Don't know what to do- boyfriend and kids

[Dontknowwhattodonowok]

My boyfriend of 8 years + last night dropped the bombshell he doesn't think he sees children in his future.

We have been together since university. I was just about to move in with him after working abroad. Previously he has always said that he wants them, and as recently as a few weeks ago was talking to me about them and stated that we could "have a baby now if you wanted to".

Kids are a non-negotiable for me. I cannot imagine my future without them. But I'm also aware walking away from someone who I love deeply to find someone else who might want to have kids is a scary prospect. Terrifying in fact. Our life otherwise is brilliant and he makes me so happy. I've now had to put a halt to moving in as I don't think I can move in with him now.

We have been together so long. I'm 31 now and feel like my life is slipping away. I never felt so low as I did last night and although we've not decided anything yet, I don't think his feelings re children will change overnight. So sad. I just don't know what to do.

Didn't want to read and run.

2 years ago i was married to my ex h who I had been with for 10 years. I'd always imagined children being part of our future but when it came down to having them I realised I didn't want them with my ex h. I took the incredibly difficult decision to leave so we could both have a chance of happiness.

6 months later I met my DP and now 2 years on I'm living on the other side of the world with him and we've just welcomed our DS into the world.

My ex h has met a lady who already has young children and seems to be really happy too.

If you told me 2 years ago as we were sitting with a mediator discussing our divorce that this would have a happy ending I wouldn't have believed you. I felt like my world was ending - despite knowing that I was doing the right thing for both me and my ex h. At 32 I was suddenly divorced and had to move out of my beautiful home into a shared flat. Now at 34 I've never been happier.

OP I know how hard it will be to take that leap into the dark but if you don't you will regret it. Like me you have no idea what the future will hold - which is terrifying but also exciting. I hope taking the difficult decision brings you the greatest happiness. Good luck and be kind to yourself.

OP

Why are you waiting to talk to him? He has told you his feelings. Take control. Don't leave it to him to end the relationship or drag it out. He is carrying on as if nothing has changed because that suits HIM. You are not making yourself a priority and in five years time will be in the same position as it suits him.

I left my university boyfriend of 10 years because he wouldn't get married ( in those days I wanted to be married before babies). I too had lost my mum and all grandparents whilst with him. We had lots of joint friends and I loved his parents - I grew up with them from 19 to 29. But he had made it quite clear he wasn't getting married. He is now 52 and is living with his girlfriend - his first one he has lived with 20 years after we finished. He doesn't have kids and hasn't married. Perhaps he will now - I hope so.

You have to move on.

Your resolve to finish with him might be vanishing. Is your resolve to want, have children going too? .

@inlectorecumbit it would make sense but we didn't finish anything when I saw him. I want to have these discussions in persons, I think we owe it to each other after 9 years.

@hellothereitsme you're right. I know it suits him letting this drag on I just feel in this stupid limbo stage where I know we can't have a future but can't end it

@strongasmeringue I know I want children. So the writings on the wall really....

I sadly suspect he strung you along and perhaps is Not That Into You and saying the kids thing to get out of it.

What you have to remember is that no decision is still a decision - no action is still action. Of course he's pretending like nothing ever happened, because it's all on his terms. He likes it this way. It's easy. He gets to keep Dont and live how he wants. When he decides he wants kids and Dont is too old, he'd be the first to dump you, not pretend nothing happened, and do the whole 'I need different things' song and dance.

By not taking control, you're tacitly making it known you don't want children, either, you're content to let him do all the steering in the relationship.

Ever heard the expression that you can't love anyone in a healthy relationship if you don't love yourself first? Anything else is inherently unhealthy.

But it's all a decision. You don't owe him all these talks in person. You owe yourself what you want out of life. Stalling, putting things off, coasting along, they are all decisions, too. When you start owning those you seen realise your own responsibility in a relationship and will hopefully start being able to make positive changes for yourself and working towards what you want out of life rather than letting others dictate it for you.

If you want DC you don't have more years to spend on this man IMO.

OP have been following your thread and just want to comment. As a previous poster said I met my husband when I was 31 and had my first child at 36 and second at 38 so don't stay with your partner because you're scared you won't meet anyone else. It sounds like the urge to have children will only get stronger the older you get. Someone I work with split with a long term partner a couple of years ago and is now living with someone else and they now have a baby. It is scary being on your own after a long time with someone but think how you will feel in 10 years time if you have not at least tried for a baby, would you be happy. Wishing you a happy future whatever you decide to do.