My DH doesn't seem to desire me?

[ConfusedWomanInHerForties]

Hi all. I am looking for some male or female insight, in to my problem please. Maybe a male could tell me where I am going wrong. Or a female, who has been in this situation, could tell me how she turned things around.

I am mid 40's. Have been with DH for about 9 years. He does not seem to have a great deal of sexual desire for me. We DTD about twice a month, but I feel (rightly or wrongly), that this is obligation on his part.

I used to initiate sex a lot, but after several rejections, I stopped this (although the sex we do have, is still after a gentle hint from me that it's been too long).

I have not let myself go!! I exercise every day. I am size 10 (as I was when we met). I dress nicely. I haven't got any wrinkles yet. I look pretty much as I did when we met. I am not unattractive (sorry, that sounds awful).

I still fancy him as much as I ever did. He really is the only guy for me. I have never rejected his advances. But, just now, I feel kind of....invisible. I could float downstairs in the evening in a sexy nightie, and I would not get a second glance (have done this a few times in the past week, which lead to nothing)

He is not having an affair. He does love me to bits. But the sexual tension (for him), is just not there.

I am torn between just starting to initiate more and swallowing my pride, to totally disengaging, focusing on my fitness and then blowing him off when he finally initiates (which I think he would, if a month went by....he has before, out of duty maybe, and I always go with it as I am gagging by then whereas maybe I should just be unavailable)

The thing is, after about 3 weeks of no intimacy, I actually start to feel miserable, even teary etc, so not sure how much I can go with that plan.

Sorry, I'm rambling.

Also, I feel like time is running out for me. From everything I've read, when you go through menopause, sex drive can dip/wain, so with perhaps only 5 years left of feeling this horny, I am feeling a bit cheated that sex is available so sparsely. I have visions of me at 85, looking back and wondering why I just accepted this.

Everything else about our relationship is totally rock solid.

I was with a low libido partner previously and it might be once a month he would initiate and I would be rejected the rest of the time. I have a very high sex drive but I was conscious of not pressuring him and just ended up feeling undesirable and unhappy. We just were not compatible really. There were other issues but this was a big factor in the relationship ending.

I am now married to someone who has a similar sex drive to me and it is great. I know obviously illness or injury could affect us at some point but that is different from being rejected all the time and not knowing why. There is also a lot more intimacy in general in this relationship with holding hands and cuddling.

I think it would be helpful to think that if this is just how he is wired, can you live like this? You can look into his testosterone and various other things but this could just be how he is naturally and you have to decide if you can accept it

I ended it! Different reasons for lack of sex etc but end result the same. Like you confusedwoman I am slim, good skin etc no matter what he would not seek help he could have gotten help but refused. He said he found me attractive but I don’t think he did. Four years of no sex (amongst abuse etc) I left him. I just couldn’t live without having sex. My now fiancé has s high sex drive luckily. It doesn’t seem like it’s going to change for you. Like sandy said broach the subject of an open marriage and I bet he will be horrified! He won’t change though! Imo you will probably need to end things and seek out what you need!

I think he needs to see a Dr. Sounds like he has ED & is avoiding having sex as a result?

OP... Was it always like this?
Many men seem to 'go off the boil' mid 40's
Maybe some kind of male menopause.
It's peak stress times... They are often climbing career ladder to new heights, got mortgage, kids etc...
I had a dexh with no sex drive at all... Turned out he was actually attracted to men but in deep denial.
I am embarrassed to say I did have an affair after yrs of just thinking I was fat and ugly (i wasn't)and sex was just something I didn't really need... The affair was a revelation... Sex suddenly became something you actually did for fun, pleasure etc not because you felt you ought.
I am now with the man I had affair with and 9 yrs on still get ravished on the kitchen table when he or I get home as we can't even make it up the stairs...
I don't think your dh will suddenly change, you can either live with it, buy a good vibrator (though not the same as loving intimate sex) or leave.
Don't Have N affair...

Sorry to hear things haven’t resolved themselves. I realised that my husbands lack of interest was actually part of a wider problem of emotional and financial abuse. He is very controlling and manipulative. I’m now divorcing him and looking forward to the future. Good luck OP, whatever you do.

Well (weirdly), we woke up this morning with my head on his chest. This is normally only a position I'd be in, if I was feeling loved up (which I wasn't), so yeh, weird...he said something along the lines of "hmm you like that position", but said it in a way that made me think that he didn't.

Tonight, I have come to the spare room to sleep, given that I want to stay up longer than him (but I have to be in a bedroom for the dogs to settle). No arguments from him, quele surprise.

Fucking fucking hell.

When I read these I feel awful for use being rejected all the time does all sorts of bad things to u and u're that desperate that when he says yes u jump on him then tell him u need more is not gd cause when u tried with him he rejected u have u tried doing that to him n see how he feels and wanting to go out and be noticed by men to know your still sexy is shit also dangerous if one offers u to much attention it's easily done especially if drink is involved if hubby isn't willing to do anything about it then tell him ure not happy he doesn't make u feel sexy and u're not being satisfied

Could he be watching a lot of porn?
Just wondering if that might be it.
Would he go to the docs to look into this?
Get some little blue pills to help him out maybe?
He may need some counselling even.

After my hysterectomy, I went to see my gp and said, "my libido has completely gone", he should do the same.

He seems to be treating you with contempt IMO. This happened to me until I found out the reason why which was years of porn and sex workers. Had no clue except he didn't want sex with me.
Are you sure hes not cheating?
I would check this possibility out if I were you. Check ATM withdrawals and phone bills etc. Just to be on the safe side and do it secretly.
You never know.

He's definitely not watching porn. And he's definitely not cheating. He hardly ever goes out, through choice. He meets friends for a drink maybe twice a year, and is always where he says he is, never comes home late, never stays anywhere else over night etc. I have full access to his lap top/phone/facebook/e-mails etc, I know all the passwords etc.

He does love me, of this I have no doubt. He treats me very well. Never forgets a birthday/anniversary etc. He's affectionate. Tells me he loves me every day.

We have a nice home, nice cars, enough money for nice holidays/meals out etc.

Everything is perfect, except for this one thing.

I'm going to try to chill out about it. Not that easy at certain times of the month!

Do you have children, OP? If so is he their father?

Does anyone find that due to lack of intimacy/sex you think about sex a lot more than you would if you were getting it?

I do. Being starved of affection tends to make me think about it more and more. Also becoming obsessed with it.

MyBrilliantDisguise I have 2 children (adults now). They are not his. But he has been their step dad for 10 years. They are now adults though, and have been living away from home for about 3 years. That makes me sound older than I am, I'm in my 40's.

M7864 I think you are correct. What is your situation?

Since I last posted, my DH had a little illness. He is now back to work though. We went to the pub about 2 weeks ago, and I brought up our lack of intimacy (saying I'd love to sort it) and his response was "I can't believe you are bringing this up when I am ill. I'd never ask you for sex if you were ill". This is despite him being back at work, scoffing pizza and wine the day before etc. So, I said "ok" and I've not brought it up again.

Strangely, I can feel myself detaching. Not in a nasty way, I love him loads. Just in a "I can't be bothered to give this any more headspace" way. I've thrown myself in to my diet and fitness and I'm not making any moves on him whatsoever (which I haven't done for a while actually). I think he can sense the shift, as he's being more affectionate. But I have an overwhelming feeling of "MEH".

When you're referring to "males" and "females" is that dogs or cats or cows or rats or what?

NotTheFordType What do you mean?

I understand how you feel op, really I do. I have been in this position for twenty three years now. Your “overwhelming feeling of MEH” suggests you have reached the next step down.

My husband was never highly sexed and it took me years to realise I always initiated sex. I was young and it did not occur to me that he should be making approaches to me. (!)

My h became impotent due to a medical condition and I think he was just grateful that any/all the expectation was thankfully taken from him.

He unilaterally decided that my sex life ended at that time too. I was in my early forties. Since that time there has been zero intimacy whatsoever. Nothing.

He is a good husband in other ways, kind and happy to go along with life together. The “meh” attitude is mine now and has been for years. It is so sad, we could have had a much happier life together. A relationship without intimacy is hard to live with, we are just platonic friends. I had children and did not want to split up an otherwise happy family so I stayed. In fact it did not occur to me to leave. I just had to accept it. This is not to say I am not sad, angry and resentful,- most of the time now.

Please op think about the next thirty plus years. “Meh” is just the start of the way you will feel now - don’t let it escalate into sadness in older age.

ConfusedWomanInHerForties

And it is over within 10 minutes, because I have been left so long to fester, that I climax almost immediately (and then he stops).

So are you saying that once you are ' done'. He just pulls out and he doesn't come himself ? If is that would ring alarm bells for me. Had it always been like this ? He doesn't sound like a very sexual person. Does he do other things to you or is it just the deed ? Sounds like a duty fuck, which would be a no no for me.

40andFatI don't think he's under any great pressure, tbh. He works (as do I), however, I do ALL the household chores....cooking, cleaning, shopping, washing, putting out the bins, bill paying, present buying.....I do it all.
You could be in a happy relationship with a man who loves and respects you. Who doesn't make you all the grunt work and shows you he loves you and who desires you. You don't have to put up with this

I think you need to ask him whether he actually fancies you or if he's got a low libido. It may be that he still fancies you but his libido is so low and he doesn't feel like sex much, or it may be that for whatever reason he doesn't.

I would also tackle the fact you're doing all the household chores.. he doesn't even pay bills or put out the bins?

Why are you accepting this inequality in your relationship? Why do you see your role as the household slave?

I meant to ask if sex had ever been good? Was he ever enthusiastic?

So are you saying that once you are ' done'. He just pulls out and he doesn't come himself ? If is that would ring alarm bells for me. Had it always been like this ? He doesn't sound like a very sexual person. Does he do other things to you or is it just the deed ? Sounds like a duty fuck, which would be a no no for me

^^This.

Male perspective /opinion here. Firstly, I'm sorry this is happening to you, sex is important, but even if that goes through a bad patch, kissing and cuddling are very important so that you know you are wanted and desirable. I'm mid forties and aware that I'm not getting any younger, but I try to eat well, keep fit and look after myself. I'm not sure how well or fit and healthy your man is, but it is vital. Also it is true that male testosterone levels are at the lowest levels across all UK men, but there are ways of counteracting this natural drop through diet and exercise. You man may not be stressed at work, but if he had tried sex and been soft, this is a major cortisol ( stress hormone) increasing state to be in. It's certainly not going to help. To me, the main thing is for you both to be open and honest about this issue, just as is if was a financial problem. Doing some reading might help, the men are from Mars, women from Venus book is good at getting the opposite sex perspective. For example knowing that you want to feel appreciated, desired and wanted. Men get lazy when married and happy, and sometimes need to be shaken from the slumber they get into. He needs to step up, in my opinion, even if he has a low libido, there is a lot he can do even if he does not actually do the deed. All the people saying leave him alone, you're mismatched and it's not his fault need to understand that he still needs to make the effort to show he is putting something in (no pun intended) he also might be more in the mood if he sets out to give a good back massage, with no expectations of more. I don't always feel like DTD and even less when pressured, she is insatiable and has been all through 23 years of marriage and three children. We have sex a lot... But we are physically in contact a lot too, cuddles massages and stroking. The two go together. Just an opinion.

In exactly the same position and know all about the feeling of rejection on a regular basis, it really is soul destroying. My OH is more than happy sitting on phone/tablet/laptop and probably getting their intimate kicks this way. Whilst I am left to smoulder (literally) and grieve for what used to be.