I didn't meet this man for coffee - I did the right thing didn't I?

[Deadsouls]

Hello,

I'm posting here to get feedback on this and as to whether I made a correct decision to not meet a man who asked me for coffee. What do the mumsnetters think?

I recently initiated contact by messaging a man whose feed i had been following on Instagram. He is a photographer and has a public profile. He was 'suggested' as we had a mutual contact. I am divorced and have been single for a few years. I wanted to try something new, take a risk and start dating, much as the thought fills me with anxiety. Talking to the man there were several things that stood out for me:

1. He goes to SLAA sex and love addicts anonymous. A 12 step fellowship as the name suggests.
2. He had 5 children by 4 different mothers. (This was openly visible on his Instagram, I asked him). The 2 youngest are 13 months apart from 2 different mothers. He said he fell in love with one whilst he was with the other (the baby must've been 3 months old), and got the new woman pregnant because she wanted a child. He is not with any of the mothers.
3. He was serially unfaithful in his marriage.
4. He talked quite a lot about the mutual woman we knew (I only knew as an acquaintance ), and said he'd been in a relationship with her. Then told me really personal stuff about her. He also told me a lot about himself, very personal stuff, though I wanted to know as was curious as to how he'd come to have so many children by different mothers. It stood out for me that he would divulge so much information to someone he didn't know. I revealed very little.
5. In the intial phone convo he asked me if I liked sex and I felt uncomfortable and told him.
6. He asked me my height, dress size and shoe size to get a 'visual'. I felt uncomfortable but he said as he'd been in the army and reconiassace that was the way he processed information.
7. Suggested we meet a couple of days after our phone convo which I felt was pretty speedy. I wish I hadn't agreed.
8. He asked how long I'd been separated, I said 4 years. And he said 'so you haven't had sex for 4 years'. I felt uncomfortable and didn't answer.

Anyway I started to feel very anxious about meeting him. It was supposed to be yesterday. And very uneasy. I couldn't shake off the feeling of uneasiness.but I thought it's just natural nerves, I'm also quite anxious in this situation, this is to be expected. Also that everyone has a past and I could be open minded. But I didn't really want to go in all honesty. But I couldn't seem to find the words to text and say I wasn't coming. I just hoped he wouldn't text.
So long story short, I didn't go. We had text communication that turned weird. He seemed annoyed that I was anxious about meeting, said he couldn't be around anxious people. Said I was displaying 'red flags'. Said the last person who'd acted like this around meeting up was the crazy insecure ex-girlfriend. He didn't have energy to reassure someone, it's just a coffee etc. Then said it'd be better if we didn't communicate, then blocked me on Instagram.
Really I didn't want to meet him. But I couldn't say it. But the things he wrote in the texts have left me feeling crap about myself. And as I said it's hard to know what was natural anxiety about meeting someone for the first time, or intuition that this guy was a womaniser and a player. Now feeling that I'm impaired in some way and that I can't even meet someone for a simple coffee. And his 'red flags' comment and comparing to me to the 'crazy ex' have really hurt me. It sounds silly as I don't know this man.
Thanks for reading if you have. I didn't mean it to be so long.

Really? Really?!? p.5 and I get to be the first person to mention "Bye Felipe"?

I agree with all the others. You did right, and of course he said all those nasty things because if he can't get his way, he's going to try to make you feel like shit about yourself.

A Mumsnetter once suggested that whenever anybody says something nasty to you, just imagine it's Donald Trump saying it. It'll help you to laugh it out of your system.

And Google "Bye Felipe" (indeed, I think it's Instagram based) - more cathartic outrage that may well help!

Well done you!

Weirdo...avoid avoid avoid!

in the initial convo he asked me if I like sex
Would you honestly speak to/ask questions like that to someone you don't know? That one question in itself would have had me blocking HIM! He sounds absolutely bloody awful. I would probably have had a bit of fun with the dress/shoe/height thing though.

I think you should work on your self esteem before going into the dating arena. You will come across many a Brigadier with a wardrobe full of profiles he has collectedDon't let this put you off, but equally be prepared with an acerbic wit, and a broad back.

This 'man' is so so wrong. Consider yourself incredibly lucky he has blocked you, he's a bloody loon!

jellyheadbang
Thanks for sharing your story. I too have got involved with my fair share of terrible guys. But what really did it was a few years ago I was involved with a man who I absolutely got sucked in by who turned out to be an absolute cruel shit, who treated women appallingly. I so did not see it coming. I believed what he told me. So from then I was like, 'listen to your intuition' (or I had wished so badly that I had).

Of course, I don't paint all people in SLAA with the same brush. But there was something about this man - I knew he was a player. From what he told me.

preemptivesalvageengineer

Thanks for the Goodbye Felipe Instagram page . I looked it up....very funny. I wish I'd screenshotted my convo (now deleted)

AND wonderful perspective changes everything...

Now I'm like .....WHO or at least what kind of decent man (the kind I'd want to date), compare someones they hardly know with their ex-girlfriend:

Saying, 'the last person who acted like this (I didn't act anyway) before meeting for the first time was .............'

You are doing brilliantly.

Fwiw, the bit where he blocked you first reads to me like when someone is handed his P45 for stealing from the stationery cupboard and perving over the 18yo office junior, and yells "Yeah, well you can't fire me because I RESIGN" over his shoulder as security walk him to his car.

MrsHathaway

a bit someone flouncing!

• it's a bit like a massive flounce with bells on

Big shiny knob-shaped bells!

More red flags than a Communist rally!

You did absolutely the right thing in trusting your gut. Never trust a man who makes you feel in any way uneasy. He sounds like a creep and a sleazeball. Agree with everyone who said you've dodged a bullet. Don't give him another thought

Lucky escape I say.