How much me time?

[startravels]

My DH and I are currently arguing about the amount of "me time" we get.

We have a 2 year old DS and I'm 20 weeks pregnant with our DD.

He is complaining that he "never" gets to go out and that if the children are asleep I should be ok with looking after them as I don't want to go out anyway.

I get annoyed that the expectation is that I should be the one to stay home while he is off out. I admit I've had very bad morning sickness and that's made me not much fun to be around, and being pregnant I can't drink so am less inclined to want to go to the pub. But I still don't see why I should be considered default childcare ALL the time.

I feel like that it's normal to have less "me time" while the children are young and it worries me that we will have a second baby soon and he's expecting all this time out of the house instead of helping me.

He says he doesn't know how much "me" time he wants yet. But he wants at least one evening out a week and a morning at the weekend, followed by a full weekend day the next weekend. He also wants to be able to exercise/run multiple times a week and see a personal trainer, which isn't included in this "me" time as it's for health reasons - even though I'd still need to provide the childcare for this to take place.

I think if we didn't have two young children this would be okay. But we will have two young children so I think he has to give up some of this. AIBU?

How much free time to yourselves without the children do you and your DHs get?

So he gets one weekend day and say, for example, you get the other, when does that leave time for you to do stuff as a family? Thats what he should be thinking of, not when can he get away from you all! Very selfish. It would be nice if he thought about when you would have time together as a couple too.

The only reason you don't want to go out because you are tired. Dealing with kids is mentally draining. And for him to still have energy to go hang out with friends make me wonder if he is doing enough to help you . Anyway, I am sure you love to have conversations with him (as another adult to talk to at home)

This is hilarious. We have a 2 year old and I'm 17 weeks pregnant so we're in a similar situation.

In the last 2 years DH & I have been our together twice. He's been out maybe 6 times? I've been out the same-ish.

If he wanted as much time as OPs DH is asking we wouldn't be together.

I have a friend who's husband was out this regularly. They split when their 1st DC was 16 months.

OP's "H" isn't coming back- im hoping he is quiet because he is busy saying sorry to his poor wife before she LTB's his ass!
However in reality is on another forum trying his hardest to get someone to side with him ... " I need me time " I have an intense job " Poor me" he sounds like a child... not a man at all. Id be disappointed if this were my bloke .. sorry OP

No, unfortunately not XJersey. Not sure where we go from here.

Thanks everyone for all your views and suggestions.

I could almost have written this myself op. I have a DD who is a toddler and I'm very ill with 24/7 morning sickness.

My DH still goes to the gym 5 or 6 mornings per week, meaning that if my DD wakes up when he's leaving for the gym (she usually does), I am then up early in the morning when I really need all the rest I can get. My DD never goes back to sleep, and it's full on Mummy mode for me for the next 12 hours until my DH comes home from work.

DH also now rides a bike to work, so leaves the house 30 minutes earlier than he used to and comes home 30 minutes later. He does this for fitness reasons too, not because he can't afford public transport.

In addition to the above, one day at the weekend he drives to and from a very large park and runs around it. He returns 3 hours later, then sits around for ages drinking protein shakes in his stinking clothes, before making lunch - just for himself. He then makes a strong coffee and sits around drinking it and stinking the place out with that, despite knowing that I'm completely coffee adverse in pregnancy, and the smell makes me gag. He then finally has a shower and changes his clothes.

The only 'me time' I get in the evenings at the moment, is when I lock myself in the toilet, and then for however long I can stay up for when my DD is in bed before I fall asleep. I'm a part time student, and when I'm back at uni, I honestly don't know how I'm going to even get my work done, never mind have any me time. My DH is out of the house for longer now, and my DD no longer naps during the day compared to when I broke up before the Summer. I also wasn't pregnant and constantly sick and exhausted and miserable then either.

About once every 2-3 months, I meet up with a friend for dinner on a Friday night, or on a Saturday afternoon and early evening for lunch and shopping. I can't imagine I'll even get to do this as often as now when the baby arrives. I have no support network near to me, and it's all really getting me down.

Some people are just irredeemably selfish unfortunately. I do think that if he hasn't already learned with your eldest that 'me time' is not really a thing parents get (certainly not without cost to everyone else in the family) when their kids are small then it's unlikely anything will change TBH. You will probably have to decide whether to stay with him or leave eventually.

His whining and self absorption and proposed regimental family structuring (centred on him) would have probably been a brilliant contraceptive thereby avoiding DC2 if it were me.

If he finds it too hard going running his own business he needs to change that and get a regular job, if he CBA being in the relationship why are you together and if he finds looking after his kid unfulfilling it's tough TBH, very few people are fulfilled by it, looking after your child and tending your relationship and working are all things adults just have to do

When my 2 DC were preschool I remember having a conversation with my DH when he complained we hadn't done anything all weekend that he'd wanted to do.
It dawned on me that he classed taking the kids to activities, food shopping, chores, etc as 'my' things. Not things that we had to do for the family or DC. So in his head we had spent the whole weekend doing my stuff.
You don't need much imagination to work out the conversation that followed.

actually I would be more concerned with him jumping in on mumsnetto me thats plain weird time to yourself I have symapthies with, jumping onto somewhere you are having a rant--not so good ,

MR husband, you can't schedule me time when you have littlies. Suck it up, work as a team and one day they'll grow up and you'll get your time. In the mean time , don't whine and accept your social life will be now and then.

Maybe if you can't squash mr selfish for a few year then don't impregnate your wife anymore.

Coming on her thread is really weird. Boundary issues right there.

Well schedule aside from who gets the lie in/ piss in peace that is.

Didn't you discuss all this before having a second child?

I don't think your DH is having too much 'me time' - I think one of the problems and we see this all the time on Mumsnet is that the mother often says 'I don't want/need 'me time' - I want 'family time' - and quite frankly can sometimes be a bit of a martyr about it.

If you (OP) want more 'me time' then get on and do something, don't begrudge your DH doing some exercise and his own thing occasionally.

In our marriage I was the one who wanted (and took) more 'me time' - I need time alone, without DS, and DH was more than happy to 'enable' me to do my own thing at weekends and evenings.

However - totally inappropriate for the DH to come on this thread, start your own thread if you want to.

In DS's early months, DH would often "pop down to London" to "see his Dad". Granted we had relocated from London to Elsewhere In The UK. It left me feeling quite lonely despite having family nearby and the weekend would feel really long.

After the 4th ish time, and upon the pronouncement that the following weekend would, again be a jolly visit to London, I said "no problem, you go that weekend and I'll go the following weekend" (calm as you like). This was met with an "eh??" but the realisation dawned. He did go, as did I. Had a glorious weekend with friends/theatre/wine and song. I told my Mum under no circumstances was she to pop round or invite him for Sunday dinner

Survive he did and, from then, equal time has been had. It's not divvied up or set in stone but as and when.

Your not being unreasonable at all! Your right, when kids are small it's hard to get out and he is ridiculous thinking he should have a full weekend off each weekend. My husband sets out for work at 6 and gets back around 7 Monday to Friday, he has one evening a week off to go to his art class and at weekend I have a lie in on both days and he has two hours each afternoon during nap time. I think you both need a bit if time but what he is expecting is a bit excessive.

OP, YANBU. And I agree that you should go back to work!

@shinywhale , your wife is ill and looking after a toddler. That should be your focus. You can improve your fitness with a 15 minute HIIT or a run around the park with your toddler, you don't need a personal trainer or special weekend sessions.

The early years with kids are boring, relentless and exhausting. You just have to lower your expectations of life and focus on the fact that it won't be forever.

I do think me time is important, for both of you. Exercise is definitely counted as me time though!
My husband does triathlons so training is really important to him. However when I was pregnant with our second he did much less as I had terrible pgp so couldn't really handle the toddler at all. If he couldn't get out to the gym he would do a HIIT session at home. At weekends he would take the toddler out in a running buggy or put him in the gym crèche (not an option for all obviously but he wouldn't have gone to the gym otherwise).
The smallest is now 14 months and both kids are usually asleep by 8pm so he goes out to the gym 3 - 5 times a week once they are down. In return I have unlimited lie ins at the weekend plus afternoon naps if I want (I could go out if I wanted but I choose sleep). If he wants to do something social that would be instead of the gym rather than on top of.
At this point I think any time during the day at the weekend is unreasonable as your wife is already poorly and looking after a toddler all week. Your weekend should either be spent as a family or making sure your wife gets a break.

exercise is important but can be fitted in. Like a PP my husband gets up at 630 at the weekends to fit his exercise in and then does one or two runs a week in the evening depending on how it goes. Depending on how it goes though is crucial here though isnt it. Even with a 8 and 5 year old, we both work (me from home and in the evenings) and things need fitting in. The evenings tend to be fluid because they have to be.

I ran this past my DH who trains in martial arts at a fairly high level, that means two 3 hours session out a week, and 1 hour every day at home. That's his me time, but our kids are a bit older now.
He thinks @shinywhale is being completely ridiculous demanding scheduled unflexible days and weekends off. He says you need to be flexible when the kids are small, and if you want to exercise that is your me time, you don't get to have both. He adds that little kids are all hands on deck, so get over yourself , as he remembers how desperate I was at times to just be able to step away for even an hour.
He also made a comment that if you want to be divorced keep on insisting on your me time.

haha. my DD is 16. My DS started secondary today. Ive just about, now, got some me time

Star, hope your ok and your DH had managed to sort his head out.

Commander daisy , your DH sounds like a real man

He also made a comment that if you want to be divorced keep on insisting on your me time

Not always true, celebrating 30 years of marriage next year and one thing we have both insisted on is plenty of 'me time'. .

I agree! We have a very happy long-standing relationship, partly due to giving each other "me time" and realising that you're still your own person, even with a family and children!

The term "me time" is wanky!

What the husband wants is for the whole family to work around his guaranteed set times of his me time which he proposes makes up the majority of the time that he is not in work and isn't asleep though.

What he proposes, even if they didn't have a toddler and one on the way, would mean that time together as a couple would come only after he had had his 'me time' and that 'couple time', 'family time' and op's 'me time' would all have to fit around his guaranteed time for himself which takes the lion's share.

In reality if you think back to having small children I think you'd see that actually 'me time' wasn't the main priority then.

The "me time" my husband mentioned was in reference to the OP's husband/partner.