DH stag do

[shamenamechange]

Name-changed because I'm completely ashamed of how pathetic I'm being...

I have general anxiety disorder and PTSD which was triggered by a sudden abandonment in childhood. I've been dealing with it all my life. DH and I had issues at the very beginning of our relationship where he suddenly ended things while he was out of the country and disappeared from my life pretty much without a word for over a year. It was a very complex situation but essentially he had a nervous breakdown triggered by the death of a close relative. This obviously led to my PTSD flaring up quite seriously. We're now 7 years on and have been to lots of counselling etc to work through it which has really helped, but we have definitely developed a bit of a co-dependent relationship as a result - we've never spent a night apart (through circumstance but also through mutual choice - i.e. when one of us has gone away for work, the other has come too).

Anyway, DH has been invited to the stag do of one of his old university friends. While the stag isn't a particularly close friend, it will mean getting together with his whole group of friends, some of whom we haven't seen in a year or so. Importantly, we might not be able to go to the wedding (for practical reasons beyond our control) though we'll do our best to be there.

The problem is, I really don't want him to go. There are some sensible and justified reasons why (I think?!!) but they're all so tied up in the emotional/PTSD-brain reasons that I can't trust that I'm not just being completely unreasonable. I was hoping you all would (gently) help me figure out what's reasonable and what's not, and whether or not I should say something to DH.

This is how I see it...

Reasonable:

• We've just bought a house and are about to have twins so are pretty much broke, and this stag do will cost upwards of £600. We CAN afford it in that we can take it out of our savings but they're for house renovations / baby things / covering my mat leave so it's not ideal.

• I will be around 26 weeks into my pregnancy by the time of the stag do. I've had 2 previous miscarriages (albeit both in the first trimester) and I'm scared of being here on my own in case something goes wrong. He'll be at least 5 hours away, including a flight.

• We now live in a different country so I have no friends or family around for support or company.

• Bit outing but the stag do is in the location where DH's close relative passed away and he always swore he would never go back because it would be too distressing (and has avoided doing so in the past). I'm scared being there will trigger another breakdown.

Unreasonable:

• I get really bad anxiety around his safety, especially when he flies and I will be anxious for months in the run up as well as the whole time he's there. The last time he flew I had several panic attacks and cried for the entire time he was in the air.

• I know I'll spend the whole weekend paralysed with anxiety and not able to do anything - I know everyone will recommend that I watch films/chill out/enjoy alone time etc etc but I absolutely will not be able to. I manage this okay when it's for shorter periods e.g. when DH goes out for the day/evening, but I can't bear the thought of having to do it for such a long stretch of time. This is made worse with him being out of the country - it triggers memories of our break up and while logically I know that wouldn't happen again, it still stays in my mind.

I KNOW these two things are my problems and mine alone and normally I'd just suck it up and deal with it but I'm worried about it impacting the babies.

I'm not worried about him being at a stag do, DH is really not the kind of guy to visit strip clubs/cheat and nor are his friends, but I'll worry regardless because I'm insane but I don't think it's a good enough reason to even include on this list as it is 100% my insecurities, he's never really given me any reason to worry.

I haven't said anything to DH, although I suspect he knows me well enough to know I'd be worried. He's a bit concerned about the money thing and also about the babies, and is considering not attending of his own accord, so I know that if I also raised concerns then he wouldn't go.

But I don't want to say anything until I've figured out if a "normal" non-anxious, non-PTSD-having person would do the same. My PTSD already controls so much of my life - I try really hard to stop it from impacting DH any more than it already does.

My counsellor recommended talking to DH about it but I know that if I do, he just won't go!

Please help me, Mumsnet and sorry this is so long, just didn't want to dripfeed!

OP, I was very much where you are right now last year when DH got sent away with work and due to vastly different time zones, I would barely be able to speak to him at all when he was away. I had full blown panic attacks before he left culminating in me making him take out decent life insurance because I was 100% convinced something would happen during his flights, I would be left without my DH and the house would be repossessed.

Whilst he was away I didn't sleep for the first 3 days. I decided a project was what I needed to keep my mind off things so I redecorated our bedroom. It helped me massively by knackering me out so I slept at night without him and giving me something to kill time during the days as I was off work at the time.

In all honesty, him being away did me a massive favour. It's broken my co-dependence on my DH and I now find it much, much easier when he's away. Just grit your teeth and everything will be fine

I would usually say let him go and face your fears if being alone but £600 no way! If that is earmarked for your Mat leave and baby things then no he shouldn't go, family and kids come first.

Sorry sparkling but I profoundly disagree with your philosophy. Indeed it is not healthy to be co dependent but a. OP knows she is condependent and doesn't need you insulting her for it and b. Do you think she is honestly choosing to be this way? I pray that you never have to know what it is like to experience such crippling anxiety that the second your "safe person" (in this case OP's DP) leaves the house you fall apart and can do nothing but sit there and desperately try to get your heart rate down. ANY decent partner will accept your anxiety and support you, and understand that this is NOT you being difficult or possessive or "clingy", but you having genuine mental health problem which you are trying your absolute best to overcome and heal from.

I wish you all the absolute best OP, I was in your shoes this time last year, I have now grabbed my problems by the throat and am dealing with them and now feel able to deal with DH leaving me for a night or two (I now every quit enjoy it as I get to watch what I want on the and starfish on the bed: a concept which I never understood a year ago!!) you will get through this, get the treatment you need and take care of yourself xxxxx

Hard to say - sometimes giving a partner space for a big treat is great at a time like this, at others it isn't viable which is also fair enough. It may be easier for you for him to do something like this now than in your first years as a parent, which is worth bearing in mind.

I'd see how big a deal it is for him (if he's really, really keen that's very different to being ambivalent) and weigh up together what the money means to you - which is v individual - fortune to some people, insignificant to others. I'd keep the emotional issues separate if you can.

My h just disappeared on a stag do when I was 26 weeks with twins (and a 2 + 3 year old). He just didn't come home from work on the Friday then tried to gaslight me about how we had talked about it. I have left him now but the stag do was in this country, i have assumed the gaslighting was because he knew it was bad so I don't think the worrying about the pg is that out of proportion (or the money TBH).

I probably wouldn't have said I didn't want him to go anyway. We DID talk about the wedding of the same couple and decided him flying to Italy was just not happening because I would have been too pg.

As it transpired I went to 40+3 but I was really quite unwell all the way through; HG, lost lots of weight then high BP and on bedrest for the end. That weekend he disappeared I only barely managed to physically cope TBH.

Being pg with twins is hard TBH. IME there is no let up, you get huge, feel constantly exhausted are constantly being sick and in pain.

You may actually be so physically exhausted and ill by 26 weeks you won't have capacity to feel anxious anyway.

Personally I think it's unreasonable to justify that amount of money from your savings for a stag do.
It's a lot of money.

Just to update for those who missed it...

It turned out all the angsting was for nothing (sort of) as when I got home DH had decided he didn't think it was a good idea to go because of the money and also because he felt it was too late in my pregnancy to leave me alone. So I didn't have to say anything! However, I DID talk to him about it anyway (as much as I wanted to just bury it under the carpet!) and explained my thoughts and all my reasonable and unreasonable reasons! He agreed with all the reasonable ones but said that if it was just a case of me being anxious, in this instance he still would have gone as it's important to him and he agrees it's time for me to start working through it.

So I suggested he invite his best friend over and they go hiking and camping for a day or two. That seems like a good place to start and means that I can hang out with his best friend's very sensible, non-anxious wife, which will be very good for me! Baby steps, but in the right direction.

Thank you again for all of your help and support, everyone - it was so helpful to be able to organise my thoughts and get alternative perspectives.

Winter Thank you so much for your support throughout this thread - I can tell from your posts that you really get it and I really appreciate you being so kind.

NotQuiteJustYet Taking on a project is a really good suggestion and I'll definitely try that when DH goes away camping.

Sparkling I am getting lots of help, don't worry - I'm very aware that this is a problem that continues to need to be addressed.

BR62Y Moving away from my family wasn't an issue as that's not a trigger for my anxiety. I am having therapy, though it was established that CBT wasn't appropriate for my PTSD - not sure if that's generic or if it's just my particular case but either way, it doesn't work (anxiety and PTSD are quite different). However the therapy has really helped and I'm much better than I was even a year ago. I was on medication until we started TTC at which point I stopped under supervision from my GP. I'm hoping to be able to use diazepam for triggering situations in future but remain off day to day meds.

Op you sound like you really understand yourself and trying so hard to get through the fuzzy emotions you are facing. Great result on the stag do decision. Hope you enjoy the weekend too. Wishing you all the best moving forward xx

Thanks curly - and the same to you.

Oh that's really lovely! Your DH sounds a lovely, understanding man. It's wonderful you have each other. Your children will be very lucky to have such loving, understanding parents.

And YES, DH spending a day or two not terribly far away would be a much better place to start than a stag do over several days, hundreds of miles away. And having somebody to keep you company is great. I hope they are able to take you up on the offer!!

JWrecks He is a wonderful, patient, kind and understanding man - I'm so lucky to have him. And he'll be the most wonderful Dad.

They've already said yes and we've booked a date in mid September. I'm nervous about it but I know I can cope with it which is a big difference. I'm also excited for DH as he absolutely loves hiking.

I too have anxiety triggered by abandonment after my first husband went missing and was found dead 14 years ago. If my now DH was going on a stag do abroad I'd be worried sick, but would recognise that as my issue and wouldn't stop him going. However ... if that stag do cost £600 and I was 26 weeks pregnant that would be entirely different (especially because I have just lost a baby) - he would be selfish to go and I would feel resentful. I'm really glad to hear that your DH decided not to go of his own accord, he sounds like a good man.

Oh fantastic!

It sounds quite a good idea all round, and I'm happy for you both. I hope you have great fun! And if you do worry, you've always got all of us here for support.

@Catra - Dear God how shocking! I'm SO sorry! I cannot even imagine. I don't think I'd have coped at all. I'm so very sorry. (((hugs)))

Catra I'm so sorry to hear of the awful loss of your first husband - how unimaginably awful for you. And I'm also sorry that you lost a baby - we found that loss very hard too. Thank you for sharing your perspective, I really appreciate it.

JWrecks Thank you so much, I definitely will come back here for support if needs be. I've been overwhelmed with how kind and understanding everyone has been - I can see myself from an outside perspective enough to know how utterly nuts I come across but almost everyone has been so patient.

I've only just read this thread and see that your DH has decided on his own not to go. But had I commented before this, I would have said that it wasn't a good idea for him to go on the basis alone that you would be 26 weeks pregnant with twins and no other support in place. Especially no with all the other factors involved.

Glad this worked out how it needed to anyway

I just saw your update but was coming on to suggest you have your dm or dsis ..someone..over to stay while he was gone. Its important he gets his own life but being alone expecting twins is not ideal in the best of circumstances.

I'm normally someone that would say he should go, but in your situation I think it would be more hassle / upset than it's worth

Im sorry you have these worries in your life

Congrats on the twins!!

I honestly think there's enough non mental health related reasons for him not to go. Yes you will need to work on attachment issues and he(and you) should be able to go away without the other but I don't think this stag do is the right time to do it.

I'm pleased that it has all worked out! I think inviting them over is a brilliant place to start, and I'm pleased to hear that you are going to start working through your issues- trust me, you will have a new lease of life when you start to feel better! Congratulations on your twins and all the best through the rest of your pregnancy and this exciting time!!!!

This is an ancient thread but I just wanted to come back and update for anyone facing similar issues. DH and his friend went camping and hiking, and I was completely fine. Nervous beforehand but absolutely fine during the actual event. It was such a relief - the anxiety about thinking I might be triggered was far worse than actually doing it!

Since then we've had the babies and things have really changed. I'm significantly less anxious in general and much more relaxed about being apart from DH (although solo bedtime remains a challenge we both try and avoid!). He's taken up a new, semi-dangerous hobby that I was always too anxious about for him to do it before and not only am I much calmer, I actually really enjoy my evenings in by myself.

It's been life-changing for me and I almost don't recognise the person I was when I posted this thread. Things are so much better now. Having the babies definitely made a huge difference but I think his camping trip was the real turnaround point so I just wanted to thank everyone on this thread for helping me work through my thoughts and come to a good compromise. It really worked.

I remember this thread when you originally posted OP! Glad things feel so much better now. Really pleased for you