, you are not really truly trying to mend your mistake. If you were, you would not be excusing your behaviour or having any of these feelings for the OW. Because you are I really believe you should leave, it's not fair to your wife otherwise when you're clearly not 100 percent invested in her

I would add something else.

I felt a passion and connection with OW that I didn't know existed... and whilst I completely get that this lust/chemistry will wear off, the bigger question for me is why I never felt this with my wife - even at the start.

The women that men choose speak volumes of the quality of the man. You, feel a connection with the OW that you didn't know existed - that's because you are a married man feeling a connection with an OW who, like you, has no respect for boundaries, families, other women, marriage, wrecking lives, morality and do not care about causing pain to others.

There. That is your true connection. Not such a beautiful connection now is it? Do you not realise the low value of your OW?

You sound desperately unhappy & only get one shot at life.

Do what you need to do

19 is very young and what wanted when you were 19 or in your 20s is not necessarily what you want in your 30s. You change so much over the years at that age and it sounds like you have gone in a different direction to your wife. I have felt that too (although not through an affair) where you feel things about someone you have never felt before and it makes you question your whole past history of relationships.

I would end the marriage if it were me because it has clearly run its course. There is no shame in saying you just grew apart. It's common when you met so young.