How would you feel if your DP/DH had a takeaway for 1

[Blossomflowers]

I am wrong to be hurt by this. After a stressful day DP announced he is going out for food. Comes back with a chinese takeway and sits in the lounge and stuffs his face. Then offers me leftovers err no thanks. He has in fact done this twice in the past week. To make matters worse he knows I am broke.

Blossom he will be just nice enough, just often enough, to keep himself comfortable and to stop you from leaving. That is how people like him work. Horrible people can do good things, it doesn't make them good people.

Why do I try and fix people. Next bloke, and I suggest you stay single for a while after this loser, get one that is pre-fixed.

He is awesome when he is being nice, I just don't get it

He is PRETENDING to be nice.

this is why it's not sustainable for him.

Over time that nice will get eroded to nothing and the nasty bloke you suffer will be there all the time.

Read that book - especially the bit about the chances of an abuser changing... they don't.

Even if they did, by that time your trust is gone and on some level you will be placating them, scared that they will turn again.

Beware....when you ask him to leave he will turn into Mr Wonderful again. So you need to be prepared to see it through despite the inevitable charm offensive. He goes, end of, then block on all forms of communication other wise he will reel you back in again.

I am not sure that he is wanting you to finish the relationship actually. I think that now his feet are well and truly under your table he is pushing you to see what you will take, to start the systematic breaking down of you as his victim so you have no power and no voice. If you ask him to leave and then back down, he will have you and he will know it, he will up the abusive ante.

Please please get rid of him.

No..he is in no way awesome.

Just read back some of the things you have written.

he calls you names
he gets angry over stupid shit
He 'punishes' you by sorting himself out with food or doesn't speak to you
He acts like he hates you

FFS how can he in anyway be 'awesome'?

You clearly know this bloke is a cunt, and he's not being nice to you or making you happy, so deep down you know you need to extract yourself from him..or are you going to stick around hoping it gets better and he suddenly has a personality transplant and starts being nice to you?

I get its scary and a horrible thing to have to face, but honestly the quicker you get rid, the quicker you can move on and have a happier life.

My love, not everyone is like this, and no we don't need to fix them.

My 'wise' comes from 10 years of Stupid... Don't be me!

Bin him today and start loving the one person who really matters - YOU!

we're all here for you, we will get you through the tough times.

Hi - is this BlossomFlowers who posted a lot a few years ago? You had a hard time getting rid of the father of your teenage boy? Sorry if it is you - definitely time to (re?)-do the Freedom Programme if so. All the best for getting rid of 15 stone of dead weight and hope it goes well for you.

You probably try to fix people because you are nice and lovely, but unfortunately rather than meeting someone who sees you are nice and lovely and wants to cherish you, you've met someone who sees you are nice and lovely and wants to exploit you.

You can't fix people. You can't change people. You need to know this isn't something you can do, so not to try.

Don't stay with some one who calls you a "thick bitch". I had an ex who was full of insults - found someone new, married him! My dh would never speak to me like that, even if we're arguing. To get himself food and nothing for you!! I would have thrown the left overs over him!

He's possibly faking the 'being nice'.

Why are you with so done who has no basic manners?

Thanks all. rings yes that was me. We are now good friends and our son living with him, he is 17 now and doing really well. I had a few years on my own and dated quite a bit I really thought this guy could me great for me. Think I am shit at choosing men

To answer your questions:

Why does he behave this way? Easy because a) he's a prick and b) because he knows you'll take it. You aren't responsible for him being a prick but you are responsible for continually exposing yourself to his prickery. This is who he is and the Nast/ nice cycle is his MO.

Why do you keep trying to fix people? I have no idea but I think you should take a break from relationships while you find out.

He isnt being nice, he is putting on an act to put you off your guard so when he is horrible you can think 'oh but he is so nice the rest of the time it must be me'

Stuff that, bin pdq.

Even during our worst arguments, and we've had a few, DH has never called me anything like a 'thick bitch'. He'd be an ex DH if he had.

It's SUCH a nasty, mean and rude thing to call someone. Stop and think how it shows his real feelings toward you. Would you ever call someone that? Let alone a partner who you are supposed to care about?

He's nice just enough to ensure that you stay.

He's horrible.

You can split with someone even if they aren't a nasty abuser.

You can split because it isn't right for you.

DH has never once called me a name in 10 years we've been together.

How dare he sit in your house, 'punishing' you and calling you names. Out!

You don't have to accept this.

Exactly mummyof I was just going to say.... that however 'unhappy'and he seems with his state of affairs, he is actually getting what he wants from the relationship, ie someone to lash out at and blame to make himself feel better.

Sure there is probably some self-loathing too and some part of him will want a loving relationship, but the stronger part wants to be take out his hurt on someone else. THAT part is the part to take notice and get rid of.

LTB

My first ltb - im really sorry that this guy is such a jerk op. But this isnt about takeaways - it's about the fundamentals: respect, consideration, caring. Never mind love. It's not even an oversight or mistake - it's like he's making a point of showing you how little he cares about you.

Get him the hell out of your house and out of your life, immediately.

Please leave op it doesn't get better
Been there myself

I can cope with name calling in a heat of an argument, I have done it. What is wrong as he states he does not resort to name calling, when I point out a list of things he has called me, he denies it or say I made him angry so not his fault

he denies it or say I made him angry so not his fault. Regarding karpman triangle, he just went from perpetrator to victim and placed you as the perpetrator. You aren't going to change him.

He's not a good partner for you

He's unkind and critical

Look into leaving if you can

DH wouldn't so much as make a cup of tea without offering me one. And vice versa. He's either a complete dick, or "punishing" you for something. Either way, you don't need that in your life.

You know what to do OP.
Kick his ass out of YOUR house.
Give him a week to find somewhere else and then you'll put all his stuff outside.
IF he does this again, simple solution, go into the kitchen.
Get the washing up liquid.
Come back into the room and squeeze it all over his dinner.
He's a nasty cock.
Please good co-dependency.