Connection with another woman - I'm stuck

[Loselose]

I know that I'm going to get some abuse on here, and I completely get why because I know what I've done is terrible and I know it was selfish. However, I'm really interested in hearing from people who have been in similar situations and might be able to offer some advice without judgment.

So, here are the facts: I've been with my wife for 13 years (we met when I was 19), and been married for the last 5. We have a 4 yo child. A few months ago I met another woman (who is single). We had an instant connection that wasn't just about physical attraction. It's something that I've not felt before with anyone, including my wife. It was a mutual "love at first sight" type feeling (and no I don't believe in that but it's the only way I can describe it). I got hugely swept up in it all. We didn't sleep together but saw each other a few times and did kiss, hug, etc. It was a partly physical affair, but much more of an emotional affair.

I got so swept up by it all that I considered separating from my wife, and I told her about what I had done. This was of course awful for her, but she has said she is prepared to forgive me and for us to work on our marriage. I know that this is the right thing to do and I cut off all contact with the other woman.

The problem is that "knowing it's the right thing" doesn't change my emotions and feelings. It's now been 10 weeks since I last had contact with the other woman, and I still really miss her. I also struggle to properly invest the energy into my marriage that I know it needs. I felt a passion and connection with OW that I didn't know existed... and whilst I completely get that this lust/chemistry will wear off, the bigger question for me is why I never felt this with my wife - even at the start. And I also question what me being open/prepared to develop these feelings for someone else says about my marriage. My wife deserves someone who loves and respects her enough not to do what I did. And I also want to be with someone I love enough for this to not even cross my mind.

To give a bit more background, I had been having doubts about certain elements of our marriage for a while, but kept pushing them to the back of my mind. We haven't had a very good sexual relationship for a long time (probably the entire marriage), and over time I think we just grew apart emotionally too. I know that I did anyway. We became parents and housemates but not much more. I felt bored and unfulfilled in my marriage and instead of properly addressing it I stupidly pushed it away and just invested my energies into other things to distract myself (friends, work, hobbies). Having kids doesn't help of course and changes the dynamic of a relationship. I don't think we dealt well with it, in hindsight. I had been lacking emotional and physical connection for a long time and stupidly just let it drift without addressing it. I'm not excusing my behaviour at all... just providing a bit of backdrop. I also really do wonder whether I've changed in the past 13 years, and whether what I want now from a relationship is different to when I was in my early 20s. Have we just grown apart? I care for her deeply but I just don't know if I love her anymore - certainly not in the way I should do.

My wife still loves me, and she didn't feel the same level of disconnection that I did. Communication between us is better now than ever as we're really talking about our problems. I'm also in individual therapy.

I guess the question is... what are my chances of getting the marriage back to one we're both happy with? Will these feelings for this other woman go away eventually? Or once you've experienced what else is out there (and it was so strong) does that continue to pray on your mind? I don't want to stay in a marriage that is broken, taking away both of our opportunities to find something better.. but I also don't want to hastily throw something away, particularly given that we have a child.

Ignore the wilfully ignorant. It's clear that you're not looking for validation or any such bollocks.

I actually think you've shown real courage to end the affair, tell your wife, etc.

I came on to say that I married young and we had 2 dds. I was 22. Fast forward ten years and I had grown out of the marriage without really realising it. Eventually something happened that forced the issue and I left him. It was hard, horrible, painful and I questioned it many, many times. It took us 5 years of separation to summon the courage to divorce and I was single for a good portion of that time.

I am now with someone else and happier than I've ever been. It was a long road to get here and I just wanted to say that you're right - sometimes you grow older and do want different things. I wish you all the best.

This other woman was willing to get involved with a married man WHO HAS A CHILD behind his wife's back. She didn't give a s* about how this would effect your FOUR YEAR OKD CHILD. How could you love a woman like that? She is disgusting. Forget about her and do what's decent father would do for his child. Sort yourself out.

Thanks posters. I agree with a lot of what has been said, and I really appreciate the sharing of personal experiences. Unfortunately no personal experience of success where the marriage has come back stronger than ever. Obviously that is what I'd choose if I could. Like someone said, I didn't enter the marriage thinking it would fail and for a whole host of reasons we'll all be poorer if it doesn't work. I do agree with a few people who said I need to try harder and maybe give it longer. That's kind of where I am now.

My wife deserves someone who loves and respects her enough not to do what I did

Yup. End the marriage.

That said, if you know in your heart that you'll not be able to get over chasing this illusion/chance, don't string it out. You need to be brutally honest with yourself - it might feel more palatable when your dc is 6/8/older etc but it won't be better for anybody if you wait if you have low expectations that you'll change your mind.

I think a life time of marriage takes a hell of a strong pig headedness from both parties. How ever privileged as a couple or smooth life is there will always be obstacles. And one of the big one is attraction (mental and physical) to others. There is no such thing as the one. Put us in a different time and place and no doubt we would find another to be happy with. But marriage requires us to commit to that one person and forsake all others who may be as good or even better options. But it's easier said than done, some people are just not cut out for that level of commitment and dogged determination when things get hard. I am human, I fancied other people now and then but my marriage to me was gold and not to be traded for anything. Unfortunately same could not be said for my ex wife. It is something that a lot of people don't really get the seriousness of the promise they make when getting married. Maybe it is a commitment that is too serious and eternal to expect anyone to make really? Maybe that is why now it is easier to get out of more people do.

So its up to you what you want to do with your life and to work out the consequences either was. LesisMiserable has shared some very personal insite. The grass may not be greener on the other side. I know for my ex wife it's something see still regrets deeply.

'Unfortunately no personal experience of success where the marriage has come back stronger than ever. Obviously that is what I'd choose if I could'

That is only a possibility where both partners buy into the marriage 100%. Commit 100%. Just as a start point.

You haven't done this. You admit that you aren't in love with your wife, and in your heart the OW is the one.

So obviously that is NOT what you are choosing, because your attitude and yours alone irrespective of where your wife is emotionally has cut off this option for you.

You have been very honest but I think that you already know what you are going to do.

Marriages do change, especially after children, because the focus shifts so drastically. They take work and commitment and sometimes running away seems easier than working through the problems.

For what it's worth I have a 10 yr marriage that is not all roses. My would-be OM was (still is) a work colleague (also married and also going through a rough patch). Nothing happened between us because we both recognised what was happening and drew a line, we remain friends but it is very clear that there are boundaries. My DH knows all about this man.

The fact is that in 'real life' he and I would never work and the damage to our lives and careers would be too great. I would not want a man that cheats on his wife and I respect him more for not doing so - strangely that makes him more of a man in my eyes.

I don't believe I am with the wrong man and I love my DH. I do however recognise that the OM was symptomatic of something else. In my case distance between me and DH.

Your issue is with sex so you need to decide if sex is more important than making your marriage work

You cannot control feelings but you can control actions.

Want supportive opinions? Go on Reddit's relationship section. Men will give you exactly what you want there.

I'm never sure the marriage after years of knowing each other option is right. Can you even remember why you got married? Easier than seperating? Familiarity?
Why marry someone if you don't actually believe in the partner for life stuff. You sound like someone with a foot out the door anyway. For a change be brave and honest.

U want to leave your wife and she deserves more than a cheat that cant decide if he even wants her or not be a man n let her find someone decent as your not decent at all 🐍

There is a good saying 'I am married, not dead'. As part of a married couple, you WILL come across people who you will feel a connection with or who you will feel attracted to. But feeling attracted and having an affair are worlds apart. In hindsight, being bored and unappreciated, feeling disconnected in your marriage is what made you ripe for acting on the feelings of attraction and actively pursuing that route.

If you stay disconnected in your marriage and do not cultivate a strong bond with your wife, I can bet my right arm, there will be other amazing women crossing your path who you will want to be close with.

Which brings me to the final point. Have you got what it takes to 'water the grass on this side of the fence' rather than looking over and checking if better grass is available elsewhere? Your post makes me doubt it. There is no affection towards your wife or your marriage coming across, it is all duty, what you must do etc.

It is up to you to make that call, can you make your marriage a safe place full of love or are you past that point?

I have had amazing connections like no other with at least 4 different men , all of which turned into relationships , all
Of which went to shit.

It's biology , lust , normal .

You only live once so don't spend your life married and unhappy obviously but also just know that all relationships take work and can lose the "shine" after a while

I was in a similar situation, but the details are different.
What I learnt was that if I could go back, I'd have tried, really tried harder to make my marriage work. And given it time. At least you will know you tried. That is my big regret.
And you should give it time. At least a year to see if you can give things a go to see if you can work things out with your wife.
If after that, you really can't see yourself staying in the marriage then that's a different story.

You need to finish with your wife.
If you stay with her, it's only because you couldn't have what you really wanted, which is the OW.
So effectively, your wife is 'second best'
Your wife doesn't deserve to be second best to this OW. So do the decent thing and free your wife up to find somebody who respects her and loves her and wants her and isn't staying with her because he was made to give something up.
Which you don't.

I don't really even know her that well really - we met a handful of times before I stopped things. It's more the feelings I had that showed me what was missing.

So where did you meet her?
I'm trying to imagine a situation where you go from being virtual strangers to having an emotional affair.

Don't tell me you're a walking cliche and it was on a business trip.

I'm not sure people are teachable though, if they haven't had the experience deadsouls, you regret not trying harder from experience, but only Op knows whether he's really going to get past that feeling that his DW is second best and not his romantic dream. My main concern is the uncertainty op's poor wife must be going through and how long op will string her along whilst he searches for his verite and ultimately convinces himself he has agonised and is therefore decent, but unfortunate.

I do agree that affairs are a form of cowardice, this seems a half affair, and now you're again faffing - if the problem really is the lack of spark/big romance, how are you going to get that back? I've had rough patches in a long marriage, but I've never thought my DH wasn't the one, or that I hadn't met the 'love of my life'.

redemptionsongs

I agree that people do only learn from experience and maybe that's the way it will go for the OP. I can only say in retrospect, as I think was very unaware and unconscious. Yes I do think it is selfish of OP but at the same time, people and relationships can be complicated. Life isn't always black and white.

Hmm... I think you should at least have a trial separation and see how that pans out. You can try and make it work but don't surprised if you end up feeling dissatisfied in 10 or even 20 years.

I'd explain to your wife how you feel and let her decide. I think people who stay in relationships because they don't want to break the other person's heart are a bit cowardly/afraid and what they are really doing is forcing that person to stay with someone who doesn't really love them. They aren't giving the person a real choice based on the facts.

I don't know if you were ever in love with your wife, only you know that. In my own experience I had the strongest in love feeling with my DH but I felt the falling in love feeling 4 other times and was devastated 3 times when things didn't work out, for about 6 months first time (in my teens) 3 months second time (early twenties, clean break), and about 8-12 months (late twenties very short intense relationship I felt it couldn't go anywhere due to my mental health). Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't stop crying etc, had to avoid reminders of the person or feel deeply pained and terribly lonely for them. Really struggled to not contact them etc.

But there was another occasion I felt I was falling in love and the person went away for a few weeks and I was broken-hearted... and I so wasn't into it when they came back even though they still wanted to pursue it. Other crushes and boyfriends I just didn't have the same feelings for at all and things just fizzled out even though at the beginning of the relationships I would have had really strong crushes on some of them.

I was also in a relationship for 4 years where I never fell in love and I always knew I hadn't... He didn't though and was broken-hearted when we split. I did love him but I wasn't in love. Funnily enough I think I could have fallen in love with him a few years later easily when the timing was right.

I also had my heart broken within a relationship and went into a major depression (looking back I think this was actually deep unhappiness due to a broken heart but being told my feelings of unhappiness were unjustified and unreasonable etc).

At the end of it all when I am pissed off with DH (and I have reason to be very very pissed off) I wonder if chemistry/in love is bullshit, but then I realise that the love and laughter get you through the hard times and I can't imagine ever having sex with anyone else it seems gross.

So OP keep going to counselling because I think you haven't got a clue about love. Be honest with your wife about it. Let her decide what she actually wants. You are being terribly unfair to her.

Be the best father you can be. Incidentally DH and I are absolutely crazy about our DS. Literally bursting with love for him. Makes us smile and laugh all day. I wonder do you look at your DC while he is sleeping and feel this overwhelming love?

Okay - first off this so called connection is an illusion. It happened because at some level you needed it to happen. It's not real - just a stupid crush - stop building it up - are you doing this on some level to cause a wedge in your marraige?

On the one hand it's good you told your wife before having an affair - on the other hand why? Really think about that - why did you tell her?

Men are way bigger idiots about 'romantic love' than women. They really think it exists and everything will be amazing once they find 'it'. But the truth is that the grass is greener where you water it most

Leave or don't leave. But don't do either by halves. I hope you come to your senses but I already smell a big fat self-indulgent mess.

You asked if you have grown apart?

My guess is yes, because you have pushed aside your doubts and not bothered to talk to your wife about any of this. Then it's all continued to grow in your mind whilst you wife had no clue what you were thinking and feeling.

So yes, of course you've grown apart because you chose not to be a partner with you wife so lack connection as a result and have since decided to pursue a connection with someone else.

Now if all about whether you can get better elsewhere and so worth leaving the marriage, rather than improving the marriage. If you thought you'd be secure with the other woman you'd drop your poor wife like a shot because she's only good as your fallback now.

Do her a favour and either learn that a partnership with a connection is because people choose that and share themselves fully with their partner, or leave and keep chasing that rainbow on the end of your dick.

If you're chasing rainbows, any connection you think I you might have will only be temporary and last as long as the sexual chemistry if you don't chose to be a full partner and share your feelings to work together.

I know, deadsouls I never thought I'd advocate a break up but I'd hate for my DH to talk about me in such sad terms, sure the real world is grey but 'settling' for someone is just as cruel as leaving them. I bet it keeps re-appearing - ever argument or rough patch - hmmm if only I'd pursued the 'love at first sight' woman.

And I hate the idea that op's dw probably has no idea her 13 year relationship has been categorised as inferior.

I wonder what the op is waiting for? My experience of people who start talking about break ups is that this is a process to convince people they've tried, I've never seen someone express high falutin doubts like these and live happily ever after, but I've seen a lot of OHs been strung along into such a time the uncertain part determined they'd tested the ground enough to leave.

Yes - What 1DAD2KIDS says. Also watch a video on youtube: Dan Savage talking about "the one".