How much me time?

[startravels]

My DH and I are currently arguing about the amount of "me time" we get.

We have a 2 year old DS and I'm 20 weeks pregnant with our DD.

He is complaining that he "never" gets to go out and that if the children are asleep I should be ok with looking after them as I don't want to go out anyway.

I get annoyed that the expectation is that I should be the one to stay home while he is off out. I admit I've had very bad morning sickness and that's made me not much fun to be around, and being pregnant I can't drink so am less inclined to want to go to the pub. But I still don't see why I should be considered default childcare ALL the time.

I feel like that it's normal to have less "me time" while the children are young and it worries me that we will have a second baby soon and he's expecting all this time out of the house instead of helping me.

He says he doesn't know how much "me" time he wants yet. But he wants at least one evening out a week and a morning at the weekend, followed by a full weekend day the next weekend. He also wants to be able to exercise/run multiple times a week and see a personal trainer, which isn't included in this "me" time as it's for health reasons - even though I'd still need to provide the childcare for this to take place.

I think if we didn't have two young children this would be okay. But we will have two young children so I think he has to give up some of this. AIBU?

How much free time to yourselves without the children do you and your DHs get?

Personally, once our son is in bed I'm pretty relaxed about what my husband does in the eve - and vice versa. I would raise an eye if he was going out every night but evening time is free time as far as I'm concerned. The only reason I feel this way is because our son sleeps right through.

However - if you have children who wake frequently (obviously this will be the case with a newborn!) then no, what he's suggesting is not ok at all. Never mind all of the days/weekends he expects too.

What happened to you spending time as a family? I'm all for a bit of alone time, but he seems to want to spend more time alone than he does with you.

If that's how much 'me time' he wants, he must give you the same. Fair is fair. It is irrelevant what you choose to do with this time. Stand your ground or you will soon become default for all the sh*** jobs while he is out enjoying himself. It will do wonders for your relationship in the long term if you claim the respect you deserve. He will respect you the more for it.

Also, leave your DH on his own with the two young children for sizeable amounts of time once the baby is here, then he will find a whole new appreciation of what your day is like and what exactly you do for everybody.

Men are a lot more assertive in what they want and expect it, while us women and mothers too often put ourselves last after everybody else. Do not fall into that trap. It will be hard to get out. It will catch up with you, too. Often things fall into a pattern when the kids are small and the mother is breastfeeding, so needs to be close to the baby etc. But it doesn't change after that stage is over. Watch out for that. Adopt a long-term view. Would you be happy to be stuck in the house for years to come while your DH has a fulfilling life outside with hobbies, sports etc?

Just read OP's DH's post. I stand by my words. The fact that your wife 'doesn't want' to take the time off has no relevance. If she wants to plop herself on the sofa for the night or spend time reading a book in quiet, or indeed do nothing at all, so be it. She IS NOT having the kids during those times, she does not get interrupted every other minute by a toddler, she can sit down and have her cup of tea in peace. It is HER time and hers only.

I think you need to compromise and reach a deal which is fair for either of you. As it stands your wife is not getting a fair deal and she is aware of it.

Seeing this thread come up again .... since commenting I've found I'm pregnant. Dh has mentally cancelled nearly all plans for the next few months to be a full time single parent as we are assuming I will be as ill as last time. If he were like your dh it'd be a divorce not a second child though.