Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

Alfie it just sounds like your husband takes you completely for granted. He doesn’t think you will leave/ make him leave so he does whatever he wants and if you find out just lies through his teeth. You need to concentrate more on you. Get your hair done and new clothes because it makes YOU feel good and because YOU like the way they look. If you don’t seek validation from a man, you won’t be disappointed when you don’t receive it. Having said that it’s a pretty basic courtesy in a relationship to compliment your partner on a new look, rather than the opposite. Maybe it’s his sense of humour but does he show you love in others ways or just makes you feel bad?

Your daughter probably loves the fact she can borrow your clothes and is proud to have such a trendy mum. Dress in whatever makes you feel good and don’t worry about age!

I completely hear you about feeling insecure. I don’t know a great deal about the OW in my situation but she is over a decade younger than me and attractive. I don’t think I look bad for my age but it still makes me feel awful. My looks are only going to fade with each passing year and I won’t be able to compete with girls my husband works with who are 20 something. The truth is that I shouldn’t have to but now I feel that whenever things are difficult between us he might have his head turned again, now it's already happened. Before this happened I felt completely secure in our relationship and in his love for me but now it’s all shattered. I hate feeling like this.

It’s awful when that trust goes. Can it ever be won back?

I really don’t know Screaming. I’m pretty sure I’ll never feel the same way I did before. There were quite a few red flags looking back, but I was oblivious because I was so confident in my trust for him. I’ll never be that blinkered again. If I found out he wasn’t where he said he was, before I would’ve just thought oh plans must have changed, but now if that happened my heart would plummet to the floor.

It’s funny because I think I still do trust him about going out and being away but I hate his phone with a passion. It has come to symbolise the affair for me. I want to smash it. I have full access to it and have done for years- I never noticed him protecting it during the affair. I have all his passwords for everything and I mean everything, I could wipe his accounts out and bring a major bank to it’s knees with some of these passwords.
He happily hands it to me to go through without me asking but every time he looks at it I want to scream.

Screaming, I feel the exact way. I have visualised grabbing that fucking phone and lobbing it across the room or smashing it into the floor so many times.

His affair was mainly conducted by messages and they only actually met up a few times before I found out. He’s so insensitive he doesn’t seem to realise how much it kills me when he casually glances at his phone and starts tapping away. I know his passcode so I can check it, and do in a regular basis. I’m almost certain he’s not messaging her but it still really winds me up as it reminds me that when it was going on, and I thought he was writing work emails or whatever, he was actually messaging her

@StarlightSparkle @Screaminginsideme Same here, I hate his phone I to imagine grabbing it and throwing it up the wall, Every time he looks at it my heart jumps, He used to always be on that thing it drove me mad, It was the only thing I we ever argued about!, I to can now look at his phone whenever I want, but what is the point? He just deletes everything straight away like he was before. I used to joke about him having a second phone hidden in his van, as that's what one of his friends did when he had an affair, but he didn't need one because he covered his tracks well, and he knew I trusted him and I never knew his password back then. He used to take the piss out of me when I asked him if he was having an affair and joke about having a PA. Its as if he was laughing in my face the whole time.

Yep I also hate dh phone I think I know the passcode but like you said what’s the point he deletes everything

I'm a year since D day today. Spent most of last night arguing.
When does this awful feeling of rejection and the arguing end?

I had a good look at the surviving infidelity site yesterday and there is a good recovery plan in the just found out section. I sent it to H last night for him to ready at work. One of the things it says is about not deleting anything without approval from the betrayed party.

He has damaged me so seriously. He points the finger at me - no doubt I wasn't the best yet I worked on myself to show signs of improvement and be a superior spouse.

I did everything for him. I can't place this in to words.

Hi supa

An affair is only ever the fault of the wayward party. They made a choice.
You can be responsible for issues in your relationship but they are 100% responsible for choosing to cheat.

X

Completely agree with Screaming. There may have been issues in your relationship but that is absolutely no excuse to cheat. He made those decisions and has to take responsibility for them and stop blaming you.

I wish I could turn off like he has. I figure he continued ahead to his new relationship long ago.

How would I make myself irate at him?

I agree screaming

Is anyone experiencing/ has experienced hysterical bonding? How long did it go on for? At the moment it feels like it’s the only thing keeping us together but I’m worried about what happens when it wears off and things go back to ‘normal’ (not that they will ever be normal again).

When the affair happened our sex life was far from great, as for various reasons I didn’t want it, so suddenly wanting it all the time is not typical for me.

Yep. 2months out and still every night.

Definitely when this first started now I’ve found out he lied about going for a drink with her 2 months ago I am not sure if it’s hysterical bonding or me coming off the mini pill which has definitely been the best contraception as I totally lost my libido. I hope it’s just me getting my libido back as I really don’t want to be making love to my husband just so he doesn’t contact her or anyone else to get his kicks

I found her address on a bright yellow post it tucked inside his diary from last year. The diary was in his coat pocket. Ive been through that diary with a fine tooth comb several times and her address was not there. He says It was always there and Ive missed it!
He was at the branch just across the road from her house last week.
Last weekend, he organised a lovely birthday party for me.
He says Im imagining it and have to move on. He got angry today when I mentioned it.
What the hell am I to do?

Yep I went through the hysterical bonding stage, now I just fucking hate him, and want to stab both of them in the face.

I’m sorry Frances, I wish I knew what to advise. If I found any evidence of contact I’d be devastated and frankly if I knew 100% that there couldn’t be an innocent explanation it would be the end for me.

The fact he has gotten angry with you instead of being sympathetic suggests guilt. If it’s completely innocent he should be trying to reassure you and should understand that it’s his past behaviour that has made you unable to trust him.

Broken, I seem to fluctuate between the two. On good days the HB is alive and kicking but if I’m having an angry day I don’t want to be near him and sometimes kick him out into the spare room. It’s so hard being on such a rollercoaster.

Can I join this thread please? I found out 18 months ago my H had multiple affairs plus used escorts during our marriage. I was in turmoil and I spent a year deciding what to do and finally six months ago I left him.
I’m probably deluded, but I thought our marriage was a happy one and believed him when he said he was distant and distracted due to work pressures.
I’m in my 50s and my children are grown up. I didn’t want to stay in family house as there were too many memories. Today I feel so very sad and miss my old life although I realise I was living a lie. When will this pain go?
Hello to everyone on this thread, I’m sorry we are all suffering.

Hi welcome to our little group of warriors!

Frances i’m With starlight if it was innocent he’d wouldn’t be angry with you- the anger comes from guilt. He might not have met with her but he thought about it at the very least. I’m so sorry.

Wtf- i’m Only 3month out from DDay so I can’t help with your question but it was all on him not on you- give yourself a break. X

Everyone I tell my story people tell me that they must have had sex, that they are both still lying. I keep asking him about it- I flipped the question last night and asked why they didn’t - it just never happened was the answer.
On The surviving infidelity site(USA heavy) they all seem to have made their cheating partners do a polygraph before trying to reconcile. I’d love to do that especially as it was 8 years ago and their isn’t any physical proof to find and they use the passage of time as an excuse.

We went away this weekend with two lovely couples we’ve done this for a few years now. We had fun but h had to stay back with you gets DC because they were ill the first night and I hated it.
One couple we have they type of friendship where I have similar tastes to the Dh and my H with the DW. Always been funny and never felt threatening before. This weekend we played games in the evening and I really triggered over this connection.
There is no way anything untoward has gone on but I think about the times we had the same joke with OW and her DH and it hurts.

Hi wtf and welcome. Sorry to hear what you have been going through.

Screaming, to someone completely outside the situation, it does seem likely that they would have slept together. They had betrayed you anyway so what would have stopped them? What have they said happened - just kissing? And buying a vibrator.

But the OW told you what happened of her own free will? What was the reason to suddenly tell you now - to unburden herself? In that case you do think why not tell the full story then? It’s tricky to know the truth.

My H initially said it was only kissing, then that stuff happened but they didn’t sleep together... I finally got to the truth by calling his bluff. Called up the b1tch and then told him I’d spoken to her before they had chance to convene. Told him she’s told my her version of events and I want to hear his version again and if anything he says differs, we are finished. He finally admitted that they slept together.

The confession timing still gets to me- her H forced her hand basically.
I asked both h and OW for full disclosure - they both knew I’d asked the other for it. I though they would be truthful but they both left out the vibrator . As i’ve Said they had 8 years to come up with a story to stick too.
They confessed to touching, kissing, phone sex and sexting.