My DH doesn't seem to desire me?

[ConfusedWomanInHerForties]

Hi all. I am looking for some male or female insight, in to my problem please. Maybe a male could tell me where I am going wrong. Or a female, who has been in this situation, could tell me how she turned things around.

I am mid 40's. Have been with DH for about 9 years. He does not seem to have a great deal of sexual desire for me. We DTD about twice a month, but I feel (rightly or wrongly), that this is obligation on his part.

I used to initiate sex a lot, but after several rejections, I stopped this (although the sex we do have, is still after a gentle hint from me that it's been too long).

I have not let myself go!! I exercise every day. I am size 10 (as I was when we met). I dress nicely. I haven't got any wrinkles yet. I look pretty much as I did when we met. I am not unattractive (sorry, that sounds awful).

I still fancy him as much as I ever did. He really is the only guy for me. I have never rejected his advances. But, just now, I feel kind of....invisible. I could float downstairs in the evening in a sexy nightie, and I would not get a second glance (have done this a few times in the past week, which lead to nothing)

He is not having an affair. He does love me to bits. But the sexual tension (for him), is just not there.

I am torn between just starting to initiate more and swallowing my pride, to totally disengaging, focusing on my fitness and then blowing him off when he finally initiates (which I think he would, if a month went by....he has before, out of duty maybe, and I always go with it as I am gagging by then whereas maybe I should just be unavailable)

The thing is, after about 3 weeks of no intimacy, I actually start to feel miserable, even teary etc, so not sure how much I can go with that plan.

Sorry, I'm rambling.

Also, I feel like time is running out for me. From everything I've read, when you go through menopause, sex drive can dip/wain, so with perhaps only 5 years left of feeling this horny, I am feeling a bit cheated that sex is available so sparsely. I have visions of me at 85, looking back and wondering why I just accepted this.

Everything else about our relationship is totally rock solid.

Well, here's an update, which I thought was good.... but maybe not....

Wednesday morning, we had a rare lie in (no work) and he woke me up with a hard on, and we had sex. It was a big shock, and a very nice surprise. Given that it's been about 6 weeks since we last DTD.

Fast forward to last night, we are still off work, so we opened some wine and had a lovely night, and me (bulled up by wine and our recent sex) I stupidly got all gooey and blurted out "would you like some more sex in the morning" (I know, what a twat), and his reply was "maaaayybe". Fucking Maybe???? Maybe????

I've slept in my son's room (empty, as he's at Uni) and I think I'm done.

On the upside, I've thrown myself into my fitness and I'm looking fucking good. I need to get out and flirting, I think.

:-( :-( :-( :-(

That's what I get confused about as well. When we DTD it's great and I think we've solved the problem and surely the OH will want a repeat and then nothing.
I'm moving into the flirting area just to aid my self esteem. Evening out with girls this weekend. I will try to look a million dollars and hopefully he will notice what he is missing.

I used to do the asking for sex too. I would always try ( this memory makes me both sad and angry beyond measure at the waste and futility of a very healthy receptive sexy woman) and suggest to my h that it would be nice to make love..(I initiated sex all the time).......without exception the reply would be.......”We’ll see” ...or. “If you are nice to me”.

“Nice” meant no pressure, no upset, no mildly construed unkind word or look throughout the day or evening....one false move and I knew it was not going to happen.

It was not a threat - it just gave him an excuse not to have sex.

It still makes me sad and angry.

Have you had a conversation with him OP? To ask if his libido is low in general or he just doesn't fancy you?

I think he has performance anxiety. This is why when you wake up all relaxed,( and one of the biggest testosterone boosters is sleep, it also reduces cortisol, which reduces libido dramatically), and he has the equipment ready, without any time limit or pressure, he is ok. Asking him (even in the nicest, sexiest way possible) to be ready at a certain time and place is putting pressure and he does not want to be caught short. Probably purely psychological, unless he is not healthy. Worth a visit to the GP for him.Not a reflection on you. I know this is only my opinion, but if this is a deal breaker, leave him in the correct way. I am sensing am undertone that you may be considering doing something that may not be morally right. I might be completely wrong. I understand you are a healthy, fit sexy woman who is not satisfied, but please try to resolve this without doing something you may regret. I may be completely wrong here, but that is my two cents worth.

The op has said a few times that she wouldn't do anything to harm her marriage but it is so, so hard to be rebuffed over and over again.
When you know you look good and feel great it is very difficult to avoid temptation.

I understand, at least I think I do. A few years ago I was overweight and stressed having moved to the UK from abroad. She was doing all the initiation and I was not showing much interest. It was still 2 - 3 times a week and good in both our opinions, just not enough for her. She had an emotional affair with an ex. (Said he was just a friend of her brother) She lied to me about it and for months it was touch and go. He lived far away, but if he had not, who knows how far it would have gone. We talked and talked and finally got through to each other. I learned what she wanted. She wanted the athletic, confident, highly sexed man I once was. I lost 15 kg and got fit. This helped with the stress. She lost weight too. We communicated on a deep level. So what I'm saying is, there but for the grace of whatever you believe in, go I. That's the short version. Sorry to bore you. I think the serious conversation, talking about everything, from fantasies to reality, has to happen. I would not have forgiven a physical affair, but I can say we are better now, having saved it before it got to that. I'm not saying OP would do it, but a woman who suddenly got the attention she craves and probably deserves, but does not get from her DH, would be crazy and acting contrary to nature if she did not react. So be careful what you wish for. Sorry for the rant. I hope you can all resolve what seems to be a common problem. I can only give my view.

Just wanted to say I know how hard this is for you.......similar situation here..I can't go on like this :(

So many of us in a similar position. I would never have known before reading Mumsnet!,,,

Stop asking for sex. It works better that way.

It does, as long as you're fine that you'll never have sex again.

Stopping asking for sex just builds resentment in my experience. It doesn't solve anything....

In my experience it helped me, as I didn't get upset from the constant rejection & feeling like I was begging for crumbs.

But as a result, I have probably checked out

I'd have thought most women know what it's like to be pestered for sex. It's annoying and it actually puts you off.