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Original poster

Ex husband is dating a 16 year old, is it legal?

127 replies

SLA1978 · 10/09/2017 21:26

He is 43. I feel a bit sick about the whole thing... Is it legal? He is very open about it, so I assume it is.

Our children are supposed to be at his Friday-Monday, but she is frequently there at the weekends. I really don't feel comfortable about them being there.

I feel like I need to 'help' this girl... I don't think he would hurt her or anything, but I think it's fucking odd. She is still at school (only just gone into the sixth form though).

I don't really know what to do :(

OP posts:
Romain · 11/09/2017 10:52

I would contact social services or nspcc because although not illegal it might raise alarms bells of child sexual exploitation. She is still legally a child. It may also raise other safeguarding alarm bells

blueberrypie0112 · 11/09/2017 10:53

Can a 16 years old really consent to a grown man?

Blossomflowers · 11/09/2017 10:54

SLA yuk that is so creepy what is he thinking, also what 16 year old would want to be someone of 43, I would most def not want my kids to see that going on.

greendale17 · 11/09/2017 11:04

A 43yr old with a 16yr old- disgusting

MissBabbs · 11/09/2017 11:05

How many 16 year olds choose to spend their weekends with a 2,5 and 8 year old . I would try to check out if she was in care.

MerryMarigold · 11/09/2017 11:10

Why is he your ex h? Do you have any concerns for her well-being eg. Did he have controlling tendencies etc.

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 11/09/2017 11:17

First and foremost the OP needs to get her own legal advice re withdrawing contact.

Everyone is talking about going to social services/the girl's school/finding out if she's in care, but the upshot is that if she isn't then as grim as it is neither of them are breaking the law. And even if she is SS are unlikely to intervene as she's over the age of consent and to the PP who asked, yes, a sixteen year old is able to consent to a grown man, bearing in mind that the age for a grown man is eighteen.

But the potential issue that the OP faces is that if this girl is seen to be in a legitimate relationship, with her parents' blessing (even if that blessing is just based on the hope that doing nothing will mean that the relationship fizzles out which it almost certainly will,) then the OP could find herself on the wrong end of a parental alienation accusation if the father were to go to court and bring up the fact that OP had gone to social services etc to try and get this relationship stopped. And as the children are below the age where their views would be taken into account she may end up in a position where she is forced to hand over the children to him (and her) every weekend.

As tempting as it is to go round there and knock his head off tell him that he needs to stop seeing this girl as what he's doing is immoral, the more the OP plays by the rules the more likely it is that she will get the outcome she wants i.e. For the children to not go there.

NachoAddict · 11/09/2017 11:30

I know how you feel, my Ex was in a relationship with a 16 year old when he and I separated and I felt sick too. She looked so young and it made my skin crawl that he could find her attractive. She was very pretty but she was not a woman, she was most definitely a child.

The children absolutely adored her but his and her relationship was volatile, they argued, fought, she was jealous and had issues with him and me communicating. She was immature (obviously!) and being pushed into a role as stepmum.

Needless to say it didn't end well and I was left to deal with the questions from the kids.

Sorry no advice there but just wanted you to know you are not alone and I totally get the frustration, revulsion and horror you are feeling.

NachoAddict · 11/09/2017 11:43

Just a note about social services - the girl my ex was in a relationship with was a Looked After Child, in the care system still living in supported housing and no one batted an eyelid. He was 27 so a fair bit younger than your DH but still far too old to be pursuing a vulnerable 16 year old girl.

he also dumped her when she turned 18!

SmoothieLove · 11/09/2017 12:46

"It was a school day and I asked who's child that was and that was how I found out"

^^this made me chuckle.

He is a creep. Dating a school girl at age 43 AND made worse because he has young daughters. I doubt the relationship will last .. I also fully imagine that your eldest DD with reflect on the relationship in years to come because she is old enough to recognise they are in a relationship and as she starts to age a bit /gets into her teens will be disgusted by her dad.

ppmf10 · 11/09/2017 12:54

I hate to say it, but is she definitely 16?
Is he the only confirmation of this? Or maybe she has told him she is...
I'm really shocked, I wasn't aware this was legal! I thought as a child is a minor until 18, that this couldn't happen. I hope there is** something that can be done r.e. Safeguarding etc.

00100001 · 11/09/2017 13:43

I fail to see how it's your problem who he dates?

MadMags · 11/09/2017 13:44

Course you do! Hmm

Melabela10 · 11/09/2017 13:45

It's legal unless he is in certi posuton of trust as suggested above . Unfortunately legally speaking there is not much you can do and telling her parents wouldn't make much difference to their relationship but may cause her adverse reaction . Given she is around your children I will try not to frustrate her.

No judgments . But yes, morally speaking. 43 ys old dad dating 16 yrs old sounds is a ahoy wrong

FizzyGreenWater · 11/09/2017 13:47

Not the only thing you fail at I'm sure, 00100001

LazaUbi · 11/09/2017 13:59

What a scumbag. Legal or not that is vile. Sad

DownstairsMixUp · 11/09/2017 14:20

Ugh not gonna repeat the answers op, just wanted to say I feel for you, must be bloody awful! X

SerfTerf · 11/09/2017 14:20

Went there "in the week" and she'd just finished exams? What country are you in?

blueberrypie0112 · 11/09/2017 14:21

Should be a gap limit when it comes comes to minors

PinkFluffyFairy · 11/09/2017 14:22

The law doesn't make sense. Age of consent in 16 but you're not an adult until you're 18, so surely she is a child still?

PinkFluffyFairy · 11/09/2017 14:24

*is

CockacidalManiac · 11/09/2017 14:25

What a creepy fucker

Daffodil397 · 11/09/2017 14:49

I'd be very worried about my kids going to that environment too OP.
Your eldest child is 8, would he be happy for him/her to be in a relationship with a person in their 40s in 8 years time?
I find it worrying that a parent can not see that his actions towards a young person are very wrong, even if technically legal (if she is actually 16 and the relationship did not start before she became 16).
Agree with others that this is a very valid reason to renegotiate access, also that the current arrangement doesn't sound fair on you anyway.
And as someone who works in a related field, yes, I'd want to contact the parents if possible (just as another parent who has noticed a concerning situation) and also flag it up to her school or social services.
Just in case there's a history there.
I would want to do that to fulfil my responsibility as a parent myself.
Sorry that you are in this situation, co-parenting with someone with an attitude like this towards young people. Scary and horrible. Flowers

00100001 · 11/09/2017 17:46

oh wow - thanks fizzy

NightGard3n · 12/09/2017 00:36

If in UK both single can get married in Scotland at 16, think of Gretna Green. I believe some males think with their body parts and not with their brains. He probably thinks he is lucky. Everyone else thinks he looks ridiculous. However, he is not the first and probably won't be the last. I feel sorry for the children and wider families who are involved