Connection with another woman - I'm stuck

[Loselose]

I know that I'm going to get some abuse on here, and I completely get why because I know what I've done is terrible and I know it was selfish. However, I'm really interested in hearing from people who have been in similar situations and might be able to offer some advice without judgment.

So, here are the facts: I've been with my wife for 13 years (we met when I was 19), and been married for the last 5. We have a 4 yo child. A few months ago I met another woman (who is single). We had an instant connection that wasn't just about physical attraction. It's something that I've not felt before with anyone, including my wife. It was a mutual "love at first sight" type feeling (and no I don't believe in that but it's the only way I can describe it). I got hugely swept up in it all. We didn't sleep together but saw each other a few times and did kiss, hug, etc. It was a partly physical affair, but much more of an emotional affair.

I got so swept up by it all that I considered separating from my wife, and I told her about what I had done. This was of course awful for her, but she has said she is prepared to forgive me and for us to work on our marriage. I know that this is the right thing to do and I cut off all contact with the other woman.

The problem is that "knowing it's the right thing" doesn't change my emotions and feelings. It's now been 10 weeks since I last had contact with the other woman, and I still really miss her. I also struggle to properly invest the energy into my marriage that I know it needs. I felt a passion and connection with OW that I didn't know existed... and whilst I completely get that this lust/chemistry will wear off, the bigger question for me is why I never felt this with my wife - even at the start. And I also question what me being open/prepared to develop these feelings for someone else says about my marriage. My wife deserves someone who loves and respects her enough not to do what I did. And I also want to be with someone I love enough for this to not even cross my mind.

To give a bit more background, I had been having doubts about certain elements of our marriage for a while, but kept pushing them to the back of my mind. We haven't had a very good sexual relationship for a long time (probably the entire marriage), and over time I think we just grew apart emotionally too. I know that I did anyway. We became parents and housemates but not much more. I felt bored and unfulfilled in my marriage and instead of properly addressing it I stupidly pushed it away and just invested my energies into other things to distract myself (friends, work, hobbies). Having kids doesn't help of course and changes the dynamic of a relationship. I don't think we dealt well with it, in hindsight. I had been lacking emotional and physical connection for a long time and stupidly just let it drift without addressing it. I'm not excusing my behaviour at all... just providing a bit of backdrop. I also really do wonder whether I've changed in the past 13 years, and whether what I want now from a relationship is different to when I was in my early 20s. Have we just grown apart? I care for her deeply but I just don't know if I love her anymore - certainly not in the way I should do.

My wife still loves me, and she didn't feel the same level of disconnection that I did. Communication between us is better now than ever as we're really talking about our problems. I'm also in individual therapy.

I guess the question is... what are my chances of getting the marriage back to one we're both happy with? Will these feelings for this other woman go away eventually? Or once you've experienced what else is out there (and it was so strong) does that continue to pray on your mind? I don't want to stay in a marriage that is broken, taking away both of our opportunities to find something better.. but I also don't want to hastily throw something away, particularly given that we have a child.

Loselose

I feel OK about it in hindsight, not great, but OK, I don't feel liberated or "free" or any of that kind of thing. I'm always aware it's affected a lot of people, her family whom I got on very well with, for example and my mum just can't get her head around it. Has it been worth it? Just about but no more

I'm lucky in the fact I have my wee man 3 nights a week and if anything our bond is stronger than before but he's still upset. When you have to drop him or her off and they are crying their eyes out, that, my friend, will kill you.

SDaddy007 - thanks for sharing. That does sound awful and I can definitely imagine the pain and guilt... although it'll probably be even worse than I imagine in reality.

To all those wondering what I'm waiting for - it isn't an easy decision, and not one that I want to rush. The few people who have been through this before and offered their advice say that they wish they had tried harder at the time. If there is a chance to make things work surely it's worth pursuing? There is everything to gain if things can be saved. I get that it might be unfair on my wife, but I've been as honest as I can with her about my feelings, whilst remaining kind and respectful to her as I can be. What I mean by that is I've spoken about the lack of connection and spark and the doubt I have about whether I love her as much as I should do. I've not kept her in the dark on these feelings. I haven't voiced depth of feelings about the other woman to her though as I think that's just mean and not going to help anybody.

I agree with people who say that this OW is an illusion - I have never believed that there is a "the one". I think there are many "the ones"... and so if things don't work with my wife the thought of being single doesn't scare me. I actually think it would be a big mistake to jump straight into something with someone else. This OW, and the feelings I had, have awoken something and acted as a catalyst. I need to see whether I can use this to rebuild my marriage, or whether things are too broken to fix.

Those posters who feel that I don't have the right outlook and aren't in the right state of mind to fix things might end up being right. That is perhaps my biggest worry. My head really wants to fix things, but my feelings and emotions aren't fully engaged in it. At least not at the moment.

What do you think will change to engage your emotions in the right place? That's right, this feels like an intellectual exercise, not a gut wrenching desire that you must fix your marriage for all of your sakes because you came close to the cliff edge.

It worries me that you say you have date nights and weekends away and yet your DW still doesn't tick all your boxes somehow.

Or from my friend's experience when every other Christmas/birthday when it's not your turn for the big day, the sh1tness of not being there with them. But staying with someone you feel doesn't measure up is inauthentic and not better.

I dont think the cowardice is the potential affair, the tellinh your wife, the potential divorce.

The real cowardice is having felt the need to settle down so early, and to have jist have settled for someone who didnt make you feel the way you knew you should, presumably because you didnt want to go against convention.

OP - sorry you are going through this.
And, sadly I don't think there is much you can do. One can't change the way they feel.

You are both so young, yet you sound like you've lived a long life already. And you have.

And, in a way - it all catching up with you.

Often, people spend their 20s looking around, having carefree fun, exploring, learning about themselves, and other people around.

And they grow and change, a lot in that time.

It would have been easier if you both felt like you've grown apart. As it is - it seems to be you, not your W who feels that.
But it doesn't make it any more valid.

In a way, you both being so young makes it easier - there is still a chance that you both can find other people to love and be happy with.

Hhhmmm your wife sounds fab and will no doubt not be single for long. I think possibly she does deserve someone much better. Also so does your child as the guy she ends up with will essentially bring your child up as his own if you continue on being so self absorbed. It is a harsh reality but one women are more used to - you don't get to have your cake and eat it. You need to fully understand what you are throwing away for the frisson of the OW. And trust me when I say this, the force felt in your connection had a lot to do with the forbidden aspect of it.

redemptionsongs - I'm hoping that by changing my actions and investing more time and effort in things, it will translate into feelings in time. I know that I neglected the relationship for too long and it might have been too long to fix now - don't know. Loads of self help sites and books etc talk about being able to "fall back in love" with people if you stick at it and do the right things. I guess I'll find out if it's possible in our case. But you're right I don't have that gut-wrenching desire. I have a gut-wrenching sadness of what this would mean for my son, and all the implications on our lives (financial, etc). It is a decision led by my head and the advice so many have given about trying everything to make things better if I can. The biggest thing for me is my son - people for some reason have assumed due to the tone of my posts that I don't care but he is the single biggest reason i'm so intent on trying to save this marriage.

Those advice sites are great - dh and I went through bad times when our dc were small and you can rebuild any aspect if it's mostly a question of life getting in the way of your relationship, 'rebuild' is the key word, not build something you feel wasn't there to start - that sense that there's a dream woman out there who would solve your problems - that's the real thing you have to slay or decide to chase.

You can make all of you suffer for years more if your heart is never going to be in it. The consequences for your son aren't going to get easier as he gets older, ime the reverse. Also for your wife - it's not going to get easier for her to rebuild her life if you procrastinate for more years.

As I said, I don't want to push you to action, sincerely wanting to fix things is nice but don't do it for any other reason than you really are thinking this is fixable, and not for the sake of looking like you have it a try as you're adding to and not avoiding pain in that case.

Guess what. Your wife doesn't just unconditionally love you and want you to do the right thing.

Your wife wants to be loved, cherished, respected and nurtured. She wants a good sex life. She wants to be able to know that you will be there for her and the family. That you will not betray her.

Your wife has chosen a very difficult path. To try and come to terms with an ultimate betrayal and has given you a gift. One of another chance.

You haven't actually experienced life without her and your family, you haven't even experienced a connection with someone else, your affair, without the comfort and security of your wife being there. So any feelings you have now are only based on having your cake and eating it. They are not what it takes to form a real relationship so they are based on fantasy.

So pretend to yourself if you want that you are 'doing the right thing'. But until you man up and stop sitting on the fence feeling sorry for yourself you are far from doing the right thing at all. Which is making a choice and sticking to it.

And also loselose don't be so full of yourself that you are pretending that this is a good thing for your son. Your son is seeing in subtle and maybe no so subtle ways that you are treating his own mother very disrespectfully. I guess you have lied to his mother, indulged in secret happy acts away from the family, then came back out of a misguided sense that sticking around but not giving someone your full loyalty is a good way for a family to function,.

It isn't. It's insidious, it's self serving, it's nasty and it's no role model for your son. Either piss or get off the pot!

Loselose
Don't expect a balanced view here, the relationshipsboard is mainly made up of angry bitter abandoned ex wives who are not able to be biased.
If you're not happy in your marriage, leave. Your children will pick up on the misery and lack of connection between you and it isn't healthy for them. Better to have two happy parents apart than miserable ones 'together for the kids'.
Wrt the OW, this may be a lustful infatuation, a symptom of your current unhappy relationship, or the love of your life and person you'll spend your life with.

Only you know the best path. But if you're going to stay with your wife (faithfully!) make bloody sure you're sure, don't stay out of a misplaced sense of duty and 'doing the right thing', it's no kindness to her and you may be throwing away your own chance for happiness as well as hers.

• unbiased !

If your wife decided to end things, how would you feel? I know a man who had an affair and confessed. They agreed to reconcile, but he was missing the OW a lot

His wife was very patient, but reached a point where she had enough and told him to leave and be with her.

Only then did he, in his words 'pull his head out of his asset and make a full commitment to reconcile.

I don't advocate staying just for the kids, but are you okay with the potential for another man being with your son, more than you?

Don't coast along for the remaining years. One thing I notice, is that it's not anything your wife can do. It's not about bet, It's your feelings towards her. It's hard to get back something that was never there to begin with though.

user1487689176

"Don't expect a balanced view here, the relationships board is mainly made up of angry bitter abandoned ex wives who are not able to be biased"

Gosh that's a really objective point of view isn't it? Your choice of words says it all - just a list of lazy gender biased cliche. I don't often see "bitter" applied to men, yet it is a universal emotion. "Abandoned" I don't often see that word with all it's associative 'shame" applied to men either. Yet it is as apt for either sex.

Have a deeper think about these things before you throw these sort of statements about. It displays an inherent refusal to abandon demeaning descriptive tropes because they carry archaic group (male) power values. Personally I always treat men and women as people and use neutral terminology in respect that these life events are universal. I see the same in many of the posters here.

user I know you are probably trying to help, but this is just exascerbating to the OP that it is the wife and other wives you are just chronically angry and stuck on their cheating husbands.

My first Ex, father of my child, did not cheat but gave up on our relationship as he couldn't grow up really. Just one of those things. I left when my son was a baby and he has spent the whole of this time very embittered and angry. He cannot accept that splitting up had any effect on the family. Of course I was going to move. Of course it meant that he was unable to father his child in the way he wanted (ie all the time).

OP and other men - leaving a family unit but being unable to cope that the fact they cannot have their cake and eat. Which is not just keeping the wife and OW, but being close and a good father and able to live a single life and move on. The family unit is gone forever. You can make the best of it, but you can't have it all ways!!!

OP you sound deeply unhappy.

If I was in your shoes I would separate and focus on co-parenting well.

It's exhausting living with someone you don't love.

I recommend watching this tedtalk with your wife on why people cheat and what infidelity means for a relationships www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved

Only you can decide if you are prepared to make it work or if you should leave for the sake of your wife

You're selfish prick who should've consider this before acting on anything. Leave and let your wife meet someone decent. Sure, you're unhappy; no one has to stay in a relationship out of obligation. Doesn't mean they should cheat and lie their way out.

I hope your circumstances work out better than mine: I have a 7yo self-harming because of her father walking out. Bitter? Yes, I am - but on behalf of my child. I wouldn't take ex-DH back if you paid me, but I'll never get over the lies.

You're selfish prick who should've consider this before acting on anything. Leave and let your wife meet someone decent. Sure, you're unhappy; no one has to stay in a relationship out of obligation. Doesn't mean they should cheat and lie their way out

Sorry but this all the way. Grass is greener syndrome if I ever did see it. Stop stalling and preventing your wife from getting the love and devotion she deserves, you are very lucky that the situation is essentially in your control and you are taking that for granted.

OP I think you need to wake up to your rather deluded assumption that your wife will welcome you back with open arms whatever.

Most betrayed partners go through a period of clinging on. It seems crazy, but I guess it is to do with shock and fear. It doesn't last though. Given your dead beat attitude towards her I think it will wear off quicker than you might imagine. It would be in your own interests to get off the fence or you may find yourself served with divorce papers before you are ready.

I served papers on my DH. He was really shocked as he knew I still loved him so expected to take his time 'choosing'. However from my perspective my future was not his choice to make.

Goodness user, such vitriol!
Why do people need to hide behind the pic and spout such hate?!
Either say something constructive or don't.
Either way, the OP did not come here to be called a wank stain and pathetic.

Pc*
Bloody autocorrect!

Sorry suninseptember have I upset you by posting my personal opinion which I will point out is quite tame to what I would really like to say