Name-changed because I'm completely ashamed of how pathetic I'm being...
I have general anxiety disorder and PTSD which was triggered by a sudden abandonment in childhood. I've been dealing with it all my life. DH and I had issues at the very beginning of our relationship where he suddenly ended things while he was out of the country and disappeared from my life pretty much without a word for over a year. It was a very complex situation but essentially he had a nervous breakdown triggered by the death of a close relative. This obviously led to my PTSD flaring up quite seriously. We're now 7 years on and have been to lots of counselling etc to work through it which has really helped, but we have definitely developed a bit of a co-dependent relationship as a result - we've never spent a night apart (through circumstance but also through mutual choice - i.e. when one of us has gone away for work, the other has come too).
Anyway, DH has been invited to the stag do of one of his old university friends. While the stag isn't a particularly close friend, it will mean getting together with his whole group of friends, some of whom we haven't seen in a year or so. Importantly, we might not be able to go to the wedding (for practical reasons beyond our control) though we'll do our best to be there.
The problem is, I really don't want him to go. There are some sensible and justified reasons why (I think?!!) but they're all so tied up in the emotional/PTSD-brain reasons that I can't trust that I'm not just being completely unreasonable. I was hoping you all would (gently) help me figure out what's reasonable and what's not, and whether or not I should say something to DH.
This is how I see it...
Reasonable:
- We've just bought a house and are about to have twins so are pretty much broke, and this stag do will cost upwards of £600. We CAN afford it in that we can take it out of our savings but they're for house renovations / baby things / covering my mat leave so it's not ideal.
- I will be around 26 weeks into my pregnancy by the time of the stag do. I've had 2 previous miscarriages (albeit both in the first trimester) and I'm scared of being here on my own in case something goes wrong. He'll be at least 5 hours away, including a flight.
- We now live in a different country so I have no friends or family around for support or company.
- Bit outing but the stag do is in the location where DH's close relative passed away and he always swore he would never go back because it would be too distressing (and has avoided doing so in the past). I'm scared being there will trigger another breakdown.
Unreasonable:
- I get really bad anxiety around his safety, especially when he flies and I will be anxious for months in the run up as well as the whole time he's there. The last time he flew I had several panic attacks and cried for the entire time he was in the air.
- I know I'll spend the whole weekend paralysed with anxiety and not able to do anything - I know everyone will recommend that I watch films/chill out/enjoy alone time etc etc but I absolutely will not be able to. I manage this okay when it's for shorter periods e.g. when DH goes out for the day/evening, but I can't bear the thought of having to do it for such a long stretch of time. This is made worse with him being out of the country - it triggers memories of our break up and while logically I know that wouldn't happen again, it still stays in my mind.
I KNOW these two things are my problems and mine alone and normally I'd just suck it up and deal with it but I'm worried about it impacting the babies.
I'm not worried about him being at a stag do, DH is really not the kind of guy to visit strip clubs/cheat and nor are his friends, but I'll worry regardless because I'm insane but I don't think it's a good enough reason to even include on this list as it is 100% my insecurities, he's never really given me any reason to worry.
I haven't said anything to DH, although I suspect he knows me well enough to know I'd be worried. He's a bit concerned about the money thing and also about the babies, and is considering not attending of his own accord, so I know that if I also raised concerns then he wouldn't go.
But I don't want to say anything until I've figured out if a "normal" non-anxious, non-PTSD-having person would do the same. My PTSD already controls so much of my life - I try really hard to stop it from impacting DH any more than it already does.
My counsellor recommended talking to DH about it but I know that if I do, he just won't go!
Please help me, Mumsnet and sorry this is so long, just didn't want to dripfeed!