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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Follow up thread

142 replies

CantRememberHoliday · 22/08/2017 10:08

I recently had a thread in 'sex' that I asked to be removed as I feel I gave a lot of information on it.

I wanted to start this thread so it could be a little less outing and so people who had supported me weren't 'ghosted' Grin

For people who didn't read the previous thread:
I was raped 5 weeks ago whilst on holiday and I've just got into uni (bit of a strange combo Blush )

I'd like to thank everyone for the support they've given me! Sometimes, at 18, I feel like an adult and other times I just feel so out of my depth.

OP posts:
StormTreader · 28/09/2017 10:03

Youre doing magical thinking though, and thats anxiety talking - you dont KNOW they are wishing you werent there. You are worrying they are and are passing looks, but try and judge them on how they actually act rather than what you fear they are secretly saying or doing where you cant see.

Taking them at face value is "they are being nice because they like me" rather than "they are being nice so they can laugh at what I said later".

Original poster
CantRememberHoliday · 28/09/2017 17:23

I'll try really hard but don't want to be that person who is visibly annoying but won't stop

OP posts:
Original poster
CantRememberHoliday · 01/10/2017 15:19

I feel much happier today! Been for lunch yesterday with new friends and a few more really good nights out.

I feel a bit strange that there's 11 weeks until I go home though! Shock

I also cleaned and hoovered my room for the 3rd time this week and deep cleaned the kitchen with my flatmates. I've tried over 10 new foods in a week and I'm just about to collect clothes from my first wash!
and someone taught my how to hold a knife and fork properly Everything feels better when things are tidy even though I was so so so messy at home!

OP posts:
StormTreader · 02/10/2017 12:46

Sounds like youre doing much better :)

Original poster
CantRememberHoliday · 02/10/2017 17:03

I'm trying! The lad that shouted at me for saying no one likes me spent all weekend with me pretty much. So I met all his flatmates too.

I'm just worried incase I end up 'liking' him. I've found the whole experience has made me terribly insecure and I was anxious and insecure to start with and I've been getting attached to everyone. I also don't want to ruin a good potential friendship though

OP posts:
ShiveryTimbers · 05/10/2017 09:51

Just wanted to say that I followed your previous post, and I'm so glad to find you on here again. I hope that your fresh start at university is giving you a chance to reevaluate your friendships and make some new, healthier ones with people who treat you right.

Original poster
CantRememberHoliday · 15/10/2017 00:39

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to update. I have good days and bad days here. I'm finding the course interesting and good currently but my flatmates are often busy when I'm free and I'm getting bored on a rural campus.

I've invited people to do things and they always seem to have excuses and I feel like I make a lot of the effort.

I'm throwing myself into everything I can and going to events and socials and meeting lots of people but I'm trying to learn to be by myself a little bit.

I've been told so many times that I'm funny, kind and welcoming which makes me so happy because I try so hard but then I second guess myself and feel like they're pitying me. But I know that's my problem.

I'm a work in progress but I'm getting there slowly and I know I'll be okay!

OP posts:
tillytown · 15/10/2017 06:55

You're doing amazing Cant, I'm so proud of you Smile

Original poster
CantRememberHoliday · 15/10/2017 08:17

Thank you so much!

I'm trying very hard not to be depressing but I think sometimes people can tell I'm sad and I am scared they don't like me and they think I'm blaming them. That's something I need to stop or I will lose friends. I don't think there's anything wrong with them, I think my problems come from myself but I don't think I'm as bad as I first thought.

I need some confidence and I guess that's something I'll have to fake until it's real.

OP posts:
TorNayDoh · 15/10/2017 10:13

Have you contacted your university Student Support services yet? They should be able to offer you free counselling to help you. Sometimes called the Wellbeing team.

Original poster
CantRememberHoliday · 20/10/2017 13:24

I haven't contacted them about it specifically but have been to a few drop-ins. Although, I haven't felt the need to give too much away currently.

Recently, I've been happier here than I've been for years!

OP posts:
Original poster
CantRememberHoliday · 30/11/2017 14:47

Just thought I'd update!

I'm happier than ever although I've been having a bit too much fun and now the workload has caught up with me! Blush
My flatmates are amazing and we've secured our hours for next year (and hopefully the next 5 years). Things have gone wrong at times but I really feel like I've had the support. Also excited to see some familiar faces in just over 2 weeks time as I haven't been home.

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Original poster
CantRememberHoliday · 30/11/2017 15:10

*house

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 30/11/2017 15:50

That's brilliant to see OP.
So glad you are happier now.
Have fun on your trip home!

inlectorecumbit · 30/11/2017 20:02

lovely update op Flowers

Original poster
CantRememberHoliday · 30/11/2017 21:08

Thank you. I'm looking forward to going home but don't feel like I need to go yet. I feel like I fit in brilliantly here with my flatmates and I'm starting to learn not everyone will like me and not to let myself be used. It's so much more fun doing nice things for the people that appreciate it!

I have had to tone down the nights out though Grin Classic student, I was going out approximately 3 times a week! I haven't been out for over 2 weeks now though as I know it's important not to get stressed.

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Original poster
CantRememberHoliday · 31/12/2017 02:12

Not feeling good at all tonight. I have been pretty stressed lately as I’ve been very ill and missed quite a bit of uni (who are being very supportive) and then some blood tests I had showed one of my organs to be performing inadequately (don’t want to give too much info away). I’ve also seen my ‘friends’ twice and they were pleasant but I realised I have nothing in common with them and can’t really bear to look at them. But I just feel so bored and alone at home and it brings back memories.

Also, stupidly, the night ‘it’ happened (I still hate admitting to myself it was rape. I still blame myself for being drunk) pictures were taken of the marks on me using my phone. I didn’t realise the (kind) girls I met on the hotel had used Snapchat and then saved them so the pictures popped up in my ‘Highlights of 2017’ that snapchat makes for you 😕 I just saw it tonight and my head is spinning and I feel sick, I haven’t seen those pictures for months as I accidentally reset my phone to factory settings.

I just hate that this happened to me. I hate that I was ‘drunk’ (but hadn’t really drunk much at all so most likely spiked), I hate that there’s hours and hours that I can’t remember and I hate that I kept it all to myself and actually felt good and now I’m a mess. I’m not even crying just sat bolt upright, awake and I feel numb.

OP posts:
Original poster
CantRememberHoliday · 31/12/2017 02:15

Also I need to sort my bloody head out as my course is med based and I have a placement starting in a few days. Slightly anxious about that as this whole thing has knocked my confidence in every way possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
CantRememberHoliday · 01/01/2018 02:12

It officially happened last year which makes me feel strangely better (and worse like I should be over it)

OP posts:
Weezol · 01/01/2018 02:26

Please get back in touch with Rape Crisis. I had several years counselling with them recently and it has helped me so much in all areas of my life. BrewCake

Original poster
CantRememberHoliday · 01/01/2018 02:32

I think I’ll see how I am and then contact them. My uni campus is very isolated so I’m not sure how many resources I’d be able to access. Plus, I felt pretty good there, it’s just everything at once right now.

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Original poster
CantRememberHoliday · 28/01/2018 02:28

I find it affects me a lot more when I’m stressed, hence why I’m currently awake Sad
I can’t bring myself to talk either, even though I know I need to but I just feel so ashamed and like no one will believe me. My ‘friends’ from home still manage to upset me by mentioning group chats and outings without me but my friends at uni are just brilliant. I think the friendships I used to have are what made me so... pathetic and sensitive.

OP posts:
Original poster
CantRememberHoliday · 09/03/2018 02:58

I think I’m struggling again for an unknown reason

OP posts:
Original poster
CantRememberHoliday · 24/03/2018 12:47

Don’t think anyone’s even following this anymore but just wanted to say I’ve passed my first set of modules with marks between 77 and 85% in all of them Smile

Hopefully I can do the same in the next 4

OP posts:
spunkymom22 · 24/03/2018 13:00

Yes!! You can!! Keep going. Don't let what happened ruin what is still to come (I know, easier said than done, but seriously!) Flowers and Cake