How much me time?

[startravels]

My DH and I are currently arguing about the amount of "me time" we get.

We have a 2 year old DS and I'm 20 weeks pregnant with our DD.

He is complaining that he "never" gets to go out and that if the children are asleep I should be ok with looking after them as I don't want to go out anyway.

I get annoyed that the expectation is that I should be the one to stay home while he is off out. I admit I've had very bad morning sickness and that's made me not much fun to be around, and being pregnant I can't drink so am less inclined to want to go to the pub. But I still don't see why I should be considered default childcare ALL the time.

I feel like that it's normal to have less "me time" while the children are young and it worries me that we will have a second baby soon and he's expecting all this time out of the house instead of helping me.

He says he doesn't know how much "me" time he wants yet. But he wants at least one evening out a week and a morning at the weekend, followed by a full weekend day the next weekend. He also wants to be able to exercise/run multiple times a week and see a personal trainer, which isn't included in this "me" time as it's for health reasons - even though I'd still need to provide the childcare for this to take place.

I think if we didn't have two young children this would be okay. But we will have two young children so I think he has to give up some of this. AIBU?

How much free time to yourselves without the children do you and your DHs get?

"If I did the same then we wouldn't have a single weekend where we did anything together. I go out Saturday morning, he goes out Sunday morning, the next weekend I'm Saturday all day away and he's Sunday all day away? I just don't see where any time for our family is meant to fit in with this schedule. Let alone if I then start exercising in the evenings as well and taking a whole evening in the week to myself. He knows that in reality I won't do this which is why its fine for him to say he would do it in return!"

@startravels The point of my "tell him sure, but take exactly the same for yourself" post was that, if you actually took every minute of "me" time that he took, that would leave HIM to care for the kids alone for the same number of (leisure) hours as you do. Doing that all on his own, for just one evening much less one entire weekend day, would demonstrate in no uncertain terms exactly how difficult it is in reality. He would wake up from his ridiculous dream after the week were through, and you wouldn't have to actually spend NO time together.

And as for @DH joining the bloody thread... Pull the other one indeed. How about you first organise just one minute of time for your wife to actually have to herself first, mate. Thanks for all the cooking, but I'm guessing she's not just putting her feet up relaxing with a cuppa while you're at the hob. You're doing the minimum and asking for more.

Aaaand that should have said "before" the week were through...

One evening a week for an evening out for each of you absolutely fine and probably very much needed.

But weekends with a young child and a baby needs to be all hands on deck (although exercising prior to/just after breakfast works ok in our house).
This bit doesn't last forever.
It gets so much easier.
However, now isn't really the time to start carving up weekends in my opinion.
And using "me" time to wash car seems unlikely...

smack on @notonthestairs

My DH and I have me time but it's a mutually respected thing and it works - we even have the odd separate holiday where we do things with friends (he likes extreme sports and unlike extreme relaxation holidays so we do these with mates rather than each other - it works!

Just saying I'm taking 2-3 nights a week out is taking the piss as you'd never see each other if you did the same!!
Equality

One night out each week plus a bit of time for exercise is absolutely fine and normal.

One whole day every other weekend plus one half day on the in-between weekends is completely unreasonable.

Find a compromise that you're both happy with.

OP's DH - you haven't got a clue. You have to sacrifice most leisure time when you have small children. Suck it up.

Pisses me off when the OH jumps on the thread. Let her vent and discuss without your input, I don't think she wants you here. I'm sure she hears it enough at home.

Also, if the DH here arrives back from work at 7 five days a week, presumably OP will already have fed the toddler, so cooking will be for two.

Doubt OP fancies cooking/eating much given her nasty morning sickness!

So DH what does your wife do? Compared to how much you do, how little too go out etc?

You are about to have two young children, life is unpredictable when children and young and cant be nicely boxed up into sections that means you can switch off.

You sound too much of control freak, she doesnt get it because presumably she feels you dont want to take control of your child

I think you have another four years of very little me time. And I'd stick at two kids if I were you.
Your life has changed shinywhale. For the next few years, me time is going to be massively reduced. I'd say more like an evening a fortnight and a morning every month. Just be glad the only thing that has changed is your leisure time. You are not feeling constantly sick, your body isn't ruined, you sleep at night on the whole, you still have an identity outside your children, you are not lonely as you have work friends, you get to leave the house in the morning and not look back.
My dh has no hobbies and virtually no time out socializing anymore. In another couple of years I will be really encouraging to start things up again. But for now we are each others company, we make the best of this stage, we go out with other families with kids the same age. We have accepted playing tennis in the evening and playing in a band and gigging weekends just is not practical right now. And that's why I love him, we laugh together and we have a good sex life. The main thing is to come out the other end not resenting each other. Everyone needs some time away from kids, but you do get that at work. When does she?

Me time - you need to be clear on this. It can be an evening off at home where dh does the dinner, feeds and cleans up, does the bath, tidies toys, puts a load of washing on, story and bedtime, processes the mail and sorts odds and sods i.e. What the op does when dh goes out. If the dh doesn't say 'don't get out of bed darling I've got this and bringing you a cup of tea then he shouldn't get to take a morning off either.

However , when I had severe morning sickness I did nothing at all around the house. Certainly not cooking . Dp ran t the shops for things we thought I might eat and took care of everything. Vomiting in bed is NOT me time, it is your basic health.

Also to the oh: I really don't care how intense your work is. Your hours are the same as my husbands. He was far more solicitous of my time when I was home with a small child than when i am at work - and just like him I walk in the door from work ( also an intense job) , roll up my sleeves and get to it.

Also I assume you are even worse in your private conversations with your wife than you are on here, your poor wife. You haven't acknowledged her, it sounds like you have basically lied about how much you have gone out, and you also seem to have completely lied to us about how much you said you want to go out. Your wife's recollections of conversations seem pretty clear.

A pp said that equal weekend time off on your suggested schedule gives you one family day a fortnight. No it doesn't, 1 day and one morning each over two weekends gives zero days as a family. Two half days.

OP's "H" would be wise to get off mumsmet now. Afterall if OP didn't realise what a self absorbed plonker her "H" is, she certainly does now after we have all pointed it out to her.

My ex spent a whole day and night fishing once a week for "me time"
whilst my dd was a baby. Strangely enough after a few years I had enough of that shit and im with someone else now who loves spending time with me :-) ex now has DD EOW.. seems he doesn't have time for fishing anymore

I don't think the DH sounds unreasonable at all. Time away from family is healthy. You just need to agree the amount and both partners need to take me time.
I think one night out a week and alternative Saturday mornings is fine.
I think your wife just doesn't really want me time and resents you having any... Not healthy. She doesn't even have to go out... Watching TV upstairs and painting your nails is me time isn't it?

I wonder who is doing the parenting at weekends and nights, and the domestic work other than cooking. Suspect it's OP, and really hope she's not a SAHM given Whale's attitudes and behaviour.

Oly5, see I see the OP Saying she does want me time, but knows realistically she is not going to get it with a newborn. And not a great deal with a 2 to either. So next best thing is not doing it all alone

Time when kids are asleep is not "me" time. I'm stil on call in case they wake up. My DC are 3 and 5, only recently I'm getting some "me" time as they are both away to nursery/school time.
OP, YANBU, your OH has unreasonable expectations here.

Yes and I agree you get little me time with a newborn, especially if you are breastfeeding. In those situations I've not generally begrudged my partner a night out as I feel he does pull his weight with cooking etc. But when I've wanted a Sat afternoon off I've expressed enough to be able to have one.
I just think the OP came across as thinking me time with young kids was unreasonable. Her DH says there is also always a row whenever he wants to go out.
Nobody wants to be controlled by their partner.
I still don't think the DH is asking too much (though full dat every other weekend is a bit much). I'd just make sure I got equal amounts

From what OP says and her DH's own posts it doesn't sound like OP is the controlling one....

You just need to tell him he can have whatever childfree time he wants as long as; a. You have equal time, b. You still make time for both of you to be together and c. He understands that he will need to support you properly with the new baby and toddler DS.

I don't understand why it has to be so regimented? Set amounts of time, clocked and logged each week? Surely in a healthy relationship and family there's give and take? And if you want exercise, fine, but find a way to make it work for the family (for a while, DH did his at home because when DD was a baby I couldn't bear being at home alone and dealing with both kids waking up. If things got busy while he was exercising, he stopped exercising and came to help).

Dh goes to the gym at least a few times a week. Currently, he fits that in easily but tends to go after the kids are in bed as they have wildly different routines (separate issue) and it's hard to do it alone. However, Like I said, when they were smaller he skipped or found a way to exercise at home because it was too exhausting for me to be left at home dealing with both DC waking up all the time.

Ditto, evenings out. We both have them but rather than saying it's something we do a set amount of time, we play it by ear. Some weeks, I might go out twice but then not for a week or two. And vice versa. Again, based on work and family and how we're all feeling. He's currently out every week for a commitment he has, and so we've both had to adapt our routines for a bit. It's fine. It's just the way things will be for a few months, then we'll get back to it.

As for days out on the weekend - I think Shiney you're on a hiding to nowhere there. The odd day out on the weekend is one thing, but quite frankly, between chores and childcare how on earth do you expect to maintain your relationship with your wife and children if you're hardly ever there? DH goes to a music festival once a year and every couple of weeks one of us takes the gap to disappear for a few hours to go to the gym or to do some shopping or see a friend, but it's not practical every week and it would totally destroy family life.

oh and to the DH - how much you have gone out in the last 9 months is probably more than I'd expect a father of a two year old with a pregnant wife to have.

Regular 'Me time' is not really something you can reasonably expect until the dc are older. This is why your wife is annoyed at you, because you don't seem to understand this despite having a two year old and another baby on the way.

Also, Shiny, what are you going to sacrifice for all this ME time? Why must your DW do all the sacrificing for you? DH wanted to run a marathon a few years ago. He had to sacrifice his lie ins while he was training because I didn't see why I should. So every week, I got my lie in as normal and then on Sunday, we both got up early - me with DS and him to go running so that he'd be home at a decent time and we could actually have some time as a family and do things together.

I do have sympathy for the idea that your DW doesn't want much extra time so why must you limit yourself, but you are taking the piss and being completely unrealistic.