My DH doesn't seem to desire me?

[ConfusedWomanInHerForties]

Hi all. I am looking for some male or female insight, in to my problem please. Maybe a male could tell me where I am going wrong. Or a female, who has been in this situation, could tell me how she turned things around.

I am mid 40's. Have been with DH for about 9 years. He does not seem to have a great deal of sexual desire for me. We DTD about twice a month, but I feel (rightly or wrongly), that this is obligation on his part.

I used to initiate sex a lot, but after several rejections, I stopped this (although the sex we do have, is still after a gentle hint from me that it's been too long).

I have not let myself go!! I exercise every day. I am size 10 (as I was when we met). I dress nicely. I haven't got any wrinkles yet. I look pretty much as I did when we met. I am not unattractive (sorry, that sounds awful).

I still fancy him as much as I ever did. He really is the only guy for me. I have never rejected his advances. But, just now, I feel kind of....invisible. I could float downstairs in the evening in a sexy nightie, and I would not get a second glance (have done this a few times in the past week, which lead to nothing)

He is not having an affair. He does love me to bits. But the sexual tension (for him), is just not there.

I am torn between just starting to initiate more and swallowing my pride, to totally disengaging, focusing on my fitness and then blowing him off when he finally initiates (which I think he would, if a month went by....he has before, out of duty maybe, and I always go with it as I am gagging by then whereas maybe I should just be unavailable)

The thing is, after about 3 weeks of no intimacy, I actually start to feel miserable, even teary etc, so not sure how much I can go with that plan.

Sorry, I'm rambling.

Also, I feel like time is running out for me. From everything I've read, when you go through menopause, sex drive can dip/wain, so with perhaps only 5 years left of feeling this horny, I am feeling a bit cheated that sex is available so sparsely. I have visions of me at 85, looking back and wondering why I just accepted this.

Everything else about our relationship is totally rock solid.

This probably isn't the wiser, take-the-higher-path approach but I would be inclined not to respond to his advances the night before you go away. I'd be saying nicely I was tired. You could suggest he puts the bins out or some other task while you're away and see whether he will do that.

butterymuffin You are right. I am not going to have sex with him, before I leave on Saturday. He knows I'm horny. Let him know I am going out, without him, dolled up and horny. I'd never, ever cheat btw.

Sorry, but tou have to divorce your sense of self worth with someones libido.

Low libido doesnt mean you dont fancy someone it means you have libido.

But you need to ask him what he really feels and if you could try once a week or something

wherearemymarbles .....I have told him, that my ideal is 3 times a week, but that I would be happy to compromise to once a week. Nothing has changed. We average once a fortnight (always nudged by me). Longest we have been is 7 weeks. It would have been longer, had I not got tearful.

Should be low libido!

And it is over within 10 minutes, because I have been left so long to fester, that I climax almost immediately (and then he stops).

I think you misunderstood my point. He is under pressure to have sex with you which is killing his libido even more. He obviously does have a low libido but my point is that when you do have sex then complaining that you wish it happened more is making things worse. Also I don't think 2-3 weeks is that bad I know plenty of people who do it once a month and are completely happy. The issue is your mismatched libidos at this point in your relationship and how it's making you feel.

Chap here, who has been in your DH's situation. I think there are two main possibilities here. You have to ask him which it is and hope you get an honest answer. Either he is not very interested in sex generally, or he is but he doesn't fancy you. It could be the latter particularly if your relationship has always had a strong friendship element and was not very sexually charged at the start. If so then since attraction usually wanes with time you may now be in the friendship zone for him. If you look back to how it was at the start that may give you some idea. If the quality was really good then - in the sense that ^kityglitr* mentioned, as opposed to just being frequent - then perhaps that can be rekindled. If not, you may not be sexually compatible.

Some people assume blokes are quite robotic when it comes to sex, which is wrong. Like women, many blokes spend years stuck in perfectly companionable relationships where they fancy the other person just enough to have shagged them quite often at the start, but not enough to explore them sexually or to keep any sexual frisson alive, past the first couple of years. The two are totally different.

interesting, dogfish, your last paragraph! how to tell in the beginning though - when passion/novelty is still high?

Tbf not all men who absolutely love and fancy their partner are confident or skilled enough to be a very attentive lover, it's kind of a talent. But if there is potential for that in a man, interesting how to see if you are truly desirablee to him (as in long term)?

I've been here and its soul destroying. I used to feel like almost had to trick my exp into intimate situations with me where he might eventually feel horny. It wrecked my confidence and left me really frustrated. Its a completely different story with my now DH as we are very well matched thus satisfied.

If as you say you really want it 3 times a week, then in reality you and him are not well matched, are you? Which sounds so harsh, I'm afraid, but it's the truth, isn't it?

LoveforPGTipsMonkey (like the username!) I agree with what kityglitr said, that there is a difference between the inevitable novelty and enthusiasm at the start and longer lasting desire which is partly mental and very subjective. But if he didn't really desire her in that way at the start (even though they may have had sex much more frequently - not the same) then it may be hard to kindle that now because the companionship they have now built up almost runs counter to it.

IME situations like this don't change. I think cut and run personally. I am 48 and now feel that I look old and that I couldn't meet anybody else anyway . Could have left my H a lot sooner (also due to him being very difficult generally) and maybe I could have met someone, but it is only now that I can begin to wrap my head around not being with my dc all the time . So I don't regret that. Though they have witnessed a really crap loveless relationship in the last 5 to 7 years at least .

So I have filed for divorce, and the horrible feeling of being married but completely unwanted has gone. We will probably still be in the same house for ages, but I guess I am now single.

Sex wise - for years it was roughly every 6 weeks with me always initiating and feeling desperate. No affection in between. In the year before our current estrangement, it was 3 times. H effectively said that sex was no longer a part of his life (indirectly, he said it to the TV when there was some related thing on). When I said that I don't want my sex life to be over, he said "I'm sure you don't". Nothing else.

Yet now that I have initiated divorce (tbf also because of a lot of other difficult things), he is making things difficult and is literally ignoring it all.

So he doesn't want me at all, but wants me to stick around so that he doesn't go through the losses that divorce will bring.

I think it's very hard to change someone else's libido. I don't think changing things about your life or your behaviour will change anything - though maybe I am wrong. I think you maybe have to bring up separation as an option, and only then he might realise how important this is to you?

I have been there. I disengaged and it led to 4 years of no sex! I was only in my late 20s early 30s.

That relationship ended and been with my now my DP for 3 years. He can't get enough of me, and I'd say I've let myself go!

This isn't about you or you body or looks. Chose a time when you are both relaxed and have a conversation about how you feel. Tell him you are concerned and suggest a visit to the doctors. He may be depressed. You aren't going wrong anywhere.

taxcreditsquestion - I know that feeling. The feeling of apathy from the other partner about not feeling loved. It cuts right through you. For me it wasn't about sex in the end, it was about feeling loved, desired and cared for. No affection and living like housemates for 4 years is what got me.

BTW - you are still young. Once you have finalised the divorce and given yourself time to heal you will find that out! You a grieving but that will pass. Good luck!

Thanks meyoure .

Yes, the absence of care, affection and in my case, any kind of interest.

This is all so frustrating to hear, apart from a brief 'sympathy' shag two years ago we hadn't had sex for over 4 years and even then that last time was just to try for our second DC, it wasn't at all affectionate from her side, very robotic, it was horrible. I was never a sex pest, previously we had an amazing sex life and both initiated. Anyway here we are years later, she's having an affair with a 54 year old (I'm 42), it's soul destroying, I would have given anything even for a hug, affection let alone a good old shag. My belly was always used as the excuse last 4 years, I had tried so many times to lose it but low mood and comfort eating out paid to that.

Anyway enough of my woes, has anyone mentioned anything about porn, is the OP's DH looking at a bit too much?

Is there any other intimacy between you that doesn't lead to sex? Does he hug you or kiss you or cuddle you, or is he afraid that, if he does, it will mean it has to lead to sex?

I couldn't care less if I never have sex again, but I still like to be cuddled, hugged, etc. Unfortunately my OH doesn't believe in any physical touching that doesn't lead to sex.

We muddle through, in our way, because we don't live together. Does your DH feel a little like me, I wonder? I'd love more hugs, kisses, cuddles, but am afraid to initiate them because it will immediately be seen as a 'climb aboard'. Maybe start small, with touching that isn't sexual, and build up from there? (I'd love my OH to do this...)

Start pleasuring yourself, frequently. Stop initiating and stop trying to drop hints. It is shit and I hate playing games but this really is the only thing that works. I was in the same situation with my DH about a year ago, since then I have started medication which has depleted my sex drive so I stopped initiating and showed little interest in it; we are now having sex more than ever %80 of the time initiated by him.

Really sorry but he's bored. I'm sure he loves you entirely but just because you love someone that doesn't mean you want to roger them at the drop of a hat.

If you want me to explain more I will but it won't be pretty.

From one in a similar situation, my sympathies (or perhaps that should be empathies?).

I started typing a lengthy response, but this says it all better than I can...

www.experienceproject.com/stories/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/3661509

If you want me to explain more I will but it won't be pretty.

Yes please explain more how bad can it be??. Unless it's too graphic, then maybe not!!

I loved my ex, she was great, clever, funny, had a voracious sexual appetite, was an all round good egg and a top lady.

I just bored of having sex with her, I mean, really, really, really bored. You yearn for something new and different, even just a different nipple!

I think it's all just down to the way some people are wired and I'm sure there are women who get exactly the same "bored" feelings. It's just how some people are.......I used to think I was really shallow but on reflection I am not.

Hmm - maybe I can cope with that. Quite sure H was bored of me too. It's easier than thinking I was/am totally undesirable.

The thought of him being completely into someone new in bed is painful though.

And now he might be one day (or already has for all I know) .

Anyway, apologies, not my thread.

I guess that hormonally speaking sex is for reproduction. It would stand to reason that we would lose interest / spread our progeny wide or whatever the saying is....

I could have handled a conversation about it and everyday affection, but there was none of that.

Yes, I don't mean to hijack the thread but will say this. I'm starting to think that the couples who are into "swinging" may actually be onto something positive and dare I say it healthy. relationship wise.

If I could reiterate, I loved my ex dearly, I just got bored of the sexual routine....although there was an awesome and quite unexpected night in a hot tub in Sherwood forest.