Don't know what to do- boyfriend and kids

[Dontknowwhattodonowok]

My boyfriend of 8 years + last night dropped the bombshell he doesn't think he sees children in his future.

We have been together since university. I was just about to move in with him after working abroad. Previously he has always said that he wants them, and as recently as a few weeks ago was talking to me about them and stated that we could "have a baby now if you wanted to".

Kids are a non-negotiable for me. I cannot imagine my future without them. But I'm also aware walking away from someone who I love deeply to find someone else who might want to have kids is a scary prospect. Terrifying in fact. Our life otherwise is brilliant and he makes me so happy. I've now had to put a halt to moving in as I don't think I can move in with him now.

We have been together so long. I'm 31 now and feel like my life is slipping away. I never felt so low as I did last night and although we've not decided anything yet, I don't think his feelings re children will change overnight. So sad. I just don't know what to do.

He might be great long distance boyfriend material but he's not going to be good father material. Like other posters , I suspect that he doesn't really want to move in with you, let alone have kids.

It's easy to put it down to last minute nerves or cold feet and ignore how you really feel deep down.

I know that your choices now are awful - dump him and look for someone else ( and risk not finding someone ) or wait and see.

If you choose wait and see, he will either

1. Never change his mind and you will spend the next 15 years waiting for him to be ready

1. Agree reluctantly to have kids with you and then leave because you ' forced him into it '.

1. Stay and treat you and the kids like shit because he never wanted them in the first place .

1. Change his mind in 10 years, TTC for a while with you then leave for pregnancy OW.

Sorry

Don'tKnowWhatToDoNowOK
Be as 'self-pitying' as you want to be - many of us have been through this and frankly it hurts like absolute f*%k. You need to take care of yourself, regardless of what happens, and if that means letting the tears come then let the damn tears come and don't be embarrassed. The physical pain in your chest of heartache is 100% real.
As for this that you wrote: the idea of finding someone new now makes me feel sick. It will never happen - never say never - you just honestly have no idea. You do not know what's around the corner, you just don't. If your best friend told you what you've typed here, you'd probably be horrified for her, so sad and heartbroken, but positive that someone as fantastic as her would find love again, right? Everyone here feels that way about you.
So many hugs to you, and I hope your day goes ok. Good luck.

@toria28 so fucking hard isn't it. Sending you hugs and hope it all works out for you xx

I agree with Whitney my first thought in reading op was he wants you to dump him so he's not the bad guy.

Move on its never gonna work with him.

My ex had to be talked into having dd we were ttc no 2 when he got OW pregnant

@pastaofmuppets your post made me cry. Thank you. Hard to speak to people in real life about this. I know deep down I'll come out stronger the other end but right now that looks like an insurmountable prospect right now.

@expatinscotland thank you you've been honest and that's what I need. A kick up the arse. Am such an ostrich. Easier to just pretend it's not happening than to face up and deal with it now.

'Be as 'self-pitying' as you want to be - many of us have been through this and frankly it hurts like absolute f*%k. You need to take care of yourself, regardless of what happens, and if that means letting the tears come then let the damn tears come and don't be embarrassed. The physical pain in your chest of heartache is 100% real.'

This. Facing up is hard but it's one of those things you have to face up to because it won't go away, and fundamentally, it's about what you want to do or not, and about what's best for you.

I thought my world was over when my ex h and I finally got to the stage of my moving out and seeing a divorce adviser. But it wasn't!

It's not for you, either. And yy, you can take steps, like egg freezing, like exploring in time if you want to have a child alone or co-parent in a non-romantic relationship. There are options out there, you don't need to put pressure on yourself.

But space away from him is vital. For YOU! I'm glad you're not living with him because that's even more painful.

FWIW, I had several shit relationships after splitting with ex. It happens, but eventually got on the right track.

@HadronCollider I feel exactly the same. I adore my kids but two have disabilities and frankly the world is such a mess that I wish I'd truly considered what it meant to have kids with the knowledge I have now ten years later.

I'm sorry op it's ended this way but maybe in the long run the heart ache now will be easier than the heart ache further down the line. It's awful to feel at 31 you'll never meet someone else as to me this still seems young.

Exactly Msqueen there's a difference between the idea of having children and the full realisation of the responsibilities and what it entails in a world that seems increasingly unstable.

Glad you weren't offended by my post OP. I think if you are still completely adamant that you do want at least the option of children then, yes, sadly it is better for things to end now rather than another 3 years later or so. And at 31 you have time to meet someone who wants the same things and will be a hands on, fully supportive father. I don't think you should settle for anything less.

You never know what's around the corner, and of course its difficult to contemplate, let alone see it now, but there's far more than one person for everyone and there is definitely someone else out there for you.

The thing is, we can only speak from our perspective. I have 3 children. One died from cancer, one is autistic, one is dyslexic. Any regrets I might have, I don't, come from a perspective of already having had them. I can't speak for someone who does not and desperately wants them except for them to go with their own conscience and best of luck in whatever they decide.

The other thing is that the decision to never have children should be yours alone. If it's not, and it's clouded by a relationship with someone who doesn't want them, there's always going to be that niggle that your own judgement was influenced. That's no way to make such a decision.

Personally, having been in the same situation myself, I felt this incredible desire to have children and I thought 'I'm alright Jack's telling me not to but who'd already had children themselves were a bit rich. But again, it's a personal decision one has to make for oneself.

@expatinscotland I'm so sorry about your DC's death- I can't even begin to imagine how awful that was for you. X

Thanks. You can do this, Dont, believe me, you can. Sadly, it appears he's lukewarm at best about committing in general. You deserve so much more. And if you decide you want to try for children, by all means, plan on how you would go for it, even if there's no relationship involved, there are options at your age. Personally, I'd never try to talk a person who really wants kids out of giving it a go.

"Lukewarm at best about committing" this.

I've known for a long time that this was the case but I've ignored and hoped and wished and now it's finally a reality I can't walk away from it.

But as I've said before it's shit and its really sad. I'm terrible at being alone- he was such a massive part of my life I'm going to loose a huge chunk of my day-to-day existence. Aware I sound like a complete lovelorn teenager but so much of our lives were intertwined it's going to be so hard to break it down the middle.

I've known for a long time that this was the case but I've ignored and hoped and wished and now it's finally a reality I can't walk away from it

Don't be too hard on yourself, lots of us have been there. Made excuses. Ignored all the red flags because we really REALLY wanted to make it work. It's human nature.

It IS really shit and you are allowed to be very sad. It would be wierd if you were not devastated, you had all these plans and dreams for the future and now they seem lost forever.

But you are facing this now at 31 and not at 41, having waited 10 years for him to decide. And to his credit he has eventually told you. Yes it's terrible it's just less terrible than the alternative scenarios.

You have other options for parenthood, even if you never meet anyone else. This fact won't make you feel any less heartbroken, but you need to hold onto it in your worst moments.

You must give youself time to grieve and make all the social adjustments that come to us all when our relationships end.

OP - I'll add my vote to what some other people on here have been saying.
Originally your posts read as if it was about him and not wanting kids.
But as you went on to describe more, and him saying 'if you want', 'if you are ready' - it looked more like he is not sure about the relationship at all. And about being with you in the long term.
People who want to be together - and are finally moving countries to be together - look forward to it and count days, etc.
They don't throw it to the other person as a decision that they don't want to take.

So - given your history and the duration of the relationship - instead of being honest about it all, he is using kids as an excuse. As a way to push the decision on you. So that he doesn't come out as a bad guy who wanted to break up.

Sorry. It is not easy to start again after a long term relationship. But, I don't think you have a choice. Not really.
Even is you compromise and stay with him - I, unfortunately, don't think it'll work. It seems that he want some out. And if not now, it'll happen sooner or later.

I thought 'I'm alright Jack's telling me not to but who'd already had children themselves were a bit rich

That's an interesting way of looking at it expat. A person with kids might not be thinking "I'm alright", they might be thinking (a little) "I wish I was in your position and still had a choice".

I have no children and don't intend to have any. I am never sure whether my perspective is useful here, as I don't want them, so for me to say "hey, you don't have to have them" might also seem a bit "I'm alright Jack".

I imagined that someone with children saying "y'know, having children is not necessarily the best thing ever, are you sure you want them?" was more valuable than me saying "have you thought about it properly, are you sure you want them?", not less.

But it might depend on how you are feeling in the moment.

At 31, you don't need to panic but you do need to move on and not dilly dally. There will always be a chance for a relationship, but the window for kids will close. You want them. Put them first.

I had DCs with a man who didn't really want them. He said yes, but I knew he would rather not. I loved him and always wantrd DCs. He's now my exH and is limited help with them.

If he tells you that he has changed his mind it may be useful to think about my situation. I would rather have a stable family.

You lot are all so wise. Thank you for this. It's been the suitable realisation I need. I wish I could have a magic wand to fix this but I know I can't.

It's so typical I feel like I've always been the girl who never has it easy. Again this feels so self-indulgent but you know those girls who always flew through university, did well, met someone and married them and had a lovely house and nice job and a nice car? We all know one of those girls. And I was always happy knowing that I wasn't one of them but had my relationship nailed but clearly I don't. I'm bottom of the rung again (living in a shared house, single and a bit skint) when I was so close to having a lovely home and being settled. Just Sod's law and so so shit.

I have a friend who married her dh and then a few years later he said he didn't actually want children. It's decades later, she's still upset and angry. He regrets it. No bloke is that special that he's worth sacrificing something as fundamental as having a family.

By experience, those people who seem to be flowing through Uni, get married, have a great DH and fantastic kids as well as the dream job, well, they also have their struggles. ALL of them. You might not know about it but I can promise you that none of them are going through life wo any hurt and struggle or hardship.

That's just a dream, not a reality.
Those people who have it that easy do not exist.

'Those people who have it that easy do not exist.'

They do. I've met quite a few. Good on 'em. But they're not me and that's how it is. Focus on yourself, Dont, and take time out to think about what you really want and need.

Men come and go but your children will always be with you. No man is worth sacrificing having children for. I'd have them on my own if I'd had to.

Similar to another poster I was in a 7 yr relationship through my 20s and we ended up splitting because our work led to us living in different countries. If the other person has a different life plan to you, it won't work, one side will always feel like they had to compromise. My bf was the one who finally called time on things but we were both devastated and both still very much loved one another. We had about 4 months of very little contact, which was enough to sort our heads out, and to realise that we would survive without each other, even though it still hurt. I met my now DH when I was 30, we married when I was 34 and had DS when I was 35 and DD at 39. I am still in touch with my ex, we exchange texts or emails on birthdays and other significant events. We met up once when I was working in the country he lives in. If I was ever in dire straights he would be there and vice versa. He is married now too. I get Xmas and birthday cards from his mum with little letters in them updating me on his siblings - one of whom I'm still friends with on Facebook, she lives overseas. I send similar back. My DH has always known about this, he reads the cards and I tell him about the texts. DH understands that exbf was a significant part of my past and I am a better person for having known him.

I guess what I'm saying is you don't have to cut him and his family out of your life forever. If you part on good terms it is possible to still care for each other whilst moving on. But you have to properly split first so you can each find your own feet. And you will meet someone who is ready to settle down much more quickly than you were when you met your bf. You have time. Good luck.

@captainj1

This is one of my biggest fears. His family are my family, we are all so close. Unfortunately very few of my family are still alive (I'm an only child and lost both parents) so when I say we have so much history- we really do. Right now being alone and not talking to him or being with him in some way makes me feel so panicky and anxious. But what you've said has reassured me hugely. Thank you