Don't know what to do- boyfriend and kids

[Dontknowwhattodonowok]

My boyfriend of 8 years + last night dropped the bombshell he doesn't think he sees children in his future.

We have been together since university. I was just about to move in with him after working abroad. Previously he has always said that he wants them, and as recently as a few weeks ago was talking to me about them and stated that we could "have a baby now if you wanted to".

Kids are a non-negotiable for me. I cannot imagine my future without them. But I'm also aware walking away from someone who I love deeply to find someone else who might want to have kids is a scary prospect. Terrifying in fact. Our life otherwise is brilliant and he makes me so happy. I've now had to put a halt to moving in as I don't think I can move in with him now.

We have been together so long. I'm 31 now and feel like my life is slipping away. I never felt so low as I did last night and although we've not decided anything yet, I don't think his feelings re children will change overnight. So sad. I just don't know what to do.

I was like your partner. Kids seemed abstract, an idea for the future. It was only when I was getting on a bit that I realised I didn't want them.

He's been honest with you now. Sadly this is something where there is no compromise. If you want kids you will have to end it.

I'm sorry op.

He is perfectly entitled to make that decision op is entitled to then act accordingly. If he feels so strongly that he is prepared to lose you over this then he's not the one for you anyway.

I strongly believe he hasn't been dishonest. I think we have both been ostrichs to a degree and just stuck our heads in the sand. When we were long distance and abroad and only saw each other rarely neither of us wanted to bring up this type of heavy conversation when it was the only time in the month we'd be together.

I'm glad he has told me now but it doesn't stop me feeling so angry and to feel like this is so unfair. I love him and I've given 9 years of my life to him and now I've got to start from scratch and I don't think I can do it. Your stories of personal experiences with this really buoy me up but the idea of finding someone new now makes me feel sick. It will never happen.

'I strongly believe he hasn't been dishonest. I think we have both been ostrichs to a degree and just stuck our heads in the sand. '

My ex h and I did this, too. I felt the same as you do. It is unfair, but it is what it is, there's nothing that can change that now. But yes, you CAN do this. Yes, you can. You deserve to. And you know, I'd go ahead with egg freezing (Dr Zoe did a segment on The One Show about it last week, please look it up online) and then take time out. You don't necessarily have to meet someone else, there are other options out there. But staying together is truly just wasting your time.

I ended a relationship that wasn't right for me when I was 31. I'm now 37, married with a child and a second on the way. You know deep down when something isn't right, don't stay for fear of the unknown if you leave.

I have 2 friends who are my age who have coasted along in relationships in their thirties and are realising now that their partners don't want to settle down and get married and have kids. One couple has just split up and the other seem to know things aren't going anywhere but for whatever reason are continuing to just coast along. Don't let yourself get to that stage, they might now have lost their chance to meet someone new and start a family (although they might not), you definitely still have lots of time left to do those things if you want to.

@beekeeper17 the idea of someone new and being single again at 31 just makes me feel horrendous. How did you do it??? God I sound like the most self-pitying creature but I just feel so shit. And I know as someone pointed out I'll feel worse when he goes on to find someone else and potentially has kids with them.

The lie was never about making you happy, the dishonesty was a prioritisation of his needs above yours, that's not love.

Sorry OP, but I agree with this. You were just about to move in and having a baby in the near future was becomming real. So he has had to tell you the truth now. In the past he could lie because babies were a distant possibility.
He wanted to keep you in his life more than he wanted to give you respect and honesty and choices about your own future. Thst was very selfish.

@KERALA1

There is no man good enough for me to voluntarily forfeit having kids for. If that makes sense.

I couldn't agree more. You'll only be bitter and resentful if you stay with him.

It is definitely a deal breaker but could he just be having a bit of a wobble? He probably feels life is perfect right now and he doesn't want it to change. You know what you want, all you can do is lay it out for him and if it really isn't what he wants you will have to walk away. It's sad but it's better to happen now rather than later. Good luck.

Don't think about it just yet, you need time to get your head around things and make sure you're making the right decision.

When I made the decision to end my relationship, it was a relief in the end and I spent the next few months enjoying the single life and getting back to my old self. I just happened to meet my now husband about 6 months later, I know it's a cliche but I really wasn't looking for anyone, but I knew very quickly that he was the one for me.

The last thing you need is a rebound relationship, you'll need some time and space to figure out who you are again and what you want. Don't even think about meeting someone else at the minute, concentrate on looking after yourself and doing what's right for you.

I think it's too simplistic to suggest that the bloke was being deliberately dishonest all along. As someone upthread said, kids are something which couples talk about in the abstract in that it's something they may do in the future because everyone else does it and it's a normal progression of most relationships until you get to the bit of actually making it a reality, then reality does hit.

That doesn't mean that it's not a deal breaker in a relationship, but it doesn't make either of them wrong or bad either as long as they've both been honest about what they want. That includes him being absolutely honest about how he genuinely feels, and the OP being absolutely honest about the fact that this is a deal-breaker for her in a relationship, and is so sooner rather than later due to her age etc.

How did this conversation come up OP? And does he know that this is potentially the end of the road in terms of your relationship?

This post might come across wrong but genuinely not trying to trivialise how you feel.

I think you should stop and really consider if its more the idea of having children you feel strongly about or having them. I have 2 children so I am doing a bit of 'I'm alright Jack' but I can honestly say as adorable as my children are, I sometimes look at the state of the world as well as the personal sacrifices I've made and think if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have had kids.

Before I had children I never really experienced fear for anyone but myself, but now I find I have that emotion in regards to my children often, and it is an extra burden that fear.

Of course the world would stop if everyone stopped having children for the above reasons. But it's not just that. It's all the time and committment and the way having children really changes everything. Having children is a greater responsibilty on women imo.

I think if I'm honest, I've had children for 3 main reasons. 1. Strong biological urges 2. It's something people do and society expects 3. It's something women are expected to do and tend to feel crap if they can't do. I'm not sure on that last point that it's the same for men. I don't think they feel having children is tied to their manhood in the same way it appears to be for women.

The biological urge to have children is hard to ignore, (at 40 mine is ringing hard despite me having 2) but is it really reason enough to have children? I question this. I've had months of strong baby brooding where I just want to go on instinct and I almost feel like having a one night stand to get pregnant, but then when it dies down, I find myself thinking the last thing I would ever want is another baby and its hard for me to reconcile the two different states.

I think you ought to realllllly stop and question why specifically you want children, are any of the above factors responsible for these feelings? Before walking away from what seems a great relationship. Then if you decide you must have children, fair enough by all means walk away and find someone else, with no regrets. It just seems like you a bit torn.

Of course this is easy for me to say having kids already, so sorry if this post offends, and ignore if you want.

@Therealbiscuitaddict it came about as I was sort of formalising move in plans etc and sensed he was being a bit cagey and when I asked if this was definitely OK with this he'd say "if it's what you want!" And "if you're ready" etc. Then he said that he wanted to be upfront now that maybe he won't be able to give me what I want which when pushed ended up being children.

We touched on what this means for us now- I was too upset to string too sentences together and then had to leave as typically we had this chat about 20 mins before I had to leave.

I think he knows it could be end of the road for us and I need to talk to him this week to say he needs to take some time to come back to me and ultimately tell me they're definitely NOT what he wants and we go from there. But like previous posters have said, how can I ever trust him if he says he has changed his mind- what's to stop him changing it back? Absolutely nothing.

@HadronCollider your post didn't not offend me- thank you for taking the time to reply!!

I do know what you mean and where you are coming from. But how the bloody hell am I ever going to know if me wanting kids at 31 really IS what I want? Or if I'm just in love with the romantic idea of it and it's my biological clock ticking? So fucking hard and I feel like I'll never know the answer!

OP I think you need to be true to yourself.

I know it's hard but if you give in and carry on in the hope he will change his mind you may end up resenting him in a few years.

I would be honest with him and say if he really feels this way then it's a dealbreaker.

The reality of losing you may even shock him into opening eyes and seeing what he's giving up.

Sorry, posted too soon!!

The key thing is that if he's told you this and you choose to continue, then you're giving up any power. By staying with him, you're essentially agreeing to his terms.

I suppose the only other option would be to could discuss it in more depth and see how strongly he really feels, and whether he thinks his position may change? If he is uncertain then you could agree to revisit it in a year? But I'd urge caution x

My ex-dh told me this at age 31 after 7 years of marriage! Turned completely and said now didn't want kids. I was heartbroken. I couldn't imagine life without him and couldn't imagine a future without kids. After endless discussions we went for it and had 2 dc. He left me when youngest was 4.

When I think back, I might have stayed with him even with no children. That thought terrifies me. I would never have believed he'd have left me but he did. I'd have given up everything for nothing. Please don't do it.

Also would not advise talking anyone into it. Believe him if he says he doesn't want them. My ex loves having them part-time but couldn't cut it in our family life. I am so relieved I have my children and would change nothing about them...but I'd have been better having them with someone else; I didn't see that till so much later.

Feeling for you very much. So tough.

@HadronCollider I think that was a great post.

I really really feel for you op. What a difficult situation to be in. As everyone else has said, if he really doesn't want children you need to end this now for your own sake. The longer it drags on, the harder it will be. You will feel so resentful if you stay especially when friends start announcing their pregnancies ect.

It will be the hardest but best thing you can do.

Hadron I loved your post.

Could hug each and every one of you. Thank you for being so kind and sharing your experiences and not telling me to cheer the fuck up and to stop being so self indulgent. Sadly my Mum is no longer around so I needed to hear this. You're all legends. Thank you.

it came about as I was sort of formalising move in plans etc and sensed he was being a bit cagey and when I asked if this was definitely OK with this he'd say "if it's what you want!" And "if you're ready" etc. Then he said that he wanted to be upfront now that maybe he won't be able to give me what I want which when pushed ended up being children.

On the first page, I was wondering whether in reality this was about the fact that now it actually came to committing and moving in together, he was getting cold feet about the whole relationship and is using this to make you the one to break it off.

Your post above makes me think this even more ...

Take control. Tell him you want a week/month/whatever to think about your relationship and work out how you both feel about it. Arrange to talk after that period of time, but not before, and work out where you are then.

@whitney168 it might be. I don't want to out myself but we've both spent time, money and efffort getting this place ready for my move. I feel like knowing his personality he would have put a stop to this months ago if he had cold feet then..... I just think he wanted reassurance before I gave everything up and moved countries to be with him that he wasn't deceiving me. He wanted me to be straight with me that this was not in his plan.

OP I am also 31 and have just last week ended a 4 year on/ off relationship last week that wasn't going anywhere as he didn't want to commit to me. It's tough but I know what I want and deserve. I also want kids and staying with him it was v. unlikely that would ever happen. My cousin just had a child at 39 so there is still plenty of time, though I know it doesn't feel that way!

It sounds like he didn't even really want to move in, much less have kids. Your relationship has run its course, with or without kids. Don't you want to move in with someone who's excited about it all at least?

'How did you do it??? God I sound like the most self-pitying creature but I just feel so shit. And I know as someone pointed out I'll feel worse when he goes on to find someone else and potentially has kids with them.'

You don't. You just take time out to focus on you and thinking about what you really want and need. What he does is his business and tbh, I'd take some space from him so you're not involved in that at all because you need to work on what you want and need.

Of course it feels shit, but I can promise you, having spent two years trying to make our work around the kids thing, it feels even shittier being with someone who fundamentally wants different things out of life (my ex never had kids at all and now he's 50) or doesn't want those things with you. It's always like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.