Misunderstanding or did he ignore me?

[hurtandshocked]

I don't even know where to start.

My partner and I have always had quite rough sex. Rarely I will be in the mood for anal and whilst he doesn't pester for it, he will ask during sex and I will say yes or no. We like trying new things and the rule is, if I say stop he stops.

That's always been fine and we've not had issues before.

I initiated sex tonight and half way through, he said he was going to do anal. I said maybe but he would need to find the lube as obviously it needs lots of lube to make it enjoyable, and even then, sometimes I'm not in the mood or the right frame of mind, and he said something but I don't remember what. He then tried to put it in and I said no, he then went back to vaginal sex and then tried again. It went in and after a few seconds I said no it hurts and he carried on. And I said no deeper and he said 'I need to go deeper' and to touch myself and then it would feel better.
Again after a few minutes I said no it hurts and to stop. And 'stop' has always been our 'word' to stop. No isn't as sometimes it's part of our role play. But 'stop' has always meant stop. And he didn't stop and I reached behind and pushed him back and he moved my hand and then carried on harder. And I don't know why i didn't just say 'get the fuck off me. I said stop!'. I managed to push him off after another minute or two and he said 'ok do you want to be on top?' And I just sort of started shaking and rolled over and shut down and cried. He then started shaking me and asking what was wrong and what was the matter and I just couldn't open my mouth. My mind was just thinking 'I said stop and you said I'm not going to stop'. A part of me knows that he got the wrong end of the stick and didn't intentionally hurt and scare me but the rest of me is upset and shaken that I couldn't seem to get my head together to get him off and let him know I was serious. I'm so confused because he has always stopped it I said so!

He has said he didn't realise I wasn't into it and he got carried away and he would never ever hurt me like that. But I can't help feel like why would he think that the word stop suddenly didn't mean it anymore?

I feel a bit shaken and I don't know where to put myself. I know he wouldn't hurt me but at the same time, whether or not it was intentional, he did hurt me.

Somebody tell me to stop being silly and it's just a misunderstanding

Tell people you kicked him out for the gambling and lying, if you don't want them knowing the latest horror. He's lying again so it's half true and he gambled that he could rape you and pretend it didn't happen and you'd still not get rid of him, maybe because the gambling situation made him think he could get away with anything he wanted.

No one owes anyone an explanation for a breakup. All one has to say is "XXX and I have split up". If someone asks why you just say "I'd really prefer not to discuss it". Most people will drop the subject. Anyone rude enough to persist deserves a rude reply : "I said I don't want to talk about it, now can we move on?".

hurtandshocked It seems that this incident was the straw that broke the camels back!

No decent man would have done that to you.

I'm gladdened to hear that you have taken a course of action to make your and the child's life better, stick to it and I'm sure you'll get the fantastic support that MN can offer.

Please take care of yourself now:-)

I'm just terrified that I won't be able to get any help and I'll have to move back in with my parents and as selfish as that sounds, I really don't want to do that. Last night was the first time Ive been alone in the house over night. I'm a parent for gods sake. I have two children. I can be alone in the house!

All my family are so shocked and just don't understand what has happened. They know about the gambling and know that I was taking control of all finances and he was sorting out counselling. They new that I was working towards forgiveness. So they are all very confused over why I am suddenly done. I have a tendency to be dramatic and intense so they all assume I'm just having a tantrum or something. I have a friend i could tell. But I can't. Because he would do something. I don't know what he would do but I know damn well he wouldn't just let nothing happen. And I doubt what he did would be legal.

My mum is telling me she knows I can do this. She knows I can do it alone and be independent. I may be lazy but I am strong willed and I won't fail at this.

I am much less sore today, only feel very very slightly tender which is helping to push it out of my mind. I feel like I have put myself on autopilot so I don't have to deal with the pain and shock. And I know that the time will come when I have to take it out and deal with it. I just hope I'm able to do it without losing it.

My sister is constantly calling and texting me to check I'm ok and ask if I need help or want her to come round. Usually I am calling her or texting her all the time and I haven't initiated any contact in 2 days so she is worrying even more. I feel like I'm letting them all down. I feel like I owe it to them to be happy and not to take someone out of their lives that they all love.

I have the number for rape crisis. I can't possibly imagine what I would say. I'm scared they will tell me that it doesn't count and to stop attention seeking.

I can guarantee they won't hurt, it has to be in your own time though, only you know what you can handle and when. Sounds stupid but could you 'try out' telling someone by ringing the Samaritans? IME they don't tend to say much, their purpose is to listen so maybe telling them, when you know you won't get a massive reaction back, might be a good first step? Just a thought, hope you don't think it's a stupid idea

."Because he would do something. I don't know what he would do but I know damn well he wouldn't just let nothing happen. And I doubt what he did would be legal."

What do you mean by this? Are you saying that you fear he would hurt you in some way? Mess with finances? Spread ugly stories?

No I mean my friend. If I told him, he would do something to my ex.

You are not responsible for his behaviour or his actions. Threatening to commit suicide is a typical controlling action and is very revealing. He is telling you who he is over and over again with his minimising, threats, gaslighting and guilt tripping. This is classic coercive behaviour. I understand how difficult it is to leave a bad relationship but the turmoil doesn't last forever. Whereas there is no end to suffering when you're in a bad relationship. Not believing in your ability to cope or feeling afraid of how you or your son will manage is not a reason to stay in this. Your self-esteem will become even lower and it becomes more difficult to leave long term. You never know your own strength until you draw on it. This relationship is no good for you and I say that even if I don't take the rape into account.

I would just practice ringing Rape Crisis. Pick up the phone and dial their number. You could just read out your OP if you can't find the words.

You can do this.

He abused the finances for his own pleasure and so you took the control of them away from him.

He is finding new ways to extert control. New ways to not let you be in control.

It was a deliberate and sustained attack. He even told you he was going to do it beforehand.

I reckon you are in for more of the same and worse if you let him back.

There must be other living arrangements that work. Why do you think you would have to go to your parents?

I have a property that we rent privately. But as a sahm, I can't pay the rent. I spoke to the council and they advised that if I leave the property I am making myself 'voluntarily homeless' in which case I can't go on the housing register. And my only option is to apply for housing benefit and if I am accepted, then my landlord will then have to accept or refuse and ask me to leave, and If she refuses, I can then go on the housing register.

It's just a lot of stress and I hate the thought of not being able to pay the rent. And having to rely on the government. But I also don't want to go back to my parents. There's no space for me and my girls and I know It will just be harder for me too.

It's no fun dealing with benefits, council for housing etc but stick with it, if you can just get through the initial process it will be worth it and this is exactly what benefits are for, to help get you on your feet again. A secure tenancy is worth its weight in gold imo so it's worth following their advice even if it feels like jumping through hoops for a while. Having said all that have you done benefit and CMS calculations yet? You might be surprised by what's possible once it's all sorted out.

I've done the online calculators and
I'm really surprised by what it says I might be entitled to. It's a bit sad because it is more than what we both earned when working full time in minimum wage jobs. Which makes me feel guilty.

If my claims are accepted, I should be ok. But even if they are rejected, I will go on the housing register and whatever happens, it will be ok. I've just got to keep telling myself that. He has the children tomorrow as originally planned as I was going to go see a friend for a few hours. I have no idea how I'm going to cope without them. A part of me is looking forward to the time off from being ok. A part of me is scared that I'll break down.

I worry that if I call rape crisis, I will accept it. And if I accept it, I might scream and shout and throw things and hit him and refuse to let him see the children. I'm worried that I'll cause more problems

Your landlord doesn't need to know your ire applying for housing benefit. What kind of tenancy agreement do you have?

It was originally through a letting agent for 1 year and it finished a few months ago and we now have a private agreement.

Are you on a fixed or periodic tenancy? If fixed that could be difficult when it comes to renew but you could just request a periodic rather than a new fixed. If it's periodic already then don't worry. You may want to tell your landlord that he's moved out but you don't have to and you don't have to tell him you are claiming housing benefit.

It's a periodic. I'm really hoping that it can all happen smoothly and no fuss because I love my home. It's on the same road as my parents and 5 minutes from town and 5 minutes from nursery. I couldn't bear to move

Just in case anyone is interested. We've told the 3 year old that daddy has moved out and she's taken it really well.

I've also promised myself that I will call my gp tomorrow and sort out some counselling. I feel emotionally like stone, and that isn't something I want to be. Just not sure how to go forward with being ok with opening the door of emotions.

GP is a good first step. Just take it one step at a time. It is OK to lose it sometimes if you need to!

for you OP, you are doing amazing. I am so sorry this happened to you.

I am struck by how much responsibility you are taking on board for everything; everyone's feelings, all the fall-out, all the repercussions. Do you think your ex is taking any? Do you think he should? I do. Some of your psychological burden should rightfully be his.

You are worrying whether your claims for Income Support and Housing Benefit will be accepted. If you are British (or have a right to remain) and have less than £16k in savings you will be eligible. It is not at the discretion of the Council or DWP to turn you down. These are means-tested benefits so if your household income does not reach the minimum that the government says you need to live on, you will be entitled. I know a bit about them as I work in local government, so ask away if it would help.

You are doing incredibly well op

It a good idea to contact the GP - I hope it goes well and they are able to provide you with some support/counselling

Jesus op reading this is grim. What makes you think you matter so little to other people that you have no right to your own feelings and autonomy?
Your family knows something has hurt you terribly because they know you. They are not saying how dare you I demand you take him back. No, they are all saying I know you can do this alone. They are encouraging you to stand without him. Those aren't the actions of people reacting as you put it to you taking someone they love away from them. They are the actions of people who want what's best for you and know something's not right.
Pp are correct, your entire relationship has been one of control. He gambled, you regained control of your life and ended the relationship. He threatened suicide and took away your voice. He gambled, you took control of the finances and he responds by exerting the most horrific act of control over you and your body. He took away your bodily autonomy because his threat to hurt himself was no longer enough to control you. He told you he was going to do it and ignored all attempts by you, not only to make it less painful but to stop at all. He intended to hurt you to re-establish his control.

He wants you to treat each thing as a separate issue because he doesn't want you to put the pieces together and realise he was using this chaos to control you.

If you have any doubt refer yourself back to his version of events, he is trying to gaslight you by telling you, his version is valid and yours is not and his claims you are over reacting is another attempt to discredit you. For these actions to be having the impact they are he must have used similar tactics in other areas of your relationship to over ride your wishes when he has done something that goes against your boundaries.
The ambivalence you feel is your natural, justified reaction fighting against the way he has been conditioning you to react.
If a friend was telling you this, not only would you be supporting them in ending the relationship, but you would helping them to access counselling, tell their families and consider reporting him to the police. Yet you are claiming you are being over dramatic.

Op, you aren't being dramatic enough.

You family are worried about you, please let them in. You don't have to give them gory details, just tell them he has crossed a line that should never be crossed. They want to help, they can tell you are in pain even if you can't admit it to yourself.

Please tell someone the whole story, you don't need to do anything more about it, but you can't bury it no matter how much you want to. He chose to do all of these things.
You consented to sex, not to be bruised, hurt and have your will ignored. This is not your fault. He broke his promise as I am sure he broke many others but this was a much more intimate trust he broke. The fact that he can't tell the difference and is trying his usual tactics of trying to gaslight you and minimise is very worrying and says he doesn't value you as an autonomous person in any way.

If you look back op, there will be many of your boundaries he has ignored, pushed through and got you to minimise the impact of. That's why it seems such a shock to you. You can never trust him again, no matter what he says or threatens. If he threatens suicide inform the police and leave it to them, it is just another attempt to control you.

Best wishes, you can do this.

Op, I have been following this thread and am so pleased that he has left, I did not think at the beginning you would have the courage to do it as you were in such shock, but you are very brave and you have done the right thing.

Have you told your family and friends now? Are you being supported?

You have been through a horrible ordeal, but you can recover now, and with your family around you this will make it much easier. Big hugs you are an inspiration to everyone.

Thank you for thinking of me.

I feel like I've fucked myself over so badly.

I spent so long covering up for him and not confiding in my family when he did or said horrible things, that now I think it's too late to drag up something he said 4 years ago that still hurts me or all the other little things that have come rushing back. I feel like I've suppressed all the nasty shit he did and said.

In regards to what happened the other day. I actually feel like I've made it up. Doesn't feel real. I do think i made it sound worse than it was and it's not even bothering me.

But I can't help but hurt that I gave him everything. I would have done anything for him. I gave him all of myself utterly and completely and he took it for nothing. I meant absolutely less than fuck all to him.

And my stupid idiot self is STILL feeling sorry for him and how he must be missing the children and his home and I hope he's ok at work and not too stressed and eating properly.

I am an absolute joke. And I hate myself more than I hate him.

And my children! He's taken away their future! Everything he promised and we wanted for them. He has taken that away for the sake of some fucking gambling.

He has said that he will only go to counselling and sort himself out if there is a possibility that one day we might be able to make it work again.

And I told him he needed to do it for his children. And he is saying he is doing it for me. And I've let him think that one day, it might work out. So the kids don't have a bloody waste for a father.

And I'm sitting here feeling guilty that he bought me chocolate the other day and I'm not fucking grateful