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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Misunderstanding or did he ignore me?

109 replies

hurtandshocked · 05/09/2017 23:51

I don't even know where to start.

My partner and I have always had quite rough sex. Rarely I will be in the mood for anal and whilst he doesn't pester for it, he will ask during sex and I will say yes or no. We like trying new things and the rule is, if I say stop he stops.

That's always been fine and we've not had issues before.

I initiated sex tonight and half way through, he said he was going to do anal. I said maybe but he would need to find the lube as obviously it needs lots of lube to make it enjoyable, and even then, sometimes I'm not in the mood or the right frame of mind, and he said something but I don't remember what. He then tried to put it in and I said no, he then went back to vaginal sex and then tried again. It went in and after a few seconds I said no it hurts and he carried on. And I said no deeper and he said 'I need to go deeper' and to touch myself and then it would feel better.
Again after a few minutes I said no it hurts and to stop. And 'stop' has always been our 'word' to stop. No isn't as sometimes it's part of our role play. But 'stop' has always meant stop. And he didn't stop and I reached behind and pushed him back and he moved my hand and then carried on harder. And I don't know why i didn't just say 'get the fuck off me. I said stop!'. I managed to push him off after another minute or two and he said 'ok do you want to be on top?' And I just sort of started shaking and rolled over and shut down and cried. He then started shaking me and asking what was wrong and what was the matter and I just couldn't open my mouth. My mind was just thinking 'I said stop and you said I'm not going to stop'. A part of me knows that he got the wrong end of the stick and didn't intentionally hurt and scare me but the rest of me is upset and shaken that I couldn't seem to get my head together to get him off and let him know I was serious. I'm so confused because he has always stopped it I said so!

He has said he didn't realise I wasn't into it and he got carried away and he would never ever hurt me like that. But I can't help feel like why would he think that the word stop suddenly didn't mean it anymore?

I feel a bit shaken and I don't know where to put myself. I know he wouldn't hurt me but at the same time, whether or not it was intentional, he did hurt me.

Somebody tell me to stop being silly and it's just a misunderstanding

OP posts:
AdalindSchade · 06/09/2017 10:45

He's an abuser . He won't do it, he's just trying to keep you in line. Please call women's aid.

BadGrandma · 06/09/2017 10:47

None of this would have happened if I hadn't initiated last night. If I had just gone to sleep, it would all be ok.

Not necessarily. It might have happened the next time, no matter who initiated it. You can't know. Please stop punishing yourself.

And threatening suicide is a control mechanism. Many years ago, I used to spend time with someone who regularly threatened to take an overdose in order to manipulate people into doing what he wanted. It worked regularly, with many different people, and I imagine he's still doing it today.

0ccamsRazor · 06/09/2017 12:22

Get yourself to your gp, please Op.

His mortality is not your issue sweetie, he is going to try to push all of your buttons.

If he threatens suicide phon3 the police and let them deal with him.

Read up on 'hoovering' a technique narcissists use to control their prey, then ignore.

Be a 'grey rock' a term describing a technique used to be as boring as possible if you are in the unfortunate position of having to deal with manipulative, controling, abusive people.

Please read up on how abusive men try to keep the control over their victims.

0ccamsRazor · 06/09/2017 12:23

And please stop blaming yourself for his abuse.

idontwannaneedthem · 06/09/2017 12:45

Rapists don't kill themselves but rape victims do.

He is manipulating you. Don't listen.

JigglyTuff · 06/09/2017 12:49

That other poster went to a support centre where she was able to talk about what happened and be examined for injury.

Would you consider going to one of those locally if you don't feel comfortable talking to your GP? You really should get checked out if you're in pain.

idontwannaneedthem · 06/09/2017 12:50

Op if you're not local or close to Bristol I can come support you.
Or I can travel.

DontbouncelikeIdid · 06/09/2017 13:38

Please please stop blaming yourself for his behaviour. You are only responsible for your own behaviour, and all you did was initiate sex, which is a completely normal healthy thing to do in a loving relationship. He is 100% responsible for what he chose to do after that. You did not, and could not make him rape you!

Original poster
hurtandshocked · 06/09/2017 14:12

Thank you everyone for all your support. Every time I see the word 'rape' in each one of your posts, I feel like a fraud and and attention seeker. If my sister came to me and said her husband had done this, I would say all the things you are saying. Yet I can't seem to put it together as what happened last night.

A big part of me is thinking I should just tell him to come home after work and maybe over time I will forget about it? But at the same time I think I deserve better than to have to be in completely financial control and have to check his bank account to make sure he isn't gambling and lying. And I deserve better than wondering if he is going to respect my wishes in bed.

I don't know how to not be with him. I fell pregnant very quickly and changed my whole life and mind so I could be a good mum. And now I'm going to have to change again and learn how to be independent.

I couldn't face going to see someone. If I have any bleeding then I'll maybe try and find a walk in clinic somewhere. But I cant say it aloud. I can't think it. If I think it, I'll have to deal with the repercussions of accepting it.

On a side note. Does anyone know if having 24 hours of no breastfeeding will affect supply? Baby is 9 months old and feeds in the morning and midday and evening. Would one day a week wreck feeding for me?

OP posts:
Original poster
hurtandshocked · 06/09/2017 14:15

Idontwannaneedthem

Thank you that is so kind. I'm nowhere near Bristol. I'm right in the south east. Right now I don't think I can say it out loud or even process it in my brain. I know my mum would support me if I asked. But she sees him as a son and I don't want to take that away from either of them. He has no one. I'm also terrified that if I told her, she would think I was being dramatic and making it out to be something it isn't.

OP posts:
DeleteOrDecay · 06/09/2017 14:35

He raped you. I'm so sorry op, please don't blame yourself, you trusted him and he violated that trust in one of the most horrific ways imaginable.

At the risk of sounding flippant if he kills himself then that's on him, you are not responsible for hos actions and you shouldn't be guilted into staying with him for fear of him liking himself, that behaviour is manipulative and abusive.

This was in no way a misunderstanding. Please seriously consider leaving himFlowers

MNHQ
LornaMumsnet · 06/09/2017 14:48

Hi folks,

We're awed daily by the astonishing support that our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns – but we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster (emotionally or financially) than they can afford to spare.

Flowers for you, OP.

Hidingtonothing · 06/09/2017 18:16

hurt I totally understand why you're doing it but it sounds like you're putting everyone else's feelings before your own. You're worrying about the repercussions on him and your mum at the expense of you getting the support you need right now.

I know the thought of telling someone is horrific, it will make it real and I get why you don't want to do that but you shouldn't be going through this alone. I waited 3 years to tell someone and I can see now how much damage I did to myself during that time, it affected the choices I made hugely and I ended up even more traumatised. Telling someone is the starting point for coming to terms with what's happened and keeping it bottled up inside will make that road even longer and harder.

If you can't tell your mum is there someone slightly more removed you could talk to? A friend who will be less affected by the fallout than your mum maybe? I really wish you would get checked out physically too, I'm worried about you Flowers

JigglyTuff · 06/09/2017 22:26

At 9 months, your supply should be well-established enough for that to be fine.

0ccamsRazor · 07/09/2017 08:34

Do not worry about your great milk supply, just keep offering your baby your breast and your supply will go back to normal.

If you are experiencing any problems taking fenugreek can increase supply.

Original poster
hurtandshocked · 07/09/2017 09:26

Thank you

I was more thinking In the future that I know he would want to have the girls overnight. He already has them Saturdays while I work. I love the idea of having a night off occasionally.

I feel quite less sore today which is good. He came round and talked last night. He is shocked that that was what happened. His version of events were that he tried and I said it hurt and stop and then he rolled over and that was the end of it. I don't know if he's telling the truth. But it doesn't matter. He has a lot of issues from his childhood and I have pushed for 4 years for him to get help and not let his past poison him anymore. And I just can't do that anymore. It's too little too late. He can promise the world and he can promise he will get help and learn to deal with emotions and stress healthily, but I'm so tired of being the one hurt because of his issues.

I am entirely financially dependent on him. I also have a tendency to be lazy in regards to house. I need to learn how to be independent. I need to learn how to keep on top of the house and I need to sort out not needing him for a roof over our heads and food on our table.

I don't even know where to start.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 07/09/2017 12:48

"His version of events were that he tried and I said it hurt and stop and then he rolled over and that was the end of it. I don't know if he's telling the truth. "
^
Wait, is he now telling you that it never happened????^ You know that's not the truth!!

You need to tell someone and start making plans to get out.

couchparsnip · 07/09/2017 12:54

He didnt listen to you at the time. Even if he actually believes his version it means he disregarded the times you said no, it hurts and stop and has since forgotten them. What you were feeling and saying wasnt important to him and your consent wasn't required. Don't let him do that to you again

Original poster
hurtandshocked · 07/09/2017 15:35

I have told him that I know my version is true and that if he is claiming he doesn't recall any of that then it's almost worse than if he just got carried away as he obviously had a psychotic black out that can hurt people like that.

I've spent the last 4 hours at the council office and finally managed to submit a claim for housing benefit and income support. I've calculated child maintenance and I think I can just make it work. If I'm lucky and my claims are accepted.

He isn't living here now. I packed his stuff yesterday and he came and got it. He has promised to pay the rent, but I don't want to be beholden to him in any way. If I can sort out everything officially and make sure that I'm not at risk of losing my home then he can offer whatever money he wants and it can go to the children and in a savings account for them.

I haven't told anyone. Except mumsnet. The thought makes me want to die. I have pushed it to the back of my mind and I'm ignoring it. I know that isn't healthy. But right now I am too overwhelmed to breathe.

OP posts:
DontbouncelikeIdid · 07/09/2017 16:58

Brilliant stuff, well done you! You can do this, one step at a time. We are all behind you. Once you get sorted your life will be so much easier without this loser in it. I suspect you will find that you can cope, far better than you think.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/09/2017 17:21

Good on you kicking him out! Do what you need to do now to get finances settled and getting a new routine. But do consider trauma counseling once you get things a bit more settled.

BUT, although I understand your desire to be financially independent (and I agree with it wholeheartedly), don't refuse money if he offers it. Take it and either use it to meet current needs or set aside for a rainy day fund. You are not 'beholden' to him in any way if you accept money. Quite the reverse! He owes you a huge, everlasting debt of remorse and restitution. So let any contribution be accepted as a 'partial payment' of a debt he will never, ever be able to repay. Just be clear to him that accepting the money does NOT expiate his guilt or responsibility. It is being accepted for the welfare of your DC exclusively!

Hidingtonothing · 07/09/2017 17:42

I reckon you'll cope better than you think too hurt, you've achieved a massive amount already and the rest can come a bit at a time, you don't have to do it all at once.

I get the 'ignoring it' thing, I really do and maybe it is the best thing for now, it might just be overload to try to deal with it right now on top of everything else that's happening. All I will say is that you won't be able to ignore it forever, these things have a way of festering and can massively affect your life if you keep pushing your feelings down. There's support out there when you're ready and you can PM me anytime if I can help at all.

Keep talking to us if it helps, I still wish you would tell someone in RL but we'll do our best to fill the gap if you'll let us Flowers

Original poster
hurtandshocked · 07/09/2017 20:59

I just can't face telling someone. Because I more I think about it and the more I think of the words to say what happened...it sounds so bad. I can't believe there is a part of me that still thinks it wasn't that bad and I must be over exaggerating. And another part of me has skin crawling and feels confused and ashamed that something was done to me that I didn't want 😞.

I am the most confident and mouthy person and I am so vocal about any problems and I'm not ashamed about my mental health issues I've had and why do I feel ashamed? Why do I feel dirty and wrong...

OP posts:
Original poster
hurtandshocked · 07/09/2017 21:00

I'm sorry I'm so dramatic.

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 07/09/2017 23:18

You're not dramatic hurt, your feelings are totally understandable and 'normal', if there is such a thing in these circumstances. I know you're not ready yet but talking to someone like Rape Crisis could help you start to make sense of how you're feeling, just so you know there is help when you do feel able to talk about it.

The minimising it in your own mind is your brain's way of trying to protect you I think, it's a huge mental trauma as well as the physical side, especially when it was someone you trusted. You will swing between trying to convince yourself it 'wasn't that bad' and just feeling totally violated, it's horrendous and that's why I keep saying I'm concerned you have no support in RL. If I was your friend I would want to support you, I just wish there was someone you felt you could tell.