I didn't meet this man for coffee - I did the right thing didn't I?

[Deadsouls]

Hello,

I'm posting here to get feedback on this and as to whether I made a correct decision to not meet a man who asked me for coffee. What do the mumsnetters think?

I recently initiated contact by messaging a man whose feed i had been following on Instagram. He is a photographer and has a public profile. He was 'suggested' as we had a mutual contact. I am divorced and have been single for a few years. I wanted to try something new, take a risk and start dating, much as the thought fills me with anxiety. Talking to the man there were several things that stood out for me:

1. He goes to SLAA sex and love addicts anonymous. A 12 step fellowship as the name suggests.
2. He had 5 children by 4 different mothers. (This was openly visible on his Instagram, I asked him). The 2 youngest are 13 months apart from 2 different mothers. He said he fell in love with one whilst he was with the other (the baby must've been 3 months old), and got the new woman pregnant because she wanted a child. He is not with any of the mothers.
3. He was serially unfaithful in his marriage.
4. He talked quite a lot about the mutual woman we knew (I only knew as an acquaintance ), and said he'd been in a relationship with her. Then told me really personal stuff about her. He also told me a lot about himself, very personal stuff, though I wanted to know as was curious as to how he'd come to have so many children by different mothers. It stood out for me that he would divulge so much information to someone he didn't know. I revealed very little.
5. In the intial phone convo he asked me if I liked sex and I felt uncomfortable and told him.
6. He asked me my height, dress size and shoe size to get a 'visual'. I felt uncomfortable but he said as he'd been in the army and reconiassace that was the way he processed information.
7. Suggested we meet a couple of days after our phone convo which I felt was pretty speedy. I wish I hadn't agreed.
8. He asked how long I'd been separated, I said 4 years. And he said 'so you haven't had sex for 4 years'. I felt uncomfortable and didn't answer.

Anyway I started to feel very anxious about meeting him. It was supposed to be yesterday. And very uneasy. I couldn't shake off the feeling of uneasiness.but I thought it's just natural nerves, I'm also quite anxious in this situation, this is to be expected. Also that everyone has a past and I could be open minded. But I didn't really want to go in all honesty. But I couldn't seem to find the words to text and say I wasn't coming. I just hoped he wouldn't text.
So long story short, I didn't go. We had text communication that turned weird. He seemed annoyed that I was anxious about meeting, said he couldn't be around anxious people. Said I was displaying 'red flags'. Said the last person who'd acted like this around meeting up was the crazy insecure ex-girlfriend. He didn't have energy to reassure someone, it's just a coffee etc. Then said it'd be better if we didn't communicate, then blocked me on Instagram.
Really I didn't want to meet him. But I couldn't say it. But the things he wrote in the texts have left me feeling crap about myself. And as I said it's hard to know what was natural anxiety about meeting someone for the first time, or intuition that this guy was a womaniser and a player. Now feeling that I'm impaired in some way and that I can't even meet someone for a simple coffee. And his 'red flags' comment and comparing to me to the 'crazy ex' have really hurt me. It sounds silly as I don't know this man.
Thanks for reading if you have. I didn't mean it to be so long.

I think I have a lot to learn about relationships

And boundaries and saying no, people pleasing, and the kind of men I make contact with.

I think the 12 step thing for me would be a boundary. I'm not saying that there aren't good men out there in 12 step, but I think for me right now it's a no no.

I really appreciate all your comments, it's helpful to get perspective.

pricklyballs

I like the boundary, 'must speak respectfully of their exs'

I find this to be a big tell. I was once involved with a man who painted s picture of his ex; as crazy, insecure etc etc

Then I found out from my own experience the reason she may have acted 'crazy' is because he drives women crazy with his behaviour. I can't believe what this man divulged about her to a complete stranger.

Anyway....slightly bruised I guess.

Yes you absolutely need some work on your boundaries and understanding of relationships before you start another. My jaw was on the floor throughout your whole op at all the many horrible things he said and did over 2 days of chatting and the fact that you were still going to meet him!

AdalindSchade

I know...I feel quite despondent about it. I wish I hadn't agreed at the time.

I didn't even fancy him from the photos

Why did you approach him on Instagram if you could tell he was in a 12 step programme and seemed to have a complicated life from his pictures?

I don't think you are ready to date.

No no no

Deadsouls
It amazed me it's not clear to you he's a bad news to the extent you had to start a thread here .
Red flags scream in your face. I said run for the hills after point 1

Hey deadsouls I've read your insightful posts before, you have so got this. Maybe your self-confidence needs to catch up with your mind but it will.

Until then, trust your sterling instincts and defer each response until you're sure your mind is in charge not the old people pleaser part of you still lurking in there (personal experience talking, postponing replies has been a saviour for me as a recovering rescuer!).

Nice one, don't doubt yourself

His fixation with sex would be enough to have me running for the hills!! You dodged a bullet for sure. I don't even think this guy sounds like he'd be a fun fling don't listen to a word he says.

I don't think instagram is a great place to get dates either tbh

This guy sounds like the last person who will realise what a complete arse he is. Look at the trail of destruction in his wake - and none of it will be his fault in his opinion. He will never find happiness of the sort most people seek so you should congratulate yourself on your good judgement. Worthwhile relationships take time to develop and anybody who needs to know so much information before even meeting you displays little idea of how to proceed.

You def did the right thing!
There are lots of nice, normal men out there, he sounds a weirdo! You were just unlucky to come across him the first time. Good luck for next time.

Totally agree with all you and others have said op. Online friendships are a different world for me. A good way to think about boundaries is "what would I say to my bestest friend in this position", how would I like someone I love to be spoken to like that. It can help with the people pleasing. Try out saying no to people for easy things. The brain muscle will get stronger for the important stuff.

You should've run a mile at point 1! He sounds like an absolute prat

Assertiveness course, or failing that a book would help I think. Courses are better, as they make you practice calmly saying no to stuff without apologising too much :-).

Update: my feelings have finally caught up with my mind and I'm like an absoulute twat and an a-hole.

Pmsl at the 'I'm asking for your vital stats because I'm a visual person and I was in reconnaissance in the army, and so I can build a 3-D of you'

Glad I'm seeing the funny side of it now. Thanks in part to all of you. Your comments helped me

I mean *what an absolute twat and A-hole'

He tried to do a number on you, and failed. His system has probably worked in the past, sadly.

for not getting sucked in.

I read to point 2.....bullet dodged!

He behaved awfully and made you feel terrible without even meeting you. You definitely did the right thing.

great to hear, Dead. Onwards and upwards! Your twat-dar is coming along very nicely indeed. (And being able to laugh at the twatishness of twats is a great skill to have and to nurture.)

deadsouls I have had many relationships with many, many losers, sleazes and deadbeats. All because I never learned to listen to my gut/intuition and never learned about boundaries.
I could kick myself for the amount of creeps I've slept with and publicly dated.
You did exactly the right thing. You trusted your instinct and backed off. Now you need to nurture that little warning voice inside you, listen to it, tune into it and soon it will become second nature to swerve these kinds of pondscum.
They prey on naive and vulnerable women. They bank on people being too nice to say no. Don't be too nice, you don't owe anyone anything. I only wish I'd learned this sooner. Better late than never!

I just have to add though, in defence of SLAA: not all people in slaa are there because of sexual depravity or obsession, the L is for love (L for love baby, L for love ) and many people are in slaa because they are vulnerable , many from abuaive childhoods and who keep repeating negative relationship patterns and are there to break these patterns.

That's good for them, but I would prefer, if I have a free choice, to date someone who is not currently working through those issues.