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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hotel booking on DP's online banking

402 replies

Emboo19 · 30/08/2017 08:12

Just been onto the online banking to transfer some money from DP's account to our joint one (he knows I'm doing this). He's the one who signed up to the online banking but he gave me log in details and I can see the joint account and his own account, my own account is with a different bank. (Sorry going on a bit, just want to explain how I've seen what I've see).

Anyway, usually he just transfers any money I need from his mobile, but he's busy and said for me to log on and do it, I'm going holiday shopping today and needed some extra. Then this part I'm not proud of.....it's my birthday soon and I had a sneaky look at his recent transactions, to try see what he's bought me (I know that's really, really bad!)
I noticed last week there's a payment to a hotel, which is the same hotel he's staying in at the moment, he's working away. His hotel is paid for by his work, but they share so two men to a room. The charge is the same as a double room for one night at that hotel.

Is there any possible explanation (other than the obvious) that he'd have for booking his own room for a night? I really can't think of one right now, but then I'm struggling to think of anything other than killing him right now!
And how do I speak to him about it? Wait until he's home Friday or ask over the phone?

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 31/08/2017 19:49

Emboo I know this isn't a popular chain of thought in here but are you sure you want it to be over? I know that after cheating it is really hard to continue a relationship but it does sound like he's really sorry and repentant.
Having said that I'm not sure I could take someone back.

SalamiSandwich · 31/08/2017 19:57

In what way is he sorry and repentant? Because he bought flowers and cried? Big deal.

MyOtherProfile · 31/08/2017 19:59

Salami he has told her he's sorry. Of course that doesn't mean he is but only the OP knows him and can tell if it's genuine.

yetmorecrap · 31/08/2017 20:06

It's a good attitude to have OP, who knows a few months down the line you may feel differently and that's your perogative to do so but whatever the outcome, you have shown that you and your daughter are not to be messed with and disrespected .

mirialis · 31/08/2017 20:07

Personally, and I don't know why the OP should care about my opinion, she is so mature and intelligent, yet I think she is too young to sign up for a life with someone who has already proved they are too weak to be a truly equitable partner in life. Who wants a partner they have to parent? I think that's what she would end up having to do.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 31/08/2017 20:30

The thing is, he will have had the blokes at work egging him on, "only" 24, mad to get tied down with marriage, kids, mortgage etc. etc. that's exactly the kind of thing he was saying they said mirialis and to think I though it was good he was getting friends at work who were older and had families!
I won't excuse him and he's saying himself it's no excuse.

I'm having wavering moments, I think if I could be 100% sure it happened like he's said and it was just that once, maybe I could forgive down the line. When I'm angry at him and can't imagine ever forgiving him, but when I'm feeling weepy I just want a cuddle from him.
It's not helped that one of my friends is definitely in the no forgiveness camp, she's planning nights out and me moving on, the others more, maybe you can sort it out, why don't you talk to him.

OP posts:
PoppyPopcorn · 31/08/2017 20:32

Or the bloke he's in with snores like a pig and he can't bear it for smother night.

HappenedForAReisling · 31/08/2017 20:36

Have you ready ANY of the thread Poppy?

abigailgabble · 31/08/2017 20:43

you are way too young and switched on to settle for his crap. seriously, it's not a one off. it's a type of person.

the initial discomfort will pass. it's like being hooked on something... texts, cuddles, etc.. a mini addiction. it will get easier and easier and in a bit you will think thank gd I ditched that cheating, wasteful bastard. he put his dick in some girl just cos she was there*. he's disgusting. stay strong, use your friends Flowers

mirialis · 31/08/2017 20:45

There was a poster on here - bloodonthetracks or something - who I always thought gave excellent advice on the question of what to do post-fidelity. I don't know if she still posts as I'm such and infrequent poster myself.

You will not have hold the whole, grimy, full truth out of him. That's for sure. The only way there is a glint of hope for the future is if he lays the whole nasty truth on the line, ad I think the poster I referred to said part of that was having him speak to OW in your earshot so you hear for yourself how they interact and what the 'truth' is (I may have misremembered that bit though, so possibly worth looking up!!)

I don't know... you are so young and many people don't meet the right person for a life partner for another 10 years, so you really do need to take a LONG time to think about this and settle into your life at uni first. So don't let your "no forgiveness friend" dominate you, but DO take her up on the plans to go out, do prep yourself for uni, do make sure you are looking after yourself etc. - you have a whole new adventure coming up.

mirialis · 31/08/2017 20:47

sorry for the typos

PoorYorick · 31/08/2017 20:52

Why do people do this?

Why do they not realise that 'it meant nothing' makes it worse?

RidingRossPoldark · 31/08/2017 20:52

OP, the world is your oyster. You are about to go to University and broaden your horizons to make a better life for you and your daughter. As someone considerably older, I'm full of admiration. This is not the end of the world and in a way, it's good that you've found out-you still have plenty of time to make something of your life and have a wonderful support system to help you through this. FWIW, booking a hotel room and getting it together with someone he had met a few times at a gym shows premeditation. I don't think he 'accidentally' bumped into her on a night out, got drunk and did the deed. I actually find it a bit worrying that you say she looks like you, it certainly wouldn't reassure me. He's already got you, why sleep with an imitation? and surely, it would have reminded him of you and made him feel so guilty he couldn't go ahead? I suspect he's sorry he's been caught, that is all...

RidingRossPoldark · 31/08/2017 20:56

Echo mirialis, I don't like telling young folk that they are too young to commit, plenty know exactly what they are doing and are mature enough, but if the other half is a cheat, why should you at such a young age sign away the rest of your life with him? People change a lot in their 20s-with life experience you may find that you are pleased to be out of this relationship and actually want something else...

SalamiSandwich · 31/08/2017 21:01

Give yourself time, and space. As a pp said, I bet you haven't been told everything. You don't need to make any decisions right now.

mirialis · 31/08/2017 21:04

Again, my personal opinion... do not even think about "sorting it out" for another 6 months. This next 6 months is about YOU starting uni and getting yours and DD's life in order for you both to flourish. Yes, this does mean Christmas, Australia etc. you and DD - not going to deny there will be moments of sadness but there will be so many moments of achievement and joy and you must take that opportunity for both your sake and DD's.

DancesWithOtters · 31/08/2017 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

esk1mo · 31/08/2017 21:13

this is off-topic but you're 19 and hes 24?
so you were 15 and he was 20 when you first met?Shock

greit · 31/08/2017 21:14

Age doesn't come into it, some people don't cheat no matter what the circumstances.

Some do if they think they won't get caught, "what she doesn't know won't hurt her"...."what happens on the stag, stays on the stag".

If you hadn't seen the hotel bill you would be none the wiser, his behaviour hasn't given him away even though he says it happened a while ago. What you saw on his face was shock, not guilt.

mirialis · 31/08/2017 21:15

esk1mo - either way, she's at least as mature as your average 24 year-old in my opinion!

esk1mo · 31/08/2017 21:20

oh i dont mean anything toward the OP, ive seen her other posts and shes very mature.

just a boy aged 20 going after a 15 year old is a bit grim

MikeUniformMike · 31/08/2017 21:52

As mirialis said, you do not have to settle anything just yet.
Concentrate on your future. Shame he couldn't keep it in his pants but what a dickhead. His parents sound lovely and keep everything amicable for your DD.

Two thoughts. One, how would you feel if he ended up with gymwoman as your STBXP's new partner? 2, Dickhead has his whole life to regret listening to his so called mates.

SandyY2K · 31/08/2017 22:20

I can just imagine the other blokes encouraging and egging him on as someone else said.

However, he knows that he is able to think on his own and is responsible for his own actions and behaviour.

He should have known better than to be swept along, but peer pressure can be very powerful.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 31/08/2017 22:29

I was 16 and him 19 esk1mo we started going out just after my 16th birthday so it would have been 4 years in just over a week. His birthday is spring so he turned 20 around 6 months after we started dating.

I honestly don't think I could go back to how we were and I wouldn't want a relationship where I was questioning him all the time or wondering what he was doing. So realistically I know there's no hope of us getting back together.
He's full of promises at the moment, he's changing jobs, stopping football, won't go out and willing to do anything I ask. Only problem is, I don't want to ask any of those things. I want him to be able to work away, go out with friends and all that and I want to be able to trust him when he does. Only I can't now.
But definitely I think I need to concentrate on uni for now, anyway.

Sorry tha a bit of a rant I've been drinking wine and I need to sleep now.

Australia is a whole over problem mirialisand I know we'll need to deal with it but not yet. It was expensive and I'm not sure we can cancel one without the other, it's a long way to go on my own with DD, my uncles have trips booked and paid for. Then even if he can cancel or we change the name and someone else comes, there's the fact I'd be taking DD for five weeks over Xmas and new year, he wouldn't really see her for the whole of Dec. He's a dickhead, but I'm not sure I could be that cruel to him.

Thank you all for your support, it's been a real help getting everything down on here. Even if I've written most of it tears!

OP posts:
TracyBeakerSoYeah · 31/08/2017 23:02

Oh sweetheart I wish I could give you a hug. I'll have to give you a virtual unmumsnetty hug as we call them Flowers