Hotel booking on DP's online banking

[Emboo19]

Just been onto the online banking to transfer some money from DP's account to our joint one (he knows I'm doing this). He's the one who signed up to the online banking but he gave me log in details and I can see the joint account and his own account, my own account is with a different bank. (Sorry going on a bit, just want to explain how I've seen what I've see).

Anyway, usually he just transfers any money I need from his mobile, but he's busy and said for me to log on and do it, I'm going holiday shopping today and needed some extra. Then this part I'm not proud of.....it's my birthday soon and I had a sneaky look at his recent transactions, to try see what he's bought me (I know that's really, really bad!)
I noticed last week there's a payment to a hotel, which is the same hotel he's staying in at the moment, he's working away. His hotel is paid for by his work, but they share so two men to a room. The charge is the same as a double room for one night at that hotel.

Is there any possible explanation (other than the obvious) that he'd have for booking his own room for a night? I really can't think of one right now, but then I'm struggling to think of anything other than killing him right now!
And how do I speak to him about it? Wait until he's home Friday or ask over the phone?

And another one from me. You'll be ok you know...Each day as it comes.

I've had a very similar experience to yours, Emboo.

Different in the small detail, in that I didn't find out about it from looking at his bank account. I found out about it from sniggering remarks from his business colleagues, and because he was a really shit liar when I confronted him about it.

He'd done the dirty on me with the full knowledge of all his business chums at an 'out of the country' business meeting with people who were also MY business chums. I couldn't be at that meeting because I had to stay home with our SEN daughter.

And that business meeting included my EX-husband. Who must have been laughing up his fucking sleeve. (Actually, probably not, because he was very supportive when the shit hit the fan. In fact, I had a wobble there because my ex -h would never have cheated on me, I'm
convinced of that. But then again, I would have sworn that my husband would never cheat on me either!)

I went through hell, my innards ached, my stomach felt like it was carrying a tonne weight all day and every day. I went from trying to make him love me a bit more, to not giving a shit. From being all over him, to really hating him. And all this while trying to care for a child with quite severe SEN and an 18 month old NT daughter.

I suppose, in the grand scheme of things, with all the medical emergencies that we had with our SEN daughter, week in, week out, I just let it pass. I had to let it pass. There were urgent and unavoidable health problems with our daughter. And he was the only other person I could rely on to care about out our sick daughter as much as I do.

So we've just rubbed along together since then. For maybe 20 years.
He's forever telling me that he regrets what he did. But it burst the lovely snug warm bubble that I thought I lived in. He claims that he now loves me more. I definitely love him less. But we are still together.

Maybe I rambled off topic, but I got it all off my chest!

So I let it pass, and sort of forgave him by default.
I needed his support at that time, and of course he loves

The last bit of my post was an editorial mistake.

And of course he loves his kids, was what I meant to say.

@Emboo19 there is an infidelity thread if you need to vent at all, though obviously all the advice and encouragement on here has been wonderful anyway! I wish these men could actually understand the full picture of what they do.

Oops!! He was 20 and I was 16 esk1mo it does seem like a big difference now, but it never felt like he was that much older than me probs because he's a immature twat!

His behaviour had been different greit I wouldn't have thought of cheating, no extra phone use or keeping it away from me or anything. But thinking back, he's been more......not affectionate as he always is, but more soppy with it and more for us spending time as a family. I though he was missing us with the working away and that it was a positive effect of his newer work friends. It's hard to explain, but he was suggesting more days out and stuff for DD and he'd say 'Ben' at work took his kids here.

I do believe it was a one off and he regrets it. But he had sex with someone else, it's not something I can forgive.

I feel better this morning, slight headache but I slept through the night and I'm feeling better for that. We'll find a way to make this new parenting relationship work, because we have to really. He's being more than reasonable with money and contact and he's said I can move into the house and he'll go elsewhere if I want (I don't, it's his not mine. Although it's much nearer to uni) we already have plans for her first birthday in October and we'll both just have to suck it up and get on with it, for her.
I don't hate him, I hate what he did but he's not a bad person.

And at least now I can fully enjoy freshers week!!!

I'm sorry for your experience Flowery I can completely understand why you chose to carry on with the relationship in your situation.
I know I couldn't just rub along though, I don't want that.
Could we make it work? Yes probably. But it wouldn't be amazing and maybe I'm showing my youthfulness but I want amazing.
I won't make do, I deserve much better than that.

Emboo: just wanted to echo what others said about how you are dealing with this. You have a great amount of insight and you are going to go a really long way in life.
I got together with my ex when I was just 17, he was 24. When I was 20 I found out he had been having a thing with a friends wife, in the knowledge of the husband (all very odd but she would give him blow jobs in front of the husband). I found this out because I saw him kissing her one drunken night.
After agonising I stayed with him, we'd just bought our first house together. I was so young and a bit naiive. I'd been faithful to him all through uni.
I learnt to forgive and forget but recently I've been thinking about it again. We stayed together for 21 yea S and had two beautiful boys together. I left him 8 months ago because he became more and more abusive.
My point it, looking back, he never respected me as much as I deserved. And perhaps although of course I don't regret having the boys, and we did have a lot of happy times together, we'd have been better to have split then.
Good luck whatever happpens.

Totally in awe of you, you deserve amazing stay strong, enjoy uni, have a few rebound songs!

Stay amicable with him he's a daft twat but sounds
Like a decent dad!

You do deserve better and lack of trust can eat at you it takes years to rebuild and never really goes away ! Don't settle you deserve amazing you're only 20!!

You are right to expect amazing OP. I got married at 40. It was my first marriage and DH's second. It's amazing. I'm glad I didn't marry until I had found DH. We have been married fifteen years and it's still.....amazing

Ha did you mean snogs sparklymarion I can't even remember what it's like to kiss anyone other than him! And he's the only one I've had sex with

Emboo, your DP felt entitled to cheat with this girl and wasn't coerced to do it by his mates. He knows what they're like and could have searched for another job in order to get away from their cheating arses. I think he found the whole scenario quite a rush. It's a shame but he knew what the outcome would be and at every opportunity to say 'no', he didn't:

1. Talking/flirting with her
2. Not telling her about you
3. Arranging to meet in hotel room
4. Meeting in hotel room
5. Getting undressed
6. Having sex

Have I missed any?

Anyway you sound like you've got your head screwed on and I'm so pleased you're going to Uni 😊. What an awesome mummy you are Emboo. 👍

Yes I meant snogs ha ha !! Youl be fine x don't waste your youth on people who don't deserve you I have a husband who adores me and whilst he's not perfect I now what I have is special although has to Kiss a few frogs to get there ...

And as for the sex you wouldn't but the first car you tried and keep for life would you ha ha ha ha 😁😁😁😁😁

Buy (as in keep forever that should say) ...

That's what I keep reminding myself Bibbidee I feel sick at the thought of even kissing someone new, so I just can't see how it was so easy for him. It's not as if I haven't had the opportunity to cheat as well. I've been on holidays without him, plenty of nights out, I wouldn't struggle to find myself a gym boy who'd be happy with a one night thing.

He's making me this morning. I'd text him, to ask when he goes to the bank about taking my name off our joint accounts and he's being really reluctant. He's trying to sell it as him being considerate to me. That I can still use the card if I need extra for DD, same with our savings account. I told him I'd rather it just be sorted now and then I got a text saying 'are you really not willing to try, not even for DD's (name)'. I told him when we spoke that he's not putting that on me, he wasn't thinking of her when he was fucking someone else.

Ha! My friend was saying similar last night sparkly only a little more crudely! He was unfortunately a really good first car though, so hope I'm not disappointed next time.

Emboo - you, and everyone, deserve better and I'm glad you see that. Why settle for him? He hasn't lived up to your expectations. I think you could waste the next 10-20 years on him, as a few other women have said they've done. It's hard as no one is all bad. He'll be the one with regrets in the future, not you. Be prepared for him not being so nice when you don't get over it, though.

Can you change the flight name booked and take a friend to Oz, Emboo?

I don't think you should miss out on the trip. It could be life changing to go for such a nice holiday.

How dare he try and use your dc to get you to stay! No wonder you are getting more angry at him.

You are being so strong, I'm in awe of you.

Oh op this is awful.
Your dp sounds vile the more you post about him.
I hope the woman in the gym tells all her colleagues what an absolute twat he is.
She thought he was single and then he did that to her_ nice.

He isn't sorry at all. He is sorry that he has been caught. Probably resentful of his colleagues who are merrily carrying on.
Their wives and girlfriends will look at him differently now, whilst he will have to suck it all up as he isn't going to spill the beans about the shagging room is he?
He's frightened that wifey will leave and he will be yet another sad bastard in the park on a Sunday with his DC.
He won't be quite as confident so will no doubt be less attractive to other women, yet another blow for him.

No one is going to offer comfort and support to him, that's his issue.
He knows it wasn't worth it. He couldn't risk seeing the gym woman again for 2 reasons.

1. It would absolutely ruin any chance of forgiveness from you.
2. If gym woman found out the truth she would invariably sack him off.

So now he faces the future without you and that is making him feel sorry for himself.
Whilst the others carry on having their cake and eating it, he has been caught.

The immediate future will be very hard for you op.
However whatever you decide to do things will get better.
At your age you have a long life infront of you.
Your future is bright.

hugs warmth and best wishes

you've handled this exceptionally well Lady x

It was inevitable he'd say the thing about trying for DD's sake. Expect more to come. It will work itself out eventually because - despite his disgusting actions and weakness that have shown he's not good enough to be the one for you - he doesn't sound like a horrible person; however, once he realises you're not going to back down he probably will lash out a few times and say some hurtful things to you.

I don't think him not seeing DD for 5 weeks should really be the consideration for you not going to Australia, you wouldn't be behaving unreasonably or trying to punish him and it would the consequence of his unreasonable behaviour, but I do take the point about you doing the massive journey and all the trips, and that length of time, on your own with DD, at the same time as starting your new life at uni, and it might be an idea to postpone it for your own sake.

Are you still going on the holiday you had planned (for which you were doing the shopping)?

I went with him to the bank earlier because he was being a baby unsure about what to do!!
We had a walk round the park with DD after and it was nice, we could talk and it stopped me getting too upset, seen as we were in public.
He apologised for the comment about DD. He said he's worried I'm rushing things and I should take some time to think it through. I've told him quite bluntly, it's not his choice to make, he gets no say over what I want to do. I need it to be a proper break, no space/time apart or seeing how it goes. I can't (because I obviously have a much stronger moral compass than him) move on if we're at that inbetween stage, I wouldn't feel right even kissing someone else. And as my friend pointed out last night, I think we had a good relationship (obvious cheating aside) but I don't really have anything to compare it to, I could have as good or better with someone else (and no cheating).

So he has no choice in what I do, but he does in how we do it.
I've said he needs to leave me alone, unless it's about DD. I don't want to hear his sorry's or how bad he feels. It's not my job to help him feel better, if he needs to talk to someone it will have to be his friends or family.
He needs to accept it's fully over, and that's what he tells people. Not that 'we're sorting things out' which is what he told his mum and his friend.
All I want and expect from him, is that he's consistent with seeing DD and he treats me with the respect I deserve as her mother.

If we do it my way. At the worst I think we could do a good job of co-parenting and maybe even be friends. At the best maybe a few years down the line when he's grown up we decide it's worth trying again.

I'm still going on the holiday next week, it's a villa with my parents and their good friends (my god mum's) and their partners and children. He's happy to change his flight to my friends name so she's coming with me instead.

Australia is more complicated, being over Xmas obviously everyone is with family. My mum did say she'd come, but we'd be leaving my dad or he'd have to get a flight. We've also got a 4 night stopover in Singapore, and it's a beautiful hotel and I was so looking not forward to it.

And I know it's his fault, but I'm trying to think how I'd feel in regards to seeing DD and no way I'd go 5 weeks, especially over Christmas.
So I'm still not sure what to do with that, does travel insurance cover cancellation due to cheating boyfriends?
He's thinking we just go together and he'll find somewhere else to stay when there, he still sees DD, we don't lose any money......I don't know how I'll feel by then though, maybe I'll be over it enough to do it, maybe not!

But banking is sorted as is maintance payments and we've agreed on contact for DD.
We both think she's too young to be away from home more than one night, especially with me going to uni soon and her going to different people while I'm there.
Don't want to miss a whole weekend either, so he's doing fri aft- sat aft one week then sat aft-sun aft the following, then hopefully he's not working away anymore or at least just the odd night, so he's going to come and do bath and bed time two nights, I'll go off to the gym while he's here.
He takes her swimming Sunday mornings and he's asked if he still can on my Sunday, I've said that's fine as long as I haven't got a day out planned.

And I think that's all there is to deal with for now!!
My parents are babysitting tonight so I'm getting dressed up and going out for a few cocktails! Kinda torn over if I'd like to see him out or not. A part of me wants him to see me looking hot and realise exactly what he's lost. Another part, thinks he should be sat home alone crying and not be out at all.

Check your insurance policy but unlikely to cover anything unless with a doctor's note.

You probably have time to cancel the hotels, but most people book the cheapest flights which may not even be movable let alone able to be cancelled.

It's a lot of pressure to be on the other side of the world with someone for that amount of time just 3 months after a break up, not least because he will still be trying to win you round even if he claims he's not. You may well give in, even temporarily, because you are not a robot and you love him and need time to process.

I'm not being flippant about the costs, but could your dad get a flight and also your ex get one to visit but just for 2 weeks in the middle or something like that? It sounds like a great trip and one that would be wonderful to do as a family with your parents and DD, as well as not cutting him out altogether. I do get they may not have the money for that of course.

That's a option I'd not thought of mirialis, he could get a flight with my dad, that would be lovely for him 😂