DH stag do

[shamenamechange]

Name-changed because I'm completely ashamed of how pathetic I'm being...

I have general anxiety disorder and PTSD which was triggered by a sudden abandonment in childhood. I've been dealing with it all my life. DH and I had issues at the very beginning of our relationship where he suddenly ended things while he was out of the country and disappeared from my life pretty much without a word for over a year. It was a very complex situation but essentially he had a nervous breakdown triggered by the death of a close relative. This obviously led to my PTSD flaring up quite seriously. We're now 7 years on and have been to lots of counselling etc to work through it which has really helped, but we have definitely developed a bit of a co-dependent relationship as a result - we've never spent a night apart (through circumstance but also through mutual choice - i.e. when one of us has gone away for work, the other has come too).

Anyway, DH has been invited to the stag do of one of his old university friends. While the stag isn't a particularly close friend, it will mean getting together with his whole group of friends, some of whom we haven't seen in a year or so. Importantly, we might not be able to go to the wedding (for practical reasons beyond our control) though we'll do our best to be there.

The problem is, I really don't want him to go. There are some sensible and justified reasons why (I think?!!) but they're all so tied up in the emotional/PTSD-brain reasons that I can't trust that I'm not just being completely unreasonable. I was hoping you all would (gently) help me figure out what's reasonable and what's not, and whether or not I should say something to DH.

This is how I see it...

Reasonable:

• We've just bought a house and are about to have twins so are pretty much broke, and this stag do will cost upwards of £600. We CAN afford it in that we can take it out of our savings but they're for house renovations / baby things / covering my mat leave so it's not ideal.

• I will be around 26 weeks into my pregnancy by the time of the stag do. I've had 2 previous miscarriages (albeit both in the first trimester) and I'm scared of being here on my own in case something goes wrong. He'll be at least 5 hours away, including a flight.

• We now live in a different country so I have no friends or family around for support or company.

• Bit outing but the stag do is in the location where DH's close relative passed away and he always swore he would never go back because it would be too distressing (and has avoided doing so in the past). I'm scared being there will trigger another breakdown.

Unreasonable:

• I get really bad anxiety around his safety, especially when he flies and I will be anxious for months in the run up as well as the whole time he's there. The last time he flew I had several panic attacks and cried for the entire time he was in the air.

• I know I'll spend the whole weekend paralysed with anxiety and not able to do anything - I know everyone will recommend that I watch films/chill out/enjoy alone time etc etc but I absolutely will not be able to. I manage this okay when it's for shorter periods e.g. when DH goes out for the day/evening, but I can't bear the thought of having to do it for such a long stretch of time. This is made worse with him being out of the country - it triggers memories of our break up and while logically I know that wouldn't happen again, it still stays in my mind.

I KNOW these two things are my problems and mine alone and normally I'd just suck it up and deal with it but I'm worried about it impacting the babies.

I'm not worried about him being at a stag do, DH is really not the kind of guy to visit strip clubs/cheat and nor are his friends, but I'll worry regardless because I'm insane but I don't think it's a good enough reason to even include on this list as it is 100% my insecurities, he's never really given me any reason to worry.

I haven't said anything to DH, although I suspect he knows me well enough to know I'd be worried. He's a bit concerned about the money thing and also about the babies, and is considering not attending of his own accord, so I know that if I also raised concerns then he wouldn't go.

But I don't want to say anything until I've figured out if a "normal" non-anxious, non-PTSD-having person would do the same. My PTSD already controls so much of my life - I try really hard to stop it from impacting DH any more than it already does.

My counsellor recommended talking to DH about it but I know that if I do, he just won't go!

Please help me, Mumsnet and sorry this is so long, just didn't want to dripfeed!

You've got to face into this & tackle your issues.

Of course he should go

I think it'd be healthy for him (and you) to spend time apart, no?

We do spend time apart (we both have individual hobbies) but this would definitely be the longest time.

You've got to face into this & tackle your issues.

i agree, and i have been and am... but I can't do anything about the money or pregnancy thing, obviously.

Everything else aside, taking £600 out of savings so he can have a jolly when you've been putting it aside for house renovations, babies, and maternity leave is not a good idea.

Would you also get £600 for your own personal spending/jolly should you want it?

Anne I wouldn't take it because i'm definitely more financially cautious than he is, but if I had a good reason he would be happy for me to do so - he's very generous with money.

I think he's annoyed at how much it could cost too but i suspect he would feel it was worth it to see his friends.

Honestly? I think he should go. Does your counselor know that you go on each other's business trips? It does sound like a very co dependent relationship, and I think you need to try to address this further before you bring the babies into it. You need to be able to model a happy, healthy relationship for them.

You worry about it impacting your unborn twins, but actually your condition is going to impact them a hell of a lot more once they are here. So I think you should do everything you can to cope with your MH as best you can - not just the counselling, but exposing yourself to the situations.
I'd see what support you could get around you - could a friend not visit you? - and hole up and do it.

It sounds horrid and exhausting for both of you

While I actually think it would be healthy for both of you for him to go, I know we wouldn't have been dropping £600+ on a stag do when I was pregnant.

DH did go on one over two nights when I was about 32 weeks, but it was more affordable, so to me it would be more about whether you can afford this without it impacting you negatively later on.

Bertrand Thank you for being honest and i do completely agree with what you're saying about modelling a healthy relationship. It's very hard for me because i'm aware my thinking is very skewed and it means I don't really know what a healthy relationship looks like, so it is something I'm working on.

The business trips thing is actually probably not that significant - it's only happened twice and both times it was to a destination we both wanted to visit so we turned it into a mini-break. but yes my counsellor is aware that it's quite co-dependent. Our shared counsellor didn't feel it was a problem because we were both happy with the status quo (and we do spend time apart on a regular basis). But situations like this i'm hyperaware of it.

You can't keep going on each other's business trips forever, not with children in tow, who (one day) would be missed from school.

Even if there are some valid reasons (like cost) maybe it's time to face a period apart that is a particularly difficult one - e.g. with flights, this trigger location. Maybe then, you can hold on to having got through that, when you're struggling with more simple nights apart. Obviously apologies if it makes no difference.

As you share a counsellor, if you do want him to go but you think he'll refuse if you share your fears - can you make a counsellor supported session of it?

So you can push him to go despite your reservations but have a plan for managing it as much as possible?

Ellisandra In general it doesn't really impact us day to day (as impossible as that sounds!) as I actually have it pretty under control - it's just that DH going away is my single biggest trigger! For example i've been very zen about the pregnancy. Hvaing said that, I do definitely agree that I should expose myself to more situations and I've been working on that - but I'm worried this is sort of a big jump too far, too quickly maybe? But maybe it would be a good baptism of fire.

gandalf This is where I'm confused. It feels reasonable to me to be worried about the money and I feel like if i DIDN'T have all this emotional baggage it would be a bit of a no-brainer for me to say "no it's too expensive". But I just can't quite tell! We can afford it in that we have £600 in savings but it could impact us down the line as I will need to go back from mat leave early if we run out of money.

No, at 26 weeks with twins and no other support, he should not leave you and be a 5 hour flight away to go to an overpriced party for someone he isn't close to. No, no, no.

This is part of the downside of living far from a support system.

because I'm insane
You are NOT insane.
Circumstances, you life, past experiences etc... mean you have some mental health problems. Don't call yourself insane - that won't help.

And I don't think any of us on here can really comment.
I for one, have absolutely no idea how awful this must be for you.
You've been through so much and are dealing with it all as best you can.
I can't imagine him leaving you home alone to have panic attacks and cry is a good idea while you are pregnant with twins.
If this was a 'normal' situation then of course I'd say - he should go.
But this is not.
This is a situation I can't ever imagine having to face.
If your counsellor suggests you speak with DH then please do that.
You'll bottle it up and worry even more otherwise and that's not healthy.
I do want to reach through your screen and give a big (((((HUG))))) though.

You can't keep going on each other's business trips forever, not with children in tow, who (one day) would be missed from school.

Gosh, no, of course - I do realise this and I know it will come up (and am prepared for it). I suspect it will be easier for me when we have the twins as my priorities will shift, and actually I don't think a business trip in general would bother me massively now. I think the flight is a massive exacerbating circumstance though.

We don't have a shared counsellor here - we've recently moved and things have actually been so much better for the past few years. I still see an individual counsellor though so could maybe ask him to come to a session.

No-one can say whether the £600 is a good enough reason not to - but honestly, it does sound like it won't break the bank.

And this might sound weird... but if a baptism of fire would be helpful therapeutically, I'd actually consider that £600 part of the cost of a therapeutic intervention - which makes it better value for money!

I know being told to chill and relax isn't going to help

But when he's away, can you do something like massage (someone qualified with pregnancy massage) and hypnosis, and the crunch times - for example, hypnosis during the time that he's on the flight?

TrailingWife He IS close to him in that they're all part of a big group, but he's not one of his best friends if you see what I mean.

I'm hoping we'll develop more of a support system here over time but we've not been here very long!

Hmm you're asking for honest opinions but to every poster that says it would be good and infact healthy for him to go YOU are putting obstacles and counter arguments up.
Why ask ?

He should go. You need to work other this for when you're children are older.

Gah typos!! Work ON this for when your children are older

hellsbellsmelons Thank you so much for being so lovely. I do sometimes wish I could properly express what it's like to have a PTSD-triggered panic attack so people would understand what I mean when I say that I'll be paralysed with anxiety for 4 days. Past experience tells me I will struggle to leave the house, I'll be nauseous and weepy, I won't sleep etc etc. But I KNOW this is my issue and I need to learn to deal with it all better, so I feel guilty putting any of it on him. And in the eyes of the rest of the world this IS a "normal" situation and I'm just abnormal... so it's hard to feel justified in asking him to accommodate me (even though he absolutely would).

Ellisandra Those are all lovely and very sensible ideas and I wish I could explain why they wouldn't work for me in a way that would make any sense to anyone without anxiety. :( But I will try and make sure I have someone to talk to (on the phone) when he's on the flight as that might help.

Peakyblinders I don't think that's fair - in fact TrailingWife said he shouldn't go because they're not that close and I explained that they ARE close. In fact I can't really see anywhere in my comments where I've raised a counter argument that suggests he shouldn't go?

The ONLY reasonable reason not to go is the cost. However you do have it in savings and it's worth it to see long lost friends and have a good time.
I don't think it's fair tbh for you to say what If I have a miscarriage etc. That just seems manipulating to me.
I'm sorry if this seems harsh I don't mean it in a horrid way, I'm just being totally honest.
I myself absolutely hate if OH goes away for the night. I keep thinking he's gonna crash or get hurt or drink too much etc. So I know how horrible it is to have that anxiety.
But it's not fair on him so I deal with it myself. Keeping busy and trying to do stuff I enjoy.
Just food for thought... once the babies arrive you will have a lot more to worry about. Like when someone else drives your child, when they go to play dates, school tours etc. So it's very important for you to try and get this sorted or under control first.
I would try and see this as a challenge. I know you can do it.
If I did, so can you
My anxiety also stems from a childhood trauma and OH knows this so he will always txt me as soon as he's there and again when u txt I'm going to bed he will always reply but I do try not to txt too much.
I hope this doesn't sound too harsh.
I think you should let him go if he wants to.
You can just post here all night about your feelings if it helps. X

£600!!!!

Do you have everything you need OP For during pregnancy as well as after............like decent maternity bras for example.

I dont think blowing that amount of money at this stage is a good idea.

You are already convincing yourself it will all be difficult and talking yourself into negativity. Of COURSE he must go. You are not going to be able to continue this life when you have children. You need to fix this for all your sakes.