Follow up thread

[CantRememberHoliday]

I recently had a thread in 'sex' that I asked to be removed as I feel I gave a lot of information on it.

I wanted to start this thread so it could be a little less outing and so people who had supported me weren't 'ghosted'

For people who didn't read the previous thread:
I was raped 5 weeks ago whilst on holiday and I've just got into uni (bit of a strange combo )

I'd like to thank everyone for the support they've given me! Sometimes, at 18, I feel like an adult and other times I just feel so out of my depth.

It was logged with the Spanish police. I didn't say on the other thread but it happened in magaluf. I don't want to say too much on this thread as I really don't want to out myself.

I didn't give a formal statement (was scared etc) and I wasn't examined. They were absolutely brilliant though (as was hotel security who came to check on me and said with broken English that I could be his little sister and it made him sad and he hugged me .) and stressed I could report it when I got back home whether it was a day or years later as they'd hold the report.

Honestly , you need to stop worrying about what these people think and what they say. Just stop. If I were you I would totally cut them out of my life. For the time before you go to Uni, take some time to just do quiet things you enjoy for yourself. Delete Facebook, block these so called 'friends' and truly get a life. They sound like bog dwellers. Their attitudes are awful, they sound jealous and spiteful and nasty. Stop relating their comments or thinking about them, or letting them into your head. They are TOXIC.

You are about to move into a new phase of your life and put all this behind you. Make new friends, with people who respect and care for you. One day, you will perhaps run into them in the street, when things are so much better for you. You will look at them and wonder what on earth you ever did with them. Trust me. Don't look back.

I'm delurking for the first time ever in a good many years to say you sound AMAZING! You know exactly what's going on here, and it's hellish hard, and totally wrong, but you know in your gut and heart that it's THEM who're wrong: not only are you right, but that makes you so much stronger and more insightful than they are. Hold fast to that knowledge and strength, and remind yourself that you have it: THAT's who you are, and it will carry you through to great things :)

Thanks, both of you.

They think they're great friends. They don't realise what they're like, they really really don't.

It sounds too glib and not much help to say that's their problem, not yours: it's a problem for you right now if you've no pals you can count on, and that's a big part of the hellish hard bit. But deeper down, and within the bigger picture, it really is their problem: you actually wouldn't want to live inside a head, or be living a life, where their beliefs/values/cowardice held sway. And how much sadder and more limited are their future lives going to be unless they clue themselves up? Their problem - definitely not yours :)

The half that aren't at the event this weekend are off out tonight. I asked if I could come. They said no.

It's an actual joke

My new flat mates are appalled (told them in the group chat)

Your new flatmates - friends in the making? - sound way more up your street.

Hopefully!
I've been chatting to a few of the year above and found people to go to gigs with already too! My friends never came with me, not once. I've been to over 150 alone. (I obviously wouldn't expect them to come to that many but once or twice a year would be nice).
But I've also made good friends from gigs but I only ever really see them at gigs and nights out. As they don't live close enough to just 'chill' (or whatever) with.

University means you'll make tons of new friends in freshers week. You sound like you're pretty social and music is a great way to bond with new people. You'll have new friends in minutes, these others are trash and I'd let them go for the sake of your own mental health.

I would say I am quite social, yes. I would say I can get on with pretty much anyone.
It's just strange letting go of my friends as we've been a 'friendship group' for coming up 16 years (Met a nursery so 16 years in Jan). I did mix with the other groups at sixth form, I sometimes went for nights out with them etc but there were only 30 people in the whole year so not a massive abundance of people to make friends with. Plus, if I sat with anyone else at lunch for a day they'd refused to speak to me for a week. It was just easier to do as they say.

I've known for a while they have no regard for my feelings or safety. Last year they lost me at a festival, so I rang them and they said they couldn't hear so I text them and got no reply. Surely there's no exude for not replying in that situation? I was fine, went to see the bands I wanted to see instead of following them. But I really struggled to find our tent in the dark so I was actually gone for over 12 hours and no one checked I was okay. Even when I wasn't back about 2 hours after the main event ended. I'm used to gigs but even I would be so blasé about a friend's safety at a festival that's well known for drugs. I would never touch them as I wouldn't risk my future career but lots of others were off their heads and could've been dangerous.

I actually ended up helping to get someone to first aid as they were lying unconscious, their friends had left them too and I'm pretty sure mine would've left me in that state which is disgusting. I ended up having to ask another stranger for help (so I could help unconscious stranger as he was a big lad) and we chatted after we helped the other lad and all his friends were so surprised that my group had just left me and they seemed quite concerned and they were about 23- I was 17!

Ive booked short holidays with them and they dropped out the day before, I've arranged to meet them and they've been up to 5 hours late (shows that they think their time is more important), they criticise what I wear and make me change if they don't like it (usually it isn't revealing enough). I know they're bad friends, I let a lot of what they say to me go over my head. I just didn't want to have no friends.

Other times they randomly text me and say how much they love me, how funny I am etc. They're trying to fuck with my head.

wouldn't be so blasé

Okay - these "friends" are all in pretty toxic controlling relationships. They also seem very controlling of you.
They are not real friends. They seem to have been frightened of losing you, but to be honest you are much better without them.
If my DD (same age as you) had friends like that I would be so relieved when she dumped them and made new ones.
Now your parents- I'm not sure if they are from the same class/cultural background as your "friends", if so they might be tricky. But you can move on - most people do when they go to Uni.

I like my DC to have friends who will "have their back" in tricky situations - something these people don't do - so you are much better without them.

My friends all have parents on 6 figures.
I was eligible for free school meals during sixth form (not beforehand as my dad retired) but didn't take them as I didn't actually need them, we could afford to pay. I'm trying not to out myself again but they are massively angry that I get the full maintenance loan for uni.

My dad is actually very controlling of my mam. She wanted to work and he said she must stay at home etc. He won't share his income and she is fully dependent on him. I never want to be like that!
I just feel like everyone around me has completely different ideas of what is normal and respectful.

I've had a good couple of days where I've felt quite good.

I actually met up with someone I met in magaluf as we were both in the same area and it was really nice. They suggested meeting up again once we're both settled at uni. I'm not sure if I'm thinking this because my friends are awful but I feel like it probably won't happen.

Even when they rang me to say they were near befroe we met up I still thought they'd cancel on me last minute. I'm so used to it.

Hi CantRemember, that's good to hear you've had a good couple of days. I think you should be proud of yourself for how you're managing - it can be really hard to trust people once a person or people have broken your trust so badly.
It can be so easy to put up lots of big barriers for self protection, and for some that may lead to isolation, so really well done for being open to meeting up with your new acquaintance, even though I can hear you didn't have much faith in them turning up.

Thanks purple

I just felt like my friends don't care about my time at all so maybe others wouldn't either.
I know that's a stupid way to think though

These people are not your friends. These people are self-absorbed shitbags.

I know angel

They're not speaking to me because I met up with that person I'd met in magaluf. It was pure coincidence we were both visiting the same city on the same day! Even though we chat every day neither of us had mentioned it until the day before.

They've told other people I met up to sleep with him. and that being raped has 'cured' me. Ahahaha almost laughable. I met up with half my family in tow.

I think others can see what's happening. The other group I was quite friendly with have invited me out for some nights/days out.

They don't know what happened to me on holiday though. Just that my friends are shit

Feel awful and shaken tonight.
Like no one will ever care about me, especially due to this.

You've experienced a traumatic event, and not so very long ago, although other important things have happened since then - your exam results, getting your uni place - and they might have acted as temporary distractions from the trauma. I'm no expert, but I would say that the way you're feeling now is part of an on-going reaction to what happened.

You need to care for yourself, first of all. Can you get cosy? Wrap yourself in a warm blanket, have a hot chocolate, get a hot water bottle to cuddle? That might help you feel less shaky.

Please try contacting an organisation that can provide real life support and help you find coping strategies that work for you. Rape Crisis, Women's Aid, the Samaritans?

Your dark thoughts and sense of hopelessness are part of the reaction - it's like delayed shock, I think. People here care for you, your family care for you, and you're already making new friends who're already reaching out to you because they do care about you.

You're in an in-between place just now - in more ways than one.

Please look for support as soon as you can, and if at all possible, before you start uni.

I've been thinking about you, and checking this thread to see how you're doing.

Be kind to yourself, and care for yourself.

You're doing so well, even though it might not feel like it just now.

I remember your original thread.
Your friends are not your friends. Ditch the fuckers. You are too good for them.
I have no doubt you will go to uni and make some wonderful, genuine new friends. But, as others have said, do seek out support services available to you. You have been through a very traumatic experience and may need help processing that.
Good luck.

Ps - people do and will care about you, so don't worry about that.

Thanks, both of you.

I've had a bit of a cry and now I feel slightly better.

I just feel like there's no substance to me. My friends all have lads falling at their feet because they're amazing etc. I get told I'm smart or funny. I've been on a series of dates with one person whom I actually broke it off with after this event.

I just feel like everyone feels a bit meh about me yet I find reasons to fall in love with everyone I meet. I always make the effort but no one seems to miss me or anything.
It makes me sad as I'm not as controlling (their bfs are also controlling) or bitchy as my friends but yet im never noticed. It's not that I'm shy either, far from it. I'm always in the middle of everything and give 110%

Probably just late night overthinking

Don't feel good tonight at all. Think I should just close my eyes though but I just keep replaying it