I didn't meet this man for coffee - I did the right thing didn't I?

[Deadsouls]

Hello,

I'm posting here to get feedback on this and as to whether I made a correct decision to not meet a man who asked me for coffee. What do the mumsnetters think?

I recently initiated contact by messaging a man whose feed i had been following on Instagram. He is a photographer and has a public profile. He was 'suggested' as we had a mutual contact. I am divorced and have been single for a few years. I wanted to try something new, take a risk and start dating, much as the thought fills me with anxiety. Talking to the man there were several things that stood out for me:

1. He goes to SLAA sex and love addicts anonymous. A 12 step fellowship as the name suggests.
2. He had 5 children by 4 different mothers. (This was openly visible on his Instagram, I asked him). The 2 youngest are 13 months apart from 2 different mothers. He said he fell in love with one whilst he was with the other (the baby must've been 3 months old), and got the new woman pregnant because she wanted a child. He is not with any of the mothers.
3. He was serially unfaithful in his marriage.
4. He talked quite a lot about the mutual woman we knew (I only knew as an acquaintance ), and said he'd been in a relationship with her. Then told me really personal stuff about her. He also told me a lot about himself, very personal stuff, though I wanted to know as was curious as to how he'd come to have so many children by different mothers. It stood out for me that he would divulge so much information to someone he didn't know. I revealed very little.
5. In the intial phone convo he asked me if I liked sex and I felt uncomfortable and told him.
6. He asked me my height, dress size and shoe size to get a 'visual'. I felt uncomfortable but he said as he'd been in the army and reconiassace that was the way he processed information.
7. Suggested we meet a couple of days after our phone convo which I felt was pretty speedy. I wish I hadn't agreed.
8. He asked how long I'd been separated, I said 4 years. And he said 'so you haven't had sex for 4 years'. I felt uncomfortable and didn't answer.

Anyway I started to feel very anxious about meeting him. It was supposed to be yesterday. And very uneasy. I couldn't shake off the feeling of uneasiness.but I thought it's just natural nerves, I'm also quite anxious in this situation, this is to be expected. Also that everyone has a past and I could be open minded. But I didn't really want to go in all honesty. But I couldn't seem to find the words to text and say I wasn't coming. I just hoped he wouldn't text.
So long story short, I didn't go. We had text communication that turned weird. He seemed annoyed that I was anxious about meeting, said he couldn't be around anxious people. Said I was displaying 'red flags'. Said the last person who'd acted like this around meeting up was the crazy insecure ex-girlfriend. He didn't have energy to reassure someone, it's just a coffee etc. Then said it'd be better if we didn't communicate, then blocked me on Instagram.
Really I didn't want to meet him. But I couldn't say it. But the things he wrote in the texts have left me feeling crap about myself. And as I said it's hard to know what was natural anxiety about meeting someone for the first time, or intuition that this guy was a womaniser and a player. Now feeling that I'm impaired in some way and that I can't even meet someone for a simple coffee. And his 'red flags' comment and comparing to me to the 'crazy ex' have really hurt me. It sounds silly as I don't know this man.
Thanks for reading if you have. I didn't mean it to be so long.

he sounds very weird indeed. Don't let this exchange make you feel bad. You have dodged a bullet.

This may feel confusing now, but I'm sure when time passes and you go on regular dates you will remember this as a dodged bullet.

lol sorry for the strange typos...😂😂 She said that she wanted to give her lover the benefit of the doubt!!

skittles

at the army thing. I know it's hilarious when you say it like that.

Also I'm one of those people who realises things in retrospect. So whilst talking he sounds like a perfectly reasonable intelligent man. Good to talk to, interesting life.
So I picked up on things and really only felt it after.
I know exactly what you mean by this. But I think if you pay attention and think critically about what people are saying and why they could be saying it you'll stop feeling like you have to give them the benefit of the doubt, as a PP said.

I nearly stopped reading at 1 because that's enough of a reason to have backed out. Anything he slung at you was just an attempt to confuse you into thinking that you have the problem and there's something wrong with you. You don't and there isn't. The problems are all his.

to you all. This is cheering me up. I know right now I'm making it bigger than it is.
To those wondering how I could even be confused. What I mean I suppose is I've been left feeling confused by his comments which I know I'm giving far too much power at the minute.
Plus the confusing messages he gave out, asking me if I liked sex on the one hand saying he had no agenda on the other.
The thing is I've been taken in by a charming womaniser before and they are very convincing. So I was super wary given his past history but did have that thing of giving the benefit of the doubt as another poster said.

I agree with everyone - you've totally dodged a bullet. Oh God to the 'give me your height, dress size' etc
So he knew you were off him, and is so mean spirited (see having an affair when girlfriend has given birth 3 months before) that he had to make you doubt yourself and make you feel a bit shit before he went.

Breathe a huge sigh of relief OP. I second the fact that your instincts are working perfectly.

lastgirlontheleft

I really like the typo 'gobbled her lover'

The 'benefit of the doubt' only works if there is any doubt.

I know what you mean though, sometimes you feel uneasy but can't really process what your concerns are 'in the moment', that's why at the time it does feel as if there is some doubt.

I think Angel put it better than I did, cross post. It's taking me ages to type in phone.

centreyourself

I do find it shocking and cruel that he got another woman pregnant 'because she wanted a child', when he was still with the other who had a baby.

Again it was 'give the benefit of doubt' , 'don't make assumptions' and so on. I think I have to learn that it's really okay to make a judgement call and say to myself, 'actually that is shocking behaviour and I don't want to meet this man'

He thought YOU raised red flags? Really? Because I'd say you're the lucky one who got away here! Your instincts were spot on. The only thing you got wrong was saying yes to meeting him in the first place. He sounds like a total creep.

I feel grateful for all your input. I do feel relieved that it didn't go any further. I'm totally convinced he was a charmer and a womaniser who'd have dumped me after we (may have) had sex, or if I dared to express any sign of vulnerability or insecurity.

I met someone from the internet a couple of years ago (still with him) and felt really nervous beforehand and really wanted to cancel. However I think I knew that this was 'natural anxiety about meeting someone for the first time' because it came out of the blue just before setting off and was not triggered by anything the bloke had done. Still felt sick though.

He sounded like a creep at first....
but then when you didn't want to go out with him and he tried to make you feel as though there was something wrong with you he sounded like a poisonous, malicious bully and creep.

What a scumbag.
Go on - out his instagram to us so we can all troll him
just kidding not really

Isn't there some book, The Gift of Fear that MNers talk about?? I always curse myself for not listening to my instinct so OP if I were you I think I would be congratulating myself!!

Absolutely horrible. That stood out at me although I could have picked anything from the list - giving you personal info about someone who was a mutual friend and had introduced you. Of course alarm bells would be ringing and you'd be thinking 'he's going to do the same thing to me, of course he is' and he would have. He's a monumental shit and I think your confusion arises from, somewhere deep inside, not having the satisfaction of rejecting him yourself.
I mean, making him think for a second that you were undecided about meeting him rather than just actually telling him you didn't think you'd get on.

So I picked up on things and really only felt it after.

Which is exactly why your approach of taking things slowly and getting more of a feel for a person before you meet is spot on. Anyone who tries to rush you or questions your wish to take things slowly is to be avoided, if they're worth bothering with they'll be happy to take things at your pace. I actually think your instincts are pretty accurate OP, you just need to learn to trust them

sweetluck
I hope I'll become more clear about what is 'natural anxiety' and what are actual full on alarm bells.
It's heartening to hear that you are still together after feeling so nervous before first meeting.

centreyourself

I thought it was incredibly disrespectful of him to tell me this stuff about the mutual person.

You're absolutely right. My ego is hurt that I didn't say to him first 'sorry no', I left it up to him. Very frustrating!

And yes I did let him know I was undecided rather than a straight up no

The thing is I've been taken in by a charming womaniser before

He is obviously a womaniser, but 'charming'? My skin is crawling and I don't know who he is.

Just read your OP out to dd, and asked her whether she would go out with a man like you describe. Her reply?

"Hell, no. He sounds like a sex maniac pervert".