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Original poster

Don't know what to do- boyfriend and kids

108 replies

Dontknowwhattodonowok · 04/09/2017 06:32

My boyfriend of 8 years + last night dropped the bombshell he doesn't think he sees children in his future.

We have been together since university. I was just about to move in with him after working abroad. Previously he has always said that he wants them, and as recently as a few weeks ago was talking to me about them and stated that we could "have a baby now if you wanted to".

Kids are a non-negotiable for me. I cannot imagine my future without them. But I'm also aware walking away from someone who I love deeply to find someone else who might want to have kids is a scary prospect. Terrifying in fact. Our life otherwise is brilliant and he makes me so happy. I've now had to put a halt to moving in as I don't think I can move in with him now.

We have been together so long. I'm 31 now and feel like my life is slipping away. I never felt so low as I did last night and although we've not decided anything yet, I don't think his feelings re children will change overnight. So sad. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Ttbb · 04/09/2017 19:57

You are 31. If you get out now you will still have time to find someone else. Cut and run.

Captainj1 · 04/09/2017 20:23

You're welcome. 8 years is a long time.
You can't just erase all trace of that from your life and nor should you. But you do need to give each other space to redefine the relationship, including the one you have with his family. My would-be MIL was devastated too. We cried together. You need to move on from the idea you are or will ever be a couple, before you can be friends, or just people that look out for each other.

strongasmeringue · 04/09/2017 20:36

You say you have no family, only child and parents died Sad, if you stay with him you won't have a family of your own.

Original poster
Dontknowwhattodonowok · 04/09/2017 20:44

@strongaameringue do you know what, I've never even thought of it like that. I knew I wanted to be a Mother, to understand my relationship with my Mum more, as died when I was 16. But never ever thought of it like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dontknowwhattodonowok · 04/09/2017 20:45

@captainj1 what you said about your would-be MIL hit home. I can't even imagine not seeing her again, she has been like a surrogate Mum to me. DP's sister has been like a sister to me too, and DP's two nieces are so special to me. I don't think it could be a clean break in that we'd never speak again, but it does worry me I'd never be "free" of him and keep just going back to ostrich mode.

OP posts:
greit · 04/09/2017 21:09

DD will be childless now due to her DH changing his mind about having children. He is with someone else now.

Men come and go OP, you will never regret losing a man in the same way as losing the opportunity to have a family, that's a sadness that lasts forever.

kingfishergreen · 04/09/2017 21:10

I was single, living in a shared house and had no hope of kids at the age of 31.

I met DH when I was 33.

I had DD at 38.

I'm now 39 and looking back, I can still remember how at 31 it felt hopeless, that marriage and kids and a home of my own was something for everyone else, but that would never happen for me.

I was wrong. And you are too. There's plenty of time.

kingfishergreen · 04/09/2017 21:11

And I retained a relationship with exDP's family, we don't see each other often, but we're very fond of each other. ExDP's DM met me for lunch in the week before I got married to tell me how proud she was of me.

It is all possible.

Original poster
Dontknowwhattodonowok · 04/09/2017 21:14

@greit how old is your DD if you don't mind me asking?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dontknowwhattodonowok · 04/09/2017 21:15

@kingfishergreen stories like yours keep me so positive. And also good to know I'm not being too dramatic in kind of feeling like life is over. I know I'll get on with it eventually but right now it does feel utter shit.

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 04/09/2017 21:21

I split up with my bf from uni after 9 years too. Had my first child at 33 and my 4th at 40.. 2 different fathers.

We split up for different reasons but I know quite a few women whose exes didn't want children yet went on to have them with a younger woman when in their 40s. One of my friends met someone else and had a child in her 40s but the others will never have children.

Sukitakeitoff · 04/09/2017 21:21

At 31 it's easy to feel your life should be sorted in many ways - partner, house, plans for kids, career. You feel it's too late to change any of those things, even to start again in a career you might prefer.

It's not! In 15 years' time you'll realise how young 31 is, how it's not too late for change and fresh starts.

Here's to new beginnings Wine

expatinscotland · 04/09/2017 21:24

' I don't think it could be a clean break in that we'd never speak again, but it does worry me I'd never be "free" of him and keep just going back to ostrich mode.'

You have to stop that for you own benefit if you are ever going to have kids. At the very least, establish that the relationship is over and you need to take a break from contact. Use this time to start examining what you want and need and please, please, form new contacts - that's a good idea no matter what.

He can have kids just about anytime forever. You cannot. That's a fact and why you need to make yourself a priority.

Hell, look at Guy Pearce, the actor. Married for years, no kids. Wife too old to have kids now. They ended up split and in months he gets another woman pregnant and all gushy about becoming a dad. Wonder how his ex wife feels.

Original poster
Dontknowwhattodonowok · 04/09/2017 21:28

Thank you @sukitakeitoff Wine

OP posts:
Original poster
Dontknowwhattodonowok · 04/09/2017 21:29

@expatinscotland you're so right. I need to make me a priority, something which I've not done for some time.

OP posts:
lasttimeround · 04/09/2017 21:48

My boyfriend of 10 years broke up with me at 29. It was awful. He had a moving on affair but mainly he didn't want children and marriage and I did. I was devastated. Made worse by fact that I was close to his dad and very integrated in their family. My mother had died 2 years earlier and my family were all far away. It seemed unimaginable to me that we wouldn't be in each others lives. But we aren't and it's ok. I'm 42. Met my husband aged 30. And life and relationship is much better for many many reasons.

lasttimeround · 04/09/2017 21:49

And we have our daughter

3teenageboys · 04/09/2017 22:02

My boyfriend was adamant that he did not want children. He saw no place for them in his life. I was 26 & he was 31. Although young I decided that I did want children & decided to go our different ways☹.

However, he contacted me some weeks later to say that he didn't want us to break up & that if I wanted children then he would go along with it😞.
We are married 25 years & have 3 amazing sons. He is a fantastic father & our boys idolize him.
Time to think may bring him round. My heart goes out to you😔, I still remember the pain I felt.
🌷🌼🌻 xxx

strongasmeringue · 05/09/2017 07:14

Dontknow - my parents were shit. I didn't grew up with them and have no contact. I absolutely dreaded having a girl in case it was like my mother and me. It isn't. It's taken me a very long time to accept my children aren't living the life I had and no I feel stupid for thinking DD and I would be the same as my mother and me. Be prepared that you may understand your parents less after you've had a child of your own. Some choices my mother made are baffling to me.

SenatorBunghole · 05/09/2017 12:09

YY you need to make yourself a priority, and not worry too much over other things. Easy said I know, but it makes no difference to your position now whether he's been fair, dishonest etc or not. You're not doing this to punish or hurt anyone, you're just doing it because you're incompatible. Yes, you're going to feel a bit shit for a while. But that doesn't actually have anything to do with the fundamentals here. It makes no difference at all to the facts- sorry if that sounds callous, but it's important you don't duck this now. It will feel worse later on.

KityGlitr · 05/09/2017 17:50

So sorry you're in this position. I was too. Last summer my ex of three years ended it cos I had been clear for several months that I wanted to try for a baby and he wasn't ready/didn't see himself wanting them for years, if ever. I was willing to forget kids for a few years and be with him but thankfully he had the guts to end it. So relieved as I know once the crisis period passed and we were together I'd have resented him so much for holding me back from having a family. We were 28 when we split.

A few weeks later (I moved to a new city and was meeting new people) I met my amazing OH. It's only been a year and a bit now we've been together but we recently moved in and are very open about our wishes for the future. On our third date I told him why my ex and I split and that I was ready for kids so that he could run if it wasn't what he wanted. He was clear that he wants them too and since then we've discussed it and set a date to try in the not too distant future once we'll have been together a couple years that works for our careers. I don't want to rush past the 'just us' stage, but I also wouldn't risk being with another guy who talks the talk and then strings me along. I'm 29 now. He's 25. When I met my ex I was 26 and told him I wanted to try for a baby by the time I was 30 and he said he wanted that too. I guess it felt so far away to him he didn't have to think beyond keeping me, but once it crept up to that time he bolted.

I've never regretted pushing for a baby and splitting up. If I were still with him I'd have been devastated every single time a friend announced a pregnancy or I held a baby. There are no guarantees in life, no proof it'll work out in my new relationship. But the important thing is there's a chance! An opportunity. While staying with ex means that door is firmly shut. And I'd never give up having a family for a guy that in all honestly could just walk away at any time. No man is worth giving up on decades of your life raising a family.

You'll struggle to split but I think in your heart you'll know it's the right thing to do and be happier knowing your future is in your hands. And there'll be men out there who are dying to meet an awesome woman who's ready to have a family. Being with ex brainwashed me into believing no man wanted babies and that I was being unreasonable wanting a family. Since we split I've realised that's a lie. Good luck x

KityGlitr · 05/09/2017 17:52

Ps at 28 when we split I moved into a house share and it was epic! People from 21-40. Eight of us. I loved it. Had fun dating and within a couple months I knew my now OH was the one and felt comfortable commuting and being a girlfriend again if that makes sense. He's gorgeous, tall, funny, the smartest man I've ever met with a fab career and very family orientated, has been the one to bring up marriage in the future and is my absolute rock. I adore him. I didn't think that I could love anyone out there as much as my ex, I found out that it's a million times better when you're both just calm and relaxed and happy and eagerly look forward to the same things in the future rather than having to drag someone along and persuade them that wonderful things like having a baby together aren't the end of the world!

justanothernameagain · 05/09/2017 22:50

My best friend lived in a shared house with (mostly) lovely people when she got divorced and it really helped her move on..

Original poster
Dontknowwhattodonowok · 06/09/2017 16:45

Just an update from me on this one.

We've not seen each other yet as he is away for work and we're not due to see each other for another couple of weeks. But he is continuing like nothing has happened, with phone calls and texts and refusing to be drawn into the discussion again. I'm trying to keep my distance but it's so bloody easy to be drawn back in. Nothing is changing and we need to talk and until that happens we are not going to move any further forward. The more time thay goes on, the more my resolve disappears.

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 06/09/2017 16:49

Would it not be easier to bring things to a head while your resolve is strong and he is working away?
He has made his position quite clear. Unless he is willing to discuss there is no future for you. Probably he now feels that he has made his position clear and by not discussing it you are being forced to accept it--swept under the carpet never to be discussed again.