Who is in the wrong here?

[Icecreamdays]

Just had a massive argument with my oh about something that has been an issue for some time.
The thing is he works nights and i work days so we only have a few hours in the evening together. The issue is that he wants to have sex during some of this time nearly every day i may add. Which in itself is not the problem but my ds aged 7 from previous relationship is around at this time. O/h thinks its fine to leave him watching tv while we sneak upstairs. Sometimes i will do but i never feel relaxed always listening for the stairs creaking. Tonight ds sneaked up and i only heard as he was approaching the door and i had to jump up and put my dressing gown on. O/h was not happy at getting disturbed and seems to think i should be able to tell ds to stay downstairs while we are doing this and that he should do as he is told. I dont see how i can do this without him questioning why or perhaps telling others about us needing to go upstair while he stays downstair. I understand that because of our work its difficult to find time but its becoming very stressful and making me feel anxious and quite angry tbh. Am i the one in the wrong here? Does anyone else have a similar issue and if so how do they manage?

Is this really true? Am i being manipulated? Why would he do that? Whats in that for him? Do u think he knows what he is doing?

I don't mean this in a rude way, but you sound very naive, you shouldn't have to ask a bunch of strangers the above questions, you're the one who is in the relationship with him.

What was your previous relationship like?

I don't know if he is aware of what he is doing or he is doing it unconsciously. Either way, he is not a keeper.

Pages and pages of explanations and rumination....

It just comes down to you are with a man who bullies you into sex you don't want and is using being critical of your parenting to further coerce you.

Why he is doing that/what he gets out of it/whether other men are like this/ how much sex you should have/when you should have sex.... on and on and on....

It's all totally and completely irrelevant.

Do you want to be with this man even though he is showing all the signs of being sexually abusive?

If you do then stay with him and good luck TBH! It won't work out well for you and we'll be here when it inevitably gets worse...

Your examples of the "really nice" stuff he does are just ordinary everyday things in any normal relationship. Really. The rest of what he does/expects is just fucking awful. I'm guessing you've either come out of a shitty relationship prior to this and/or your parents modelled a poor relationship whilst you were growing up. Because your "D"P's is behaviour is despicable towards both you and your son.

You are being wilfully stupid now. I'm out.

Well tbh im actually quite horrified at what you are all saying to me. I dont think i am nieve. Im no spring chicken and generally a good judge of character. But the idea that i am being manipulated had me second guessing myself. I actually love him and i do believe he loves me. I dont think we are having an easy time due to time restraints. I wouldnt say he bullies me into sex. Its more he asks if i fancy it. I say not the now too risky. It will continue like this for a bit then i will say ok. Im not lead up by the hair i go freely. I want to have sex just dont like taking risks. Yes he will suggest on a near nightly basis but has only been lucky a few times. Perhaps i have painted a bad picture. He is not perfect but who is. Im not a bad mother although i do make mistakes. But once again i thank you all for taking time to respond. Im not going to post anymore at the moment as im feeling quite upset and a bit confused.

What happens when you turn him down?

Suggest it would work better for you to do it at his house at the weekend when his children are there. If he agrees, run for the hills but he should get why it is wrong.

His attitude to your son must be ringing alarm bells

I agree with OP post that fellow mumsnetters seem to overreact a lot bit.

A lot of people have intercorse while children are awake and in the next room, it's not an end of the world.

It's just seem that OP is uncomfortable about DC walking into the room unexpectedly.

I wouldn't havr wex myself when a child is awake as idea of DC popping into the room will put me off anyway.

However it seems like both OP and his partner want to have so as PP you just need to have ways around it.

May be you can put a lock on the bedroom door and sneak away for a bit saying that you need a rest, put in DC favourite cartoon/ moovie and hope for the best.

At some point he would learn there is a resting time for mummy and daddy. At least if you have a lock on the door he won't be caught up watching you making out or lying naked.

Of course, best is to have him out of the house for play date and out at the relatives

I think it depends on how he reacts when you turn him down. If he is understanding of your feelings and respectful about your decision, then he's probably not a dick...or at least not in that way.
If he goes in the huff, gets angry or criticises you, then he's a dick.

You say you go along with it for a quiet life...so I'm guessing he's a dick.

@Melabela10 -- did you read the whole thread? Did you read the post from the original poster about how he spoke to her on the phone, told her she was a bad parent? Said nasty things about her child?

This isn't really about whether or not its OK to have sex when a child is awake. It's about whether or not it is OK to bully someone into having sex. Most of us think it isn't. I think it's a massive red flag waving wildly.

TrailingWife, I re read the thread and I have an overall impression that both parties are critical of each other's parenting style.

I think OP started the post accusing her other half and then as emotions settled down OP she started to defend him.

It's not only about lovemaking of course, partner thinks OP devotes too much of her time to her DC and lovemaking is just one thing. I'm not sure if she is bullied into having sex on a daily basis as OP admits she is happy to do it just not ok for her to have her DC storming inside the room.

I would suggest to talk through the issues in calmly manner and see if you can find a common ground, perhaps you do indeed need to allow more time to your partner ( assuming his accusations that you don't devote much time are reasonable ). Having sex daily perhaps won't be an option because but you could do a couple of times a week and see if you can make arrangements for your son to be out of the house or as I mentioned before put a lock on yiur bedroom door

I find I am often too tired in evening for sex (have a toddler), so morning would be better but anytime after 6am I am nervous DD age 7 could appear.

I plan to put a lock on the bedroom door. Prob never required but to allow us to relax. Just means she can't burst in. And I think she is young enough to not question much. I imagine if a lock appeared on the door when she was 14 she would realise exactly why!

More awkward for you as ds is awake but if u said you were away to read/nap/iron it may work.