Connection with another woman - I'm stuck

[Loselose]

I know that I'm going to get some abuse on here, and I completely get why because I know what I've done is terrible and I know it was selfish. However, I'm really interested in hearing from people who have been in similar situations and might be able to offer some advice without judgment.

So, here are the facts: I've been with my wife for 13 years (we met when I was 19), and been married for the last 5. We have a 4 yo child. A few months ago I met another woman (who is single). We had an instant connection that wasn't just about physical attraction. It's something that I've not felt before with anyone, including my wife. It was a mutual "love at first sight" type feeling (and no I don't believe in that but it's the only way I can describe it). I got hugely swept up in it all. We didn't sleep together but saw each other a few times and did kiss, hug, etc. It was a partly physical affair, but much more of an emotional affair.

I got so swept up by it all that I considered separating from my wife, and I told her about what I had done. This was of course awful for her, but she has said she is prepared to forgive me and for us to work on our marriage. I know that this is the right thing to do and I cut off all contact with the other woman.

The problem is that "knowing it's the right thing" doesn't change my emotions and feelings. It's now been 10 weeks since I last had contact with the other woman, and I still really miss her. I also struggle to properly invest the energy into my marriage that I know it needs. I felt a passion and connection with OW that I didn't know existed... and whilst I completely get that this lust/chemistry will wear off, the bigger question for me is why I never felt this with my wife - even at the start. And I also question what me being open/prepared to develop these feelings for someone else says about my marriage. My wife deserves someone who loves and respects her enough not to do what I did. And I also want to be with someone I love enough for this to not even cross my mind.

To give a bit more background, I had been having doubts about certain elements of our marriage for a while, but kept pushing them to the back of my mind. We haven't had a very good sexual relationship for a long time (probably the entire marriage), and over time I think we just grew apart emotionally too. I know that I did anyway. We became parents and housemates but not much more. I felt bored and unfulfilled in my marriage and instead of properly addressing it I stupidly pushed it away and just invested my energies into other things to distract myself (friends, work, hobbies). Having kids doesn't help of course and changes the dynamic of a relationship. I don't think we dealt well with it, in hindsight. I had been lacking emotional and physical connection for a long time and stupidly just let it drift without addressing it. I'm not excusing my behaviour at all... just providing a bit of backdrop. I also really do wonder whether I've changed in the past 13 years, and whether what I want now from a relationship is different to when I was in my early 20s. Have we just grown apart? I care for her deeply but I just don't know if I love her anymore - certainly not in the way I should do.

My wife still loves me, and she didn't feel the same level of disconnection that I did. Communication between us is better now than ever as we're really talking about our problems. I'm also in individual therapy.

I guess the question is... what are my chances of getting the marriage back to one we're both happy with? Will these feelings for this other woman go away eventually? Or once you've experienced what else is out there (and it was so strong) does that continue to pray on your mind? I don't want to stay in a marriage that is broken, taking away both of our opportunities to find something better.. but I also don't want to hastily throw something away, particularly given that we have a child.

but I've been as honest as I can with her about my feelings, whilst remaining kind and respectful to her as I can be

Really? So starting an affair and pining for the OW now you're 'trying' with your marriage is being kind and respectful? Pull the other one. Obviously you can't be very kind and respectful at all.
You may think you've done the decent thing by owning up to your wife that you don't particularly love her, but don't try and convince her that you're really trying hard, while your head is in the clouds dreaming about a beautiful relationship with someone else. Who you don't even know that well. But is willing to devastate some else's relationship for kicks. Nice.
A few occasional dates and therapy which hasn't helped you see the consequences of your actions (from what you have said) is not trying hard. You say it's a difficult decision to make, but I thought you had made the decision to work on your marriage?? You don't sound very committed to that at all.

but I've been as honest as I can with her about my feelings

No you haven't. You're not even being honest with yourself.

Have you told her what you have told us? No. You're not being as honest as you can with her then.

You are being as honest as you want to be, hedging your bets, making your life easier, and dressing it up as some kind of 'respect'. It is not.

User, yes you've upset me. Admittedly I don't post here much but I'd like to think that if I do due to needing help and advice, I wouldn't be called names. There are more ways to express one's opinion than namecalling.

I'd like to add that other posters aren't exactly showing happiness at OP's behaviour/posts but they are doing so without resorting to anything else.

Everyone is entitled to thier own opinion however it is worded....I wonder how you would actually be feeling should you be the wife in this scenario....food for thought isn't it...

As the poster said in the first line of his post.....I understand I am going to get some abuse on here....to be expected dont you think....

OP - do you know how pathetic you sound? All this hand wringing and 'woe is me' about your DW - when it's painfully clear you just want to shag the OW.

It's obvious you feel you hold all the cards, deciding whether you will stay or go.

Your wife really does deserve better than this.

@user1497997754
Everyone is entitled to thier own opinion however it is worded

They are however not entitled to post it on a privately-owned website, which is why MNHQ deleted your post.

OP - you can rebuild a relationship which was strong to start with and has faltered. But it sounds like you're trying to rebuild something that never existed in the first place.

I think it would be kindest to both of you, and to your son, if you concentrated on parting ways as amicably as possible and agreeing a co-parenting relationship that gives your son the best and most loving childhood possible.

If you stick around because it's all a bit too difficult, then this situation is just going to keep happening, except next time it might be her starting the affair.

you will never feel the same way about your wife or your marriage.

you will always wonder what if with the other woman. do you want to look back in 10 or 20 years whilst sat with your wife wishing it was someone else?

you need to talk to your wife, say you have tried and you want to separate. look after her and your child don't screw them over.

You need to take care of your happiness.

Your wife sounds like she is just comfortable maybe scared of change or to be alone.

Your wife probably knows your relationship is gone.

Be honest with yourself and your wife, and the other woman.

why has this thread degenerated into a slinging match with some posters insisting that they are right and that their viewpoint/opinion is the one and only opinion.

The fact is no one is in OP's shoes but then. No one else knows the ins and outs of the marriage or the relationship with the OW. Married ppl do meet other ppl; get infatuated, obsessed etc. It's not ideal but is an indicator of problems already in the marriage. In fact, it might be the wake up call for both OP and his wife.
I don't believe (my opinion) that the OP is stringing the wife along by not making a decision and leaving. When did life and relationships become so black and white?
Posters are projecting their own personal situations onto this one, when actually it's different.
If the OP wants to try and see if they can make the marriage work, then why not?

Married ppl do meet other ppl; get infatuated, obsessed etc. It's not ideal but is an indicator of problems already in the marriage
The problem being OP got bored of his wife after so many years, and got excited over someone new, who he wants to shag. I wouldn't call that a problem in the marriage so much as a problem with his attitude.

I read some interesting research about affairs, and there's a good book about affair proofing your marriage. They debunk the idea that affairs are the sign of problems, that primarily, affairs are when boundaries around the marriage are broken, and are often opportunistic.

Blame and problems are often 'laid on' afterwards as a reason.

Which book is that, autumnskies?

It's deeper connection my left arse cheek. The only journey you're on is following your penis. Leave ffs, you've already destroyed your wife in ways you can't possibly know. And I'll echo another poster's comment that I hope she doesn't take you back when you realise what you threw away. 'Connection' utter bollocks. You had your ego stroked and wanted to plough someone else. Don't pretend this is some great romance - it's not. You're a cliche.

You can't help your feelings. Feelings happen. You can only choose whether or not to act on them. The posts telling you off for having feelings are very naive.

If only it were that easy to switch them on and off!

You were very young when you got together with your wife OP. I am now 40 and so much has changed in my life. I doubt very much I would have been happy now if I'd married my first boyfriend from when I was 19.

The fact that you've felt this connection with someone else is significant. How it's significant is something you need to work out and it sounds like you are doing so in a very thoughtful way.

Also an honest and open way by telling your wife.

Love is a truly powerful force. It also doesn't conquer all. No-one can really tell you what to do. I've felt that powerful 'once in a lifetime' love but with someone that I probably can't be with in the long term. These experiences do provide an opportunity for soul searching and personal growth.

Feel free to pm me if you like. I won't judge you.

The posts telling you off for having feelings are very naive.
No-one is telling him off for having feelings. It's whether he stepped up and dealt with them in an honest and decent manner which is being judged. Guess what? Consensus is that he didn't.

I think once youve let it get to this stage, theres no saving the marriage. Hopefully your wife will find someone else and be happy again soon. Shes still young

I am now 40 and so much has changed in my life. I doubt very much I would have been happy now if I'd married my first boyfriend from when I was 19

Well that what my dh and I did.

Of course we are very different to back then. Difference is, we chose to be open and honest throughout and as life changes us we've grown together more than we ever were back then because we have a shared history and more in common through 23 years of real partnership.

The OP took the decision not to be open, honest and sharing and he and his wife have grown apart so he inevitably looks elsewhere and wonders is the grass is greener. That's what's being pointed out time and time again.

windytwigs One of the books is 'NOT just friends: Rebuilding trust... ' it basically says that it's the willingness of both partners to be boundaried, to build a kind of 'safe house' around your relationship to rebuild the trust, is the key.

The looking for the 'problem' that led the partner into straying is a red herring. It says that with the internet and more people working, the chances of straying are harder.

Sorry I meant easier!!!

Thanks autumn. I've actually got that one and quite a few things resonated with me when I read it. Needed to have a 'boundaries' convo with OH, but he's a yes man in that situation, so not sure how much he'll stick to, esp as most everything else happened when he worked away, which is frequently. I guess when they're bored it doesn't matter what they'd said beforehand, if they're that kind of person.

People are so quick to give each other advice to leave, and I don't quite like that idea. You met someone a few months ago and met for a few times, and since haven't seen that person for a couple of months. Are you sure that's just not a temporary infatuation? Signature Walkingdead11 made a valid point previously on this thread.

I was in your wife's position, 17 years ago. I won't lie, I was absolutely devastated by my ex husband's actions and really scared about being a lone parent to our son. He left, made a go of it with OW, throughout all of this we both worked hard to make sure our sons relationship with his dad was not affected.
I met someone else and then the reality hit my ex, another man would be spending more time with his son and influencing his life. He ended his relationship, went to counselling and tried to win me back. I felt torn between giving my son the family life I thought he deserved and my new partner. When it came down it, I just couldn't trust him not to hurt me again and I worried what it would do to our son if we got back together and it failed.

Seventeen years later, I'm married to the man I had met and ex husband has remarried too. Not the woman he left for but someone really lovely and DS has 5 siblings between us. My ex and I have a good relationship and our DS has not suffered, we were careful to share the big occasions and never put him in a position where he felt he had to choose between us, when new siblings came along he was involved.

I will never forget how heartbroken and scared I was when we first split or how sad I felt when ex wanted to give it another try but I just couldn't have trusted him again. I felt sorry for OW as she was devastated but not my problem.

Everything has worked out for us all, but we went through some very very painful times to get here.

She would be better off without you. She deserves someone who respects her, go and do your navel gazing elsewhere

Hi lose

I confess I am wondering about your DW's thoughts on this. You have said that you are communicating a lot and being honest with her, but personally I would find it very hard to remain in a marriage if I were told my husband had a better connection with a virtual stranger than he ever had with me, still misses that OW and talks about 'love at first sight'.

If I were you I would be interested in her reasons for this forgiveness - is it for you, the kids, because she's worried about being single, because of her views on marriage vows? That may give you more info about what is important to you BOTH in your marriage and whether these are good enough reasons to make it work.

Do you think you could show her this thread? I wonder if you have told her what you have said here. Maybe that could shape future conversations. . .