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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Who is in the wrong here?

115 replies

Icecreamdays · 23/08/2017 21:03

Just had a massive argument with my oh about something that has been an issue for some time.
The thing is he works nights and i work days so we only have a few hours in the evening together. The issue is that he wants to have sex during some of this time nearly every day i may add. Which in itself is not the problem but my ds aged 7 from previous relationship is around at this time. O/h thinks its fine to leave him watching tv while we sneak upstairs. Sometimes i will do but i never feel relaxed always listening for the stairs creaking. Tonight ds sneaked up and i only heard as he was approaching the door and i had to jump up and put my dressing gown on. O/h was not happy at getting disturbed and seems to think i should be able to tell ds to stay downstairs while we are doing this and that he should do as he is told. I dont see how i can do this without him questioning why or perhaps telling others about us needing to go upstair while he stays downstair. I understand that because of our work its difficult to find time but its becoming very stressful and making me feel anxious and quite angry tbh. Am i the one in the wrong here? Does anyone else have a similar issue and if so how do they manage?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 23/08/2017 21:50

Dump him. The answer to your dilemma is in the text of your own posts.

AnyFucker · 23/08/2017 21:53

Sorry to say this, love, but I am also judging you for this behaviour. What the fuck have you been thinking ?

SnowiestMountain · 23/08/2017 21:53

I would hate this, sounds awful, so selfish of your 'D'P and completely unfair on DS

I don't give out LTB's lightly but if he doesn't shape up he'd be shipping out with me

LonginesPrime · 23/08/2017 21:57

DS shouldn't have to go and do out of house activities so OP and her partner can have sex!

Absolutely agree that he shouldn't be banished and that I would LTB, but if OP does (still) want to carve out some alone time with her OH, my point was that her DC should be doing something positive for him, not just being banished downstairs.

Appreciate that if anyone should leave, it should be the OH, but if that's not going to happen, it might be a nice way to give DS something fun to do while a couple who work opposing shifts spend some time together.

OP, it sounds like you have a great many strains on your relationship - you may well find that some proper 'quality' alone time with your OH makes it easier to see the relationship more clearly - I had so many external pressures on my relationship with my ex that I put all the normal LTB stuff down to other factors when actually it was him being an arsehole..if only I'd known!

SaturnUranus · 23/08/2017 21:59

Your DP sounds incredibly selfish.

He thinks he's more important than both you and your DS.

A crap shag (someone so monumentally selfish rarely becomes selfless in the bedroom) is not worth it.

thisfamily · 23/08/2017 21:59

that's utterly selfish. You need to redefine when it can happen.

Original poster

Icecreamdays · 23/08/2017 22:01

Like i said he wants it everyday i never said i gave in everyday but yes very occasionally i do if i think it will be safe enough. Tonight showed that its never safe and yes he did sneak up as he usually comes upstair like an elephant. I am well aware that its wrong to chance it but i am guessing a lot of parents do it. Its just not what i want.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 23/08/2017 22:04

Did he tell you "a lot of parents do it" ?

AdalindSchade · 23/08/2017 22:07

No. Good parents don't fuck when their older children are awake and unsupervised in the house.
There is no reason or excuse to expose your child to this. You think he won't work out what you're doing sooner or later? If he doesn't walk in or overhear you first?

category12 · 23/08/2017 22:08

So you're having sex you don't want with someone who views your son as a nuisance?

AdalindSchade · 23/08/2017 22:10

You don't even want to do you? It can't be enjoyable for you. HEs coercing you.

Original poster

Icecreamdays · 23/08/2017 22:14

Its not all bad we actually have a good relationship apart from this. He has a good relationship with ds and puts off a lot of time with him. I guess if we didnt work opposing shifts this matter would never have came up.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 23/08/2017 22:16

Of course it would. A selfish and manipulative attitude to sex doesn't come out of nowhere.

thisfamily · 23/08/2017 22:17

Icecream, it is not normal or respectful

Primrose06 · 23/08/2017 22:20

Dear me. I think you are being bullied.
We have adult kids living at home so enjoy holidays and when we know they will be both out.
You cannot let the poor kid be alone downstairs or expect him to be quiet to please your dp .
Your dp needs to realise that you come as a package and what kids are like.
Put yourself and son first.

AlternativeTentacle · 23/08/2017 22:22

do you even want to have sex every day?

Offred · 23/08/2017 22:22

It's not really about opposite shifts. It's about you and him having really incompatible views about this parenting issue to do with your DS and the way it is being worked out ATM being that he assumes he is a better parent than you and that he can pressure you to have sex you aren't comfortable with.

crazyhorses3 · 23/08/2017 22:23

Another one who thinks this is not right. At the very least your child will feel lonely and pushed out, it is also only a matter of time before he walks in on you and then your OH will probably be angry with him, compounding his confusion and upset. He is being selfish and unreasonable. If the only time you can have sex is during the day with your child downstairs alone, and it happens every day, this is not right. Moreover, it isn't sustainable.

pictish · 23/08/2017 22:24

I don't think that many parents sneak off for sex every day, no.
Honestly? It sounds crap. He's a bully and selfish with it. Nothing would turn me off quicker. I'd tell him to fuck off.

HeebieJeebies456 · 23/08/2017 22:27

Weekends are also out as we both have our children from previous relationships then and stay seperatly at night although again meet during day time

So your home is just a shag pad for him then?
His time with his dc is too precious to sneak away for half an hour - but not yours?
It's ok to make demands and get stroppy when you object - but his reasons re his dc/house have to be accepted?

Your son is sneaking up to see what you're being 'sneaky' about, so he's already feeling somewhat excluded/3rd wheel.

If he wants sex that often and on those terms then either you make time for date nights etc so you can actually have time alone or he can change working hours/job.

Original poster

Icecreamdays · 23/08/2017 22:28

Tbh i dont think others do it every day neither do i much to oh annoyance. I was suggesting that it does happen occasionaly for some. Im not excusing myself i understand people have strong veiws on this but i asked for opinions and i am grateful to all of you for taking the time to give me yours. I have taken it all on board.

OP posts:

thisfamily · 23/08/2017 22:32

you are being used

SnowiestMountain · 23/08/2017 22:32

OP you've got 40 odd replies in an hour and a half saying 'It's wrong! It's not fair on your DS! He's being manipulative/coercive'

It might be time that things start to change, especially as it seems this post has stemmed from an argument with your partner that he thinks it's ok...

Offred · 23/08/2017 22:33

I'm sure it does happen.

It's irrelevant in relation to whether it should happen or whether you want it to happen.

beachcomber243 · 23/08/2017 22:34

This is not right, and you are both in the wrong. As your son gets older he will pick up on everything, not feel comfortable in his own home, and feel he is a nuisance/in the way and especially when he works out what is happening.
Your oh is selfish in the extreme, sounds unpleasant and a pest. Does he care about your son or your feelings or just his own sex life.

And other decent parents do not do this btw, even if they work different shifts, you're being fed a line. Wake up.

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