Misunderstanding or did he ignore me?

[hurtandshocked]

I don't even know where to start.

My partner and I have always had quite rough sex. Rarely I will be in the mood for anal and whilst he doesn't pester for it, he will ask during sex and I will say yes or no. We like trying new things and the rule is, if I say stop he stops.

That's always been fine and we've not had issues before.

I initiated sex tonight and half way through, he said he was going to do anal. I said maybe but he would need to find the lube as obviously it needs lots of lube to make it enjoyable, and even then, sometimes I'm not in the mood or the right frame of mind, and he said something but I don't remember what. He then tried to put it in and I said no, he then went back to vaginal sex and then tried again. It went in and after a few seconds I said no it hurts and he carried on. And I said no deeper and he said 'I need to go deeper' and to touch myself and then it would feel better.
Again after a few minutes I said no it hurts and to stop. And 'stop' has always been our 'word' to stop. No isn't as sometimes it's part of our role play. But 'stop' has always meant stop. And he didn't stop and I reached behind and pushed him back and he moved my hand and then carried on harder. And I don't know why i didn't just say 'get the fuck off me. I said stop!'. I managed to push him off after another minute or two and he said 'ok do you want to be on top?' And I just sort of started shaking and rolled over and shut down and cried. He then started shaking me and asking what was wrong and what was the matter and I just couldn't open my mouth. My mind was just thinking 'I said stop and you said I'm not going to stop'. A part of me knows that he got the wrong end of the stick and didn't intentionally hurt and scare me but the rest of me is upset and shaken that I couldn't seem to get my head together to get him off and let him know I was serious. I'm so confused because he has always stopped it I said so!

He has said he didn't realise I wasn't into it and he got carried away and he would never ever hurt me like that. But I can't help feel like why would he think that the word stop suddenly didn't mean it anymore?

I feel a bit shaken and I don't know where to put myself. I know he wouldn't hurt me but at the same time, whether or not it was intentional, he did hurt me.

Somebody tell me to stop being silly and it's just a misunderstanding

You have been raped.
The shock, numbness and complete disbelief and all of your emotions processing this awful violation by someone you thought loved you.
Can I suggest you call a friend or someone close you to talk to about this?
Just because he is your dp and you initiated relations when a man is told to stop, he stops, anything else is rape.
I feel for you, so sorry this happened to you.

I've reported the victim blaming comment

Quitelikely

Fuck of cunt

Thank you for reporting. Truly disgusting on a thread like this.
Op, please call someone ignore the idiots. You need to stop. Leaning yourself, you need some space to think things through and comforting support.

Leaning - blaming

Well said!!

You are bound to be confused. Applying the word rape to the actions of someone we love and who previously had our needs as priority is horrible and very very difficult to do.

But pp is right, read back the words they lifted from your op. It's pretty grim reading

The OP communicated loud and clear. It is NOT her fault that her partner ignore her and raped her.

I am reporting you as well quite likely.
During rape many women are frozen by fear and disbelief. This a proven and well understood reaction. This is not helping or supportive in any way.

Quite likely, it seems you feel you are helping, you're not. Please leave this one alone out if respect for the op. There is loads written about why people don't use the techniques you suggest, it might be a good idea to read them before you try to help some more. It's genuinely not that simple.

He said 'you did say stop. And I don't know why in my mind I didn't think you meant it as 'stop'

So he does know you told him to stop. He just decided to ignore you.

And now I feel like it's my fault for sometimes liking sex rougher than normal, and I initiated sex.

NO. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. NONE of this is your fault.

Your husband raped you. You asked him several times to stop, and he didn't.

Now quitelikely has fucked off can we all take a moment and ASK op how she is? How are you feeling now? Are you ok? We are all here for you.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP. Just so you can be absolutely clear that you are not over reacting, and this was rape, here is the legal definition of rape

"A person (A) commits an offence if—
(a)he intentionally penetrates the vagina, anus or mouth of another person (B) with his penis,
(b)B does not consent to the penetration, and
(c)A does not reasonably believe that B consents."

However sorry your DP is now, that is what he did last night. You are not overreacting. What you are feeling now is a natural and normal reaction to something horrible that has been done to you, by a person you thought you could trust. Keep safe and be kind to yourself while you work out what you want to do next.

I just read the thread where the OP hasn't decided what to do yet and said and that in the evenings she has slipped back into playing happy families and the thought of that makes me feel violently sick so I've told him I don't want to be with him anymore.

He has said I can keep the flat and he will continue to pay the rent so me and the kids can stay here.

He is genuinely shocked at thinks in being dramatic. But he doesn't seem to understand that he can't run on impulse.

I made a thread under a different name a few weeks back about his gambling problem and the constant lying. He is adamant that it's not who he is. But I can't help but feel that he may have the best intentions in the world but he has no impulse control, and I don't want to be the one getting hurt for the best 60 years.

Ahh op it was clear that he's abusive in other ways. Have you ever sought advice from women's aid?

You are stronger and braver than you realise OP, I think you've made a very wise decision and you've completely got the measure of this man. Be prepared for any 'generous' offers he makes just now about paying rent etc to be withdrawn once he realises you're not going to change your mind, have a contingency plan ready. Please get some RL support, I don't like to think of you going through this alone

Op you can not trust him at all now, he is not your friend.

Make sure that you keep copies of all finances, morgage, savings, pensions.

Make sure that you document what happened to you and get a paper trail sorted. So woman's aid, gp (regferal for counselling), a check over re your h trying to penetrate you vaginally after anally and the possible cross contamination of bacteria.

See every solicitor you can in your area that do a half hour free consultation, you will need one that you can feel trust and understanding with. Check them all out.

Let the children's school, nursery, hv if they are still young know what is going on so that they can support your children.

Keep all communication with him in email only if at all possible, emails can be used as legal documents.

If he harasses you, ramps up any abuse speak to the police, get a case reference number and keep it up dated. Phone emergency police if you feel that you are at risk of harm.

op

Like a true idiot I have apologised for not wanting to be with him. Why did I do that?! Why do I feel bad?!

He is trying to minimise my feelings and saying I'm overreacting and the gambling is a separate issue that should be dealt with separately. I'll be damned if I'm going to have him tell me that he deserves more forgiveness.

TMI but I've just been to the toilet and I'm in a lot of pain at the back. Is it possible that there is damage or something? I feel very bruised.

I hate this. I just want to sleep and cry and how am I going to tell me 3 year old that daddy isn't going to live here anymore.

I've never been very good at being independent. My mum has always looked after me and then he has. I need to learn how to be ok with being alone. I'm prettified but I have to do it for my girls. I don't even know where to start.

Yes he could definitely have damaged you since he anally raped you and the tissues of the anus are very delicate. Is there bleeding?

No mortgage or anything. We aren't married. Rent is private and on a month to month private basis. None of his debts are in my name though which I'm glad of. I always made sure that they were not to do with me and I wasn't liable for them. My 3 year old goes back to nursery tomorrow. It's only 3 sessions of 3 hours a week. But she loves it and it's time just for me and the baby.

In a lot of ways I'm lucky that we have no financial or legal ties to each other. But at the same time, I have nothing. I have a breastfed baby and a 1 day a week job that pays minimum wage. I have no idea where to start. Luckily I have a months rent paid and a freezer and cupboards full of food. I have time to sort it out.

Sweetheart do think about consulting your GP if the pain continues. You might have sustained an injury.

I'm so sorry. I believe you.

None of this would have happened if I hadn't initiated last night. If I had just gone to sleep, it would all be ok.

No. He's a rapist. You didn't cause this.
If it hadn't happened last night it would have happened another time.

Last time I told him I didn't want to be with him he disappeared for a day and told me he was going to jump off a bridge. What if he kills himself? He has no family or any support network. What if me leaving sends him over the edge. Why couldn't he just be the person he promised he was.

He won't kill himself.

Threatening suicide is actually a technique that is often used by abusers to exert control / make their victims feel guilty. Whatever he chooses to do is his responsibility, not yours.