I didn't meet this man for coffee - I did the right thing didn't I?

[Deadsouls]

Hello,

I'm posting here to get feedback on this and as to whether I made a correct decision to not meet a man who asked me for coffee. What do the mumsnetters think?

I recently initiated contact by messaging a man whose feed i had been following on Instagram. He is a photographer and has a public profile. He was 'suggested' as we had a mutual contact. I am divorced and have been single for a few years. I wanted to try something new, take a risk and start dating, much as the thought fills me with anxiety. Talking to the man there were several things that stood out for me:

1. He goes to SLAA sex and love addicts anonymous. A 12 step fellowship as the name suggests.
2. He had 5 children by 4 different mothers. (This was openly visible on his Instagram, I asked him). The 2 youngest are 13 months apart from 2 different mothers. He said he fell in love with one whilst he was with the other (the baby must've been 3 months old), and got the new woman pregnant because she wanted a child. He is not with any of the mothers.
3. He was serially unfaithful in his marriage.
4. He talked quite a lot about the mutual woman we knew (I only knew as an acquaintance ), and said he'd been in a relationship with her. Then told me really personal stuff about her. He also told me a lot about himself, very personal stuff, though I wanted to know as was curious as to how he'd come to have so many children by different mothers. It stood out for me that he would divulge so much information to someone he didn't know. I revealed very little.
5. In the intial phone convo he asked me if I liked sex and I felt uncomfortable and told him.
6. He asked me my height, dress size and shoe size to get a 'visual'. I felt uncomfortable but he said as he'd been in the army and reconiassace that was the way he processed information.
7. Suggested we meet a couple of days after our phone convo which I felt was pretty speedy. I wish I hadn't agreed.
8. He asked how long I'd been separated, I said 4 years. And he said 'so you haven't had sex for 4 years'. I felt uncomfortable and didn't answer.

Anyway I started to feel very anxious about meeting him. It was supposed to be yesterday. And very uneasy. I couldn't shake off the feeling of uneasiness.but I thought it's just natural nerves, I'm also quite anxious in this situation, this is to be expected. Also that everyone has a past and I could be open minded. But I didn't really want to go in all honesty. But I couldn't seem to find the words to text and say I wasn't coming. I just hoped he wouldn't text.
So long story short, I didn't go. We had text communication that turned weird. He seemed annoyed that I was anxious about meeting, said he couldn't be around anxious people. Said I was displaying 'red flags'. Said the last person who'd acted like this around meeting up was the crazy insecure ex-girlfriend. He didn't have energy to reassure someone, it's just a coffee etc. Then said it'd be better if we didn't communicate, then blocked me on Instagram.
Really I didn't want to meet him. But I couldn't say it. But the things he wrote in the texts have left me feeling crap about myself. And as I said it's hard to know what was natural anxiety about meeting someone for the first time, or intuition that this guy was a womaniser and a player. Now feeling that I'm impaired in some way and that I can't even meet someone for a simple coffee. And his 'red flags' comment and comparing to me to the 'crazy ex' have really hurt me. It sounds silly as I don't know this man.
Thanks for reading if you have. I didn't mean it to be so long.

He sounds disgusting tbh and no way would he be the type to just want coffee dates.

The 'red flag' he was picking up from you was that you weren't going to be as much of an easy lay as he usually gets, therefore he can't be bothered making any effort.

The dirty dog will get what he needs elsewhere, no doubt from some vulnerable woman who'll allow herself to spawn another child of his.

You absolutely 100% have dodged a bullet, this man is not for you

Dead - high five! You say you have boundary issues and have had problems with picking up on red flags before, but presumably you've been working on that, so congratulations, because your twat-dar was functioning impeccably on this occasion. Don't beat yourself up about residual feelings of guilt. Rome wasn't built in a day. Yes, you have those feelings, but you also realise on some level they are irrational. Well done - work in progress, but progressing well I'd say.

I suggest adopting Trills comment upthread as a mantra: "You don't owe them anything. Not a message, not a phone call, not a meeting." Repeat that to yourself whenever you feel uncertain. And although on the whole I personally subscribe to the "meet early" school of thought for my own interactions, in your case I think your slow approach is spot-on: you have issues around boundaries, and face-to-face meetings can put you on the defensive and make it hard to defend those boundaries while under pressure - so I think your current approach of "assess by text/IM/email" gives you time and space to assess the red flags and is right for you.

But definitely bullet dodged.

He was very manipulative! Telling you that he didn't have the time to reassure you if you felt anxious, about meeting a creepy stranger!

And he blocked you because you were picking up on HIS red flags and he can move on to more easily manipulated women who will meet him against their better judgement to prove that they're not suspicious or insecure or still hung up on their ex, or man haters............ or whatever he insinuates is a weakness of theirs that he will back away from. he sounds like a MASTER MANIPULATOR

I suppose I mean like a charmer, knows what to say to women, probably really personable, interesting to talk to and so on

He sounds like he has issues he needs to work through first before entering a relationship. I wouldn't of met up with him.

blacksax
You DD sounds very wise!

OP you have done brilliantly. Good for you! Honestly, best thing is to add it to the 'fuck that' list.

So you didnt get there first with the blocking. Put that down to your good manners and remember to take the blocking as a compliment!

Getting back out there is a journey....wrong turns are to be expected when you're still not sure where you are going.

My twat radar is still shite therefore I've decided to give OLD a break.
My boundaries are hopelessly intertwined with people pleasing....

Consensus: I DODGED A BULLET!

Phew....

I love term 'twat-dar'

MeMeMe what do you mean by blocking is a compliment? I've never looked at it that way before.
Agree, this experience has shown me that my boundaries are entwined with people pleasing
thanks for the encouragement all, and yes sigh of relief. There is no way I'm ever putting myself in that position, (with a womaniser), again

Deadsouls, none of that sounds charming to me.

It all sounds so unattractive. Everything you list numerically which he revealed to you over a couple of short days, it all sounds like a list of MASSIVE turn offs to me.

You did the right thing, but might have been a bit slow on the uptake!! There were loads of reasons to not continue all the time! You gave him the benefit of the doubt! You should not have!

yes in this case I"d see that blocking as a compliment. Your boundaries need to be higher, but you had a higher boundary than he anticipated, or was convenient for him, so you weren't the puppet he thought. That irritated him.

oldergolder I have been left with an icky feeling. Which confirms that actually it was all pretty murky and nasty. I'm quite certain that he left all the women he was involved with. The mothers.
And yes, this is all learning. I think my boundaries and standards need to be a lot higher

mammaTJ
Absolutely I should've said NO! instead of just hoping he wouldn't text.

It's a really good thing that you feel icky, right now. This is growth. It's like having a blind spot that could make you attractive to users and abusers suddenly forced right in to your field of vision for analysis.

Don't feel 'ick'

Feel 'eureka'

We all have our weaknesses. Mine is men who are supportive, emotionally aware, emotionally literate, stimulating, in touch with their feminine side etc etc but who will not commit. A relationship with a man like this a while ago has really opened my eyes so wide.

Sounds like he constantly pushed at boundaries, asking things which were too personal too quickly, and all the 'red flag' stuff is really him being rather arrogant and appraising you - rather than wondering at all if he has been rude or insensitive and caused a problem.
Really there is very little about him that sounds appealing! And as you say, everything about his past actions suggest he is a player.

Please don't agonise over whether you were overly anxious - your instincts were spot on - anyone nice would be happy to wait to meet up until you felt ready. When you meet someone who suits you, you won't feel nearly so much anxiety, and things will flow naturally.

Besides, if he's any sort of a dad, he won't have any free time between spending time with all those kids!

REad ''Nice Girl Syndrome'' by Beverly Engel. I read it and I understand why I ended up with such takers and users now.

Maybe a list of non-negotiable boundaries might be a useful exercise.

Mine would start something like this:

Must be respectful of me and my boundaries.
Must speak respectfully of his exes.
Must act respectfully towards other people (the "waiting staff" test).

And I like the let-down phrase I've seen suggested a few times on here - "I'm sorry, this just isn't working for me." Always remember the only reason for being in a relationship with someone is that you want to be in it. Their wants alone are not sufficient reason. (My mum always used to say "getting into a relationship is one time you're allowed to be completely selfish", by which I think she meant that if you're not getting anything out of it, why would you bother?)

Hi op...what golden said (I think)
He realised you had seen through him and reacted.
I would say it's because he felt he wasn't going to be able to manipulate you.

I'm sorry for the confusion I caused. Definitely not what I wanted to do.... it's raw for you and I think the compliment thing may become clearer over time.
Head high. Keep it there

He's more experienced at manipulating vulnerable women than you are at repelling manipulative men.
But you have repelled him. He may have a go at testing your defences but so far you've only suffered surface damage :)

This guy sounds like an egotistical, narcissistic, arrogant prick. Always follow your gut. Sounds like he's used to freaking people out, I can't imagine why........

A serially unfaithful, womanising, irresponsible, flaky, sex obsessed, boundary tramping 'charmer'; who's collecting enough baby- mommas to start a football team .... am I missing something?

You're displaying red flags? Well there's a prime piece of irony.

Oh and I almost rofl'd at his 'reconnaisance/army/way mind works' excuse for (again) boundary tramping, being superficial & sleazy asking about your stats - should have replied ... well what size is your dick; I like dress-making and am used to measuring things in inches, it's just the way my mind works.

(Army - no offense to all you mn'ers with decent army/ex-army partner .. but that's usually a red flag for me too).

M'dear you didn't dodge a bullet; you dodged a exocet missile.
Just the thought of the std's he could've given you ... uugh.

what size is your dick; I like dress-making and am used to measuring things in inches, it's just the way my mind works

Yep, avoid avoid avoid!