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Original poster

Misunderstanding or did he ignore me?

109 replies

hurtandshocked · 05/09/2017 23:51

I don't even know where to start.

My partner and I have always had quite rough sex. Rarely I will be in the mood for anal and whilst he doesn't pester for it, he will ask during sex and I will say yes or no. We like trying new things and the rule is, if I say stop he stops.

That's always been fine and we've not had issues before.

I initiated sex tonight and half way through, he said he was going to do anal. I said maybe but he would need to find the lube as obviously it needs lots of lube to make it enjoyable, and even then, sometimes I'm not in the mood or the right frame of mind, and he said something but I don't remember what. He then tried to put it in and I said no, he then went back to vaginal sex and then tried again. It went in and after a few seconds I said no it hurts and he carried on. And I said no deeper and he said 'I need to go deeper' and to touch myself and then it would feel better.
Again after a few minutes I said no it hurts and to stop. And 'stop' has always been our 'word' to stop. No isn't as sometimes it's part of our role play. But 'stop' has always meant stop. And he didn't stop and I reached behind and pushed him back and he moved my hand and then carried on harder. And I don't know why i didn't just say 'get the fuck off me. I said stop!'. I managed to push him off after another minute or two and he said 'ok do you want to be on top?' And I just sort of started shaking and rolled over and shut down and cried. He then started shaking me and asking what was wrong and what was the matter and I just couldn't open my mouth. My mind was just thinking 'I said stop and you said I'm not going to stop'. A part of me knows that he got the wrong end of the stick and didn't intentionally hurt and scare me but the rest of me is upset and shaken that I couldn't seem to get my head together to get him off and let him know I was serious. I'm so confused because he has always stopped it I said so!

He has said he didn't realise I wasn't into it and he got carried away and he would never ever hurt me like that. But I can't help feel like why would he think that the word stop suddenly didn't mean it anymore?

I feel a bit shaken and I don't know where to put myself. I know he wouldn't hurt me but at the same time, whether or not it was intentional, he did hurt me.

Somebody tell me to stop being silly and it's just a misunderstanding

OP posts:
readingintherain · 05/09/2017 23:55

Oh, how awful for you.

Logically, I know there is no difference between vaginal assault and anal assault but I have always felt that being assaulted anally would be the worst thing I could undergo. I am not surprised you feel shaken. That must have been horrific. You're not being silly at all.

Hidingtonothing · 06/09/2017 00:15

I know how much you want it to have been a misunderstanding OP but, honestly, I don't see how it can have been. You told him several times and in several different ways and he still didn't stop, that seems pretty clear cut to me Sad

You're understandably in shock and it's no wonder you feel shaken, apart from the event itself your brain is trying to make sense of the fact that this is someone you love and trust. Have you any idea what you want to do next? Would it help to have a few days away from him so you can think maybe, is that possible for you?

blankface · 06/09/2017 00:27

So sorry to hear of your situation. There are at least two threads in Relationships currently where women have said no and their long-term partners have ignored them, they also initially wondered if it was a misunderstanding, but of course it was not, there's a lot of good advice on those threads that may also help you when you're ready to read it. Flowers
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3025092-Where-do-I-go-from-here-possible-trigger?msgid=71688197
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3009958-Something-has-just-this-second-happened-with-Dp-I-dont-know-how-I-feel-sex-related?pg=1

AcrossthePond55 · 06/09/2017 03:15

He has said he didn't realise I wasn't into it and he got carried away and he would never ever hurt me like that

But he DID! He DID hurt you like that!!! So what he said was a lie.

And it wasn't a 'misunderstanding'. He ignored your 'safe word'. And by my count, he ignored you four times when you either told him no, to stop, or pushed him away. When you told him 'no' the first time and he went back to vaginal sex, that should have been IT and he should not have tried again. And even though you say that 'no' is part of your role playing, you and I both know that there is a difference between that 'no' and a real, serious NO!

I don't have a problem with 'rough sex' per se, but often men seem to want to escalate the 'roughness' past the woman's comfort zone after a while. I think you and he need to have a very frank discussion about what happened and set some firm boundaries. And he needs to understand that if he crosses your line, you will end your relationship. That is, if you even want to continue it after this incident. You are within your rights to break up with him because of it.

Original poster
hurtandshocked · 06/09/2017 07:08

I was really hoping people would say it was just an error in communication or something. Instead of something much more upsetting.

I finally calmed down enough to talk. Well I answered his questions and acknowledged his talking. At first I think he thought I just went dizzy or something as I faint sometimes, and then he realised something was wrong and started saying that he can assume what's wrong and he didn't mean it to be like that. He thought I was just playing. And how sorry he was and that it really was just a mistake.

And then he asked me what I was thinking and I said 'you always stop if I say stop. And I said stop and you didn't' and he said 'you did say stop. And I don't know why in my mind I didn't think you meant it as 'stop'

And now I feel like it's my fault for
Sometimes liking sex rougher than normal, and I initiated sex.

And now I feel really sad and tearful and like I just want to crawl into bed and cry.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I'll have a look at the top thread. I was already watching and commenting on the second one. It seems much more clear cut in her situation, which is horrible because she has been so strong in such a difficult time. I feel like I'm being dramatic and looking for attention. But I don't know why I would want to choose feeling like this so I don't think I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
hurtandshocked · 06/09/2017 07:09

*Acrossthepond
*
You're right. Even the tone of voice has been enough with a no sometimes. Maybe my tone of voice was wrong. But I don't think that should matter as stop has always meant stop.

OP posts:
AdalindSchade · 06/09/2017 07:14

You said stop and he chose to ignore you. He also forced anal sex without lube which he knows full well is painful and dangerous for you.
He raped you. Say it.

Original poster
hurtandshocked · 06/09/2017 07:26

It the light of day, I feel more sick and violated than last night. At least last night the shock was a bit numbing.

OP posts:
Original poster
hurtandshocked · 06/09/2017 07:34

And now I feel bad that he is at work, worried and upset about me because I freaked out.

OP posts:
Miserylovescompany2 · 06/09/2017 07:36

Do you have anyone in RL to confide in? Have you thought about contacting rape crisis if for nothing more than to talk things through.

www.rapecrisis.org.uk

Bufferingkisses · 06/09/2017 07:58

You didn't freak out though did you? That implys you overreacted on some way and you didn't.

There is no gentler way to say this, the person you trusted broke your stated boundaries and ignored your repeated requests to stop.

You are entitled to be shocked, upset, angry and many other things. In this case you need to focus on yourself for a while. He will have to deal with his own feelings himself. See if you can find someone to.talk to, your GP maybe? Just get the words out loud to start with.

Sorry this happened to you Flowers

WomanWithAltitude · 06/09/2017 08:02

I'm so sorry this happened. He raped you. Flowers

It's not because he misheard, or because you didn't say stop forcefully enough. He did it because he's a rapist, this is all on him.

I'd echo the advice above to contact rape crisis, and please consider leaving this man. This won't be the last time he does this.

idontwannaneedthem · 06/09/2017 08:05

He raped you. It's RAPE.

WomanWithAltitude · 06/09/2017 08:11

He claims that he thought you were playing, despite the fact that you have always been clear that stop means stop.

This man heard what you said loud and clear and chose to ignore it. That's not what decent men do, it's what rapists do. He did it because he doesn't think your consent is necessary for him to proceed.

He claims he would never hurt you, but he did hurt you - deliberately and in the knowledge that you did not consent.

Damn right he's worried - he knows you have every right to report him to the police.

AdalindSchade · 06/09/2017 08:14

I know you say that you're usually ok about the 'rough sex' and I'm sure you
WOuldnt agree that his behaviour is abusive to you at other times but the fact that you are more concerned about his feelings than yours...means he's controlling you to a significant degree.

Original poster
hurtandshocked · 06/09/2017 08:18

It can't be rape. Surely rape is to intentionally hurt someone. I don't think he wanted to hurt me. Just wanted to have anal sex and didn't listen.

Oh god. What do I do? I have a baby and a toddler and I work minimum wage 1 day a week. I can't breathe.

OP posts:
WomanWithAltitude · 06/09/2017 08:19

he said he was going to do anal. I said maybe but he would need to find the lube

[Needless to say, he didn't find the lube]

He then tried to put it in and I said no

I said no it hurts and he carried on.

I said no deeper and he said 'I need to go deeper'

I said no it hurts and to stop. And 'stop' has always been our 'word' to stop.

he didn't stop and I reached behind and pushed him back and he moved my hand and then carried on harder.

I managed to push him off after another minute or two

Read this back to yourself and ask yourself honestly what this describes. It's rape, no two ways about it.

The most chilling bit is where he said he was going to do anal. Not 'would you like to do anal', but he was going to do it. Your consent was never one of his requirements.

FlowersFlowers

idontwannaneedthem · 06/09/2017 08:21

I know you are in shock OP. I was too when it happened, and in similar disbelief.

I know you are scared.

If one of your DC told you they had been repeatedly anally penetrated whilst telling someone to stop, what would you say to them?
"It surely wasn't intentional to hurt you."

I know you wouldn't.

WomanWithAltitude · 06/09/2017 08:22

Do you have somewhere you can go OP? Your parents, or a friend's house?

Please do call rape crisis if you feel able to.

AdalindSchade · 06/09/2017 08:23

Rape is not always about hurting the other person. It's about power, sexual entitlement, ownership, possession, control.

idontwannaneedthem · 06/09/2017 08:24

Rape isn't always about hurting someone, it's about controlling them and exterting power and dominance over them.

ColossalKalamari · 06/09/2017 08:26

I have rough sex sometimes with my boyfriend. If I safeword him he stops immediately, checks I'm ok and we stop having sex straight away.

He violated you - he heard you use your safe word and he didn't care. He didn't care enough to check you were ok. This is not your fault op. This isn't a man I would feel safe ever having sex with again

QuiteLikely5 · 06/09/2017 08:28

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JigglyTuff · 06/09/2017 08:30

You told him repeatedly to stop. You said no. You said you didn't want to do it and he did it anyway.

He raped you and your reaction is because he raped you.

He didn't care if he hurt you or not.

AdalindSchade · 06/09/2017 08:31

@quitelikely that is victim blaming and it is dangerous. Educate yourself

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