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Original poster

Don't know what to do- boyfriend and kids

108 replies

Dontknowwhattodonowok · 04/09/2017 06:32

My boyfriend of 8 years + last night dropped the bombshell he doesn't think he sees children in his future.

We have been together since university. I was just about to move in with him after working abroad. Previously he has always said that he wants them, and as recently as a few weeks ago was talking to me about them and stated that we could "have a baby now if you wanted to".

Kids are a non-negotiable for me. I cannot imagine my future without them. But I'm also aware walking away from someone who I love deeply to find someone else who might want to have kids is a scary prospect. Terrifying in fact. Our life otherwise is brilliant and he makes me so happy. I've now had to put a halt to moving in as I don't think I can move in with him now.

We have been together so long. I'm 31 now and feel like my life is slipping away. I never felt so low as I did last night and although we've not decided anything yet, I don't think his feelings re children will change overnight. So sad. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Gorgosparta · 04/09/2017 06:41

Its awful and sad. But this is a non negotiable.

Even is he changes his mind instead of losing you, would you want kids with someone who doesnt really want them. He just didnt want to loose you, so had them anyway?

Has he said whats changed his mind? Has he felt like this all along and just strung you along?

magoria · 04/09/2017 06:41

At least you know now.

The sooner you may the break the sooner you start to heal and move on.

You will end up resentful if you stay.

Believeitornot · 04/09/2017 06:43

Split up and find someone compatible.

Original poster
Dontknowwhattodonowok · 04/09/2017 06:43

@gorgosparta he was never really very pro kids but always when we talked about it would be open to idea I.e saying things like "when we have kids". I believe he never wanted them all along but went along with what I wanted to make me happy.

OP posts:
Hallomiaddicted · 04/09/2017 06:45

You are still young. Get rid and find someone with the same wants as yourself.

jeaux90 · 04/09/2017 06:47

There is no negotiation on this so the only way forward is to split I'm sorry to say.

Your life slipping away? No. you have plenty of time. I didn't have my daughter until 37.

It's hard to walk away from someone you love but you don't have the same objectives in life. You'll be sad for a while but focus on friends, family, your career and you for a while. Then after a little time you'll feel ok about moving on.

INeedNewShoes · 04/09/2017 06:48

I do think this is one thing that can't be negotiated as it's such a huge thing that it's not right for either party to compromise on.

What a sad situation to be in, but don't panic - plenty of women have children in their mid-late thirties quite happily.

bonzo77 · 04/09/2017 06:59

Get rid. If you stay longer nothing will change. Except your age and resentment. You've got plenty of time. I was newly single at 30 after a 7 year relationship. Married at 31 and first baby 9 months later at 32.

Gorgosparta · 04/09/2017 06:59

I believe he never wanted them all along but went along with what I wanted to make me happy.

He strung you along. Thats not ok. He shpuld have been open about it. But i do also get it. Is suppose some people think they will come round to the idea eventually, assuming its because they arent ready yet.

But he should have been more open.

Thats gone though now. You want kids. He doesnt. You need to end this and move on. You are still young. However if you spend a few years waiting to see if he changes his mind, it could end up not happening for you.

I know someone who stayed with her dh hoping he would change his mind. He didnt. She did her vest to accept it and move on. At 45 her dh left her and within 3 years, he was married again and had a baby.

She didnt have kids. She has never got over that pain.

lunar1 · 04/09/2017 07:02

End it, to be blunt, you have a timer he doesn't. He can change his mind and still have children in 20 years. Can you imagine the pain it would cause you if he did that.

PastaOfMuppets · 04/09/2017 07:17

Happened to me but he was also my fiancé - announced no marriage or kids but wanted to stay together.
Ending it was hard, no use in lying! It was hard but I am so glad.
Met my now-DH only a few months later. Currently pregnant with DC2. Only five years ago was with my ex.
Things are right with the right guy. Flowers

Whocansay · 04/09/2017 07:35

You do know what to do. This will never work and he is not going to change his mind - at least not with you.

This must be very difficult for you, but at least he's being honest now. Halt your plans to move in with him and move one. It's easier to do it now than when you start to tangle finances. Find someone new who has the same life goals.

You should cut him out of your life though. No pretence of being friends, or it will much harder for you to move on. Good luck.

Original poster
Dontknowwhattodonowok · 04/09/2017 07:55

It just feels so, so hard. I feel like it would be easier if I could be angry with him or hate him, but I don't. We love each other so much but he obviously just felt he could never be honest with me. I've wasted so much time on him but I still can't be angry with him.

We have no joint finances but our families are incredibly close and when my Dad died he was there with me. It feels like saying goodbye is so much more than just a relationship- he has been my entire life for the last 9 years.

OP posts:
0ccamsRazor · 04/09/2017 07:56

Op it may be a good idea to have some of your healthy eggs frozen and stored, just in case you get to 35/40+ and are in a position to have children but face fertility issues.

I know a few women that due to situations similar to yours have had fertility issues and have had to go down the ivf/egg donor route, due to age degraded eggs.

I hope that you can heal from such a betrayal, he really should have been more honest with you.

Timeforabiscuit · 04/09/2017 08:01

Please listen to what he is saying, if someone is saying they dont want kids they are not going to make a good father. Dont do yourself a diservice by ignoring.

expatinscotland · 04/09/2017 08:05

'At 45 her dh left her and within 3 years, he was married again and had a baby.'

This. This, this, this, this, this. I'm so glad you don't have shared finances or live with him. I divorced at the age of 30 for this. It was the worst thing at the time, but the best thing I ever did for myself. Had to be done. I remarried and had 3 DCs in my 30s. A clean break wastes less time, so this is what I ended up having to do. Any time it gets hard, think of the above scenario, how you'll feel at 45 when you, having kept him in your life, see him getting married to someone else and having a baby.

This is a dealbreaker.

Don't waste any more time with him. Angry or not, it's over. I'm so sorry, but you can and will move on from this.

justanothernameagain · 04/09/2017 08:05

It is tough at the time but it'll get easier - I split from my ex of 10 years. We did so much together, we knew each other so wel - but he was (and still is) an alcoholic. It was hard when we split, but we got over it and now we're friends. I don't see him often but as we have so many friends in common we run into each other at large events (weddings, signifucant birthdays of mutual friends that kind of thing). We have so much history I am very fond if him. But I feel a sister love towards him now. The relationship feelings are totally gone. That seemed impossible to me when we split. I couldn't imagine life apart. But time moves on. I couldn't imagine being with him now. Wild horses wouldn't take me back there. Funny how much things can change.
You need to do what's right for you

Original poster
Dontknowwhattodonowok · 04/09/2017 08:28

Thank you everyone. Sitting on train into work trying not to cry. I needed to near this but doesn't make it any easier.

OP posts:
fruitlovingmonkey · 04/09/2017 08:40

Sorry to be blunt but perhaps he just doesn't want to have kids with you.
It seems strange that he would go along with the idea for years and then suddenly change his mind. Like PPs I would expect him to meet someone else and have a child fairly quickly.
Keep this in mind when you are feeling sad about ending it.
You are still young and this relationship has been good experience rather than time wasted.

Original poster
Dontknowwhattodonowok · 04/09/2017 08:53

@fruitlovingmonkey this has crossed my mind. But when we were together and younger we never really talked about kids. But the older we've got them more he has been open to them. I'd never describe him as being super pro-kids before this, I always thought he would need a bit of a kick into it, but never that he did not want them. The idea of him moving on and having kids with someone else makes me feel sick inside, but aware that it's a genuine possibility.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 04/09/2017 08:55

Just remember, it's much easier than if you lived with him and shared finances. NO moving in together or 'talking things through' (that equals him trying to bamboozle you into doing what he wants and wasting more of your time) or 'thinking about things'. Over. He doesn't want kids. And yy, when you feel weak, picture him with someone else, smiling and saying, 'I have something to tell you. X is pregnant!' Just no. It's not time wasted because now you konw you won't be wasting your time with someone who doesn't want kids.

expatinscotland · 04/09/2017 08:59

'I never felt so low as I did last night and although we've not decided anything yet, I don't think his feelings re children will change overnight. So sad. I just don't know what to do.'

He doesn't get to decide for you. There's no 'we' because he doesn't want kids and you don't want to have kids with someone who has to be talked into them. Do not fall for any claptrap of 'K, I will . . .in a year' or any other stalling strategy. All there is is his not wanting kids (finally telling you, too) and you're wanting them. Feelings don't change overnight, but they will change.

Isetan · 04/09/2017 08:59

I believe he never wanted them all along but went along with what I wanted to make me happy.

The lie was never about making you happy, the dishonesty was a prioritisation of his needs above yours, that's not love. I get that it is difficult saying goodbye to all the positives but he's been lying to you and for all his good points lying to prioritise his needs i a colossal negative.

KERALA1 · 04/09/2017 09:00

There is no man good enough for me to voluntarily forfeit having kids for. If that makes sense.

I had to end with an adored bf at 28 as he was not father material. Very hard at the time. Following year met dh who is 10 times better in every way and we have our gorgeous girls.

Trills · 04/09/2017 09:03

I think it's unfair to assume that everyone who changes their mind has been dishonest.

I don't know which it is in this case, but it's definitely true for some people that they like the idea of children in an abstract future sense (it's what "everyone" does, after all), but the closer they get to the reality of it the more they realise it's not for them.