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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hotel booking on DP's online banking

402 replies

Emboo19 · 30/08/2017 08:12

Just been onto the online banking to transfer some money from DP's account to our joint one (he knows I'm doing this). He's the one who signed up to the online banking but he gave me log in details and I can see the joint account and his own account, my own account is with a different bank. (Sorry going on a bit, just want to explain how I've seen what I've see).

Anyway, usually he just transfers any money I need from his mobile, but he's busy and said for me to log on and do it, I'm going holiday shopping today and needed some extra. Then this part I'm not proud of.....it's my birthday soon and I had a sneaky look at his recent transactions, to try see what he's bought me (I know that's really, really bad!)
I noticed last week there's a payment to a hotel, which is the same hotel he's staying in at the moment, he's working away. His hotel is paid for by his work, but they share so two men to a room. The charge is the same as a double room for one night at that hotel.

Is there any possible explanation (other than the obvious) that he'd have for booking his own room for a night? I really can't think of one right now, but then I'm struggling to think of anything other than killing him right now!
And how do I speak to him about it? Wait until he's home Friday or ask over the phone?

OP posts:

KentMum2008 · 31/08/2017 11:14

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I think what I find even more upsetting about your post is that there are a whole group of men complicit in it. So they all have affairs while they're away? That's disgusting behaviour.

MusicToMyEars800 · 31/08/2017 11:15

I'm so sorry to hear this OP
Why do men do this, it's fucking shit!
I hope you're ok and look after yourself.

Original poster

Emboo19 · 31/08/2017 11:15

I just don't get it! He's had some much opportunity to do it before and at times when we were actually struggling and I could maybe understand it. He swears he never has before and maybe I'm being stupid but I believe him, he knows it's absolutely a deal breaker for me so once or two hundred times it makes no difference, it's over. But right now things have been so good, so why would he. He can't even tell me, he says he doesn't know.

We're supposed to going away for my birthday with my family and friends and I guess I'll just go now, he'll have to cancel his flight. But we were going to Australia for five weeks over Christmas and new year to stay with my uncles so I don't know what the hell we do about that.

Fianaces aren't too complicated luckily and I have my own money.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 31/08/2017 11:17

He's a crap partner and a crap employee, too, letting everyone down like that.

LanaDReye · 31/08/2017 11:17

Remember that you haven't done anything wrong and need to take time to process all of this. Try not to agree to anything if he hints at this being normal, partly your fault, stress, etc

Take as long as you need to process this. I am sorry but he is not likely to have had one drunken night without having had time messing about while drunk with work mates before. He is likely to have done more and felt he could get away with it to actually have sex. Stay strong

Original poster

Emboo19 · 31/08/2017 11:18

And now I potentially have to miss Christmas's and birthday's with my own daughter all because he can't keep his dick in his pants.

OP posts:

maras2 · 31/08/2017 11:18

What a dirty skanky bastard.
Sorry emboo.You must be devastated.
Look after yourself and be sure to get a sexual health check ASAP.Mx.

SandyY2K · 31/08/2017 11:20

Sorry to hear this. You have no way of knowing if it's all the truth or not. The only thing you know is that you can no longer trust him.

Without trust, you don't have much.

This is very sad when you have a child involved and you can't go total no contact with him.

I'm sure he realises he's messed up big time and he knows you aren't going to tolerate his cheating.

SandyY2K · 31/08/2017 11:25

You don't have to tell everyone the details or even anything. Just that you've broken up.

The details are your business. If you need to tell parents or siblings for support that's fine, but just take it easy.

You sound steadfast that there is no coming back from this and I can almost hear the heartbreak you feel.

Remember to eat and stay hydrated. Get some fresh air as well.

BackieJerkhart · 31/08/2017 11:27

I'm sorry Op but he is lying. I know it makes no difference as you say it's now over and you want to just accept it and move on but please don't believe for a second you have heard anywhere near the truth. He has told you what he thinks is enough to get you to forgive him. He thinks that being "honest" will win him points with you so he has given you a little bit to make you think he has come clean. He hasn't. This is so textbook. I could write the script for you it's that predictable. Agree with others you definitely need and STD test. So sorry. And don't give him any more of your time to explain or apologise or grovel. He's a cheating scumbag.

Original poster

Emboo19 · 31/08/2017 11:27

And oh yes, the humiliation of a STD check!! Luckily we use condoms and he says he did with her, but still.

OP posts:

petalsandstars · 31/08/2017 11:30

Emboo I'm so sorry it turned out like this. Hopefully your grandparents and parents will support you through the next few weeks/months while things adjust. You've got a strong head on your shoulders and you will get through this

Cricrichan · 31/08/2017 11:31

I'm sorry to hear this op. I also wouldn't believe him that it was just the once. It's a bit much to book a room for the first time you're unfaithful. I think it's common occurrence with him and his workmates and that's why he must have forgotten about booking the room - he would have been much more careful and wary about you going into his accounts if it was really the one off major infidelity. Check back through the bank statements.

FizzyGreenWater · 31/08/2017 11:32

So sorry

With regard to your last point, this might not be a popular opinion but no, I don't see why you should miss Christmases and birthdays etc.

It's all a discussion for the future I know but if I were in your shoes I'd be flat-out refusing to lose any of that special time because, as you so clearly put it, he couldn't keep his dick in his pants - not even just for one cheap shag.

HE gambled away those special times. So for me there would be no sharing which compromised you and your DD's comfort and happiness for his benefit just so that he doesn't 'miss out' (and yes, she will live with you so it will mean her comfort and happiness as well as yours). So no, she will never be asked to wake up on Christmas morning not in her own bed with her toys to play with because he couldn't keep it in his pants. She will never be asked to not have her birthday with her friends and a party in her home because he couldn't keep it in his pants. And I suggest you tell him that in no uncertain terms. Fuck him.

Yes he should absolutely share in special times. He should have his times with your DD alone. They should make their own special times.

But if he thinks you and she are going to start missing out on memories for his sake - fuck that.

Wherearemymarbles · 31/08/2017 11:35

To everyone saying its not just the once, logically there has to be a 1st time for everything. This could just as easily be the 1st time as the 10th.

It makes no difference in the end. The relationship is over and the op is in enough pain as it is.

Original poster

Emboo19 · 31/08/2017 11:36

I'm not embarrassed Sandy I know I've done nothing wrong and I'm not telling people but I'm making him. He fucked it up he can be the one to tell people what he did.
I told him he had to tell my dad before he left with DD and he's told his mum because she's rang me.

OP posts:

SuperSkyRocketing · 31/08/2017 11:40

So sorry OP. What an utter shit. I'm so glad you've got family around you though. You sound strong but he sounds like he thinks he can lie his way out of this. Stay strong and don't let him worm his way back. Once a cheat, always a cheat.

FizzyGreenWater · 31/08/2017 11:47

Good for you. Yes it's his mess to own.

What did his mum say?! Hopefully she will be supportive - properly supportive. Hard position for her to be in.

Original poster

Emboo19 · 31/08/2017 11:48

I probably won't know if it's only that once or not. I think I could tell pretty well what was truth or lies though and I felt he was telling the truth about that. Even before we went out he wasn't one for one night stands and all that.
In a lot of ways it's worse if it's just this one. Our relationship as been so good and we've had so many plans and all that gone for one shag, I don't get that. The only explanation he's offered is that he was scared of the commitment of a baby/house/marriage etc, but the baby wasn't planned and I didn't ask for the other things he wanted them.
But whatever his reasons, he knew my stand on it and he risked it. It's all on him!

Anyway I need to go collect my things and my dads taking me out for some lunch.

OP posts:

chips4teaplease · 31/08/2017 11:48

Reading your posts takes me right back to 1986. Stay strong. It will be hard at times but you'll be amazed at what you'll accomplish and at how happy you can be without him.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 31/08/2017 11:51

For you Emboo 🌺🌺🌺

Original poster

Emboo19 · 31/08/2017 11:52

His mum is lovely Fizzy and really disgusted with him. She said she's always here for me and DD, and she's told him if he messes about with supporting his daughter financially he won't be welcome at hers anymore.

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 31/08/2017 11:53

Apparently a group of them not DP (or ex dp as he's now known) have on occasion booked spare rooms to use for their extra marital stuff. He used one of the said rooms one night, a women he'd seen a few times at the gym and then met when out. He says he was drunk and it was only the once and all that.

No way of knowing and of course it doesn't matter now, but I'd say most probably lying sadly.

And even if not - jesus the skankiness of it. To be even considered enough of a kindred spirit with this kind of group of men to end up 'using' one of their rooms - oh bleurgh. The organisation of it - like setting up a mini-brothel. Just foul.

It's more likely that he was casually involved in this setup full stop, as presumably it would be kept fairly quiet. And that instead of 'once, I was drunk' it would be 'occasionally, because I could and it was accepted and encouraged in my work friendship group because they are a bunch of rutting skanks'. 'Once, I was drunk' is right up there with 'the cheque is in the post' I'm afraid.

fannycraddock72 · 31/08/2017 11:55

The guys an idiot, so sorry he's done this to you. You trusted your gut on this one, despite people telling you it could be innocent.

Trust your gut on what you do next. If it's a deal breaker for you then you know what you have to do. I've been through this and it hurts like hell, one night stand, full blown affair it made no difference to me.

I kept telling myself I deserve better than the way I was treated and left. It's horrible, you will have so many questions as to why, how etc..You'll have moments where you just want your life back as it was, want him back, never want to see him again.

My friends and family were great, make sure you use their support. Don't be afraid to tell people what he's done, although the fact that you are making him tell people is a good way of doing it (I Like your style).

I could write so much more, but the last thing I would suggest is going to www.chumplady.com her website is fantastic for people who have to deal with a cheating spouse..in her words...

Leave a cheater, gain a life

FizzyGreenWater · 31/08/2017 11:57

And as to why he'd lie - because it would be automatic I would think. He would know it was probably game over but the instinct would be to minimise as much as possible, because there would be just the offchance you'd forgive when it came to the question of a split? Maybe. You know best OP, and as you say it's almost bloody worse.

But it certainly lets you know what kind of bloke he is. Not just unfaithful, but stupid and with no willpower.

Good that you have his mum's support.

You're so strong, stick with it. You are doing the right thing xx

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