Ex husband is dating a 16 year old, is it legal?

[SLA1978]

He is 43. I feel a bit sick about the whole thing... Is it legal? He is very open about it, so I assume it is.

Our children are supposed to be at his Friday-Monday, but she is frequently there at the weekends. I really don't feel comfortable about them being there.

I feel like I need to 'help' this girl... I don't think he would hurt her or anything, but I think it's fucking odd. She is still at school (only just gone into the sixth form though).

I don't really know what to do :(

There's only a 10 year bigger age gap between me and my grandad. Fucking disgusting.

It's legal (barely) but still doesn't sit right with me personally.
Hes old enough to comfortably be her dad (with years to spare)

None of this works for you. Or for your kids. Act now. Renegotiate contact, this is an obvious necessity.

That's disgusting. 16 is a child.
I wonder where her parents are? I wonder if her parents aren't that bothered she could be a vulnerable child and therefore more easily manipulated. I'd definitely be telling SS I really wonder how he met her and how it became a relationship? It's not like she's at a bar and he just ended up talking to her, it's really suspect op 😓
I worry about your children around him, please be safe.

I think if you're this concerned, you know that it's not right, legal or not. They're your kids, you have to make a decision on whether or not you believe this could affect your kids. Personally, if my ex was with a 16 year old I wouldn't feel comfortable with my kids going round there, and he's 29.

Good luck OP

Obviously not illegal but grim. At 17 I dated someone who was 42 and his daughter was the same age (she introduced us which is even weirder!) but now at the age of 37 I cannot understand it, why on earth did he have any interest in someone that young. It is not particularly uncommon IME but doesn't make it easy for you regardless.

Definitely get advice re the contact, it clearly isn't a good agreement for you with the weekends and be clear on what is acceptable. I suppose you would have to treat it like any other girlfriend but that doesn't mean she should have any lone contact with your DCs etc. I would assume that would be the case in the early days with any new partners.

That's just wrong. What the hell is wrong with him, it's not just the sexual element, what the hell does he have in common with a sixteen year old, they can't even go to the pub together for a drink.

I have to be honest and say I would ostracise any man in our social circle who did this.

I don't know what uou do though. It's unsavoury but it is legal.

Oh, and I saw a solicitor when my ex wanted my dc every weekend. He said that wouldn't work because when would I see them.

I'm sorry but I wouldn't allow the children around her, purely because it's intense. She's a kid too. Would she cope with them? Toddlers are a handful and you have three kids. 16 years old and he's 43... what do they have in common? Is she ready to be a step mum type figure? I'd be questioning your husbands motives too. Sixteen... damn.

Did he seem proud of himself or ashamed when you found out?

Make this your trigger to renegotiate contact, every weekend was extremely unfair. The relationship is disgusting but I don't know what you can do about it sadly.
Is he making a fuss about not getting the children for a couple of weeks? Who cares if he does night shift, he still needs to do some weekdays if he wants 50 50. He does NOT Get his cake and eat it too. Poor girl.

That's grim. I'd see a solicitor - every weekend isn't fair on you so should be renegotiated anyway but I'd also ask about her age in case there are any safeguarding issues.

It's grim and yes definitely rearrange contact. What does he do for a job? Would having a 'relationship' with a 16 year old be a sensitive issue?

While she is of legal age to be in an adult sexual relationship if she gives consent, social services would be interested to know if she has a history of being in the care system (since they have protective duties until 18) or if there was evidence of grooming prior to 16. While legal, there are still concerns from a child protection/ safeguarding perspective. However, if you do report this please be aware that social workers may tell the girl that you were the referring agent.

It probably won't last as she will out-grow him emotionally and come to see him as being too old for her, and not cool to have around her mates. He is clearly deeply inadequate if he feels attracted to such a young girl, and it may reflect him inability to engage in equal relationships with women of his own age group without them seeing his shortcomings.

Apart from the fact that it's creepy as fuck, (and no, not all men in their 40's and older fantasise about shagging a teenager!) I wonder what the hell they can have in common? What do they talk about? Her collection of sharpies and gel pens? Her collection of Justin Bieber cuttings she got from Bliss and J-17 magazine? What does he buy her for a gift? An alice band with her name on it? Some 'Frozen' socks? Some earrings from Claire's?

It's like on Doctor Foster; her husband who is 43, goes off with her friend's daughter who is 19. WTF? What can they possibly have in common? Aside from the obvious; she is probably firmer and more nubile than the middle aged wife, what else is there? What do they even talk about?

And what about in 20 years time, when she is 39 (still young and attractive probably,) and he is a pensioner? Is she going to want to look after him when his 55+ ailments kick in, and he isn't the sporty, fit, sexy older man she went for, but a grumpy, miserable, and boring curmudgeon, who just wants to sit in the house watching old 1980's comedy programmes that were on before she existed?

I know several women aged 40-42 who got with - and married a man who was around 20 to 23 years older, when she was 22 and he was 42-45 (ish.) And although they were a sexy and solvent and exciting middle aged man then, they are dowdy, miserable codgers now who think her job is to be the housewife and mother , and do sod-all in the house to help, and do nothing but grumble about everything. One woman is 39, and her husband is 61, and he is ill all the time, and she spends her life caring for him. Even their 11 year old son barely gets a look in, as his elderly and ailing father gets all the attention.

I would actually pity the girl @SLA1978, and I honestly think your ex looks like a desperate and dirty old man. And everyone else will think it too.

I would contact the nspcc, I had to report something similar (about sixteen year old in a sexually vulnerable position) and they took it very seriously, despite the girl being sixteen! Police and social work became involved and an assessment was carried out. I was reporting on behalf of her concerned friend and whilst they didn't stop their relationship, I would never have lived with myself if I hadn't contacted them.

All the nspcc can say is that they can't do anything. I feel for the poor girls Mother! I would be very concerned about your ex's sexual preferences. Especially as the girl looks so young. I think you have every right to withhold access until you have reported this to social services.

Consider contacting your local safeguarding team. They would be very interested to hear about this!

It's disgusting. Where did he even meet her? Was he hanging round the school gates?

He is inadequate.

He wants someone younger to boss about and teach about life.

It is super grim. She isn't 18 yet.

My friend did this when we were at school and I now know she wished someone had stepped in.

I agree with GoldenOrb. He might not be legally countable in a court but I think it would raise massive safeguarding concerns as she is still at school and under 18. I'd be reporting it to school and hope they are shit hot with their safeguarding procedures.

This is a horrific situation. One possibility would be to stop him seeing the children ( or refuse overnight stays) because of your concerns. Ask for your contact arrangements to be reviewed ( assuming they were put in place by a Court). The court will almost certainly ask for a CAFCASS report and they will be very interested in your ex husband's girlfriend. I think you stand a very good chance of getting your contact agreement changed and if your ex's gf is a vulnerable person they may refer her details on to another SS Dept. I had concerns about what was going on when my DS was at his father's ( nowhere near as bad as the OP's situation) and CAFCASS were brilliant, despite my initial fears that my concerns would be ignored. Good luck, your ex sounds appalling and you sounds like a lovely mum.

This is really disgusting. What a vile man. At 16 some girls would be so flattered and think this was the best thing ever as they just don't know any better. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with my children being around a man like your ex tbh so I'd definitely get legal advice. I don't think she is the problem at all but his behaviour definitely is. He must know it's so wrong.

That's so creepy and downright grim. My DD is that age and I would want to know. She is so young. What is he thinking?😠 I also agree about social services. She may be vulnerable and he may have groomed her pre 16. Yuk. I wouldn't want my children in that situation op.

Not illegal but definitely grim.
I really don't see why she has to be there when your children are. Can you agree with him that new partners not be introduced / be around kids until the relationship is 6 months along. ( hopefully it will have fizzled out by then). Making the agreement go both ways might make him be less defensive about it.