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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hotel booking on DP's online banking

402 replies

Emboo19 · 30/08/2017 08:12

Just been onto the online banking to transfer some money from DP's account to our joint one (he knows I'm doing this). He's the one who signed up to the online banking but he gave me log in details and I can see the joint account and his own account, my own account is with a different bank. (Sorry going on a bit, just want to explain how I've seen what I've see).

Anyway, usually he just transfers any money I need from his mobile, but he's busy and said for me to log on and do it, I'm going holiday shopping today and needed some extra. Then this part I'm not proud of.....it's my birthday soon and I had a sneaky look at his recent transactions, to try see what he's bought me (I know that's really, really bad!)
I noticed last week there's a payment to a hotel, which is the same hotel he's staying in at the moment, he's working away. His hotel is paid for by his work, but they share so two men to a room. The charge is the same as a double room for one night at that hotel.

Is there any possible explanation (other than the obvious) that he'd have for booking his own room for a night? I really can't think of one right now, but then I'm struggling to think of anything other than killing him right now!
And how do I speak to him about it? Wait until he's home Friday or ask over the phone?

OP posts:
CostaBomba · 31/08/2017 15:22

@Emboo19 you're amazing. You're going to fly at university and you're setting a fab example to your daughter. 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

PoppyH56 · 31/08/2017 15:29

So strong and brave for a 19 year old! You are a great example to your DD Wine

hellsbellsmelons · 31/08/2017 15:30

But why would he need to book them a room?
If he has never used 'the shag room' before why were they teasing him etc.....?
That would suggest he's used it before and they wanted him to give something back for his use of it in the past??

BackieJerkhart · 31/08/2017 15:36

He admitted he did use the shag room helsbels. He used it on one of the nights where someone else paid for it so they were apparently telling him he owed them a room.

SDaddy007 · 31/08/2017 15:39

Ummm......if he's having a bit on the side do you really think he's going to use his regular work hotel?

Ha ha.

PaganGoddessBrigid · 31/08/2017 15:39

Wow you're only 20 (not even!)

You will be so glad that you didn't overlook this. Always tough at the time no matter what age you are but everybody deserves more and you have your life ahead of you.

weatherbomb · 31/08/2017 15:42

@emboo19 you're doing brilliantly in the circumstances. You clearly have a great bright & beautiful future in front of you & you don't need a cheating waster to drag you down. So sorry you're going through this, but you will be more than OK. Be kind to yourself as this is hard and will challenge everything you believed in. For you Flowers

Peaches77 · 31/08/2017 15:47

Do you know any of his work mates partners I would be dropping them a little message as a heads up about this shag room

PNGirl · 31/08/2017 16:02

@Sdaddy Well, yes. Because he was?

BeauMirchoff · 31/08/2017 16:07

I'm with @Peaches77.
Let the other wives/girlfriends know.
We (women) need to stick together xx

Original poster
Emboo19 · 31/08/2017 16:21

I don't know the other wife's/girlfriends no. We were supposed to be going to two of their weddings though.

I've just been taking some photo copies of his wage slips and credit card bills. He keeps them all in a file and I brought it with me last night but didn't look through it. He's dropping DD off at 4.30 so need to give him his file back and sort out what he'll pay maintances wise.

Can't see any dodgy transactions on his cc either, but think I found my birthday present 😂

OP posts:
abigailgabble · 31/08/2017 16:29

sorry @Emboo19. what a crying shame. the twat. Sad

the longer i spend on MN the more faith I lose in men.

MyOtherProfile · 31/08/2017 16:33

So sorry Emboo. He's an idiot.

BeauMirchoff · 31/08/2017 16:41

Wow, so there is a chance that some of those men cheat before they even get married. Promising. I'm losing my faith in men too.

user1494187262 · 31/08/2017 17:02

BeauMirchoff
It's not exclusive to men. When I discovered my DHs affair I found that OW had slept with him 2 weeks before her Wedding and within 6 weeks after. Nice!

BeauMirchoff · 31/08/2017 17:05

@user1494187262 WTF! Shock
What is wrong with people?!
So sorry to hear that, btw. It must have been awful 😔

ppandj · 31/08/2017 17:20

Sorry @Emboo19 you sound so strong WineFlowers for you. Being cheated on is the worst (am going through it atm), nobody deserves this! Good luck at uni, you will fly and he will rue the day he messed up his chance with you I'm sure.

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 31/08/2017 17:27

Emboo19 I really feel for you. You don't need or deserve this crap.
It's probably a good job I'm not your Mum as I'd beat the living daylights out of him. (Yes I know violence isn't the answer blah blah.)
I wish you didn't have to suffer this pain. I know you won't believe me or maybe it's the wrong thing to say, but the pain & hurt will subside & go eventually..
Take your time in whatever you decide to do.
As they say on here, don't do the pick me dance (as he has too show he's really sorry & proves he has learnt from his stupidity & won't do this again, if he wants to win you back.)
Also make sure you have your ducks in a row financially.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 31/08/2017 17:34

He's dropped DD off and I got flowers, because flowers will obviously make me forgive him, bless him Hmm
We had crying again (him not me) and how sorry he is.

We've agreed on a maintenance amount and he's going to the bank to set it up as a standing order into my account. He's collecting DD Saturday afternoon and bringing her home Sunday. We'll need to sort contact out properly at some point, but I can't right now!

One of his friends who I'm good friends with as well as text to ask if everything is ok and why he's home. Not sure how he knows somethings wrong, but I said he needs to speak to J. I never thought of all our mutual friends, do they just chose a side and then that's it.

My mums making my favourite dinner and my friends are on the with wine Wine
My poor dad's a bit devastated think he's taking it harder than me. He really liked exDP and I think he feels like he should have somehow known.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emboo19 · 31/08/2017 17:37

I actually feel ok! It hits me every now and then and I'm focusing on sorting out the practical stuff for now.

My mum is furious Tracy he wouldn't actually come to the house until she'd left for work this morning. He didn't come in when he dropped DD off either, my dad took her and he stayed on the doorstep to talk to me.

OP posts:
TracyBeakerSoYeah · 31/08/2017 17:47

Mums are like tigers when it comes to someone hurting their child. Regardless of how old you are.
Your family sound lovely & very supportive Flowers

SandyY2K · 31/08/2017 18:51

This is such a shame, because it comes across that you're both from very good families.

He's going to regret this for a very long time, if not forever. Can I ask how old he is?

I know you're 19, but as many have said, you are incredibly mature and sensible.... Way beyond your years.

I do like your no nonsense attitude that so many people struggle with, even when they're in terrible relationships and your relationship wasn't a bad one.

You'll go far in life.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 31/08/2017 19:08

He's 24! Sandy

I had quite a wobble and have had to come upstairs to have a good cry. His mum called on her way to work, she brought me a bottle of wine and gave me a hug. And I realised she won't be my family now. She's a nurse so usually works Christmas now her kids are grown up, but she does Christmas another day and I won't be invited anymore he'll just go with DD and maybe a new girlfriend at some point.
Probably why my dads upset he realises it works the other way too.

Why would he want to make such a mess of things.

OP posts:
mirialis · 31/08/2017 19:34

The thing is, he will have had the blokes at work egging him on, "only" 24, mad to get tied down with marriage, kids, mortgage etc. etc. you only get one life... I'm absolutely NOT minimising or excusing what he's done, and I really don't think I could ever trust someone again after that, but your DD's dad is not a monster and, as Sandy says, it's an absolute crying shame he's done this and will be something he regrets for a very, very long time.

mirialis · 31/08/2017 19:36

You, on the other hand, have such a bright future.