Misunderstanding or did he ignore me?

[hurtandshocked]

I don't even know where to start.

My partner and I have always had quite rough sex. Rarely I will be in the mood for anal and whilst he doesn't pester for it, he will ask during sex and I will say yes or no. We like trying new things and the rule is, if I say stop he stops.

That's always been fine and we've not had issues before.

I initiated sex tonight and half way through, he said he was going to do anal. I said maybe but he would need to find the lube as obviously it needs lots of lube to make it enjoyable, and even then, sometimes I'm not in the mood or the right frame of mind, and he said something but I don't remember what. He then tried to put it in and I said no, he then went back to vaginal sex and then tried again. It went in and after a few seconds I said no it hurts and he carried on. And I said no deeper and he said 'I need to go deeper' and to touch myself and then it would feel better.
Again after a few minutes I said no it hurts and to stop. And 'stop' has always been our 'word' to stop. No isn't as sometimes it's part of our role play. But 'stop' has always meant stop. And he didn't stop and I reached behind and pushed him back and he moved my hand and then carried on harder. And I don't know why i didn't just say 'get the fuck off me. I said stop!'. I managed to push him off after another minute or two and he said 'ok do you want to be on top?' And I just sort of started shaking and rolled over and shut down and cried. He then started shaking me and asking what was wrong and what was the matter and I just couldn't open my mouth. My mind was just thinking 'I said stop and you said I'm not going to stop'. A part of me knows that he got the wrong end of the stick and didn't intentionally hurt and scare me but the rest of me is upset and shaken that I couldn't seem to get my head together to get him off and let him know I was serious. I'm so confused because he has always stopped it I said so!

He has said he didn't realise I wasn't into it and he got carried away and he would never ever hurt me like that. But I can't help feel like why would he think that the word stop suddenly didn't mean it anymore?

I feel a bit shaken and I don't know where to put myself. I know he wouldn't hurt me but at the same time, whether or not it was intentional, he did hurt me.

Somebody tell me to stop being silly and it's just a misunderstanding

Sorry - I’ve replied to wrong thread

He has said that he will only go to counselling and sort himself out if there is a possibility that one day we might be able to make it work again

Read that back to yourself.

He has said that he will only go to counselling and sort himself out if there is a possibility that one day we might be able to make it work again

Again more control. Laying the responsibility for his actions and his problems at your feet.

Once again, you haven't fucked up. He did.
He flushed your future together as partners and as a family away because he valued gambling and control over those relationships. This is his problem and you cannot fix him. Read your quote of his words again, he doesn't actually want to be fixed, does he?

He wants you to go back to being passive in all areas of life and let him do exactly what he wants, no matter the harm it causes.

Oh love - I'm so sorry he's still in denial. That must be hugely painful. I'm so proud that you're being so strong. That's really doing his head in, I'm sure. He's used to you rolling over and doing what he tells you

He doesn't think there is anything wrong with himself or his behaviour.

He is using counselling as a bargaining chip. If he genuinely thought he needed help he wouldn't use it like that.

It's a thing to say to bring you into line.

Cock.

As others have said, classic line of an abuser. He doesn't think he's doing anything wrong but he's prepared to use what he thinks you want to bring you back in line.

It is not your responsibility to make him a decent human being. You are not responsible for his actions, his choices or his crap.

If he's not man enough to be a good father nothing you do, say or promise will change that. Ever.

Good fathers, like any good person, do what is right simply because it is right. Not because they have someone cowering at their feet hoping to make them do right by their own flesh and blood. Do yourself a favour and keep being the mum your kids need because you cannot (however much you want to) force him to be the dad they need.

You are an exceptionally strong person (however you may feel at the moment) don't fall at this last hurdle, his last ditch attempt to bring you to heel.

I spent so long covering up for him and not confiding in my family when he did or said horrible things, that now I think it's too late to drag up something he said 4 years ago that still hurts me or all the other little things that have come rushing back. I feel like I've suppressed all the nasty shit he did and said.

It's never too late. My parents had absolutely no idea my 1st husband was abusive. It came as a huge shock to them and I only told them the half of it. So do tell your family why you have split and be honest. You don't have to give them a blow by blow account of the last 4 years, just a 'snapshot'. You don't have to justify the split to the extent of telling every little thing. And you probably have suppressed a good deal of it. There were things that happened in my 1st marriage that I only remembered through counseling

In regards to what happened the other day. I actually feel like I've made it up. Doesn't feel real. I do think i made it sound worse than it was and it's not even bothering me.

Your mind is protecting you by trying to blur and minimize. But it did happen. You didn't make it up and you certainly did NOT make it sound worse than it was!!

But I can't help but hurt that I gave him everything. I would have done anything for him. I gave him all of myself utterly and completely and he took it for nothing. I meant absolutely less than fuck all to him.

This is a painful truth. In time, it will become less painful and you will become angry rather than hurt. It won't be today or even tomorrow, but it will happen.

And my stupid idiot self is STILL feeling sorry for him and how he must be missing the children and his home and I hope he's ok at work and not too stressed and eating properly.

Kick yourself. No, not really. Again this will fade. Just try to separate that feeling from any decisions you must make regarding child access/maintenance and anything he asks of you. Don't cave to him or make a decision based on pity. To be sure, he has no pity for you and your feelings wouldn't enter into his decisions. If he asks you for something or to do something, stop! Say "I'll have to think about that" and give yourself time to really think about what is best for YOU. No snap decisions where he is concerned!

I am an absolute joke. And I hate myself more than I hate him.

You are NOT . And you don't. It's just that right now it's easier to hate yourself. That's because building up hate for him would require you to think about all the shitty things he's said and done to you and right now that's so painful for you. Please be kind to yourself. You deserve kindness and peace. And you will have it. It'll just take some time and some effort. Right now you don't think you have enough energy, but you will.