Connection with another woman - I'm stuck

[Loselose]

I know that I'm going to get some abuse on here, and I completely get why because I know what I've done is terrible and I know it was selfish. However, I'm really interested in hearing from people who have been in similar situations and might be able to offer some advice without judgment.

So, here are the facts: I've been with my wife for 13 years (we met when I was 19), and been married for the last 5. We have a 4 yo child. A few months ago I met another woman (who is single). We had an instant connection that wasn't just about physical attraction. It's something that I've not felt before with anyone, including my wife. It was a mutual "love at first sight" type feeling (and no I don't believe in that but it's the only way I can describe it). I got hugely swept up in it all. We didn't sleep together but saw each other a few times and did kiss, hug, etc. It was a partly physical affair, but much more of an emotional affair.

I got so swept up by it all that I considered separating from my wife, and I told her about what I had done. This was of course awful for her, but she has said she is prepared to forgive me and for us to work on our marriage. I know that this is the right thing to do and I cut off all contact with the other woman.

The problem is that "knowing it's the right thing" doesn't change my emotions and feelings. It's now been 10 weeks since I last had contact with the other woman, and I still really miss her. I also struggle to properly invest the energy into my marriage that I know it needs. I felt a passion and connection with OW that I didn't know existed... and whilst I completely get that this lust/chemistry will wear off, the bigger question for me is why I never felt this with my wife - even at the start. And I also question what me being open/prepared to develop these feelings for someone else says about my marriage. My wife deserves someone who loves and respects her enough not to do what I did. And I also want to be with someone I love enough for this to not even cross my mind.

To give a bit more background, I had been having doubts about certain elements of our marriage for a while, but kept pushing them to the back of my mind. We haven't had a very good sexual relationship for a long time (probably the entire marriage), and over time I think we just grew apart emotionally too. I know that I did anyway. We became parents and housemates but not much more. I felt bored and unfulfilled in my marriage and instead of properly addressing it I stupidly pushed it away and just invested my energies into other things to distract myself (friends, work, hobbies). Having kids doesn't help of course and changes the dynamic of a relationship. I don't think we dealt well with it, in hindsight. I had been lacking emotional and physical connection for a long time and stupidly just let it drift without addressing it. I'm not excusing my behaviour at all... just providing a bit of backdrop. I also really do wonder whether I've changed in the past 13 years, and whether what I want now from a relationship is different to when I was in my early 20s. Have we just grown apart? I care for her deeply but I just don't know if I love her anymore - certainly not in the way I should do.

My wife still loves me, and she didn't feel the same level of disconnection that I did. Communication between us is better now than ever as we're really talking about our problems. I'm also in individual therapy.

I guess the question is... what are my chances of getting the marriage back to one we're both happy with? Will these feelings for this other woman go away eventually? Or once you've experienced what else is out there (and it was so strong) does that continue to pray on your mind? I don't want to stay in a marriage that is broken, taking away both of our opportunities to find something better.. but I also don't want to hastily throw something away, particularly given that we have a child.

As predicted you were bound to get the insults.

Your best bet is to ignore.

I actually think you sound like a very thoughtful and caring person. My feeling is you should be honest with your wife and end the marriage. It is very hard to do this and take the flak, pain and devastation that will cause, but it's better to face up to facts. You aren't in love with you wife deep down, and you know it. You've found someone you do seem to love, and to your credit, have not slept with her.

Be courageous and leave your marriage. Hopefully your wife will find someone else and you will all be happier for it in the end. Why is therapy not providing a forum to talk about this though?

OK I guess I asked for it by posting on here. There aren't any male dominated alternative sites that I know of though. I do wonder whether if the sexes were reversed the reaction might be a little more measured. I really do know what I've done is wrong and I'm not excusing it at all. I'm just trying to get to the bottom of it and take the right course of action from here. I've created a mess, it's all on me, and I know that. But I am where I am now. I think people who cheat make some really bad choices but they aren't necessarily evil or bad people at heart. I guess I would say that though.

OP, why isn't your therapy answering all these questions?

I think you're human and we all make mistakes. It doesn't sound like you are happy so what are you waiting for?

You can't force yourself to love your wife - but are you sure that this other woman would provide what you need? Isn't it just lust??
Don't fake feelings for your wife as she will be able to tell and yes, let her find somebody else if you don't have the depth of feeling you need for her.
Only
You can decide if the risk is worth it for this other woman. The list may wear off and you may discover awful things about her and forever miss your wife.
It's all a gamble. Only you can decide

If the sexes were reversed you wouldn't get a different reaction. If you were as familiar with my posts as you say you are, you would know that

Thanks to all those who have responded though. Particularly those who have offered constructive advice. It really is appreciated. I think learning from other people's situations and points of view is really valuable - tho thanks.

Do you go on date nights? Have you made an effort since you've become parents? Have you tried any of this?

Also, I think you owe it to your child to really make an effort to at least see if you can get your marriage back on track. Splitting up would mean only seeing your child half the time, having to split Christmas and birthday etc.

Think it through carefully.

MrsOpinionated - yes we do go on date nights occasionally, and have even had a couple trips away without child. We have a good time, but more in a way that you might have a good time with a friend. I know that for some people this is maybe more than enough but I feel like I'm missing something.

To others who have talked about the OW being a risk, I agree. I don't want any decision to leave my marriage to be based on a fantasy of me being with this other woman. I don't really even know her that well really - we met a handful of times before I stopped things. It's more the feelings I had that showed me what was missing.

Therapist hasn't helped me answer these questions yet. I've had 4 sessions. Maybe I need a new one.

I think someone new is going to always seem more exciting. It's going to seem even more exciting when life now has more commitments and responsibilities.

I personally don't think it's the woman that's sparked this feeling in you, its the situation.

Try and channel this into your marriage. The grass isn't always greener. I think it's easy to think there could be more when faced with the realties of day to day life and routine.

I'm a bloke who has come out of the other side of what you're currently going through although I have no interest, at the moment, in finding someone else, however, what get's me about your post is that there is little mention of your kid.

Being a single dad is hard man, harder than you realise and there will be a lot of little tears to deal with, you'd better be adept at dealing with guilt is all I can say.

I don't really even know her that well really - can you see the incompatibility of this admission with your earlier claim of some incredible emotional connection?

If you're ok with telling us, what have you discovered in your 4 sessions of therapy then?

A therapist isn't a magician and can't provide answers. They help you explore and go on a journey of self discovery.

Having said that, you've answered some questions yourself.

• You were never deeply in love.
• You've discovered the feeling of a deeper connection with another woman.
• You realise that a deep emotional connection actually exists. You may have thought what you had, is as good as it could be.

Perhaps because it was your first serious relationship.

The grass is not necessarily greener on the other side....it's still the same grass and still needs mowing....think very carefully before you give up on what you have. There are a lot of people out there who would give anything have what you have....if you leave without exploring every other option first and things don't work out then you have burnt your bridges and there is no going back.

2.5 months?

Did I read that correctly or is it a typo?

If you meant 2 and a half months, keep trying. You're child deserves more effort than a few weeks.

SDaddy - yes my kid is a huge consideration of mine. It's the biggest thing that is pushing me to try fix things. So it sounds like you separated. If you don't mind me asking, how do you feel about it now in hindsight? Do you regret separating? Are you happier? Despite the guilt have you managed to maintain a good relationship with your child(ren)?

I think you're getting a rough ride and that's wrong, you seem genuinely contrite but also worried about how this plays out to me. I think you need to ignore posters who are being deliberately unpleasant because you've put a fair and equal OP up about where you are your wife are.

Not everyone is lucky enough to have a great relationship all the time and a great deal of the wholier than thou types on here probably have skant idea what may be going on in their own relationships that they dont know about either that or they have their own very different ideas about what a relationship means which suits them and not other people. Sometimes people get it wrong. The rest of the opposite sex are not invisible just because we are married and if you love your wife you owe it to her to go the extra mile now and see if you can make a go of it. If you cant and it's truly dead then you need to graciously extract yourself so you can both move forward.

I think your wife, marriage and kids deserve more effort tbh. Have you tried couples counselling, lots and lots of ways to reconnect if you want to.

My xh went through what you describe. Eventually I threw him out and he went to ow. Now he tells me the initial lust and excitement has worn off, and that he looks at her across the breakfast table and wonders why he ever thought she was worth giving up his whole life for. It sounds like what he has now with her is similar to what he had with me, except he's giving up a chunk of cash every month and doesn't live with his kids.

Weigh up what you want, whether it will last, and whether it is worth giving up a life.

If it is then yes go, and spare your wife the humiliation of watching you mourn your ow.

It sounds to me as though your biggest regret will be that you missed out on the 'one', rather than breaking up your family. Choose your biggest regret. People can perhaps get their head turned and work back from that but the mills & boon talk is obviously a thread you're going to keep coming back to.

I can only say if my dh felt I'd become second best I wouldn't want to be settled for by my DH making some sort of secret martyr of himself.

I've only skimmed through the posts so perhaps this has been said.

I'd leave. It's time. The writing is on the wall OP. But there's the risk that you might end up not being with this woman. That's not a bad option either because you'll grow tenfold on your own and actually go through the process of separation and divorce without an audience. Be honest with yourself and your wife. You're only creating long-term obstacles and misery by staying.
My first husband went through a similar experience as yours and left. It was painful. I was full of anger and loathing. But when I really drilled down into our issues, they had nothing to do with the other woman. Other woman or no other woman, we weren't going to work out.
We moved on. Our baby became a toddler, then a boy, and is now going on 16. I remarried and added to the brood. I found happiness and I hope my son is happy. I truly believe he is. I don't think he has many issues regarding the divorce. He was two years old when it was finalised.

We all intend to honour our vows. No one marries with the intention of hurting their spouse or having the union end in divorce.
But sometimes life has a different agenda and you just cannot help what you feel. You've given this a lot of careful consideration and contemplation. You're attempting to fix your marriage. But is it the right direction? Only you and your wife know the answer.

'Therapist hasn't helped me answer these questions yet. I've had 4 sessions. Maybe i need a new one?'

Hahaha are you serious?! That not how therapy works, sounds like you've barely begun. Have some patience and be prepared to work hard and you'll get something from it.

I think you will regret leaving. Put all your effort into your marriage, there are other things which make a marriage work as well, loyalty, companionship, common goals. As rainy April said you will sacrifice a lot and regret it.

Your wife deserves to be with someone who loves her. And so do you.

Leave OP. You'll only create an unhappy environment for your little boy. Better a broken home than an unhappy one.