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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

newish relation shop - mood swings

129 replies

cocoface · 07/09/2017 08:35

I'm dating a guy that I knew from years ago - friend of a friend. He can be totally lovely etc but can go into tempers where he literally will say the most horrible things.

The most recent being we had a night out and after going back to mine and having z few more drinks we crashed out. He left his phone downstairs and the alarm goes off this morning. I woke him to tell him and he is like another person. He told me I was selfish inconsidebate and needy. That just because I'm up etc that I don't need to talk. In facthe - so he tells me - I need company all the time he can't have a cigarette etc but I'm beside him. I honestly don't feel I've done anything wrong but more than once he as been awful to me. Shouting and nasty.

He has told me he won't be back to see me and if I want him to phone
I'm so so upset - he says he loves me and then.this 😢.

OP posts:
Boatmistress17 · 07/09/2017 09:03

Offer him the way out the door and naff all else. Block his number. Delete. And look up 'love' in a dictionary. . It doesn't mean anything to do with his behaviour. .

Patchouli666 · 07/09/2017 09:07

Just be distant, say "you need to go, I won't get over being spoken to like you have spoken to me". Wake him up tell him to go...too much to drink to drive yet...tell him to kip in the car till he's ok to drive but you won't have him in your house any longer.

You are not in the wrong here. This is all his fault. In any (brief) words you a have with him, do not say I'm sorry at the end of anything. Eg. " You need to go, I'm sorry". You do not need to be sorry and don't say it as he'll read into it as you mean sorry not as a way of filling words into the sentence. Be to the point.

ChickenBhuna · 07/09/2017 09:08

It depends op. Do you feel safe enough to tell him to sod off to his face or would you rather quietly get him out of your home and tell him he's dumped from a distance?

Both are fine as this is about what you need.

NarcsBegone · 07/09/2017 09:09

He won't just go, he has created all this to unsettle you and is eating away at your confidence. There's every chance he will be fine when he wakes. The 'he won't be back to see you so if you want him to call him' is full of manipulation and the 'if he was with anyone else he would have left them by now' is just terrible and it's like saying you're so awful to me but I'm doing you a favour by staying with you when in actual fact he is the awful one, this is exactly what my ex was like! The drinking is a big problem (as it was with my ex) (is his name Dave?) OP you're feeling low right now but please please believe believe everyone on here when they say this is bad news. You don't have to wait for him to decide it's over, you get to decide and if you stay with someone like this it's very likely that the entire rest of your relationship will be exactly like the past 24hrs on repeat.

NarcsBegone · 07/09/2017 09:11

Sorry I meant he won't go as in volunteering to leave the relationship.

Patchouli666 · 07/09/2017 09:13

Offer him no fucking money. If he'd behaved reasonably you'd still be going

backintown · 07/09/2017 09:15

Run.

Oh & yes offer him half the money or see if he can cancel & pay half of whatever it costs (although that may mean more contact, so maybe not!).

Also don't fall for any of the bulshot when he is being the charming version of him - remember you've seen behind the mask now..

thereallochnessmonster · 07/09/2017 09:17

I do not understand what happened or how it got to this

backintown · 07/09/2017 09:17

'Bulshot'!? Bullshit, obviously (also watch out for gaslighting!)

thereallochnessmonster · 07/09/2017 09:21

Sorry - posted too soon.

I do not understand what happened or how it got to this

You don't walways understand other people's motivations. Doesn't matter.

He booked and paid for a weekend away in November for us both - romantic city break - do I offer him the money for my half?

No. He can go by himself or take someone else. His behaviour has led to this so he can deal with it.

Agree with everyone lese on here - emotionally abusive nasty bellend. He's showing you just who he is.

Wake him up, get him out of your house, block him, move on.

backintown · 07/09/2017 09:31

Fair point from people suggesting not to offer him money - I was thinking about it from the point of view of a clean break & being able to walk away with no further contact needed. But maybe just do the run bit & let him deal with the consequences of his actions!

peanut2017 · 07/09/2017 09:33

Run away as fast as you can before you get in any deeper. He is playing mind games to mess with your head and emotions. That's what people do who are emotional abusers - they blow hot and cold and you don't know where you stand. You don't deserve to be treated like this

OliviaStabler · 07/09/2017 09:38

Let him wake up and leave then text to say it is over and to lose your number. Normally I hate the 'text break up' thing but as he has a bad temper, best to be on the safe side.

Goid luck Flowers

ChopinLisztFinder · 07/09/2017 09:38

He has been horrible to you, and you're blaming yourself?

He can disagree with how you go about things, but that doesn't give him the right to be nasty. If he thinks so little of you, why is he even dating you?

The answer is that he's being horrible to test if you'll stay. If you stay, there'll be more of the same as he knows he can get away with it. He's manipulating you into someone he can control. He's already verbally abusing you.

Run. Run away. He has more red flags than a communist rally.

BillericayDuckie · 07/09/2017 09:54

This sounds like my ex. He was lovely and charming to start with, then out of the blue would lose it over something I had supposedly done / not done, say horrible things and that he wanted to finish the relationship. Then next day be all charming again and tell me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me etc etc.

And so it went on. It never got better. I stayed far longer than I should.

A year since the relationship finished I'm only just feeling better about myself, as my confidence was in tatters. I now recognise him as the abusive controlling twat he is and wish his new fiancée all the luck in the world. She will need it.

Mustang27 · 07/09/2017 10:08

When he gets up tell him in no uncertain terms to "fuck off" permanently.

Mustang27 · 07/09/2017 10:09

Oh and do not offer him a penny for that break!

PickAChew · 07/09/2017 10:10

Bin him.

IHeartDodo · 07/09/2017 10:12

Just because he thinks you're "needy", doesn't mean you are! - it's a completely subjective thing!
There's another guy out there who would find you affectionate and caring!
This one sounds terrible!

PickAChew · 07/09/2017 10:14

And he'll find someone else to take for that break, so don't offer him anything for it.

Remember, life is too short for this shit.

Shoxfordian · 07/09/2017 10:15

Hope he's gone now?

Agree with all the others; don't put up with this and break up with him.

AnyFucker · 07/09/2017 10:17

He is a dick, that's how it "got to this"

Show him the door and don't be swayed by false apologies

Sassypants82 · 07/09/2017 10:23

Read this carefully... This is your chance to RUN for the hills & avoid a whole lot of abusive shit.

How fucking dare he?!

Let him go, block him & thank the universe you dodged a bullet.

Deedee0208 · 07/09/2017 10:37

It's likely to wake up and expect you to beg him to stay, I've been in this situation and believe me it will get worse, he didn't show his true colours till much later then yours, ignore him when he wakes up and hopefully he will just leave but he will expect you to call him, be strong and ignore

ImSoUnoriginal · 07/09/2017 10:49

You are fine OP. I suspect you are not needy but he's just a controlling bully. Drink often brings that out in people.
I have spent 6.5 yrs with someone I consider to be quite bossy and who likes to be in control. I should have read the warning signs.
As soon as he leaves the house, cut contact and have nothing more to do with him. I'm sure he can be quite charming but the bullying will get worse.
As others have said, don't give him a penny for the holiday. It's not your problem. Brew