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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Who is in the wrong here?

115 replies

Icecreamdays · 23/08/2017 21:03

Just had a massive argument with my oh about something that has been an issue for some time.
The thing is he works nights and i work days so we only have a few hours in the evening together. The issue is that he wants to have sex during some of this time nearly every day i may add. Which in itself is not the problem but my ds aged 7 from previous relationship is around at this time. O/h thinks its fine to leave him watching tv while we sneak upstairs. Sometimes i will do but i never feel relaxed always listening for the stairs creaking. Tonight ds sneaked up and i only heard as he was approaching the door and i had to jump up and put my dressing gown on. O/h was not happy at getting disturbed and seems to think i should be able to tell ds to stay downstairs while we are doing this and that he should do as he is told. I dont see how i can do this without him questioning why or perhaps telling others about us needing to go upstair while he stays downstair. I understand that because of our work its difficult to find time but its becoming very stressful and making me feel anxious and quite angry tbh. Am i the one in the wrong here? Does anyone else have a similar issue and if so how do they manage?

OP posts:

Mrswinkler · 23/08/2017 21:11

I don't have any similar issues and don't know what to suggest but you shouldn't be put under pressure to have sex if you are not in a position to relax and enjoy it. I couldn't do this if my son was awake in the house.

LonginesPrime · 23/08/2017 21:11

I think that if you're 'sneaking' upstairs, there's a good chance you're going to be caught.

I wouldn't do it with a child of that age awake in the house as it's not nice for him, especially if he's being told to stay downstairs at all costs. I think you're right to feel uneasy about it and not BU at all.

Could you arrange some childcare every so often so you can have to quality time alone?

Appreciate you've only given a tiny snapshot of your life, but that example shows your DH as rather selfish and putting his own sexual needs before your DS.

TrailingWife · 23/08/2017 21:15

Have sex on weekends. He can take care of himself in the shower at other times. I agree that it isn't appropriate for children to be left figuring out when one of their parents is getting some action.

It is not OK for any one to pressure you into doing ANYTHING sexually that you aren't comfortable with. He is not showing that he cares about how you feel. You are trying to put being a good mother above being available at any moment for a shag. He doesn't respect that. Ick.

troodiedoo · 23/08/2017 21:18

Your partner sounds like a bully. How can you enjoy sex if you can't relax? Would he put up with unsatisfactory sex? Try suggesting early morning sex when he gets in. I'd wager that's not convenient for him as he'd be tired.

The occasional sly quicky would be fine but I think everyday is poor parenting. Stop doing it. You don't get anything out of it anyway.

LoyaltyAndLobster · 23/08/2017 21:18

I'm not in a similar position but I will add that sex does not happen whilst my child is awake, I don't understand why people can't wait until the children are asleep.

OP you are both in the wrong.

coffeecow · 23/08/2017 21:23

A 7 year old is not going to be as oblivious as you might like to think - him sneaking up was probably because he was curious as to why you had both disappeared upstairs. I heard my parents at it once when I was about 10 and it upset me for a long time (I didn't understand it but I felt weird about it at the time) still makes me shudder now 😂. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

Original poster

Icecreamdays · 23/08/2017 21:25

Thanks everyone. He seems to think this is perfectly acceptable and i really dont but i give in for an easy life sometimes. Tonight he just keeps saying that he thinks i should be able to say to ds just give us half an hour on our own and he should do as he is told trying to make out he is unruly as he comes up to see what we are doing. Weekends are also out as we both have our children from previous relationships then and stay seperatly at night although again meet during day time. I know he is finding things frustrating but i cant possibly instruct my child not to disturb me for half an hour or so each evening.

OP posts:

Offred · 23/08/2017 21:27

he's in the wrong.

For putting you under pressure to have sex you aren't comfortable with, AND

For risking your son walking in and seeing it.

DancesWithOtters · 23/08/2017 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Offred · 23/08/2017 21:28

It sounds like you basically can't have sex unless you have it then but the answer to that is to knock the relationship on the head TBH and find someone more compatible.

AlternativeTentacle · 23/08/2017 21:30

does he even ask if you are even interested?

Tilapia · 23/08/2017 21:31

I wouldn't be happy about this. I have a 7yo and I think your partner is wrong.

QuiteLikely5 · 23/08/2017 21:31

I wouldn't like this either op. It's not acceptable every single day.

Don't lower your boundaries. So many people do and it just makes them unhappy. You will find if he's pushing this boundary he is likely to push others too

LonginesPrime · 23/08/2017 21:32

Could your son go to cubs/beavers or similar once a week?

Or does he have a local friend you could arrange reciprocal play dates with?

AnyFucker · 23/08/2017 21:34

This is very far from acceptable

Your partner sounds like a sexual bully with massive boundary issues. If your 7yo tells people at school that mum and dad tell him to stay downstairs while they have sex there will ne some awkward questions asked.

Stop servicing him, please. That is all he sees you as.

Babymamamama · 23/08/2017 21:34

Sorry but I think you are being sexually bullied. There is a time and a place and every evening at 7pm when your child is awake is neither the time nor the place. I would actually sacrifice this relationship in your shoes rather than potentially put my child through this.

RaspberryMousse · 23/08/2017 21:35

Ewww eww eww. Every day?! Ugh no.

Our daughter is only 5, but like others, sex doesn't happen in this house if she's awake. No way would I be able to relax, I'd be waiting for the footsteps on the stairs. It would just feel sleazy and grubby.

Sorry, a big no from me and he is completely unreasonable to think it's perfectly fine to do every day.

HeddaGarbled · 23/08/2017 21:37

You are right and he is wrong.

But I can see that this is a really difficult problem to solve.

What did you do when you were dating?

Original poster

Icecreamdays · 23/08/2017 21:41

Im glad im not the only one who thinks this is wrong. I feel quite upset with myself for giving in at all. I dont really know where to go from here. I suggested to him i would come round while he has his child n we could sneak off and see if his child leaves us alone n see if he feels relaxed. I wouldnt actually be doing this btw. He said we wouldnt be disturbed but he dosent get much time with his child and didnt want to do this. He is very selfish.

OP posts:

LoyaltyAndLobster · 23/08/2017 21:42

Could your son go to cubs/beavers or similar once a week?

Or does he have a local friend you could arrange reciprocal play dates with?

DS shouldn't have to go and do out of house activities so OP and her partner can have sex!

Please take AF advice.

Babymamamama · 23/08/2017 21:43

Sorry but I am going to say LTB. Not said lightly either.

Original poster

Icecreamdays · 23/08/2017 21:43

In the begining we had more time together but ds dad has moved further away and so he only has him once in a while rather than before he had him a few nights a week

OP posts:

Offred · 23/08/2017 21:44

he is very selfish

Dump.

AdalindSchade · 23/08/2017 21:46

Your partner is a fucking pig and has very poor sexual boundaries. Please don't subject your poor son to this any longer.

Bluntness100 · 23/08/2017 21:46

Why did you say tonight your da "sneaked" up? What do you mean by that exactly? Because I can assure you he doesn't know what you're doing. He might wonder, but is it more likely he just came up stairs in his own home and wasn't sneaking anywhere? Or did you tell him not to come up?

I couldn't do this either, leave a seven year old downstairs during th evening whilst I went upstairs and shagged my boyfriend. It's all shades of wrong.

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