How much me time?

[startravels]

My DH and I are currently arguing about the amount of "me time" we get.

We have a 2 year old DS and I'm 20 weeks pregnant with our DD.

He is complaining that he "never" gets to go out and that if the children are asleep I should be ok with looking after them as I don't want to go out anyway.

I get annoyed that the expectation is that I should be the one to stay home while he is off out. I admit I've had very bad morning sickness and that's made me not much fun to be around, and being pregnant I can't drink so am less inclined to want to go to the pub. But I still don't see why I should be considered default childcare ALL the time.

I feel like that it's normal to have less "me time" while the children are young and it worries me that we will have a second baby soon and he's expecting all this time out of the house instead of helping me.

He says he doesn't know how much "me" time he wants yet. But he wants at least one evening out a week and a morning at the weekend, followed by a full weekend day the next weekend. He also wants to be able to exercise/run multiple times a week and see a personal trainer, which isn't included in this "me" time as it's for health reasons - even though I'd still need to provide the childcare for this to take place.

I think if we didn't have two young children this would be okay. But we will have two young children so I think he has to give up some of this. AIBU?

How much free time to yourselves without the children do you and your DHs get?

You should both have equal 'me' time.

He's taking the piss
One social thing a week is a lot when you have small kids and he's demanding 2-3? Plus several hours for exercise? He needs to adjust his expectations. Small children change things.

He's taking the piss! A guaranteed full weekend day every other weekend?? We go out whenever we like, nobody ever says to anybody 'you can't go' but then we're reasonable with what we ask for. What he's asking for is not reasonable!

Tell him to grow up and sort his shit out.
Me time he's got a few years of juggling a family and normal life before it gets easy enough to have a bit more time out for the adults.
My youngest is 7 middle one 12 and eldest 19 and we had a meal out alone last weekend and a planned social event the weekend before but that's the first time since beginning of July we've had ANY time out.

Juggling work a home and a family isn't always easy and it's hard to make time for yourself. Ours spend the evenings up and down the bloody stairs aswell so it's not like an evening free either.
As their needs change the routine will change.
I agree everyone's entitled to time out but him giving you a list of days and times he's expecting is really unrealistic and bloody selfish if you ask me.
Tell him to jog on op

I don't think one eve, one weekend morning, a couple of exercise session a week is too bad. You could both have that.
The whole day on the weekend and multiple exercise sessions (how long is he out for?) is unfair to you.

Tell him sure, but you get exactly the same (and take every minute of it), and see how long he keeps it up! Won't last the second week.

Fuck that.
If he gets that then you should get that too!

Is he proposing to give you a morning off and then a day off every other weekend? Are you going to be allowed to go to the gym a couple of times a week on top? Any evenings off for you? Because after he's been to work and had his time off from his family there's not much time off for you or time to spend all together, is there?

I think you might have yourself a man-child there.

Tell him the ideal way to get his desired life is EOW contact schedule.

Tell him sure, but you get exactly the same (and take every minute of it), and see how long he keeps it up! Won't last the second week.

This!

We has a similar discussion in our house too. Dh wants to run and train for a big event so that has to be done in his 'me time'. Whether he is exercising or not it still is time away from the family. He will fit a lot of training around his work commute or lunch time or early morning and be back in time to help with kids if weekend. We have agreed that once a month we will both have a day at weekend to ourselves. Whatever he gets, I get and vice versa. Otherwise I would only resent him doing whatever he pleases and feel stuck at home with the kids.
Surely your DP realises that when your baby arrives though everything else must go on hold for a few weeks/months at least though?

He's taking the piss. It's not unusual- OH and I nearly split up over similar disagreements. (If I'd had the energy I think I would have - glad I didn't though!).

Try to forge some 'you' time. When I was pregnant with a little one my time was swimming. I aimed for 3 times a week, usually managed 2. Just do something, anything, to get you out, leaving him to deal with your 20 mo.

What JWrecks said!

I don't think he's being unreasonable. The problem is you don't seem to want the same amount of me time.
That's not his fault.

As others have said it's only reasonable of him to have this if he is also happy to be default childcare for your social life/excersise regime. And if you get to all spend time as a family often enough of course. I think compromise is key here , as long as he can meet your half way I'm sure you'll all be fine.

It takes two to make children it takes two to look after them, tell him not to be so selfish . Enjoy them while they are young they soon grow up. He needs to wake up to his responsibilities. Good luck

You haven't said whether he is happy to support you getting the same amount of 'me time'. If he is and you choose not to taken it because you like doing things as a family then you are being unfair. If however he expects all the time but say's he is isn't free to do childcare whilst you go out then he us being a dick and a user.

If they both have the same amount of 'me time' they will never spend any time together with the children or without them
There aren't abough hours in the day for that much me time each plus being a family

He should be counting his blessings if he gets to use the loo in peace.

Nobody has that much me time if they work full time and have kids ds. Imagine if you both did that - the king ds would never see you guys together.

I don't really mind what DH does once the kids are in bed as long as it doesn't clash with my nights out. So from 8pm or so all bets are off and it doesn't really count as doig childcare in the same way.

A full weekend day off every other weekend is extremely unreasonable (although I wouldn't mind it on an ad hoc basis if there's actually something on, not to be set in stone though) and certainly exercise should be built in to "me time" IMO. Can he not go out for his "half day" during DS's naptime on a Sunday for example, and alternate lie ins with you at the weekends?

If he (and therefore you) gets one and a half weekend days off a fortnight, that means out of 4 weekend days, you only spend one whole day together as a family.
Is that acceptable?

Tell him the ideal way to get his desired life is EOW contact schedule.

Absolutely. And this is the nub of it. You're a family now. Yes, one of you may want to go out and have a drink with friends etc - but that now has a direct impact on another adult. And, as your children get older, on them to the extent that it means you don't do things together as a family. So should you both be able to have a reasonable amount of (reasonably equal) time to plan your own things? Of course. But half the weekend? Planned just for the purposes of being away from the kids rather than to do something specific? He needs to grow up...

Hi,

I am the DH of StarTravels.

I would just like to clarify what I have asked for:

• a night a week that I can do something that I want.
• a morning/afternoon at a weekend that I can do something I want.

It would also be nice from time to time for the morning/afternoon at weekend to become a day, as it might be difficult to do some things during just a morning/afternoon.

I would 100% expect to give the same back to StarTravels. However, the problem is that StarTravels does not want the same; It's therefore never ever possible for me to return the favour.

I almost never exercise, but would like to start seeing a PT for an hour a week and maybe getting a couple of short runs in too. I could do some of this exercise in the morning/lunchtimes as appropriate so that StarTravels is not impacted.

In any case, these asks are MAXIMUMS i.e. I know that if I want to go out one evening it would be acceptable without an argument. There may be many weeks where I don't go out at all.

If I am being unreasonable, then happy to talk about it here.

Thanks,

DH

My view is the same
Have you read the responses?

Well ask her what she would like.. a toddler and baby is knackering so maybe she'll want you around for all weekends for the rest of the pregnancy and for the first few months with new baby. She'll need to nap with the baby, so you could take the older one out.

I haven't had an entire weekend day for years. This may be asking a bit much. Family time at the weekend is tiring, sometimes wearing, but valuable. What do you plan to do for the rest of the weekend? Maybe plan stuff together: park trip where you can have a 20 minute run.