How much me time?

[startravels]

My DH and I are currently arguing about the amount of "me time" we get.

We have a 2 year old DS and I'm 20 weeks pregnant with our DD.

He is complaining that he "never" gets to go out and that if the children are asleep I should be ok with looking after them as I don't want to go out anyway.

I get annoyed that the expectation is that I should be the one to stay home while he is off out. I admit I've had very bad morning sickness and that's made me not much fun to be around, and being pregnant I can't drink so am less inclined to want to go to the pub. But I still don't see why I should be considered default childcare ALL the time.

I feel like that it's normal to have less "me time" while the children are young and it worries me that we will have a second baby soon and he's expecting all this time out of the house instead of helping me.

He says he doesn't know how much "me" time he wants yet. But he wants at least one evening out a week and a morning at the weekend, followed by a full weekend day the next weekend. He also wants to be able to exercise/run multiple times a week and see a personal trainer, which isn't included in this "me" time as it's for health reasons - even though I'd still need to provide the childcare for this to take place.

I think if we didn't have two young children this would be okay. But we will have two young children so I think he has to give up some of this. AIBU?

How much free time to yourselves without the children do you and your DHs get?

You have two tiny children!!! Hello?!!!

A night a week I can do something I want a morning a week I can do something I want....?!!!

Me me me.

Do you know why she doesn't want the same? Because she knows you're incapable of stepping up to the plate!

How about you get your head down and start helping the mother of your children - and once you've done that (NOT a token effort) see how she feels. If she SEES that you can do it then she may well be inclined to take a bit of time out by herself and then of course you could too.

Housework is wonderful exercise. Put in a bit of elbow grease, you don't need a personal trainer.

Look up NOW a comic called "the mental load" by Emma and you will see exactly what I mean.

And put your kids and their mother first, for god's sake!!

I agree with the DH, don't think that's unreasonable and op needs to find things to do to take advantage, if she doesn't want to then fair enough but he does and i don't think what he asks is unreasonable.

If OP is breastfeeding new baby then she can't just up and leave for a night out or a day off.

Managing 2 small children is a completely different kettle of fish to 1. Maybe see what it's like before making plans and agreements: 2 parents make life a lot easier if they're both sharing the load.

So with 1 young DC and another on the way, your DH is focusing on making sure he gets enough time away from the family for himself?
He sounds like a complete dick to me.

I think it's important to quantify "me time".

It doesn't mean going out and getting drunk all the time; It could be cleaning the car, going for a walk etc.

I believe that not having some time to do things away from the home/relationship is actually not very healthy. However, I also recognise that I have responsibilities and a newborn baby is a very different thing entirely e.g. whilst my wife is breastfeeding.

For the moment, I am just trying to work out what is reasonable.

I would love the opportunity to return the favour. If my wife does not want to go out, that could just be taking our son out for a day etc.

I don't think the DH is being unreasonable at all! He is allowed some me time.

1 evening a week is hardly a lot, I presume the 2 year old would be in bed or on his way to bed when he left so hardly a big issue.

A morning/afternoon at a weekend isn't that much either, a few hours, aslong as if wasnt every weekend I wouldn't have a problem with this, if it turns into a day thing I would expect it To happen no more then once a month.

So 1 night on a week day and one day on the weekend once a month.
1x pt session a week which is an hour and a couple of runs on his lunch break ...

So he's spending at least 4 week nights in and 3 weekends out of the month with his family. The DH has put at a weekend, not that he wants To go out every weekend.

I don't see a problem with the above and I have two young children!

It's not his fault his wife never wants to go out. He's offered the same each week back to her. Just because they have 1 child & 1 on the way doesn't mean he isn't allowed out and why does he need to prove to her he can handle them by himself ? He doesn't have to prove anything. He's there dad and I presume She thinks he's a decent enough one to have a second child by him!

I go out one evening every week and I go out once every 6 weeks with my friends from about 5pm and don't come back til late. Just because some mums haven't had a day to themselves in years doesn't mean he's asking to much. It's very healthy to have some me time in a relationship.

Justdontknow4321 But he does want it every weekend. He told me last night that he wanted a morning to himself for one weekend, followed by a full day to himself the next weekend, continuing on this basis.

If I did the same then we wouldn't have a single weekend where we did anything together. I go out Saturday morning, he goes out Sunday morning, the next weekend I'm Saturday all day away and he's Sunday all day away? I just don't see where any time for our family is meant to fit in with this schedule. Let alone if I then start exercising in the evenings as well and taking a whole evening in the week to myself. He knows that in reality I won't do this which is why its fine for him to say he would do it in return!

It's also not true that I never want to go out. I have been feeling very unwell with very bad morning sickness bordering on HG. I almost was admitted to hospital with ridiculously high ketone levels. It has made me want to go out less. I'm just realistic that I'm not going to be able to go out much with a newborn who will mostly be attached to me. I am also a SAHM so have less opportunity for going out than he has, as a large proportion of the "me time" is generally drinking in town after work. He wouldn't usually come home and then want to go out after my DS is bed. Usually he would want to go straight from work.

I'm not against him going out. I just want our family to come first, and for me not to feel resentful of the fact that I feel a bit like I'm the default childcare provider while he comes and goes as he pleases. I didn't give up my job in order to enable his social life, and I feel like if we both worked he would need to help with nursery and pick ups and he'd get even less time to himself. It just doesn't feel very fair, and it's worrying me that he's asking for all this when we don't even have a second baby, and I had a terrible time with the first to be honest - he never slept at all. I think I wont be able to cope if I don't know he will be there to help at weekends and to give me a break in the evenings.

To be honest, I'm thinking about going back to work, as I feel like he will never truly understand how easy he has it now until he has to actually help with pick ups and drop offs and being around in the evenings with the DC until I do this.

And apologies, I didn't expect him to jump on the thread and for this to turn into a domestic!

I am just trying to work out what is reasonable.

No you're not - your DW has told she is unhappy with the amount of 'me time' that you want, but you're not listening to her.

With your system - half a day one weekend and a full day the next, if your DW takes the same, then you will only have 2 days together at the weekend each month.
Same with the nights out - one a week for social stuff, one for your PT. If your DW has 2 nights as well that would mean you only get 3 evenings a week together.

So your proposal only works if your DW does not want the same amount as 'me time' as you - which is something I think you are relying on.

OP - you have my sympathies. Having to spend your time explaining to a selfish idiot why his grand plans for lots of time away from the family are unreasonable must be knackering. Sounds like you are married to a man-child, not a grown up.

Only you know what's right for your relationship, but I assume all 'me time' should be equal. If it seems unreasonable that you would have the same sort of time, then it's too much. Would he be happy to put your dc to bed one evening a week so you could leave and do something and to spend half of one day each weekend and then give you the whole weekend away the following weekend? My guess is probably not, so yes, it's an unreasonable amount.

In our house, we both work full time including often for part of many weeknight evenings (in the evenings we work from a home office, so we're home in the afternoon, have a family supper, bathtime, bedtime and then we go do work after our daughter is in bed). So our Friday evening through Sunday evening is the only time we really get to spend with our daughter and it's important it's for family time. One of us might have an overnight or a weekend away once a month, but not every month. So 90% of the time we're together, but my husband might go away for the weekend to see friends once every month or two. He rarely has a night out because our close friends don't really live near enough (which is why he spends the night as he'd like to be able to relax and have a few drinks). I rarely go out as again no close friends who are free to go out (my local friends mostly have young babies again now) and honestly I can't really be bothered to travel to see anyone and be away for a whole weekend. I have a few weekends away a year though. Maybe once a month I do have a morning to myself on the weekend, but I sped it working, nothing exciting!

So yes, I think one night and one half day a week plus two full weekends away a month is excessive. I had a friend who had a similar arrangement with her husband. They had a diary and they each marked the days they wanted to go have their 'me time' so they were each out 2-3 nights a week and sometimes several weekends a month with friends and various hobbies and sports, such that they barely saw each other and were just together long enough to hand off the kids before one of them was out the door to something. She got into running, joined a running club, ran a 10K, got into community theatre and zumba classes. It turns out what he was doing in his 'me time' was his OW. Not saying that's the case here, but I think if you don't prioritise your marriage and put too much priority on friends and hobbies and never see each other, you can grow apart and it can sometimes risk tipping over into something else.

OMG star he wont even let you have a rant on mumsmet without jumping in, is he usually like this?

I had HG, actually lost a baby from it (very malnourished - very severe case) I suggest giving your partner "accidental food poisoning" (joke) so he can see how awful and debilitating it is, not every now and then,.. but every second (for months ).. and "him" the poor love needs me time! Sorry but what a dick.

You have a small child and one on the way- family time is more important. He sound like he is guilting you and not being very supportive when its actually you doing EVERYTHING. All he has to do is flounce off to work, eat dinner nice and quiet (without warming it up in the microwave 5 times before you get chance to eat yours) and then come home and say "Oh I need me time" haha

When he is off on paternity leave, have him do everything you do EVERYTHING! then see how much me time he deserves compared to you.
I get some people need some " me time" - but working 5 days then asking for a day on the weekend leaving 1 day for family. Not a man with his priorities in order there - not a man in my eyes.
OP's husband (if your still hanging round her thread that she put up for support) perhaps she may look forward to seeing you all together at the weekends after slogging her guts out in the house , running round after a little one and battling sickness all day long?
But no no, as long as your needs are dealt with lets forget the struggling wife and kids needs... Plonker!

@BookingDotComAreTwats

I agree with your username but not with your points. 

There are two sides to every discussion and every relationship.

And pp calling dh an idiot etc how is that helpful?

Relationships are a balancing act especially with family commitments. I think that it's a good thing and mature for dh to communicate his wants rather than immature as some pp said.

This doesn't have to be a 'domestic' ignore gf and talk about some ideas for win-wins

@startravels can you have 'me time' at home if dh takes the kids out? Friends coming round to you?

I took on a property development and it was disruptive to dd's schedule (we co-sleep) but dw and I agreed that if I wake dd up coming in I'll take her for a 30 minute walk which was the only way to get dd to sleep other than bf.

@shinywhale can you incorporate dc into your exercise schedule? A longer walk with the weight of buggy and/or carrier could work out better than jogging. What are your health goals?

It's not unreasonable to want me time, and it's absolutely important for the future of a relationship. Not doing so would actually be damaging.

I think ShinyWhale is more than a bit optimistic, and OP is more than a bit frugal with her me time - setting up a rota might demonstrate that and help find a balance. It should absolutely be equal.

OP and Shiny might be better discussing this between themselves, seeing as none of us PPs are going to be taking a shift on that rota!

Thanks.

A lot of the responses do seem quite unfair.

A bit more background:

I get up at 5:30AM and get home at 7PM everyday.
I work for myself, so the intensity of my day tends to be quite high.
I leave on the dot so that I see my son and put him to bed during the week.
I cook 90% of the time.

In the last 9 months, I have had three nights out (two nights out with the company, and one with a client) and one weekend away (a close friends stag do). I haven't done any exercise.

I would just like to agree an amount of time that I can have to myself to do whatever I want. At the moment, all nights out tend to be met with a lot of arguments and therefore I think it would be easier to agree a rota that is agreed.

If the consensus is that a night a week, and a morning/aftenroon at the weekend is excessive then that's fine.

Please tell me what would be reasonable.

can have to myself to do whatever I want

You have a small child and a pregnant wife. That's not reasonable.

I think that two evenings a week going out for an hour for a run is ok, and one social event every 2 weeks is reasonable as long as it doesn't involve you getting totally pissed or taking drugs.

Your expectations of how much free time parents have when they have very young children is way off.

I would like to re write your last post from your wifes point of view:

I get up when my toddler wakes, can be anytime through the night.
I work for my family, the intensity of my day involves feeling very poorley all day whilst running round after a toddler and trying to keep on top of then house work.
I cant do anything on the dot, my whole plans are interrupted as you would expect with children
I do all the house work, childcare and am on call 24/7- my husband cooks
In the last 9 months ive spent every day feeling quite sick whilst my husbands main and only issue seems to be the lack of "me time " he gets and trying to narrow his parental responsibilities down to 1 day per week

Pull the other one DH

To answer your question- I would say 1 night per week (after DC has gone to bed) is fair
and one morning/ afternoon on the weekend once a month is fair

It's not unreasonable to organise your time but if your wife isn't happy with what you're suggesting then some negotiation is needed.

My DP has a lot of 'me time'. He works full time but is also trying to turn his passion into a job. So he has two to four periods of four to five hours a week doing his passion. We have a two year old and baby so this isn't the easiest for me. I am breastfeeding so can't really get alone time at the moment.

However I am happy to give him this as I believe in him and if he is ever going to do it he needs to put the time in. Resentment has simmered up and down over the years though. What we have found works most recently is to keep a diary. I worked out a 'rota' of set times that I was happy with him doing. This turned into a four week rolling rota so some weeks are busier than others, giving us a nice mix of family weekends and times when he is more focused on his stuff. We have some flexibility, slots are arranged as either daytime or evening so timing is flexible. What he does involves working with others so sometimes we swap things around. But the important thing is we know in advance what's happening and when. If I've had a tough week or something I can see what's coming up in the diary and we discuss and adjust accordingly. It sounds a bit over the top but means we both know what's happening and it's both organised and flexible. He gets what he needs but I do too. And mine and the children's needs override the diary at all times e.g. they're sick, or sleeping badly, or have an appointment or whatever.

Perhaps something similar can work for you. Maybe three weeks out of four you'll have a morning or afternoon at the weekend and every fourth week you'll have a day. Same with a weekday evening perhaps just two or three out of every four weeks. Militantly giving exactly the same to your wife won't work if what she wants is different but instead just work on the proviso that whenever she does want some time, it is given. If I want to go somewhere either alone or with just one of the kids, I tell DP, I don't ask. We are both well aware that I have this time less frequently. So I don't feel trapped and he doesn't have to feel guilty.

Bit of an essay sorry.

sorry your H has taken over your thread star :-(

I think the bit that got to me the most is: " I work for myself, so the intensity of my day tends to be quite high"

haha, does he think coping with a toddler, feeling ill and doing housework and washing all day is not "high intensity" ? seems like your DH holds the opinion his work is more important that yours. Role reversal in this instance should sort that out.

@ShinyWhale
Careful what you ask for here.

There's some indignation that you comment on a thread that directly affects you, while (the predominantly female) MN audience wants to tell you what your life should be like from their extensive experience of your circumstances.

I'd suggest you need to discuss with your DW what's acceptable to the two of you, not put it out to public vote.

To address the cooking point. DH does do most of the cooking but this is because my cooking is not good enough/ local enough/ healthy enough / to his personal tastes and over the years I've wasted entire weekly shops where he's decided he didn't fancy what we had in for that particular evenings meal. So yes he cooks, but it's because I don't really care what we eat and I was sick of being told my food wasn't good enough. Even when I do cook he interrupts part way through adding things into the food and he knows it winds me up. He even admits to me he has a problem with food so I'm not sure why this is the least bit relevant.

The number of times he has said he's been out in the last 9 months is also not true and he knows it. @shinywhale happy to provide dates if your mind has become somewhat foggy but I'm refraining from airing all dirty laundry in public!

Your wife has severe morning sickness and a toddler to look after all day (and/or WoH?) and your preoccupation is negotiating more "me time" and exercise time!

If someone doesn't wish to go out herself at present, perhaps that's because she feels like shit, and needs company and support?

OP if you don't WoH suggest you do so once DC2 is old enough because I doubt your H is a great person to be emotionally and financially dependent on.

Hi both

I do understand points on both sides.

shinywhale: That is a very long day, and because you cook as well I can see you don't have much time to yourself during the week if any.

startravels: You have a lot on your plate and I can see why you are concerned about your weekend time together.

Suggested solution to both assuming some things:

a. Each of you gets an evening to yourself once a week, the other does 'childcare'. You can do what you want, go out, go into another room, leave the house. Whatever. That is fair. Looking after your own children is fair. This would include not cooking/preparing so after your child is in bed it's 100% free for you.

b. Weekends...
Saturday: To cut down time cooking, both of you batch cook together, do your housework/odd jobs, work as a team, you can chat, both look after your child, this is spending time together and exercising. Alternate weekends, whatever time is left on Saturday, one of you gets, so get all of this done by 3:00pm and you have a lot of the day left.
Sunday: Proper family time/seeing people/going out/fun shopping etc, together. Come evening if startravels wants a relaxing hour in the bath, fair enough, if shinywhale wants to fit in a trainer/a run, fair enough.

It's about teamwork and coming to a compromise. You are both looking after your own children.

If you've had 3 nights out in the past 9 months this will be a massive improvement if that's what you want.

There are numerous MN threads about fathers' hobbies: not total consensus among posters, but the majority of posters concur that men who work full time (or "full time plus" as in Whale's case) want half a day or a day every weekend for leisure time are twats. Doubly so if their DC are babies or toddlers.

star, don't worry you don't need to justify yourself.

Every post your "H" has written, not once has he acknowledged how amazing you are, how poorley you are and how he can help you- only stuck to the point of needing more "me time" !

and the fact he jumped on your thread- Controlling much?