I didn't meet this man for coffee - I did the right thing didn't I?

[Deadsouls]

Hello,

I'm posting here to get feedback on this and as to whether I made a correct decision to not meet a man who asked me for coffee. What do the mumsnetters think?

I recently initiated contact by messaging a man whose feed i had been following on Instagram. He is a photographer and has a public profile. He was 'suggested' as we had a mutual contact. I am divorced and have been single for a few years. I wanted to try something new, take a risk and start dating, much as the thought fills me with anxiety. Talking to the man there were several things that stood out for me:

1. He goes to SLAA sex and love addicts anonymous. A 12 step fellowship as the name suggests.
2. He had 5 children by 4 different mothers. (This was openly visible on his Instagram, I asked him). The 2 youngest are 13 months apart from 2 different mothers. He said he fell in love with one whilst he was with the other (the baby must've been 3 months old), and got the new woman pregnant because she wanted a child. He is not with any of the mothers.
3. He was serially unfaithful in his marriage.
4. He talked quite a lot about the mutual woman we knew (I only knew as an acquaintance ), and said he'd been in a relationship with her. Then told me really personal stuff about her. He also told me a lot about himself, very personal stuff, though I wanted to know as was curious as to how he'd come to have so many children by different mothers. It stood out for me that he would divulge so much information to someone he didn't know. I revealed very little.
5. In the intial phone convo he asked me if I liked sex and I felt uncomfortable and told him.
6. He asked me my height, dress size and shoe size to get a 'visual'. I felt uncomfortable but he said as he'd been in the army and reconiassace that was the way he processed information.
7. Suggested we meet a couple of days after our phone convo which I felt was pretty speedy. I wish I hadn't agreed.
8. He asked how long I'd been separated, I said 4 years. And he said 'so you haven't had sex for 4 years'. I felt uncomfortable and didn't answer.

Anyway I started to feel very anxious about meeting him. It was supposed to be yesterday. And very uneasy. I couldn't shake off the feeling of uneasiness.but I thought it's just natural nerves, I'm also quite anxious in this situation, this is to be expected. Also that everyone has a past and I could be open minded. But I didn't really want to go in all honesty. But I couldn't seem to find the words to text and say I wasn't coming. I just hoped he wouldn't text.
So long story short, I didn't go. We had text communication that turned weird. He seemed annoyed that I was anxious about meeting, said he couldn't be around anxious people. Said I was displaying 'red flags'. Said the last person who'd acted like this around meeting up was the crazy insecure ex-girlfriend. He didn't have energy to reassure someone, it's just a coffee etc. Then said it'd be better if we didn't communicate, then blocked me on Instagram.
Really I didn't want to meet him. But I couldn't say it. But the things he wrote in the texts have left me feeling crap about myself. And as I said it's hard to know what was natural anxiety about meeting someone for the first time, or intuition that this guy was a womaniser and a player. Now feeling that I'm impaired in some way and that I can't even meet someone for a simple coffee. And his 'red flags' comment and comparing to me to the 'crazy ex' have really hurt me. It sounds silly as I don't know this man.
Thanks for reading if you have. I didn't mean it to be so long.

He sounds dreadful. You've swerved a bullet there.

Ugh, no thank you.

You don't need that, he's a knob x

He sounds awful.dodged a bullet there...

You did the right thing, yes :)

Jeez he sounds a total arse, you did the right thing.

You chatted to a man online, he told you he's a sex addict, and you arranged to go for a coffee with him?

At the least, I just wanted to get to know him more by phone before meeting for one on one. Again my part is that I didn't feel 'brave' enough to articulate this clearly. I do feel his reaction was really over the top. I was at all times polite reasonable etc.

Forgot to say I also noted that he didn't like 'neediness'.

Left feeling confused by the whole thing.

Number 7 is not a bad sign IMO.

I like to meet people quickly - no point wasting time on lots of messages or phone calls and building up too much of an idea of them in my head.

Of course, in many cases you can tell that you don't want to meet someone without having to meet them.

Oh god, you 100% did the right thing. Red flags everywhere. Lucky escape definitely.

In what way are you confused?

This guys sounds awful.

morriszapp
He didn't say that he was a sex addict though it was evident. And yes I know, I'm asking myself the same thing. Why did I agree?

I should've just said 'no I don't want to meet'

Do you think that you owe it to people to give them a chance?

You don't.

You don't owe them anything. Not a message, not a phone call, not a meeting.

The only red flags are his own. He sounds like a creep and your spidey senses were right!

trills

Because of my own personal history I guess. And not knowing when to trust my intuition.

I think it's a shame that when you went to dip your toe in the dating pool, you missed and slipped in the slimy mud.

Don't let this odd experience put you off, and don't tie your self confidence to someone who clearly isn't worth it. It's not you, it's him. And you know it. Be glad you have good instincts.

And if anyone ever tells you again that their army training requires that you describe your physical attributes so they can 'process' you, piss yourself laughing and thank them for making it so easy to walk away.

Sheesh!

He sounds like one of those people who says he "wears his heart on his sleeve, says what he thinks, take me as you find me, wysiwyg". In reality he's an overintrusive, arrogant bastard who completely meant to make you feel like a prude. Don't let him. I think you'll find your instincts are excellent. Follow them always.

trills
Yes you're spot on. I did find it hard to say no, and I did feel I 'owed' him to meet him. I know this speaks of my own boundary issues...maybe that's why it's upset me. Somehow I couldn't just find it in me to send a simple text to say I didn't want to meet.
Also a part of me was enjoying that sort of chatting/attention (it only lasted a couple of days), as it's been so long.

I was watching an episode of Dr Phil the other day and a woman on there who had been catfished did that she had wanted to gobble her lover the 'benefit of the doubt'. And Dr Phil said that giving someone the benefit of the doubt was insane, when all the facts in front of you tell you something completely different!!

Don't feel guilty or bad...look at the list you posted here!! You did completely the right thing and quite frankly I wouldn't give the scumbag a second thought!!

And what skittlesandbeer said. Very well put.

You don't need to say 'I don't want to meet', not many of us are brave enough for that! You can say 'I'm really busy at the moment, but it would be great to catch up sometime ' or even 'From the sounds of it I'm not sure we're suited, all the best.' Or some such!

I am wondering though how on earth you could feel uncertain about this bloke, he sounds awful!

Also I'm one of those people who realises things in retrospect. So whilst talking he sounds like a perfectly reasonable intelligent man. Good to talk to, interesting life.
So I picked up on things and really only felt it after.

Thank you all the time you're taking to reply by the way.