Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

newish relation shop - mood swings

129 replies

cocoface · 07/09/2017 08:35

I'm dating a guy that I knew from years ago - friend of a friend. He can be totally lovely etc but can go into tempers where he literally will say the most horrible things.

The most recent being we had a night out and after going back to mine and having z few more drinks we crashed out. He left his phone downstairs and the alarm goes off this morning. I woke him to tell him and he is like another person. He told me I was selfish inconsidebate and needy. That just because I'm up etc that I don't need to talk. In facthe - so he tells me - I need company all the time he can't have a cigarette etc but I'm beside him. I honestly don't feel I've done anything wrong but more than once he as been awful to me. Shouting and nasty.

He has told me he won't be back to see me and if I want him to phone
I'm so so upset - he says he loves me and then.this 😢.

OP posts:
Original poster
cocoface · 08/09/2017 06:01

Plus he wants to know what he can do to stop me throwing this away - he has also said that he won't be chasing after me! - that if i leave then that's OK. That's my choice. He hung up the phone when I was ending things and I called back and said I'm trying to be mature and sort out retrieving my stuff etc! - he said he was upset which is why he didn't continue the call.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 08/09/2017 06:08

You've made the right decision

I think try to either get a friend or family to go get your stuff or go when he's not there if possible. Once you have it then you need to block him on your phone.

Kittymum03 · 08/09/2017 06:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
cocoface · 08/09/2017 06:15

Yes I'm going to get my stuff soon
He lives im a different country but u can drive to it if u see what i mean. I'll get him to meet me somewhere public with my stuff and give him his keys back etc. I'm. So annoyed with myself for doubting myself - for wondering if he is right! - that I am I secure and annoying. Apparently I ask.him 4 times in a row if he wants coffee - I actually don't even.notice as I'm always running arounder bit surely there was a better way of telling me I was irritating him.

OP posts:
Nellyphants · 08/09/2017 06:20

Please don't call him back. Hanging up the phone when you were ending things is classic push pull. He's an abusive arse & he's not even good at it.

You knew I was in bad form - so you're supposed to monitor his moods? Walk on eggshells?

Fuck him. Ignore now. Get out for a long walk this weekend both days if you can.

You're great for recognising this. You'll be better than fine.

Original poster
cocoface · 08/09/2017 06:21

The alarm was in a different room - it woke me and I woke him to ask did he need to be somewhere. - I've said I was selfish as I woke him up sometimes as I was awake - only ever once though and we had sex so he participated in being woken up. He said if he wanted his phone and needed to be up he would take it with him! - that when I saw her was in bad form that I should leave him be - that he was hungover etc!. He claims now he was so sorry to upset me etc but I don't believe him!

OP posts:
Original poster
cocoface · 08/09/2017 06:21

*he said I was selfish - not I've said

OP posts:
Kittymum03 · 08/09/2017 06:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LEMtheoriginal · 08/09/2017 06:25

Dont engage any further. Take a friend to retrieve your stuff. Keep it formal and polite but expect him to be abusive

Kittymum03 · 08/09/2017 06:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsGameandWatching · 08/09/2017 06:27

This is the real him and had you accepted it, this is how your life would be now with you nervous and him using you to take his frustrations out on. I'd bet a lot of money that this is how he acts in all his relationships. Many people don't end relationships when they've seen this from someone because it's confusing when the person has been so nice before, so they think it must be them at fault and so they try harder to get things back to how they were. You ending it will be quite the shock to him and I suppose he might try to get another chance and work really hard to win you round. In a couple of months though you'd be here again as he will subconsciously be trying to get the relationship into the pattern/dynamic he feels comfortable with ie one of high conflict with you being the receptacle for all blame when things don't go quite right.

Decsbetterhalf · 08/09/2017 06:29

Run. I had someone like this, was the most miserable years of my life

Original poster
cocoface · 08/09/2017 06:33

I'm. Going to leave collecting my stuff for a few weeks until I'm stronger - more able to rebuff him.

I was so good to him though. I'm good to everyone which he gave out about as he said it exhausted me and i need to put myself first. I'm the sort of person who is very giving though and I don't want to change. He doesn't like me as a person. Though he has benefited hugely from it in a lot of ways. He tells me of course he likes me he loves me! - he us sorry for being an arse and upsetting me etc but I'm too.hurt by him.

I feel awful.in myself tbh and so angry with myself also. Why can't I toughen up?.😢

OP posts:
Stellato · 08/09/2017 06:38

It's not your fault OP. Some people are just twats.

Chalk it up to experience. All of these life lessons help to improve your boundaries. I certainly had lots of dodgy relationships before I met DH!

Nellyphants · 08/09/2017 06:40

Tbh I think you should get your stuff asap. Leaving it a few weeks prolongs the agony. In a few weeks the sharp hurt will have receded & you could be taken in by his sweet talking.

Original poster
cocoface · 08/09/2017 06:43

I presently don't feel strong enough to.feel him. Hence me waiting until I'm. Stronger. There would be more chance of him.talking me around now when I'm Vulnerable I think than in a few weeks when I've had time to boyster myself up a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
cocoface · 08/09/2017 06:46

*strong enough to meet him

OP posts:
Kittymum03 · 08/09/2017 06:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

disappearingninepatch · 08/09/2017 06:54

Well done, Coco. He misjudged you, didn't he? Thought he could abuse you and threaten to end the relationship, but you didn't fall for his shit. It would only have got worse.

Original poster
cocoface · 08/09/2017 07:02

Im going with my gut on things now regarding him. It's telling me to keep my distance for the time being. I need to build myself up before I face him or I'll crumple. I appreciate so much all ur support

OP posts:
SoggyTuesday · 08/09/2017 07:17

The phone situation is totally his fault. He left his alarm set, left phone out of reach. You thought that you were doing the right thing in telling him his alarm had gone off. His response was way OTT. Imagine what he would be like if a child had disturbed him?

Don't say anything this morning, just get him gone and send him a message? I wouldn't normally suggest messaging but he seems quite volatile.

Nellyphants · 08/09/2017 07:18

Ok I realise I could be talking about myself & not you!

You don't have to 'face him'. He's not for you. You're not suited. You're giving him too much power.

Get somebody else to get your stuff. Or drive someone else to near his home, let them get your stuff. Draw a line & move on.

Original poster
cocoface · 08/09/2017 07:32

I won't ask anyone to face him for me - ill do that myself if only to prove to myself I can. But I'll do it when I'm stronger and able to face him showing that strength. It's sad it's come to this tbh 😢

OP posts:
Kittymum03 · 08/09/2017 07:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AdalindSchade · 08/09/2017 07:58

If he had needed to get up and you hadn't woken him you would still have been in the wrong, you know that right?

You say you're good to everyone - google 'compulsive care giving' and 'codependency' and see if they ring any bells with you. Being good to everyone isn't really a good quality to have.