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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

newish relation shop - mood swings

129 replies

cocoface · 07/09/2017 08:35

I'm dating a guy that I knew from years ago - friend of a friend. He can be totally lovely etc but can go into tempers where he literally will say the most horrible things.

The most recent being we had a night out and after going back to mine and having z few more drinks we crashed out. He left his phone downstairs and the alarm goes off this morning. I woke him to tell him and he is like another person. He told me I was selfish inconsidebate and needy. That just because I'm up etc that I don't need to talk. In facthe - so he tells me - I need company all the time he can't have a cigarette etc but I'm beside him. I honestly don't feel I've done anything wrong but more than once he as been awful to me. Shouting and nasty.

He has told me he won't be back to see me and if I want him to phone
I'm so so upset - he says he loves me and then.this 😢.

OP posts:
tccat · 07/09/2017 10:57

If you keep seeing him you are setting the bar for how he treats you, take responsibility for your own happiness, kick the arse out and have nothing to do with him
Trust me this will only get worse and by accepting it you are telling him that it's ok to treat you like this
It's not ok and you have done nothing wrong , this is his fault his doing but you have to take charge now and not set yourself up for a lifetime of misery and abuse

Original poster
cocoface · 07/09/2017 11:40

I bottled it. I left and went to my mums but woke him before I went and told him I was off and to let himself out. He just said 'ok'. We were supposed to be going for breakfast etc. Radio silence now and I have a sick feeling in my stomach 😦. I'm so spineless! 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
cocoface · 07/09/2017 11:52

I have clothes etc at his place - he lives an hour away from.me so it was easier to leave stuff there. How do I get that back? . I feel like a fool tbh 😡

OP posts:
tccat · 07/09/2017 12:01

Do you really need them back, could you just write them off? Delete and block, you probably feel like talking to him, getting an explanation etc but it's just not worth it
If you need them back then text to arrange to get them and take a friend

ChickenBhuna · 07/09/2017 12:07

You are not spineless! He treated you horribly and you had no desire to breathe the same air as him. Totally normal.

Regarding the stuff , can you arrange to go round and pick it up with the mutual friend or another mate , one that has your back and won't let you be abused or bullied.

Or if it's just material possessions to be replaced I'd be tempted to let it go and replace them myself. He sounds like the type to hold this weekend away over you in order to cause trouble - basically op , what's higher in value? Your half of the break or the stuff you've left at his place? If it's the former I'd be tempted to leave it , especially if it's just jeans , tops and some toiletries.

Original poster
cocoface · 07/09/2017 12:07

I actually don't want to talk to him - expensive coat etc in his house that i just wear for special occasions so would be costly to write off. I feel physically sick with anxiety 😢

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 07/09/2017 12:09

Just worry about you.

The break is inconsequential, he'll take someone else.

ChickenBhuna · 07/09/2017 12:13

If the coat means that much to you then try to arrange via text to collect it , with a friend of course. The reason I asked if you could replace those things is because that's what I had to do when I left an abusive ex , it was a much longer relationship and I lost lots but it was worth it to be rid of him.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/09/2017 12:15

Wow - sit down - deep breaths.
This guy is not worth all of this.
It's a new relationship and he's shown his true colours very early on.
Please learn from this.
The very 1st time someone is vile towards you - run - dump - block - ignore - delete.
Please raise your relationship bar.
This is not OK.
It is abuse and you should have spotted it and ending things much earlier.
Be glad he's going.
Ask for your things back.
If he won't give them back then you'll have to write them off.
I'm afraid though that he will try to 'hoover' you back in.
He doesn't want to lose his punch bag 'victim'
Do NOT be his victim any longer.
And please do the Womens Aid Freedom Programme.
FAST!!!

Original poster
cocoface · 07/09/2017 13:55

I can't stop crying 😢

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 07/09/2017 14:00

Collect your coat after work. Then dump him by text once you are safely home. That's what I'd do. He is NOT worth your tears.

Original poster
cocoface · 07/09/2017 14:03

He lives an hour away so I'll have to arrange to go when he is there to let me in.

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 07/09/2017 14:16

Could you say that a friend wants to borrow your posh coat, so you'll pop in tonight to collect it? Say it will be a flying visit, as your Mum/friend/other, is coming for dinner tonight. Even better if you could go tomorrow when he's at work, asking him to leave a key out for you. That way you'd not even have to see him, and could collect all your stuff without arousing suspicion. You could also dump his stuff, and he'd only see that you'd done that once he got home.

Many moons ago, I'd been dating a guy, who dropped the bombshell that he was moving abroad for work, and he'd known this for months! I couldn't face seeing him, so I posted all his stuff back to him, which included a designer suit. It was worth paying the postage, just not to have to see him face to face.

Mustang27 · 07/09/2017 14:44

Do you have any friends that could come with you and be mediator? Incase he tries to. Illy or manipulate you again.

It's really ok to be sad and to cry, it's a perfectly normal way to feel.

differentlife · 07/09/2017 15:10

He booked and paid for a weekend away in November for us both - romantic city break - do I offer him the money for my half?

Fucking hell woman - do you have DOORMAT tattooed on your forehead?

No - you don't owe him a penny. He'll probably take someone else in your place.

Wave goodbye to your clothes, doubt you'll get them back.

Consider any financial loss well worth it, to be rid of an aggressive, abusive cunt like this one.

Then get help to figure out why you PERMIT yourself to be treated this badly.

Original poster
cocoface · 07/09/2017 16:33

I don't have doormat on my head - if I did I would have stayed this morning. I just wanted a hand hold from u all.

OP posts:
NarcsBegone · 07/09/2017 23:42

Leave the coat it will just drag you back in again. There's always this whole to do about stuff that's left or needs dropping off or whatever and it's all really just a last connection and reason to see each other.
You were wise and brave to leave today when you did you were obviously really upset by it all so try not to let yourself be in that position with him again and if you find that you are remember that you can leave, you don't have to put up with being treated like this and for now at least you are hopefully able to to do that whereas if you stick at a 'relationship' like this you may not feel able to in the future.

Original poster
cocoface · 07/09/2017 23:59

I don't feel wise or brave I feel ravaged if I'm honest. I called him earlier andel ended things properly. He tried to apologise and asked me not to end things. I honestly can't talk to him without crying😢

OP posts:
MorgaineLeFay · 08/09/2017 00:05

Oh darling it's not you, it's him. He's an abusive arse hole and it's not a bad thing to find out now, before you are more involved with him. Have a good cry, then get angry that he DARE treat you like that! You deserve better. If a man ever speaks to you like dirt or makes you feel like he has he is a monumental loser and you can do far better. Have high standards and settle for nothing less than someone who adores you and treats you wonderfully. Big hugs, chin up.

Original poster
cocoface · 08/09/2017 03:27

Thanks for all ur messages. The things he said are going great around in my head - that I'm needy and irritating etc. This from a man who claims to love me. It's not right and I'm not accepting it. Apparently he couldn't move without me beside him etc and I caused the argument yesterday not him etc but he loves me and wants me. That it was just a row etc - it wasn't though. It was abusive and I told him that. It's getting it out of my head - ie all the horrible things he said - and not believing them. Plus not crying would be good 😢

OP posts:
Mustang27 · 08/09/2017 04:42

You will get there, be kind to yourself. Take some time to find out what you want and build on your confidence so that nobody can make you this raw and vulnerable again.

hesterton · 08/09/2017 05:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

newdaylight · 08/09/2017 05:06

Get your mum to pick up your stuff?
Then you won't have to see him.

Kittymum03 · 08/09/2017 05:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
cocoface · 08/09/2017 05:56

He keeps asking what can.be done to.fix it. But u can't make a person respect u. He seems to.move from blaming me to trying to trivialise it. It's my fault as he was hungover and I wouldn't let him sleep. If I knew he was in bad form why did I not just leave him alone! . - ita classic abuse - no responsibility and victim blaming.

OP posts: