Who is in the wrong here?

[Icecreamdays]

Just had a massive argument with my oh about something that has been an issue for some time.
The thing is he works nights and i work days so we only have a few hours in the evening together. The issue is that he wants to have sex during some of this time nearly every day i may add. Which in itself is not the problem but my ds aged 7 from previous relationship is around at this time. O/h thinks its fine to leave him watching tv while we sneak upstairs. Sometimes i will do but i never feel relaxed always listening for the stairs creaking. Tonight ds sneaked up and i only heard as he was approaching the door and i had to jump up and put my dressing gown on. O/h was not happy at getting disturbed and seems to think i should be able to tell ds to stay downstairs while we are doing this and that he should do as he is told. I dont see how i can do this without him questioning why or perhaps telling others about us needing to go upstair while he stays downstair. I understand that because of our work its difficult to find time but its becoming very stressful and making me feel anxious and quite angry tbh. Am i the one in the wrong here? Does anyone else have a similar issue and if so how do they manage?

You don't want it to happen. You don't agree with him.

Everyone who has replied has said he is wrong.

He is being unreasonable. It's not unreasonable for you to not want your 7 year old child to see you having sex.

I've had this shit from men before 'just lock the door', 'tell them to stay downstairs' and I'm sad to say they were using me.

I don't know if this is the case in your situation but you need to give him an ultimatum imo.

Please dump the horrible man who shows his dominance over your ds by taking mummy away for sex, every day if he can, while the child is left alone.

He is very selfish.

Yes, he is. I know you said you have a good relationship apart from this, but if you only see each other a few hours a day, and this takes up half an hour of that time most days, it doesn't sound like much of a relationship to me. Do you ever go out and do anything as a family, or just the pair of you?
I would think that you'll not be happy just being his convenient shag for that much longer, as I'm not sure what you actually get out of this. One of you needs to look for a new job. Or LTB (that's my first, I wouldn't say it lightly).

"In the begining we had more time together but ds dad has moved further away and so he only has him once in a while rather than before he had him a few nights a week"

So DS was used to being with his dad for a few nights a week but has had to get used to being without him. And now your DP thinks that DS should now also get used to being without his mum in the evenings too.

Urgh no way my ex wanted it every day but no way when the kids were awake. I ended up hating sex because of him seeing me as a hand replacement.

Please don't lower your standards for him you'll only hurt yourself and your son

You are right and he is so completely and utterly wrong. He sounds like a bit of a dickhead to be honest. As if you'd consider telling your 7 year old to 'leave you both alone for an hour' so you can sneak off upstairs to satisfy his needs.

Sorry, my post sounded harsh, didn't mean it to. Hope you can work it out OP.

Im ok pinkknickers just made myself roasted cheese to satisfy "my needs" for carbs n dairy lol. Bang goes the diet but was feeling sorry for myself. Oh well tomorrow is a new day and i can see things much clearer now. I know whats important but i guess i always did, just needed to talk it out.

Ooh that sounds yum! And at least you waited until everyone is asleep to satisfy your needs haha! In all seriousness though, looks like you've been given a bit of stick on here, but it's hard working opposite shifts I'm sure and I hope you can work it out x

Thank you x

Eurgh even my boundary-less DH knows I would never want to sneak off for a bonk with the kids downstairs.

I'm learning a lot from the lovely lot on MN and this doesn't sound right. I'd say getting time alone isn't your issue here....

Quite aside from the issue with DS (which I agree with PP's is in no way right or fair on the child) it would appear you are with a man who doesn't actually care whether you are enjoying sex or not. He knows you are uncomfortable and can't relax and is prepared to overlook that so he can get his end away.

That would be enough to make me dump him from a great height I'm afraid, surely you're worth more than being with someone who treats you like your feelings don't matter OP?

Sex when they are awake, under strict conditions: give DS chocolate milk, yogurt, strawberries, cereal, whatever he loves and cannot choke on. Put cartoons on TV. Say "I'm going to the shower / get ready, shout if you need anything". It has to be quick. Might have to be sorting each other out in turns, if time is an issue, as in the event that you have to cut it short, if he's gone first, he might be less resentful. If it has to be stopped, it has to be stopped.

I understand you, OP. But unless you (both) sort out your work schedule, thinking that you cannot have sex ever during the week, if any of you have a high drive, might be frustrating.

Sorry, I just RTFT. I thought this was a case of couple trying to find time together, but I can see he's putting pressure on you and he's not being really reasonable. I agree with pp on the showing dominance
I retract my post! Please don't lynch me!!

There is no way in the world I would do this and it doesn't sound like you want to either. I think its the way he is saying that your son should be told to sit in the living room and not come upstairs that bothers me. That is not normal or what happens in a family home, I find it creepy that he thinks it's ok.

Actually my OH and I have had sex when the kids were watching telly downstairs. The problem here is not doing it, it's that you don't want to, and anyone coercing you into doing something you are uncomfortable with is not on.

Update - we had a text war for a good bit of the night and this morning. He is now saying he agrees we shouldnt do this but feels i have no time for him as im so busy seeing to everyone else. He is making a big deal of me getting ds ready in the mornings for school. Yes i do this as i dont have time in morning for faffing about waiting on him doing buttons, ties, laces etc perhaps i shouldnt be doing it? He says he is attached to my hip. He does want to be with me all the time even if im hanging out washing or trying to prepair food. Hes not very good at amusing himself apart from the tv. He is a poor sleeper and scared at bed times of spiders for some reason so i have hard time settling him which is not a problem to me but on the occasion when my oh does sleep over on weekends when he dosent have access he gets upset at me having to run up n down stairs all night. He thinks i should just take what he is saying on board. Says he just telling me the truth n that he feels sorry for me having no time for myself. I pointed out one of the things i have noticed with his parenting of his child and he went nuts at me. Im very confused is he just giving constructive critisism or trying to get at me? When i said he was upsetting me he said well i was always upset. We are not speaking now.

Not speaking is for the best.

It was obvious that his insisting on doing this was about two things - 1. criticising your parenting and 2. Him showing you and your DS he is more important.

Chuck him. You are incompatible and he feels entitled to resolve the incompatibility by forcing his way as though it is the right way.

He seriously needs to grow up. He sounds jealous of DS!
He is the parent he should partner with you not be a rival to DS!
Ds is a child who needs you!
You are not his mother, he is a grown man!

dump him. he's not worth the head fuck.

Im going to go out on a limb here and say while i think pressuring you is definitely not OK, i dont see the problem with having sex quickly and quietly when the kids are in the house.
I also think that at age 7 a child should be able to be given some juice and have a film put on and told "im going to have a bath, ill be back down in a little while" and should be able to both be content and respect that. I mean, the child isnt a toddler.
Having said that i grew up on the continent where there's much less of an "OMG! Children! And sex! In the same house! Wont somebody DO SOMETHING???" attitude.

So I guess I'm wondering: do you have a real moral problem with it, or are you just not into your DP that much anymore?

OMG he's a head melter.

He's not getting his fuck whenever he wants so now he's trying to wound you by basically telling you you're a crap Mum.

Cos that's what he's saying, make no mistake.

Oh and as an aside, he seems to have a fair amount of previously hidden contempt for your son, as well.

"Says he just telling me the truth n that he feels sorry for me having no time for myself."

Only, he's not hoping you'll have time for yourself, is he? What he really wants is for you to instead give your time to him.

Why on earth shouldn't you help your DS to get ready for school, if that's what he needs? And if he needs you in the night, then there's nothing wrong with you going to him.

Your DP doesn't think you should spend time with DS in the evenings. He doesn't want you to help him in the mornings. He doesn't want you to send time with him during the night.

Can you see the pattern here?