My DH doesn't seem to desire me?

[ConfusedWomanInHerForties]

Hi all. I am looking for some male or female insight, in to my problem please. Maybe a male could tell me where I am going wrong. Or a female, who has been in this situation, could tell me how she turned things around.

I am mid 40's. Have been with DH for about 9 years. He does not seem to have a great deal of sexual desire for me. We DTD about twice a month, but I feel (rightly or wrongly), that this is obligation on his part.

I used to initiate sex a lot, but after several rejections, I stopped this (although the sex we do have, is still after a gentle hint from me that it's been too long).

I have not let myself go!! I exercise every day. I am size 10 (as I was when we met). I dress nicely. I haven't got any wrinkles yet. I look pretty much as I did when we met. I am not unattractive (sorry, that sounds awful).

I still fancy him as much as I ever did. He really is the only guy for me. I have never rejected his advances. But, just now, I feel kind of....invisible. I could float downstairs in the evening in a sexy nightie, and I would not get a second glance (have done this a few times in the past week, which lead to nothing)

He is not having an affair. He does love me to bits. But the sexual tension (for him), is just not there.

I am torn between just starting to initiate more and swallowing my pride, to totally disengaging, focusing on my fitness and then blowing him off when he finally initiates (which I think he would, if a month went by....he has before, out of duty maybe, and I always go with it as I am gagging by then whereas maybe I should just be unavailable)

The thing is, after about 3 weeks of no intimacy, I actually start to feel miserable, even teary etc, so not sure how much I can go with that plan.

Sorry, I'm rambling.

Also, I feel like time is running out for me. From everything I've read, when you go through menopause, sex drive can dip/wain, so with perhaps only 5 years left of feeling this horny, I am feeling a bit cheated that sex is available so sparsely. I have visions of me at 85, looking back and wondering why I just accepted this.

Everything else about our relationship is totally rock solid.

OP have you asked him what turns him on? That sort of conversation might be fruitful.

dogfish (glad there's another Monkey fan here - yes it sounds like for OP it as never that passionate with her partner but I don't think she mentioned the beginning of their r-ship, so not sure.
You are prob right that to be long term there has to a deep mental attraction - though often it's not a good one, i.e. people get stuck mentally on a type (say, a distant/cool person who is an eternal challenge) that's no good for them.

Hopefully she will update us following a rockin' weekend.
You 'um it son, I'll play it.

So, an update. He tried to have sex with me, on the day I was leaving. I know why he does this! He doesn't want me horny on a night out! The rest of the time, I get left wanting! I said no. The day I got home, there was no sex. The next morning there was. I think it was pure guilt. That's me ticked off for another month, I dare say. No kisses/cuddles since. I got chatted up on my night out. I'd never do anything inappropriate, but it was so nice to actually feel desired. :-(

I feel so sad for your husband tbh.
I dare say if a man was complaining his wife didn't give him sex often enough, he'd get told he was a sex pest, that it isn't OK to try to pester or force someone into having sex. The fact you guilt him in to it, by actually getting upset and crying, and telling him you're not getting it often enough with these talks you instigate, i'd honestly consider what you're doing to be emotional abuse.
Also, why is everyone jumping to "He must have low testosterone, he needs to go to the doctor and have tests". Someone not wanting to have sex is perfectly allowed, it doesn't mean something is "wrong" with them. Again, i bet nobody would ever make the suggestion a woman who doesn't have a high sex drive should immediately go to the doctor and get tests because something must clearly be wrong with her!
If he's similar age as you, then he is probably just at the natural point in ageing where his sexual desire starts to drop off. It is not uncommon for men to have their "prime" sexually in their 20's/30's, where as women have their "prime" 30's/40's even 50's.
Being badgered for sex won't make him feel good will it, you'll just put him off even more if he never gets to have the kind of break between sex HE wants, rather than what you are willing to put up with then turn on the guilt trip. You've basically made sex a chore for him, an obligation, not something to enjoy but something to do out of a sense of duty. You flitting about in scanties will just make him feel pressured because he'll know whats coming, the expectation of him to have sex with you.

The honest reason he probably tried to have sex with you the day you were leaving, is probably because he's scared of getting cheated on. He knows he doesn't want sex as much as you do, he knows how massive a deal it is to you too have regular sex. He's aware you're attractive (not wanting sex doesn't mean he isn't attracted to you, it means exactly that, he doesn't want sex) and men will be interested, and knowing how much sex is a big deal to you, he's probably not 100% trusting of you to not ha a one night stand or affair. Yes, you say you would never do that, but that doesn't mean he believes that. Especially considering you are emotionally abusing him with the pressure, guilt, and complaints about lack of sex.

If sex is this big a deal to you, you need to leave him. You're undoubtedly making him miserable, making him feel shit, not good enough etc, just because he doesn't desire sex as much as you/at all. One or both of you will end up just plain resenting the other, if you don't already. It's not healthy, give both of you the chance of finding someone more compatible while you're still relatively young and have the chance to find what you're looking for.

It doesn't make a difference how good you look!

Your libidos are mismatched and will, most likely, remain that way.

Your libidos are mismatched and will, most likely, remain that way.

This

Take a step back and look at your relationship dynamic because your sexual incompatibility has led to game playing and resentment. You craving attention from random males and him, 'giving' you sex in an attempt to quell your urges enough so you don't have sex on a night out. Is this what you want from a relationship?

You may think that an affair is out of the question but where do you see this going if the status quo remains? Has it ever occurred to you that twice a month is the compromise for him and actually he'd prefer it less.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with your H's sex drive and he isn't broken. The problem is that your drives are incompatible and given the lengths that you both now use the frequency of sex as some kind of carrot/ stick to control the other, suggest that you are so far from a resolution that the resentment accumulated has already poisoned your relationship.

It's time for both of you to stop thinking of the other as broken but to accept that sexually, you aren't on the same page and that there may not be a compromise that satisfies you both.

As Dogfish said above, I think he could be bored - a "mating in captivity" situation. What is his relationship history? Is there something to learn from that?

If you've moved away from family & friends, and are very dependent on the relationship, perhaps he is feeling suffocated.

Either way, it's time to stop taking this personally & let it affect your confidence & self-esteem. I'd be putting myself out there a bit more, with hobbies/gym/interests & seeing how he reacts. You have nothing to lose by doing this. If you split, a better social life can only be a great I'd thing.

Also you don't mention how old you are? In your 20's & early 30's, I would say run for the hills.

i'd honestly consider what you're doing to be emotional abuse

What? Me wanting to sleep with my husband is abuse? Sometimes, I really don't understand the people on MN. I adore my DH. I fancy him so much. I do want sex with him. But that is abuse?

I am only in my 40's. Am I supposed to accept no sex now? That doesn't sit ok with me.

I probably wouldn't let him mark his territory the night before you leave for the hotel like he usually does.

Dogfish and Daddy talk a lot of sense on this thread. It is very possible for men to have a low libido with one person and a rampant libido with another. I would almost certainly say that if he did have a Testosterone test it would be normal.

Doesn't help you but it could well be that he just doesn't desire you that much. He may love you, think you are a great partner and mother to his kids but the animalistic hunger for sex isn't there for him. I have had partners who I wanted and had sex with every day. Others I could go weeks without. All nice women etc but I didn't fancy them as much as the others. I found them attractive though and they ticked lots of boxes but I just didn't want to have lots of sex with them.

Age could be another factor, a lot of men lose interest as they get older particularly if the desire is not there.

It does sound a bit controlling tbh. If his libido is the issue why hasn't he been to the doctor to try and do something about it. He knows it's upsetting to you and from the sound of it you are doing absolutely everything in life for him. Why is that, why doesn't he do his fair share of the housework, childcare, shopping, bill paying etc. I was in a relationship for too many years to mention where I did everything and was conditioned and manipulated into feeling like it was all my responsibility. You should may not be like this at all but it does sound like you are doing too much. He also knows that you want sex by initiating just before you went away so he is using sex in that way.

So he initiates sex about once a month and it's a blowjob?
That's a fucking joke. This man is a joke. Your marriage is a joke.

He doesn't fancy you. You are like a sister to him. He gives you just enough not to starve so you won't beg for morsels from someone else. If I were you I would get the fuck out right now, not caring about the "rock solid" part of the relationship. His cock should be rock solid, btw...

If you knew what it feels like to be desired by a man on a daily basis, you would leave this clown of yours.

Just wondering what if he has passive-aggressive personality traits? (Withholding intimacy & sex can be one of these).

Was he ever highly sexual with you? Or is this the way things have always been?

Maybe he is just too comfortable & likes an easy life of you doing everything round the house.

I don't think you are being abusive (FFS) for feeling upset & rejected. It's soul-destroying.

Would he consider couples counselling, or would you go alone?

Not discussing it is a deal-breaker.

I also think you have to consider that he is using porn, getting it elsewhere or has just checked out of the relationship but is passing time till something else comes along. Sorry.

You haven't really touched much upon Joe your relationship was at the start. Is it very different now?

There are also a lot of moaning grouchy badly dressed , hugely overweight and unhelpful older guys out there who expect their partners still to be totally up for it at all times and seem oblivious to the fact they simply aren't that attractive. With women it starts in the head and whilst that doesn't mean that some women just'go off it' regardless of what the guy is like , there are many who to be honest simply are not that attracted sexually to guys they have made lives with

I thought I'd give a little update. Sadly, things are no better at all. We had a big heart to heart about the lack of sex in early January.

We had a city break booked for mid January, and he kept making inuendos, about how we would be having sex in crisp hotel sheets....it didn't happen. In a 4 night break (in which I wore a lovely, sexy nightie) we had a 10 minute fumble, and he was soft. Aargh!

Since home, we've had sex once, and he was soft again. I ended up telling him he could please me with his hands. He said "how" so I gave him instructions (he is 45!) and it worked. But, crucially, no sex since....................

I have no idea what to do!

The writing is on the wall isn't it?

Do you really need to wonder what to do? It's pretty obvious.

I’m sorry to hear that @confused :( is he stressed about anything? Me and my partner have similar situation but the other way round. He wants sex every day if he could, but atm we have just been having it about once every ten days. He gets very upset about and cries sometimes and I feel terrible but there’s nothing I can do about it when I just don’t feel like it. I have a lot on my mind and I just don’t feel horny. I love my partner very much and don’t want to be with anyone else but he says I make him feel ugly and unwanted. Sometimes I have to make myself have sex with him to stop him getting upset :( I have had anxiety and depression on and off since I was 15.

I could have written your first post, OP. I’m madly in love with my husband, and he’s amazing to me but things are just so difficult when it comes to sex. I know the cause (medication he’ll need for the rest of his lofe), but it doesn’t make things easier. He’s had tests to establish if his testosterone levels etc were an issue but no, they’re fine. I was actually hoping a small issue would be uncovered that we could find a solution for.

It’s devastating, isn’t it? I utterly adore him, he’s an amazing husband and sex with him is fantastic, but he’s just not interested. I can go about 4 weeks before I get involuntary tetchy. I’m not proud of it, but that’s how my brain reacts. TMI but, after a month of no physical contact, sex feels over stimulating and I orgasm very quickly and then feel ashamed. He just wants it over and done with.

It’s the intimacy I miss. I’m 35 and don’t know if I will regret living like this in another 40 years.

I think I’d be an idiot for ending a very good and happy marriage just because of sex issues. It feels almost shallow to contemplate it.

My self/esteem has never been lower. I’ve gained weight. Nobody else would want me anyway.

@ConfusedWomanInHerForties
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My STBXH was like this as well. I always had to initiate sex. In the end I stopped to see if he'd make an effort and he didn't. Maybe because he had porn which was far easier than making an effort plus he didn't have to bother with the intimacy.

He eventually had an affair. I can imagine his sex life is awesome tbh, all that exciting forbidden sex, love and no kids to affect it. Ah well.

here we are years later, she's having an affair with a 54 year old (I'm 42), it's soul destroying, I would have given anything even for a hug, affection let alone a good old shag. My belly was always used as the excuse last 4 years

Dadoctave: you don't have to put up with this treatment

@10Jen2010

he basically said tough live with it.

I wonder what he'd say if you raised the topic of an open marriage.

I find his response to you very selfish.

A man in his position should not be surprised if his wife has an affair.