My DH doesn't seem to desire me?

[ConfusedWomanInHerForties]

Hi all. I am looking for some male or female insight, in to my problem please. Maybe a male could tell me where I am going wrong. Or a female, who has been in this situation, could tell me how she turned things around.

I am mid 40's. Have been with DH for about 9 years. He does not seem to have a great deal of sexual desire for me. We DTD about twice a month, but I feel (rightly or wrongly), that this is obligation on his part.

I used to initiate sex a lot, but after several rejections, I stopped this (although the sex we do have, is still after a gentle hint from me that it's been too long).

I have not let myself go!! I exercise every day. I am size 10 (as I was when we met). I dress nicely. I haven't got any wrinkles yet. I look pretty much as I did when we met. I am not unattractive (sorry, that sounds awful).

I still fancy him as much as I ever did. He really is the only guy for me. I have never rejected his advances. But, just now, I feel kind of....invisible. I could float downstairs in the evening in a sexy nightie, and I would not get a second glance (have done this a few times in the past week, which lead to nothing)

He is not having an affair. He does love me to bits. But the sexual tension (for him), is just not there.

I am torn between just starting to initiate more and swallowing my pride, to totally disengaging, focusing on my fitness and then blowing him off when he finally initiates (which I think he would, if a month went by....he has before, out of duty maybe, and I always go with it as I am gagging by then whereas maybe I should just be unavailable)

The thing is, after about 3 weeks of no intimacy, I actually start to feel miserable, even teary etc, so not sure how much I can go with that plan.

Sorry, I'm rambling.

Also, I feel like time is running out for me. From everything I've read, when you go through menopause, sex drive can dip/wain, so with perhaps only 5 years left of feeling this horny, I am feeling a bit cheated that sex is available so sparsely. I have visions of me at 85, looking back and wondering why I just accepted this.

Everything else about our relationship is totally rock solid.

He should have his testosterone level checked as soon as possible. If they are low, his sex drive will be nonexistent.

Hmm. I have thought about this. Maybe I should think of a tactful way to bring that up (excuse the pun)

Hate to play games but be less available.
Sounds awful .. but it works. Human nature.

That's actually what I am leaning towards. Thing is, I always feel like this when we've had sex, say 2 weeks ago...when we get to 4 weeks, I am so desperate for sex that I don't do "less available". I need to work on that....

I would love for him to come in from work, and find me so irresistable that he would carry me upstairs and rodger me senseless. No matter how lovely my clothes/hair/make up are.....it has never happened. Maybe I am not being realistic?

My biggest piece of advice is to not worry about the conversation being awkward. You need to get this out. Tell him flat out that the lack of sex in your relationship is just not working for you and you want to work together in order to fix this. You've been together a long time. If you can't talk about sex openly you have much bigger problems than a lack of sex.

Aquamarine thanks, but I have had this conversation with him a gazillion times, and it may perk up for a bit, then revert to type. The last time we DTD was about 10 days ago (after a 3 week lull), and I said again how I was fed up that my sex life was completely in his hands, and it wasn't frequent enough. He said he got my point. Since then, nothing at all..... :-(

I'm in a similar situation, my husband and I haven't DTD for over 18 months. I'm 35 and not unattractive, he is 42 and says he has no interest in sex at all. I just can't relate to this, he is self employed and always stressed about money. He makes me feel like sex is a trivial matter and a couple of weeks ago when I confronted him about it, he basically said tough live with it. I've suggested he gets his testosterone checked and he won't do it. Sorry I'm not any help, but just wanted to let you know your not alone. I hope you manage to resolve this.

has it ever been different, OP? did he come back from work and got all fired up when seeing you there and then? If this never happened, and if you usually initiated, then his libido is on low side, maybe he always had low testosterone or something to do with his views on sex.

Huummm,is he using sex as a means of control? Does he feel out of control in other areas of his life ? So by withholding sex he gains back some control in this area....he could also be depressed....OR...once a month might just be normal for him.and once a week normal for you..neither amount is wrong,you possibly have mis matched sex drives.

Sorry but I don't think this is ever going to change. You've spoken to him about it, made the effort with lingerie, you initiate, and nothing has helped. Even if it were linked to a hormonal issue on his part it says a lot that he hasn't been to get that checked out for himself.

If it's any consolation I doubt it's that he doesn't find you attractive, he just sounds like a man with very low interest in or desire for sex. I didn't know that was possible until I got with my ex, he was so terrible at sex and really uninterested in it. I tried so hard for the whole relationship to spice things up but we just never had that sexual tension or desire for one another despite being great friends so the whole thing shrivelled up and we split. In our mid twenties we were doing it maybe once every six weeks! And that was deeply unsatisfying for me.

It's soul destroying to feel undesired, I started wondering if I was just too ugly or fat to be attractive, which I know is ridiculous (I am happy with how I look and never had that problem before or since).

The question is, can you happily remain in this relationship for decades to come, missing out on a full and enjoyable sex life and feeling desired? Some people can. But it's clearly eating you alive. It did me.

10jen2010 I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. 18 months is totally ridiculous, and kudos to you for not walking, because honestly, 18 weeks would see me walking. What are you going to do, because you can't go on like this!!

EezerGoode It won't be about control. It's definitely mismatched sex drives.

KityGlitr when you say, that he just sounds like a man with very low interest in or desire for sex, I know you are right. My Ex had a very high sex drive, he cheated on me and eyed up other women etc. My current DH, whilst the low sex drive is annoying, I have noticed that he doesn't even seem to notice other sexy women in our vicinity (say at a party), part of me thinks, wow, how lovely, the other part thinks "ah, but the lack of sex is the pay off"

If my sex drive was low and then when I did have sex the other person still complained it wasn't frequent enough my sex drive would drop through the floor. Sorry but I think your being way too harsh twice a month isn't that unusual 3 weeks isn't that bad. It's about quality not quantity. I get feeling like he's doing his duty must be hard but he's under pressure too. You need a frank conversation and maybe some couple counselling I think theirs fault on both sides sorry.

Oh.......and here is a funny thing.......I am due a VERY rare night out this weekend, with an overnight stay in a hotel.....odds on, he will initiate sex with me the night before, so that he sets me on my way sexually satisfied.....I have noticed this before.

The thing is, (and I've never felt this way before), I am actually hoping that I get some male attention this weekend, just to prove to myself that I am not fucking dead! I would never cheat, no way, but just to be recognised as a sexy female would be so lovely at this point.

Is he maybe depressed? It's unusual that's all for a man who loves his wife to find her completely undesirable. I think it sounds like there is something else stopping him.

40andFat I don't think he's under any great pressure, tbh. He works (as do I), however, I do ALL the household chores....cooking, cleaning, shopping, washing, putting out the bins, bill paying, present buying.....I do it all.

I don't think he's depressed? He would have no reason to be, anyway.

Hey another one here with a low sex drive partner. We have sex every couple of years!. I'm also reasonably attractive and look after myself. I know it's not about me, and I can live with it. I guess it's up to you whether you can or not. No relationship is perfect but if it's a deal breaker for you, you might have to cut him loose.

Yes totally! But there absolutely are men out there who'll desire the pants off you and keep you up all night on the reg who are also so devoted they'd never cheat. I used to think I know my ex thought I was beautiful but I don't think he ever thought I was sexy or hot. Even when we did have sex it was so bad, his lack of sexual desire for me translated into being a really poor lover who instinctively didn't seem to care about my pleasure or know how to touch me, just went through a couple of rote moves and got his rocks off. Whereas when I've had a guy who's really fancied me he's wanted to spend hours getting to know how I tick and exploring every part of my body. You can just tell can't you.

Out of curiosity is the sex much to shout about when it does happen?

I'd never have cheated either, I decided that the terrible infrequent sex was the price I had to pay to be with him, but it crushed my sexuality. I lost my drive and didn't even masturbate anymore. It's like my body knew my only outlet was him so it thought might as well not bother.

We split and I met a guy four years younger than me who couldn't and still can't keep his hands off me, we'd stay up til 8am some nights when we first met (sorry TMI) and it made me blossom again. I went from being a 28 year old dried up husk to a sexual being again and it's been bloody glorious. I'd never settle for terrible infrequent sex again. I do think my ex was like that with all his partners and doubt he's magically sexually with his new partner now. It's hard not to take it personally. You sound like most guys' dream wife! You keep yourself looking lovely and you're interested in sex. It's a shame your DH doesnt appreciate what he's got. Doubt he can force himself to become more sexual though just like you can't force yourself to stop caring.

Thanks, I don't know what I'm going to do to be honest. There are other things I'm not happy about in our relationship at the moment too, but we have 2 small children and I hate the thought of breaking up their home. I think I need to do my own post for advice. I feel like you, I'm worried I'm going to end up being temped else where. I'm just trying to focus on other things right now and give things a chance. He's looking for a new job, so I'm hoping less stress might help. Ever hopeful!

Thing is everyone has a different sex drive. I imagine there are thousands of women your age pn MN that would think twice a month was perfect. Others who wouldn't- maybe its too much or too little.

And unfortunately sex within a relationship will always (or should) go at the pace of the person with the lower sex drive. Half your battle is not to take it personally and decide out how much is pure frustration and how much is feeling unsexy, ie what is physical and what is physiological.

If he doesn't naturally have a high sex drive wafting around scantily clad will have no effect. Try and think back to periods in your life where you had a low libido. I bet even (insert name of fav fantasy male) couldnt have roused you!

I think you need to ask him how he really feels and take it from there.

Woah - you definitely need to stop "doing it all." You're not his mother. Is that the dynamic your marriage has taken on? As in you're his mummy who does everything for him. Yuck. There is NO NEED to live like that.

Maybe if you start living more of your own life and doing things without him he might realize that the current state of things isn't working.

79andnotout That sounds untenable?

KityGlitr Your relationship sounds wonderful! I'm very happy for you! In answer to your Q, when we have sex it is very satisfying for me, but...this is because I fancy him so much, that I can orgasm PIV very easily. He is big handsome guy, so it's easy. Technique however is very lacking, it's just lucky for him that he is so sexy, iyswim.

10jen2010 Ah, that's very hard with small DC to consider. Perhaps when they are older, you will both rediscover your mojo??

wherearemymarbles You are correct when you mention "Try and think back to periods in your life where you had a low libido. I bet even (insert name of fav fantasy male) couldn't have roused you"....with my ExH after having 2 babies very close together, he couldn't arouse me....Geez, I am paying for this now, aren't I? Karma!

Maybe if you start living more of your own life and doing things without him he might realize that the current state of things isn't working

THIS ^^ is where my head is currently at, actually.

My job makes it very hard to socialise (anti-social hours), plus I have moved far away from friends (for work), so I have no females to go to bars with (I honestly think, if I got dolled up and went out without him, he would be like a meerkat sitting up and taking notice). But actually it's not impossible to carve out a social life, if I made more effort, and I wouldn't do this to get more attention from him, I would do it, as it would be good for me, and it would reinforce my worth as an individual, which lately has been left lacking due to neglect.